What is this type of a response?

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the PPs with a mom like this. It hasn't necessarily gotten easier to deflect/not internalize her negative comments, especially as they've increased as she has aged (the PP who said George Costanza's mother nailed it), but here's the thing, you'll never please her. She isn't happy with how often she sees you (which is quite a lot!), so let's say you ramp up to seeing her every day . . . she will still complain. I keep telling myself I will never please my mother, and she will always complain about whatever her nits are (e.g., when I was younger and single and got into a prestigious grad program my mother's comment was that she thought I was going to tell her I was engaged then made a sad face, thanks for taking the wind out of my sails mom!)

I see my father (in his 80s!) still trying to please my mother, and being hurt/shocked by her negative comments. Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't be like him. It's a her problem, not a you problem. Live your life! Go on your amazing trip with your daughter! Her negative comments are water off a duck's back (or insert other pithy saying). And, yeah, I'd probably tell your DH to stop sharing her comments with you. Just assume she is making them and carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like this, and it is only getting worse with age. Pretty sure it comes from untreated anxiety… she has an Rx for anti-anxiety medication, but refuses to take it. I’ve been hearing these comments for 20 years. I usually deflect them with “mm hmm. So, how was your visit with SIL?” Or occasionally “oh no need to worry, I’m sure we will have a great time camping! Larlo and Larla are really looking forward to it!” And then change the subject. It used to bother me, but now I mostly just brush it off.

Anxiety is talking a mile a minute, or always about yourself, or never at all.

Anxiety is not insulting everything someone does or plans to do.

Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is probably jealous. Do you ever invite her on trips with your family. I’m sure it would be excruciating, but I wonder if she feels left out?

She sounds like a bitter, petty woman who either takes joy in her petty rude comments or just can’t help herself.

Alternatively she’s aspergers and the above but clueless how rude she is.

I wouldn’t give two F’s what she ever said if she has a pattern of those rude comments.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom does that because she is miserable and has untreated anxiety. Ignore.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like this, and it is only getting worse with age. Pretty sure it comes from untreated anxiety… she has an Rx for anti-anxiety medication, but refuses to take it. I’ve been hearing these comments for 20 years. I usually deflect them with “mm hmm. So, how was your visit with SIL?” Or occasionally “oh no need to worry, I’m sure we will have a great time camping! Larlo and Larla are really looking forward to it!” And then change the subject. It used to bother me, but now I mostly just brush it off.

Anxiety is talking a mile a minute, or always about yourself, or never at all.

Anxiety is not insulting everything someone does or plans to do.

Come on.

Not necessarily. Anxiety can look like a building discomfort about what others are telling you. Maybe it's "too much" for her to take in, too big in scope, too many details, too indulgent, too expensive, too far away, or too unfamiliar. My mother is the same.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like every single.older relative I have. For them it's a combination of anxiety and that these are not activities that they would want for themselves.

They have no capacity to understand others may want different things, or to they don't care about coming across as negative.

[Anonymous]

Its called being set in their ways

[Anonymous]

A lot of older people enjoy the status quo and feel attacked when people talk about change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its called being set in their ways

You can be set in your ways and not negative about other people's plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sounds like George Costanza's mother

Ha!

OP, ask your husband to stop oversharing.
With her. And with you.
Everyone might be a little bit happier.

Have a great time with your DD on your Mother's Day trip!

[Anonymous]

OP here looping back - thanks for all the advice. I am going to ask my husband to call out the negativity when he hears it. Whether or not he does I’m not sure… I don’t think he really sees it as pettiness quite yet. It’s like he’s in the woods with her sometimes and doesn’t see the forest for what it is, but that is another matter and it may take him more time to see it for what it is. It took him years to recognize that his mother often guilt trips when she doesn’t get her way. Thank you all -

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like this, and it is only getting worse with age. Pretty sure it comes from untreated anxiety… she has an Rx for anti-anxiety medication, but refuses to take it. I’ve been hearing these comments for 20 years. I usually deflect them with “mm hmm. So, how was your visit with SIL?” Or occasionally “oh no need to worry, I’m sure we will have a great time camping! Larlo and Larla are really looking forward to it!” And then change the subject. It used to bother me, but now I mostly just brush it off.

Anxiety is talking a mile a minute, or always about yourself, or never at all.

Anxiety is not insulting everything someone does or plans to do.

Come on.

Not necessarily. Anxiety can look like a building discomfort about what others are telling you. Maybe it's "too much" for her to take in, too big in scope, too many details, too indulgent, too expensive, too far away, or too unfamiliar. My mother is the same.

So what.
Just because you’re “overwhelmed” at someone else’s plans or discussion doesn’t mean you lash out or give your peon negative opinion.

If you were that anxious you’d shutdown not get angry and start an awkward argument.

No folks, putting others down is nasty. And if someone does it a lot they’re nasty. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

My mother does this because she feels her strongly stated opinion demonstrates her value and justifies her existence. It's her way of showing she matters and cares. It's a trauma response. Unfortunately it's also the reason she doesn't see her grandchildren or have a relationship with her child.

[Anonymous]

This is not a trauma response.

Stop overusing that word and diluting actually abuse victims who were chronically traumatized.