Narcissistic SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what, I’m really tired of people on Instagram and DCUM throwing around “narc” so much. Narcissism is actually a clinical term and laypeople can’t diagnose it.

Isn’t it funny how you liked her at first? The most logical explanation is that over time, relationships with ILs devolve from well-intentioned, best-foot-forward interactions to familiarity to real life with real people and all their flaws and foibles. So liking someone at first and then eventually having problems and a strained relationship does not necessarily indicate “narcissism” so much as it indicates “human relationships.”

+1

A few years all the bad people were BPD. I really hate the armchair diagnosing- definitely one of the plagues of social media. One of the worst things it does is encouraging people to go “no contact” at the drop of a hat. Now, I don’t want to minimize DV, and there are times where that is definitely the safe thing to do.

Most people that we find problematic can be dealt with using boundaries. Set reasonable boundaries, keep them, don’t fight. If someone is super toxic, they’ll cut YOU off in response to boundaries (but that doesn’t happen very often, because we aren’t actually as overrun with “narcs” or whatever else as the internet wants us to believe).

How do you set a boundary for someone who is always turning the conversation back to themselves? I’m just used to a conversation going back and forth, not to someone asking a question, then interrupting the answer to continue their monologue.

Why do you need to set a boundary with something so minor? There’s nothing abusive or toxic about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what, I’m really tired of people on Instagram and DCUM throwing around “narc” so much. Narcissism is actually a clinical term and laypeople can’t diagnose it.

Isn’t it funny how you liked her at first? The most logical explanation is that over time, relationships with ILs devolve from well-intentioned, best-foot-forward interactions to familiarity to real life with real people and all their flaws and foibles. So liking someone at first and then eventually having problems and a strained relationship does not necessarily indicate “narcissism” so much as it indicates “human relationships.”

+1

A few years all the bad people were BPD. I really hate the armchair diagnosing- definitely one of the plagues of social media. One of the worst things it does is encouraging people to go “no contact” at the drop of a hat. Now, I don’t want to minimize DV, and there are times where that is definitely the safe thing to do.

Most people that we find problematic can be dealt with using boundaries. Set reasonable boundaries, keep them, don’t fight. If someone is super toxic, they’ll cut YOU off in response to boundaries (but that doesn’t happen very often, because we aren’t actually as overrun with “narcs” or whatever else as the internet wants us to believe).

How do you set a boundary for someone who is always turning the conversation back to themselves? I’m just used to a conversation going back and forth, not to someone asking a question, then interrupting the answer to continue their monologue.

Why do you need to set a boundary with something so minor? There’s nothing abusive or toxic about this.

It’s one example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what, I’m really tired of people on Instagram and DCUM throwing around “narc” so much. Narcissism is actually a clinical term and laypeople can’t diagnose it.

Isn’t it funny how you liked her at first? The most logical explanation is that over time, relationships with ILs devolve from well-intentioned, best-foot-forward interactions to familiarity to real life with real people and all their flaws and foibles. So liking someone at first and then eventually having problems and a strained relationship does not necessarily indicate “narcissism” so much as it indicates “human relationships.”

+1

A few years all the bad people were BPD. I really hate the armchair diagnosing- definitely one of the plagues of social media. One of the worst things it does is encouraging people to go “no contact” at the drop of a hat. Now, I don’t want to minimize DV, and there are times where that is definitely the safe thing to do.

Most people that we find problematic can be dealt with using boundaries. Set reasonable boundaries, keep them, don’t fight. If someone is super toxic, they’ll cut YOU off in response to boundaries (but that doesn’t happen very often, because we aren’t actually as overrun with “narcs” or whatever else as the internet wants us to believe).

How do you set a boundary for someone who is always turning the conversation back to themselves? I’m just used to a conversation going back and forth, not to someone asking a question, then interrupting the answer to continue their monologue.

First, is it really intolerable, or just an annoyance? If the latter, maybe you let it go.

If it’s intolerable you can pick an amount of time you can live with. 5-10-15 minutes? If you can’t have a conversation at that point, just smile and say, “It’s been great hearing about XYZ! I’m off to the [pool, kitchen, talk to Aunt Diana, whatever]. See you later.” And walk away.

I have a cousin who will tell you every moment of his day, like putting his socks on. He will not stop. We have to just get up and walk away. It’s probably a trauma thing (over talking sometimes is) with him. He’s not a bad person, he can be very kind. He *receives* info through email.

It’s been decades. We’re past annoyance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you describe your narcissistic SIL who seems to initially fool people she meets until they catch on, albeit slowly, because she’s so good at hiding it? it even took me a while, and I’m usually good at spotting them fairly quickly.

Not sure if she’s a narcissist but SIL’s “thing” was she was a good mother and daughter because she was the only one of the four (three brothers) who had children/grandchildren for the parents and she stayed at home to care for them. She demanded special treatment which basically meant their mother
paid all their living expenses (husband was a cheating deadbeat but she was too embarrassed to be a divorcee) so she could sit at home on the couch. She turned into a raving lunatic when the mother died and the brothers did not gift her their quarter inheritances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With two long posters above it seems to be the typical queen bee wannabe who undermines the other female in the family. Not too complicated.

But it does suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you describe your narcissistic SIL who seems to initially fool people she meets until they catch on, albeit slowly, because she’s so good at hiding it? it even took me a while, and I’m usually good at spotting them fairly quickly.

Not sure if she’s a narcissist but SIL’s “thing” was she was a good mother and daughter because she was the only one of the four (three brothers) who had children/grandchildren for the parents and she stayed at home to care for them. She demanded special treatment which basically meant their mother
paid all their living expenses (husband was a cheating deadbeat but she was too embarrassed to be a divorcee) so she could sit at home on the couch. She turned into a raving lunatic when the mother died and the brothers did not gift her their quarter inheritances.

I’m confused. She took care of their parents but she was a deadbeat?

[Anonymous]

SiL demanded that her parents leave her all liquid assets and that the real estate is left to DH (just the two of them). She is "just not good at that stuff" so she wants the money. Supposedly she has a signed and sealed letter from FiL for this. Every time we see them she works it into the conversation.

The real estate is not in a hot market. There will be some money from the sale of a vacation home, but it is jointly owned with FiL's cousin, so there won't be a cash out of all of the proceeds of it. If the cousin doesn't want to sell, it could get complicating in determining the price for FiL's share. Based on experience, they will definitely want to take advantage of needing to sell and offer a low price. The primary residence was meant to be a downsize but cost nearly the same as the sale of the childhood home, once you take into account the transaction costs, etc. so there isn't necessarily a windfall there.

Narcissistic, toxic, self-involved - IDK what this is, but it's something.

[Anonymous]

Narcissists are actually pretty rare and if you meet one, you won't forget it. Everyone who comes in contact with them will have a story about how poisonous they are. They will do absolutely evil things. What we are talking about here are merely selfish, spoiled women who can't be bothered to be friendly to a sister in law and those are common indeed.
Mine is much like a PP's in that she knows absolutely nothing about me, has never tried to have a conversation, couldn't even be bothered to mention our engagement or first pregnancy, ignores me at every party and acts sweet to my family and friends who are strangers to her. I even came to a work event of hers to be supportive (she wrote a message inviting one and all on facebook) and she acted like I wasn't there.
My husband finally asked her what her problem was and apparently it's because I'm Republican (something I've never mentioned to her but she knows through her brother). Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SiL demanded that her parents leave her all liquid assets and that the real estate is left to DH (just the two of them). She is "just not good at that stuff" so she wants the money. Supposedly she has a signed and sealed letter from FiL for this. Every time we see them she works it into the conversation.

The real estate is not in a hot market. There will be some money from the sale of a vacation home, but it is jointly owned with FiL's cousin, so there won't be a cash out of all of the proceeds of it. If the cousin doesn't want to sell, it could get complicating in determining the price for FiL's share. Based on experience, they will definitely want to take advantage of needing to sell and offer a low price. The primary residence was meant to be a downsize but cost nearly the same as the sale of the childhood home, once you take into account the transaction costs, etc. so there isn't necessarily a windfall there.

Narcissistic, toxic, self-involved - IDK what this is, but it's something.

There it is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SiL demanded that her parents leave her all liquid assets and that the real estate is left to DH (just the two of them). She is "just not good at that stuff" so she wants the money. Supposedly she has a signed and sealed letter from FiL for this. Every time we see them she works it into the conversation.

The real estate is not in a hot market. There will be some money from the sale of a vacation home, but it is jointly owned with FiL's cousin, so there won't be a cash out of all of the proceeds of it. If the cousin doesn't want to sell, it could get complicating in determining the price for FiL's share. Based on experience, they will definitely want to take advantage of needing to sell and offer a low price. The primary residence was meant to be a downsize but cost nearly the same as the sale of the childhood home, once you take into account the transaction costs, etc. so there isn't necessarily a windfall there.

Narcissistic, toxic, self-involved - IDK what this is, but it's something.

There it is

You forgot the “whoop”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissists are actually pretty rare and if you meet one, you won't forget it. Everyone who comes in contact with them will have a story about how poisonous they are. They will do absolutely evil things. What we are talking about here are merely selfish, spoiled women who can't be bothered to be friendly to a sister in law and those are common indeed.
Mine is much like a PP's in that she knows absolutely nothing about me, has never tried to have a conversation, couldn't even be bothered to mention our engagement or first pregnancy, ignores me at every party and acts sweet to my family and friends who are strangers to her. I even came to a work event of hers to be supportive (she wrote a message inviting one and all on facebook) and she acted like I wasn't there.
My husband finally asked her what her problem was and apparently it's because I'm Republican (something I've never mentioned to her but she knows through her brother). Ok.

I've been a bleeding Dem since I was in the single digits and that's pretty bad. I engage with all relatives and ILs who are GOP. I don't shade my views, but I don't pretend to not see them.

I'm sorry about the work event - that cannot have been a great feeling to have been snubbed. In the early years, SiL called me for a recipe. I called her back - "she called me - how nice" - and she never returned the call. I showed up with the item when we were visiting them some time later (it's an easy item to take as a hostess gift) and she made a point of saying, "I asked you for that recipe and you never sent it to me." So I replied, "I called you back and never heard from you." Without missing a beat, she said, "I was calling for the recipe, not to talk."

[Anonymous]

My SIL is a diagnosed narcissist and luckily that means she has behaved so outrageously that she is blocked and I never have to see her again. So you have something to look forward to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is a diagnosed narcissist and luckily that means she has behaved so outrageously that she is blocked and I never have to see her again. So you have something to look forward to.

What did she do? When did she get blocked?

My SiL is not going to get diagnosed as a narcissist, but the stuff that goes on still wears me down. Does DH on occasions too, but he is generally more resilient. And it is his only sib, so somehow he seems to be able to give it more of a pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissists are actually pretty rare and if you meet one, you won't forget it. Everyone who comes in contact with them will have a story about how poisonous they are. They will do absolutely evil things. What we are talking about here are merely selfish, spoiled women who can't be bothered to be friendly to a sister in law and those are common indeed.
Mine is much like a PP's in that she knows absolutely nothing about me, has never tried to have a conversation, couldn't even be bothered to mention our engagement or first pregnancy, ignores me at every party and acts sweet to my family and friends who are strangers to her. I even came to a work event of hers to be supportive (she wrote a message inviting one and all on facebook) and she acted like I wasn't there.
My husband finally asked her what her problem was and apparently it's because I'm Republican (something I've never mentioned to her but she knows through her brother). Ok.

I've been a bleeding Dem since I was in the single digits and that's pretty bad. I engage with all relatives and ILs who are GOP. I don't shade my views, but I don't pretend to not see them.

I'm sorry about the work event - that cannot have been a great feeling to have been snubbed. In the early years, SiL called me for a recipe. I called her back - "she called me - how nice" - and she never returned the call. I showed up with the item when we were visiting them some time later (it's an easy item to take as a hostess gift) and she made a point of saying, "I asked you for that recipe and you never sent it to me." So I replied, "I called you back and never heard from you." Without missing a beat, she said, "I was calling for the recipe, not to talk."

Ugh how painful! Why do they have to be this way!
Another time I sent her a text "Next Saturday is (her nephews) 2nd birthday, we'd love to see you and (boyfriend), at 3 pm blah blah" and got no response. The night before she texts my husband saying shes coming and asking if she should bring a dish to the party. He responded that I was the menu planner so I was the one to ask...radio silence.
I cannot imagine my mother or aunt ever treating their brothers wife this way. It really seems like the loss of formal manners means people think they should never be forced to interact with someone they don't care for. That's not a society.

[Anonymous]

Don’t want to say it (as a woman) but women are especially petty with one another. I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it too, although I hope as I’ve gotten older less so. Silent treatments, creating drama where there is none. I’m so sick of it. My SIL is self-centered from the day I met her. She has never asked about me in all the 10+ years I’ve known her. I have a professional degree that she wishes she had— how do I know? She literally told a friend of mine with the same degree, you know I almost went to graduate school for that degree, as if she should get credit for thinking about pursuing the degree and be included in discussions and activities relating to our field.