s/o adult children, one with mental challenges

[Anonymous]

Equal. Treat them both the same. My sibling and I will never speak again because of parents playing favorites and you assume the one sibling will give it to the other. My sibling took it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Developmental disabilities are eligible for long term care. Mental illnesses are in a much tougher category for eligibility. If at all possible try and get services from developmental disabilities.

Medicaid and other programs look at the client assets carefully. Talk to a lawyer who understands asset limits for Medicaid, SSI, or SSDI. It can be very different!

Got it on developmental disabilities, but there is no way DC will ever classify for that. I'm fairly versed in these spaces and confident it will not happen nor that DC would ever agree to it.

They don't have to agree, but they may need it one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Developmental disabilities are eligible for long term care. Mental illnesses are in a much tougher category for eligibility. If at all possible try and get services from developmental disabilities.

Medicaid and other programs look at the client assets carefully. Talk to a lawyer who understands asset limits for Medicaid, SSI, or SSDI. It can be very different!

Got it on developmental disabilities, but there is no way DC will ever classify for that. I'm fairly versed in these spaces and confident it will not happen nor that DC would ever agree to it.

They don't have to agree, but they may need it one day.

I get what you are saying yet it would crush our DC, so it’s a no-go zone at this point in time. Am looking into “special needs” trust and how can we do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Equal. Treat them both the same. My sibling and I will never speak again because of parents playing favorites and you assume the one sibling will give it to the other. My sibling took it all.

I am so sorry. How did this come to pass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Don't want the one kid to feel financially responsible for the other..."

This can be a nightmare and I'd not put that burden on the sibling. All that happens is they get thrust into the role of a parent, with an added helping of the challenged sibling's anger and resentment thrown in for good measure.

My parents left money (some in a trust) for my challenged sibling. The small amount of money he had immediately available he blew through in two months' time.

I had to administer the trust. He would frequently call me IRATE that I wouldn't give him "his" money. It was no picnic and it's not a job I'd want any sibling to do for another.
This went on for years. A cloud over MY head - the responsible one.

Then he reached middle age and he was allowed the balance of the trust. He also blew through that in no time.

Now he is elderly and I'm still looking out for him financially. There is not a lot of government help for poor, elderly people so I have wound up subsidizing his basic living expenses - out of my pocket.

If I did not, he would literally be living in a tent at the side of the road.

It is unfortunate your parents set up the trust to give the balance of the trust to your brother at any age. Thanks to my prodding, my middle sister with a mental illness had a special needs trust in place when my parents died. My BIL is working with my oldest sister to only provide her with a set amount every month which supplements her government benefits but does not disqualify her from those benefits. Middle sister is irate at the limitations but has no choice but to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Developmental disabilities are eligible for long term care. Mental illnesses are in a much tougher category for eligibility. If at all possible try and get services from developmental disabilities.

Medicaid and other programs look at the client assets carefully. Talk to a lawyer who understands asset limits for Medicaid, SSI, or SSDI. It can be very different!

Got it on developmental disabilities, but there is no way DC will ever classify for that. I'm fairly versed in these spaces and confident it will not happen nor that DC would ever agree to it.

My sister was able to qualify for SSDI, Medicaid and food stamps based on her mental illness making her unemployable. She hired a lawyer on a contingency basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid with intellectual disability, one with mental health issues and one who gives me no worries. I have done everything in terms of launching them. One will be fine. One is likely to be fine but will blow through every single cent. The third is going to need controls on everything. I’m not dividing equally because equal doesn’t put them in an equal place.

So what are the controls?

Also, do you mind sharing how you are dividing?

It's baked into me to divide equally - my mom's family handled that way and the siblings all had good relations till their deaths. My dad's much less so. His older sister, who always resented that her parents had two more children when she was eight, pried all that she could out of her mother's hands and more. This behavior did bond my father and his one year older sister, but a schism between them and the older sister.

I am the PP to this. I also have a brother who can’t care for himself. My dad died when we were young and my mom had very little. Another brother and I bought the troubled brother a house which he ultimately lost and now that brother takes care of the troubled brother - who is now in his 60s. It never got better. He’s a saint for doing that. I helped buy the house as my last foray before kids and there is a lot of anger toward me by the troubled brother for stepping back but I don’t care. For reasons that don’t matter I think a lot of my troubled brothers issues are of his own making.

As for my kids, I don’t view equal as always giving the same amount of money. My youngest who has no challenges is expensive and will be through college. My definition of equal is giving each of them what they need to be successful in life and so I am spending way more on her now than I did for her brothers. And in death I will give at least one other brothers more because equal means all of them being taken care of when they can’t or aren’t ready to do it themselves.

At this point today, equal means that my middle one is likely to need more of our estate to survive adulthood and my intellectually challenged one is going to need adulting assistance for far longer than most. The latter issue is time and periodic financial bailouts now (though we typically have him move back in with us and fix things himself) and the former is putting aside sufficient assets for my son to live on after we’re gone.

We’re in the process of revising again because our older two are doing better than anticipated. But for now there will have to be a trust and hopefully the youngest will continue to agree that she can handle that responsibility. For now they are really close but during past psychotic breaks the relationship suffered.

None of this is easy. I too appreciate the stories and have my own past experience. But as a parent and a family we are making the best decisions we can under difficult circumstances.

This is not equitable and will cause resentment in your daughter towards the more challenged siblings and you and DH when she has to take on this huge responsibility after you die. Divide the estate equally or leave a legacy of bitterness and conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid with intellectual disability, one with mental health issues and one who gives me no worries. I have done everything in terms of launching them. One will be fine. One is likely to be fine but will blow through every single cent. The third is going to need controls on everything. I’m not dividing equally because equal doesn’t put them in an equal place.

So what are the controls?

Also, do you mind sharing how you are dividing?

It's baked into me to divide equally - my mom's family handled that way and the siblings all had good relations till their deaths. My dad's much less so. His older sister, who always resented that her parents had two more children when she was eight, pried all that she could out of her mother's hands and more. This behavior did bond my father and his one year older sister, but a schism between them and the older sister.

I am the PP to this. I also have a brother who can’t care for himself. My dad died when we were young and my mom had very little. Another brother and I bought the troubled brother a house which he ultimately lost and now that brother takes care of the troubled brother - who is now in his 60s. It never got better. He’s a saint for doing that. I helped buy the house as my last foray before kids and there is a lot of anger toward me by the troubled brother for stepping back but I don’t care. For reasons that don’t matter I think a lot of my troubled brothers issues are of his own making.

As for my kids, I don’t view equal as always giving the same amount of money. My youngest who has no challenges is expensive and will be through college. My definition of equal is giving each of them what they need to be successful in life and so I am spending way more on her now than I did for her brothers. And in death I will give at least one other brothers more because equal means all of them being taken care of when they can’t or aren’t ready to do it themselves.

At this point today, equal means that my middle one is likely to need more of our estate to survive adulthood and my intellectually challenged one is going to need adulting assistance for far longer than most. The latter issue is time and periodic financial bailouts now (though we typically have him move back in with us and fix things himself) and the former is putting aside sufficient assets for my son to live on after we’re gone.

We’re in the process of revising again because our older two are doing better than anticipated. But for now there will have to be a trust and hopefully the youngest will continue to agree that she can handle that responsibility. For now they are really close but during past psychotic breaks the relationship suffered.

None of this is easy. I too appreciate the stories and have my own past experience. But as a parent and a family we are making the best decisions we can under difficult circumstances.

Youngest doesn't know what she is getting into, how would she at her age without experiencing it first-hand? Your "saint" brother has been doing the heavy lifting. My sister is so upset after my mom died two years ago that she has to deal with my difficult sister that it is affecting her marriage and health. She had no idea that it would be so hard. It has affected her and her children's view of my parents.