This is a relatable thread in some ways. It's hard when a family has drama and hard feelings, then something happens that requires you to suck it up and be the better person. Going back to your original question about how to manage your emotions while you're there, just keep reminding yourself that it's only a visit and it's the right thing to do.
I'm sure both you and your sister have faults. Maybe you're both terrible people, we don't know, who cares. What's important is that you're trying not to be a terrible person when you visit because, as you say, this isn't about you. Good for you for recognizing that. The rest is irrelevant under the circumstances. |
DP. I think you need to leave this thread. The loss of a child is traumatic for the entire family. Most of all for the immediate family, but also for the extended family. Grief brings up a lot of feelings. OP is having feelings, that is normal. You know who is not grieving? The random DCUM posters responding to OP. Stop bullying a person going through a traumatic loss. |
OP, I'd do what is appropriate to support your sister and her family in this tragic time, esp since you could not be there during the funeral.
I'd also give some real thought to your family dynamics of judging, being superior, etc. That family members are saying "told you so!" to you re: a dead RELATIVE/CHILD! is important to note. You shutting that down within yourself and if it arises again, with them, can be an important shift in a prior pattern. We can't always prevent tragedy, much as we think being judgy is a shield. Basic human decency is pretty clear here. Sometimes bad things happen. It's part of life. Sad that attacking a bereaved family who lost a CHILD is your extended families response. Sit with the fear and grief that tragedy can and has struck and extend compassion. |
This. |
OP doesn't seem to be grieving... |
Op there must be more to this story. Your feelings for your sister obviously predate the slur. |
She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event. |
OP here. Thanks. And that's a thanks to all of you, including the people who think I'm awful.
Yes, I am super flawed myself as a person and as a parent. Yes, I am super-judgey toward my sister. She is, quite separately from everything that has happened in the past 12 months or so, a messy human being. A lot of the time I don't like her. We're not close, and that's for the best. But I also love her and wish so much that she didn't have to go through this grief. Her eldest was a good person with a whole promising life ahead, and to the person who wrote that I don't seem to be grieving, I cordially invite you to go pound sand. I absolutely hate how gossipy, backstabby, and dramatic my entire family is -- I try to stay away from it and out of it, and that's why I did my venting here in an anonymous forum, rather than calling my mother or my favorite cousin. Really trying hard to keep that particular dynamic from continuing in my own life. I really appreciate the advice I'm getting and, while I don't like the criticism, I appreciate it too and am reflecting upon it. |
And again....you can't make a post without bashing your sister. This is so freaking easy. "Omg, we told her Jimmy was going to die and she didn't listen to us. Now look what happened". "Aunt Sue, sister is grieving the loss of her child, this isn't the time or place to play I told you so" We get it. You are far superior and she's a trainwreck. Do you really have that much of a difficult time figuring out how to put that aside for a few days?!! |
As another parent who has lost a child, I will tell you that the impulse to blame the parents is very strong. The death of a child is horrifying, and people want to distance themselves and reassure themselves that their own perfect parenting protects them. If they can’t find a reason why the death was your fault then they look for a reason you are a bad parent, so they can continue to believe that fate doesn’t randomly steal the beloved children of good parents.
So, what you are doing is very understandable, but it’s still an impulse you need to resist. Your sister’s kid didn’t die because his mother didn’t teach his sibling how to properly apologize. You bringing that up shoes how you are grasping at straws to protect yourself from the ugly reality that children die. When someone brings it up tell them they are being nasty and shut it down. Also, recognize that one comment from one of her apparently many kids a year ago is over, and you need to move past it. |
I really don't get why you're going. You can't go a post without being mean about your sister. You're not going to be able to support her, so why make it worse? |
I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk. |
There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister. |
You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like. |
Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b |