Help me love my ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

Are you like this for 5 years, going for another 5? If not, you have no business lecturing OP. Go back to your lane.

I'm on year 3 and pregnancy 9 of this hell, so yes?

NP. Regardless of the number of years, your situation is completely different. You were talking about a temporary infertility situation and you’re in that in order to create children for you both. That is completely different from a long term Ronica health condition. It’s not appropriate for you to equate the two.

[Anonymous]

Take a vacation by yourself. And get therapy. Not feeling well is awful and he is caught up in it. Tell him you will talk for 15 minutes a day about his issues, After that he can talk to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy. Individual and couples. I’m sorry, but he needs to be grateful that you are fulfilling your end of the bargain and sticking with him for better or worse and he has to try, especially if you’re doing everything for him and the children. If this is a lifelong condition and he’s never going to get better, he cannot expect that you will be a nursemaid forever and never be able to have your emotional needs met. That is incredibly self centered. What happens if you get some kind of cancer? Who will care for you? Your children? I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

The bolded above is exactly right. He has forgotten that you need something from him still.

I agree, start with therapy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you clarify a bit more about his condition? Are there support groups for caregivers in your situation? To be fair, two months is not an especially long time to be dealing with an illness. Do you have friends you can spend some time with?

OP here. 2 months without sex. He has been dealing with this illness for around 5 years. His condition is still getting figured out. I do have friends I can spend time with but we have kids and I have to deal with them. He snaps, he is cranky and always moody so I leave them to only run errands for my sanity.

Only 2 months? Look up prostate cancer and come back to us after you've read about the side effects of that surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

Are you like this for 5 years, going for another 5? If not, you have no business lecturing OP. Go back to your lane.

+1 Yoir experience is not relevant.

[Anonymous]

Is he in pain or just tired and run down? When he complains, do you ask him what he wants you to do? For example, make an appointment with the doctor. Does he still go to work? Does he complain there too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Okay here is another perspective - many women don’t get the husband who asks about their day or how they slept even if husband is perfectly healthy. Men are (in general, not all men) less about talking about stuff like that and less considerate of their partners etc.

Having a chronic debilitating condition that cannot be cured and limits one’s life in substantial ways is incredibly depressing and most people who deal with that kind of thing tend to become a little obsessive about their condition. As a professional caregiver I’ve seen that in men and women equally over my years of taking care of people in such circumstances. Some rise above and maintain very positive mental health but that is not the norm.

After years of working with disabled people I’ve come to a point in my life where I realize that truly all the stuff in the world means nothing in the absence of health and I fully understand why so many people struggling with illness also struggle with mental health.

I am not the OP. Thank you to the poster who wrote this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to come home and he ask how my day was or I wake up and he asks how I slept.

Tell him this. People with chronic illness aren’t the only people on the struggle bus.

[Anonymous]

Caregiver support group for you. Look at whatever organization that deals with his condition offers, ie. MS groups.
He needs a LCSW/counselor to talk to that will help him deal with chronic illness and uncertainties.

[Anonymous]

You have to grieve what you have lost, ideally to some extent together.

This errand-running thing is avoidance.

Your life has changed, maybe permanently. So has his. It’s a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

While that is a very difficult place to dwell, it’s quite different. Apples to snow peas.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband has MS and I completely understand. Get yourself into therapy and as part of that, make sure that you take care of yourself very well every day.

Encourage your husband to get into therapy as well, and to consider an antidepressant if he is diagnosed with depression (highly likely). I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

How about plan a short little day excursion to have a lunch picnic in the sun, at the park by a lake, show him how to live again how it feels for the sun to shine on him maybe that would spark something.

Be grateful that you are not the sick one OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

TOTALLY NOT THE SAME AS CHRONIC ILLNESS but thanks for playing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is ill. He isn’t going to die… but he is going through health stuff. He has for a while and will continue for a while. He has changed. I am aware that it is due to his illness. He is depressed. He lacks drive. He lacks motivation. He sits all the time. He talks about his health 24/7. We don’t go out and date anymore. We don’t have sex except maybe once a month. It has been two months this far. I feel bad for saying this but I am not finding him attractive like I used to. Physically and mentally. I don’t know what to do or say. I know he can not change this but I also can’t change my feelings either. Being around him is mentally draining. I am finding excuses to run errands so I don’t feel like I am getting sucked down with him. Please someone help me even if it is to say suck it up, you are being a B. I don’t seek companion or sex with others in case that gets asked. I just want my husband back. I want communication. I want affection. I want fun times.

We don't always get what we want.

In sickness and in health and all that. If you don't like it, think how he feels...