Getting over baby fever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people I happen to know with three kids are having major marital issues and I didn’t want to disturb what has so far been a great life.

This. Or the mother who was the one who wanted that third baby the most is a miserable mother martyr who pretends it’s all fine when she’s cracking. If one spouse says no, you have to respect that. Some things cannot be compromised on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people I happen to know with three kids are having major marital issues and I didn’t want to disturb what has so far been a great life.

This. Or the mother who was the one who wanted that third baby the most is a miserable mother martyr who pretends it’s all fine when she’s cracking. If one spouse says no, you have to respect that. Some things cannot be compromised on.

The families I know with multiple kids are pretty happy, you are just trying to convince yourself that all big families struggle. Also, it's in no way a rule or law that if one spouse says no, you have to respect that. Life is so much more nuanced than that, but you seem unable to grasp it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Myself and some others I know are in process of divorce from husbands who never really wanted that final child. And they keep reminding us. Men know their limits and we need to respect that for the last longevity of our marriage.
Think if having that additional baby is worth being a single mom at some point ( because these husbands usually abandon, and I’m talking upper middle class families)

Somehow when my husband denied me the last baby, I realized he has no respect for my desires and my vision of my life. He knew how important it was for me, he knew I’d never get over it, but he decided it’s we’ll worth his comfort. I have limits too.

“Denied you the last baby?” That’s pretty harsh. What makes your needs more important than his limits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Myself and some others I know are in process of divorce from husbands who never really wanted that final child. And they keep reminding us. Men know their limits and we need to respect that for the last longevity of our marriage.
Think if having that additional baby is worth being a single mom at some point ( because these husbands usually abandon, and I’m talking upper middle class families)

Somehow when my husband denied me the last baby, I realized he has no respect for my desires and my vision of my life. He knew how important it was for me, he knew I’d never get over it, but he decided it’s we’ll worth his comfort. I have limits too.

“Denied you the last baby?” That’s pretty harsh. What makes your needs more important than his limits?

The internet stranger cannot asses his limits and my needs better than I do. So you have to trust my word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I looked at all the things we were able to do that would be more difficult with another kid. I got over the baby fever pretty quickly but just appreciating our lives for what they were. And then a few friends started having babies and I was worried it would kickstart resentment. It did the opposite. I loved visiting and helping out, but I was SO glad we ended up not having another one.

+1

Especially to the first sentence above: "I looked at all the things we were able to do that would be more difficult with another kid."

OP, sit down and list all the things you want to do with your existing kids(s)--do you look forward to, say, traveling with them and showing them interesting places and creating memories that way? Do you want to be involved and volunteer when they are involved in activities, groups, etc.? Be able to chaperone school field trips sometimes? Have the ability to sit down and do things at home with your kid(s) without the nagging feeling that you have to watch the clock because another, younger kid's schedule/nap/preschool pickup time is coming up soon? If you want to do those things, shift into the "It's great to be able to be involved in my kid's preschool/dance class/scouts eventually etc.!" mindset. Focus on that instead of on the baby phase.

I am NOT saying that parents with 2, 3, more kids are never chaperones, or volunteers, or travel with the kids, etc. But I am saying that those things are much easier, the fewer the kids. Sure, there are joys in however many kids you want to have, but your time and energy don't stretch infinitely, and you can be a parent with more time and energy for involvement as your kids grow, if you don't have another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Myself and some others I know are in process of divorce from husbands who never really wanted that final child. And they keep reminding us. Men know their limits and we need to respect that for the last longevity of our marriage.
Think if having that additional baby is worth being a single mom at some point ( because these husbands usually abandon, and I’m talking upper middle class families)

Somehow when my husband denied me the last baby, I realized he has no respect for my desires and my vision of my life. He knew how important it was for me, he knew I’d never get over it, but he decided it’s we’ll worth his comfort. I have limits too.

“Denied you the last baby?” That’s pretty harsh. What makes your needs more important than his limits?

The internet stranger cannot asses his limits and my needs better than I do. So you have to trust my word.

Not the PP to whom you're responding, but this reply and your post about being "denied" both imply a lot of bitterness and anger about what you seem to see as a right to create another life. I sincerely hope, for the sake of your already existing children, that you are seeking therapy to discuss that anger and resentment, so they do not end up living in a home where their parents are estranged over this. Children pick up on parents' emotions even when parents think they're hiding things well. Your kids very possibly will pick up on the idea that they weren't quite enough to satisfy mom, and might blame themselves for the tension between you and DH (if you're even still married). And yes, I'm another "Internet stranger," but you did post on a public forum where the norm is to opine and reply to posts like yours.

[Anonymous]

I was like you and wanted another but Dh didn’t. Oldest was 5. After another year, I convinced Dh to try for a few months. I was 38. I got pregnant and we now have a third.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Myself and some others I know are in process of divorce from husbands who never really wanted that final child. And they keep reminding us. Men know their limits and we need to respect that for the last longevity of our marriage.
Think if having that additional baby is worth being a single mom at some point ( because these husbands usually abandon, and I’m talking upper middle class families)

Somehow when my husband denied me the last baby, I realized he has no respect for my desires and my vision of my life. He knew how important it was for me, he knew I’d never get over it, but he decided it’s we’ll worth his comfort. I have limits too.

“Denied you the last baby?” That’s pretty harsh. What makes your needs more important than his limits?

The internet stranger cannot asses his limits and my needs better than I do. So you have to trust my word.

Not the PP to whom you're responding, but this reply and your post about being "denied" both imply a lot of bitterness and anger about what you seem to see as a right to create another life. I sincerely hope, for the sake of your already existing children, that you are seeking therapy to discuss that anger and resentment, so they do not end up living in a home where their parents are estranged over this. Children pick up on parents' emotions even when parents think they're hiding things well. Your kids very possibly will pick up on the idea that they weren't quite enough to satisfy mom, and might blame themselves for the tension between you and DH (if you're even still married). And yes, I'm another "Internet stranger," but you did post on a public forum where the norm is to opine and reply to posts like yours.

I was objecting to PP presenting their assumptions as facts, I welcome your opinion.

Yes, I am resentful and bitter and I have the right to be. I went to therapy and the suggestion was for me to get a dog!!! Ffs. So bad, it’s funny. Our situation is more complex than I am ready to discuss, but I believe that the “get over your vision of your life because he said so” is the wrong approach that is being pushed onto women and being parroted as some sort of a law.

My existing kids are so much loved; they know we adore them and that they mean the world to us. They are enough but we have resources and love to give to another kid (but won’t).

When I read discussions here on DCUM on how one’s DH did not want another but recognized how important it was to their wife and went with it, I feel yet again that I am missing a critical part in my relationship. This what makes me resentful and bitter. I accommodate his career, I live near his family, I live way below our means, and I take over everything to have him go on solo vacations - just some examples - because I love him and want to make him happy. Yet all these compromises are taken for granted and my one big request is denied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Myself and some others I know are in process of divorce from husbands who never really wanted that final child. And they keep reminding us. Men know their limits and we need to respect that for the last longevity of our marriage.
Think if having that additional baby is worth being a single mom at some point ( because these husbands usually abandon, and I’m talking upper middle class families)

Somehow when my husband denied me the last baby, I realized he has no respect for my desires and my vision of my life. He knew how important it was for me, he knew I’d never get over it, but he decided it’s we’ll worth his comfort. I have limits too.

“Denied you the last baby?” That’s pretty harsh. What makes your needs more important than his limits?

The internet stranger cannot asses his limits and my needs better than I do. So you have to trust my word.

Not the PP to whom you're responding, but this reply and your post about being "denied" both imply a lot of bitterness and anger about what you seem to see as a right to create another life. I sincerely hope, for the sake of your already existing children, that you are seeking therapy to discuss that anger and resentment, so they do not end up living in a home where their parents are estranged over this. Children pick up on parents' emotions even when parents think they're hiding things well. Your kids very possibly will pick up on the idea that they weren't quite enough to satisfy mom, and might blame themselves for the tension between you and DH (if you're even still married). And yes, I'm another "Internet stranger," but you did post on a public forum where the norm is to opine and reply to posts like yours.

I was objecting to PP presenting their assumptions as facts, I welcome your opinion.

Yes, I am resentful and bitter and I have the right to be. I went to therapy and the suggestion was for me to get a dog!!! Ffs. So bad, it’s funny. Our situation is more complex than I am ready to discuss, but I believe that the “get over your vision of your life because he said so” is the wrong approach that is being pushed onto women and being parroted as some sort of a law.

My existing kids are so much loved; they know we adore them and that they mean the world to us. They are enough but we have resources and love to give to another kid (but won’t).

When I read discussions here on DCUM on how one’s DH did not want another but recognized how important it was to their wife and went with it, I feel yet again that I am missing a critical part in my relationship. This what makes me resentful and bitter. I accommodate his career, I live near his family, I live way below our means, and I take over everything to have him go on solo vacations - just some examples - because I love him and want to make him happy. Yet all these compromises are taken for granted and my one big request is denied.

That therapist was frankly crappy. There are actually good ones out there. It's sadly not always easy to find the right one, the first time out, and I hope you won't give up on therapy because of that one terrible therapist. Because you are living with a s**tload of deep resentment over, it seems, more than just wanting another child (witness: the many sacrifices you feel you make for your DH....), and festering resentment is fatal to marriages. I hope you get an outside perspective with more wisdom than "get a dog." How awful of that shrink. But not all are like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Myself and some others I know are in process of divorce from husbands who never really wanted that final child. And they keep reminding us. Men know their limits and we need to respect that for the last longevity of our marriage.
Think if having that additional baby is worth being a single mom at some point ( because these husbands usually abandon, and I’m talking upper middle class families)

Somehow when my husband denied me the last baby, I realized he has no respect for my desires and my vision of my life. He knew how important it was for me, he knew I’d never get over it, but he decided it’s we’ll worth his comfort. I have limits too.

“Denied you the last baby?” That’s pretty harsh. What makes your needs more important than his limits?

The internet stranger cannot asses his limits and my needs better than I do. So you have to trust my word.

Not the PP to whom you're responding, but this reply and your post about being "denied" both imply a lot of bitterness and anger about what you seem to see as a right to create another life. I sincerely hope, for the sake of your already existing children, that you are seeking therapy to discuss that anger and resentment, so they do not end up living in a home where their parents are estranged over this. Children pick up on parents' emotions even when parents think they're hiding things well. Your kids very possibly will pick up on the idea that they weren't quite enough to satisfy mom, and might blame themselves for the tension between you and DH (if you're even still married). And yes, I'm another "Internet stranger," but you did post on a public forum where the norm is to opine and reply to posts like yours.

I was objecting to PP presenting their assumptions as facts, I welcome your opinion.

Yes, I am resentful and bitter and I have the right to be. I went to therapy and the suggestion was for me to get a dog!!! Ffs. So bad, it’s funny. Our situation is more complex than I am ready to discuss, but I believe that the “get over your vision of your life because he said so” is the wrong approach that is being pushed onto women and being parroted as some sort of a law.

My existing kids are so much loved; they know we adore them and that they mean the world to us. They are enough but we have resources and love to give to another kid (but won’t).

When I read discussions here on DCUM on how one’s DH did not want another but recognized how important it was to their wife and went with it, I feel yet again that I am missing a critical part in my relationship. This what makes me resentful and bitter. I accommodate his career, I live near his family, I live way below our means, and I take over everything to have him go on solo vacations - just some examples - because I love him and want to make him happy. Yet all these compromises are taken for granted and my one big request is denied.

That therapist was frankly crappy. There are actually good ones out there. It's sadly not always easy to find the right one, the first time out, and I hope you won't give up on therapy because of that one terrible therapist. Because you are living with a s**tload of deep resentment over, it seems, more than just wanting another child (witness: the many sacrifices you feel you make for your DH....), and festering resentment is fatal to marriages. I hope you get an outside perspective with more wisdom than "get a dog." How awful of that shrink. But not all are like that.

Thanks. I agree, the shrink was terrible. Do I want to fix how I feel - I am not sure. I’d rather keep in mind that he does not really care about my needs than convince myself otherwise just to be burnt again.

I am not really resentful about making the sacrifices - it’s a part of loving someone. He did not want to compromise on something that he knew was very important to me. His reasons were … unconvincing.