AITA: summer edition

[Anonymous]

Given your added info about dipping into emergency funds during the year, I can see where I, in your shoes, would be a bit upset that DH did not decide, on his own, to take on some tutoring (at a minimum!) to help replenish your rainy day fund. A central office summer job might further burn him out, be too restrictive of his time, and impact the upcoming school. Don't many of us sometimes wish for a 9-month job to reset ourselves during the summer...then again most of us don't teach. As a household team, it should not be all or nothing. Your DH doing nothing all summer to contribute to the household finances, would in my mind make HTA.

[Anonymous]

Hta

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to approach it in a neutral manner by asking about what he had on the agenda for the summer. He mentioned he wanted to go on a fly fishing trip (he’d go alone) then a trip to visit his mom who lives in Oregon. Great I said. I then asked if he planned to pick up any tutoring or work through the school district. That’s when he got mad.

But I get it. I probably shouldn’t have even asked. And yes, I’m jealous. I may get a long weekend trip this summer (no summer two week trip like one pp mentioned) while he travels for several weeks this summer. I also agree that I should know that I have different responsibilities as the breadwinner. I’ll use my summer to shift my attitude and reframe my thinking.

I'm on your side. He needs to put his energy into the family and not take 10 weeks of leisure time. The only part I fault you for is "asking" rather than stating your wish. "I know you need a rest, but after the trips, I hope you will pick up tutoring or some other way to make cash so we can bring our emergency reserves back up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had to dip into our emergency fund pretty substantially this year to cover several unexpected and large expenses (both medical and home related). So can we put food on the table, yes. Are we able to replenish our savings and get us back to a financially stable place, not really. Our HHI is about $160k so we do well, but aren’t super high income.

The extra tutoring money would allow us the flexibility to go on a small vacation this summer or put additional money away.

And do I resent my DH some that he sleeps in until whenever and lays out by the pool while I’m in the office 5 days a week, yes a bit. So I guess that makes me the AH. I also don’t like the pressure of having always been the breadwinner. If I lose my job we are in big trouble financially so I work incredibly hard to always be the high performer while he hangs out all summer at the pool or traveling while I work.

So I will own I’m the AH who should have married better (not the teacher) to avoid these feelings.

OP, I don't think you're the AH at all. I would be incredibly frustrated if my husband had 8-10 weeks off because of his schedule and he didn't step up and do more during that time. If money was what was needed, then I would expect him to care about that. If it was just task-related and he could do a lot more to help my life be easier, then I would expect him to do that. And if the roles were reversed, I would step up and do more during that time period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on how you approached it.

If you just cold opened without preamble and asked straight out if he had plans to get another job, I imagine he'd be shocked and taken aback. In this case, you ATA.

If, however, you guys have had conversations about money being tight and the need to cover extra expenses, and the possibility of him getting a summer job, then it's just checking in and you ANTA.

From what you wrote I'm guessing it's the former.

I was going to say exactly this. He probably is exhausted with the end of year push for schools, and yes probably does need at least a little time to decompress (a week?). However, what that means is certainly worthy of discussion. What does he usually do during the summer? How are things balanced during the school year? Does he pick up more home stuff during the summer, so stuff gets done? When do you get breaks? Are you on the same page with your financial picture and goals, and is it clear that a couple thousand could help? What does earning a couple thousand look like, and how does it balance with what your summers are usually like?

I'd be thinking more creatively, as a team. Can you go into work early, and he's responsible for getting them to daycare on a more relaxed schedule in the summers? OR maybe he picks them up early a couple of afternoons a week and does fun/educational/just hang out with dad stuff with them? (and you either get a break or you get more hours at work).

I run the finances in our family, and i try to have regular let's sit down and go over everything meetings to set priorities and make sure my DH has a good sense of where things are - meals out was high this month, because of after school practice for the play interfering with dinner, so this next month let's relaly cut back there. We need to have the gutters redone, let's take the money from our home repair account, and then build it back up by doing X. We've been saving for vacation and will have enough to go, let's buy tickets this month while they are cheap....etc etc. Maybe you all need things on paper, in black and white? Does he see that having some extra money coming in could help?

I mean, don't we all have times like this? Maybe it's a big project, a trial, a deadline, whatever - I would assume most people who work get exhausted from certain extra-ordinary things from time to time. And we...just deal with it. Maybe we take a day off or something, but multiple weeks during the summer? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Neither of you are AHs.

He's entitled to a more relaxed rhythm. You are entitled to have your load lightened.

Surely he can envision a relaxed summer with tutoring? Can't he freelance the tutoring and set his own hours? I spent years paying for tutors who did this and charged upward of $90/hr, so it can be done

I agree that he should get some clients, then see if he can take the kids on certain days (at least on weekends!), so you don't have to do it all, all the time.

I mean, there is a LOT of room for compromise here. It's not all or nothing!

[Anonymous]

I'm a little surprised by the responses. Summer off is like the singular benefit of being a teacher! Between the stress, pay, extra workload, dealing with other peoples nasty kids, it's a rough job. Getting some time off over summer is literally the only upside!

I think with the extra info of having to dip into your savings is important. But I dont think its fair that people are talking about someone sitting on their a$$ all summer and not contributing. No one says that about SAHMs and dont necessarily expect them to pick up jobs when things get tight.

You can look at reducing expenses, and I like the idea of him spending some extra time with the kids instead of sending them to daycare for a few weeks. Can he take them to visit his mom? You deserve a break, but it's not healthy to begrudge your spouse for wanting to enjoy the only nice thing about their job.

[Anonymous]

I think the timing is more the problem than the content. It’s the end of the year and he is probably super stressed. I know in VA that SOLs are coming up, which are super important for teachers, and kids are probably poorly behaved because summer is in sight, at least my middle schooler is being a huge pain lately. I have a few friends who are teachers and they are all very stressed right now. He is probably thinking he just needs to push through these last six weeks and then he can finally relax, and it was more of an emotional reaction than him deciding he has earned those weeks of doing nothing. Especially if he has never worked in the summers before and this was the first time you brought it up.

I also think teaching is just incredibly hard and there’s basically zero down time all day so teachers need summers off to rest and be ready for another grueling year. On a regular basis, you probably get to eat lunch in your office or take a few minutes to browse DCUM a few times during the day or chat with co-workers over coffee and go to the bathroom whenever you feel like it. You probably get validation from bosses or clients when you turn in projects. He is on his feet most of the day, being greeted by surly and smelly tweens/teens who aren’t happy to be there. There are lots and lots of perks of an office job, and his only perk is summers off. And it’s a limited window at that - once the kids are out of daycare, I imagine he will be doing a lot summer child care. So it’s only a handful of years of this summer off thing.

I would bring it up again later, maybe during a discussion about finances and how your savings took a big hit with those expenses. Tutoring doesn’t have to be planned out in advance, he could pick up clients even after having a couple of weeks off to relax. I think you’re right that if you’re in financial dire straights, he doesn’t need 10 full weeks to lay by the pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had to dip into our emergency fund pretty substantially this year to cover several unexpected and large expenses (both medical and home related). So can we put food on the table, yes. Are we able to replenish our savings and get us back to a financially stable place, not really. Our HHI is about $160k so we do well, but aren’t super high income.

The extra tutoring money would allow us the flexibility to go on a small vacation this summer or put additional money away.

And do I resent my DH some that he sleeps in until whenever and lays out by the pool while I’m in the office 5 days a week, yes a bit. So I guess that makes me the AH. I also don’t like the pressure of having always been the breadwinner. If I lose my job we are in big trouble financially so I work incredibly hard to always be the high performer while he hangs out all summer at the pool or traveling while I work.

So I will own I’m the AH who should have married better (not the teacher) to avoid these feelings.

OP, I'm also married to a teacher and this topic (summers) was an ongoing source of conflict over the years. At one point we were in the same situation you are (needing to build up savings due to unexpected expenses) and he still refused to take on tutoring or anything else over the summer. I seethed for years as we (I) dug out of the financial hole.

Years later, in marriage counseling, he admitted that he had been TA, but by then so many similar such behaviors had accumulated that the damage was done. We are still married but it has not been easy or pretty.

I think it is completely reasonable for you to ask him to take on extra work and that no, YANTAH.

Consider counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are AHs.

He's entitled to a more relaxed rhythm. You are entitled to have your load lightened.

Surely he can envision a relaxed summer with tutoring? Can't he freelance the tutoring and set his own hours? I spent years paying for tutors who did this and charged upward of $90/hr, so it can be done

I agree that he should get some clients, then see if he can take the kids on certain days (at least on weekends!), so you don't have to do it all, all the time.

I mean, there is a LOT of room for compromise here. It's not all or nothing!

+1 I agree with all this. Neither of you are AHs. Just find a good balance where he can enjoy a more relaxing summer break (one of the main perks of being a teacher is getting that summer break after 10 months of hard work for low pay!) but also contribute to the household--by earning some extra income or doing more around the house/childcare, house projects, etc. Maybe you just approached the subject at a bad time (the end of the school year is typically the most stressful time for teachers--you guys should've discussed this long ago).

[Anonymous]

What does he normally do in the summers? When I was teaching I always also worked a summer job either teaching summer school or summer camps because we needed the money. But I wouldn't have liked it if my spouse told me I had to do that. I did it because I knew our family needed the $$. Does he view your family financial situation differently than you do? Maybe he doesn't think you need the money or maybe he feels he needs the time off more than your family needs the money...whether or not that's him being selfish I don't know since I don't know the details of your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given your added info about dipping into emergency funds during the year, I can see where I, in your shoes, would be a bit upset that DH did not decide, on his own, to take on some tutoring (at a minimum!) to help replenish your rainy day fund. A central office summer job might further burn him out, be too restrictive of his time, and impact the upcoming school. Don't many of us sometimes wish for a 9-month job to reset ourselves during the summer...then again most of us don't teach. As a household team, it should not be all or nothing. Your DH doing nothing all summer to contribute to the household finances, would in my mind make HTA.

Where do you live that the school year is 9 months/summer break is 3 months? In FCPS this past school year, teachers' first day was August 14 and last day for teachers will be June 18. That's 10 months by my count and that is similar to what every teacher/every school district I've heard of is like.

[Anonymous]

OP back. I appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I’ll try to answer a few lingering questions that seem to run through several responses.

Last summer he didn’t work. We had a newborn and I was on maternity leave and was just struggling. That kid is now 1 (older kid is 3.5) and in daycare. The summers prior he has worked. It’s been different things (tutoring, one summer before kids he bartended a couple night a week, took some odd jobs), but it’s always been a little something coming in.

He could take the kids from daycare but honestly he’s nap-trapped a good portion of the day and the 1 year old really doesn’t care about museums and such.

He leaves for school early (6:45) because he has morning duties so I’m on deck already every day for getting kids up and ready. He’s not a morning person so without nagging I don’t foresee him suddenly taking on morning duties. And really, I’m so over nagging.

I appreciate the perspective of the pp who admitted to seething while rebuilding the nest egg. I see him out spending money while I work. The resentment is creeping in.

I should also add that he really loves teaching and is great at connecting with kids who don’t want to be there (particularly tween/teen boys). So while teaching is hard, I totally agree with that, he’s not completely beat down and downtrodden (yet).

[Anonymous]

Just as an aside, it takes a special kind of person to enjoy teaching at the middle school level. Kudos to your husband!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little surprised by the responses. Summer off is like the singular benefit of being a teacher! Between the stress, pay, extra workload, dealing with other peoples nasty kids, it's a rough job. Getting some time off over summer is literally the only upside!

I think with the extra info of having to dip into your savings is important. But I dont think its fair that people are talking about someone sitting on their a$$ all summer and not contributing. No one says that about SAHMs and dont necessarily expect them to pick up jobs when things get tight.

You can look at reducing expenses, and I like the idea of him spending some extra time with the kids instead of sending them to daycare for a few weeks. Can he take them to visit his mom? You deserve a break, but it's not healthy to begrudge your spouse for wanting to enjoy the only nice thing about their job.

It's a great benefit, but once a spouse and children are in the picture, it's reasonable to expect that the family's needs take priority, vs. time off for the teacher.

RE SAHMs, many of them do in fact pick up paid work when the need arises.