Sibling rivalry, over CANCER????

[Anonymous]

I am sibling #1 in this scenario. I still feel guilty. Be as gentle as you can with yourself and with both of your siblings. It gets better as time passes - if you are lucky and all three remain cancer free (knock wood, the three of us have) - this drama will dissipate.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she feels like her cancer and genetic diagnose allowed you to catch it sooner. Plus the advancement in treatments help.

I don’t think this is necessarily sibling rivalry. I think she’s being honest with her emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also come from a BRCA family. My mother has never had a mammogram and she is in her 60s, but her brother died from cancer in his 30s and her father died of brain cancer. I only know about the BRCA because my doctor ordered genetic testing when I got sick two years ago and they couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t recovering like I should.

Mother called me a drama queen when I told her I was going through testing with oncology and was given a preliminary clinical diagnosis of early stage lymphoma. She questioned whether my doctors knew what they were talking about and I said I’m finished.

I told her I wasn’t going to tell her about my treatment plan or answer her questions because I can’t deal with her blame game and emotional neediness right now. I told her to call me when she could handle being supportive but if not to leave me alone. I haven’t heard from her since.

Wow!

[Anonymous]

Op I get it. My. Sister is freakishly competitive with everything including illness so I share nothing. Mom makes everything about her and her anxiety. Her “support” is calling so you can try to calm her. I tell her very little. Both are limited. I don’t want to overwhelm friends so I find therapy and support groups helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Competitive cancer within a family. Wow, I guess there's a first for everything.

I have a friend whose dad and sister are like that. They are constantly one-upping each other withwho has it the worst.

Op, step back. Let them have their drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I get it. My. Sister is freakishly competitive with everything including illness so I share nothing. Mom makes everything about her and her anxiety. Her “support” is calling so you can try to calm her. I tell her very little. Both are limited. I don’t want to overwhelm friends so I find therapy and support groups helpful.

I agree with this (I’m the wow story above). I’m not really a support group person but I find getting my mind off of it helps. I only need to know what I need to know at that time. I’m trying to set goals for whatever I can actually handle right now that interests me. I’m also trying to enjoy every day as much as I can with my family who is supportive. I don’t think about the diagnosis constantly.

I’m about to go to a follow up visit this morning and I’m not even feeling nervous anymore. It is what it is, and I’m going to make the best of what time I have left.

[Anonymous]

I had an emergency hyst at age 30 before I even could become a parent. My sister compared it to her c-section. Um no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I’m being treated wait-and-see right now but they plan to do infusions (not chemo- a newer cancer treatment) because I caught it so early, so I’m in a similar boat to you.

I’m sorry you are going through this too. It sucks and it’s even worse when people want to play cancer one-upmanship like it’s some sick competition but you don’t have to put up with that.

Take care and wishes for effective treatment for you.

Infusions is a term that means to put a liquid medication or water in your body through needle in vein. Chemo is done through infusions of slow drip medication or chemo pills. What are they giving you? Maybe a preventative medicine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're a BRCA family, and I'm the third sibling to be diagnosed with cancer
The first sibling was diagnosed 14 yrs ago, had pretty radical surgery, chemo, the works, a rough time
Second sibling, got diagnosed 5 months ago, had surgery only, and is still in watch mode
Now I've been diagnosed last month and have surgery coming up, to be followed by oral medicine but not chemo
Sibling #1 seems almost snippy that I won't have to get chemo. I don't know how to explain it, just multiple remarks that maybe that sibling could have avoided chemo too if more modern options were out there.
Sibling #2's spouse seems upset too, like I timed my diagnosis to eclipse #2's attention, sibling #2 seems fairly normal for someone coping with crap/healing issues
I feel like shutting down the flow of info, like I can't really talk to the siblings who have gone through it/currently dealing with cancer, like it's upsetting sibling #1 in a PTSD kind of way
Should I just step back from both? WWYD

OP, I'm sorry for your diagnosis.

I'd like to gently suggest that a lot of this might be your perception, in a difficult time, and not really anything intentional or wrong that your family is doing. You didn't give anything specific on what people have said or done, other than a benign comment about medicine advancing.

Unless there is other complicating history or dynamics in your family, I would encourage you to just change the way you are thinking about this. It may not be "sibling rivalry" so much as it is commiseration over shared experiences and noting the differences in those experiences. Think of it like a formal support group- for cancer or anything else. People have some things in common but there are differences in experiences and emotions that are discussed.

No need to gaslight OP and try to make her think she's imagining things.

OP, I get similar stuff from my family. For instance when I was having my first baby, my OB sent me to the hospital to be induced. I called my mom because she wanted to drive up to meet her first grandbaby. When I got to the hospital they decided to send me home and not induce me. I called my mom right away and said false alarm. She was furious with me, like I had done something to her. It was bizarre as she had only driven about 15 minutes from home. She then chewed me out extensively, even though the whole medical issue i was having was high blood pressure and the doctors had asked me to take it easy. She knew that and still kept yelling at me. It made absolutely no sense, just like it makes no sense that your sibling is snippy that you don't need chemo.

I've put a lot of distance between myself and my family because of this sort of stuff. I don't feel safe telling them stuff as I never know how they'll react. I don't feel I can rely on them. There's just too much family baggage, including a ton of sibling rivalry, for them to treat me objectively, let alone in a loving way. It really hurts, but that's where they are and I just continue to get hurt if I expect their love and support.

Goodness, I was not gaslighting.

I was offering an alternative way to think about/frame the situation that OP could choose to take. It was intended to be helpful.
It is often a good idea to mentally take a step back, objectively observe what is happening, remove the characterization/judgment, and decide how to proceed. We do in fact have control over over how we think about and perceive things.

If rather OP would like to continue to negatively characterize what her family is doing and commiserate with others that have had negative interactions/perceptions of her family, she is free to do that. But I'm not sure how it helps anything. Though it could be a helpful distraction...

I agree. it’s better to not assume there was any negativity meant. If you’re not sure then ask. You’re better off with family support. Don’t try and second guess comments and dwell on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I’m being treated wait-and-see right now but they plan to do infusions (not chemo- a newer cancer treatment) because I caught it so early, so I’m in a similar boat to you.

I’m sorry you are going through this too. It sucks and it’s even worse when people want to play cancer one-upmanship like it’s some sick competition but you don’t have to put up with that.

Take care and wishes for effective treatment for you.

Infusions is a term that means to put a liquid medication or water in your body through needle in vein. Chemo is done through infusions of slow drip medication or chemo pills. What are they giving you? Maybe a preventative medicine?

Not every cancer drug for every type of cancer is chemo. Google is your friend.

[Anonymous]

My sister is like this. She seemed disappointed my last scan came back all clear.

Misery loves company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I’m being treated wait-and-see right now but they plan to do infusions (not chemo- a newer cancer treatment) because I caught it so early, so I’m in a similar boat to you.

I’m sorry you are going through this too. It sucks and it’s even worse when people want to play cancer one-upmanship like it’s some sick competition but you don’t have to put up with that.

Take care and wishes for effective treatment for you.

Infusions is a term that means to put a liquid medication or water in your body through needle in vein. Chemo is done through infusions of slow drip medication or chemo pills. What are they giving you? Maybe a preventative medicine?

Not every cancer drug for every type of cancer is chemo. Google is your friend.

Unrelated to my question. Infusions of what? What is being infused into your body?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an emergency hyst at age 30 before I even could become a parent. My sister compared it to her c-section. Um no

That was really insensitive of your sister. Did you let her know how upset you were? You should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I’m being treated wait-and-see right now but they plan to do infusions (not chemo- a newer cancer treatment) because I caught it so early, so I’m in a similar boat to you.

I’m sorry you are going through this too. It sucks and it’s even worse when people want to play cancer one-upmanship like it’s some sick competition but you don’t have to put up with that.

Take care and wishes for effective treatment for you.

Infusions is a term that means to put a liquid medication or water in your body through needle in vein. Chemo is done through infusions of slow drip medication or chemo pills. What are they giving you? Maybe a preventative medicine?

Not every cancer drug for every type of cancer is chemo. Google is your friend.

Unrelated to my question. Infusions of what? What is being infused into your body?

I’m an NP, but many cancers are now being treated via immunotherapy drugs (via infusions) which is targeted at the specific cancer cells. It’s much more tolerable than traditional chemotherapy which attacks all rapidly dividing cells throughout one’s body, cancer or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I’m being treated wait-and-see right now but they plan to do infusions (not chemo- a newer cancer treatment) because I caught it so early, so I’m in a similar boat to you.

I’m sorry you are going through this too. It sucks and it’s even worse when people want to play cancer one-upmanship like it’s some sick competition but you don’t have to put up with that.

Take care and wishes for effective treatment for you.

Infusions is a term that means to put a liquid medication or water in your body through needle in vein. Chemo is done through infusions of slow drip medication or chemo pills. What are they giving you? Maybe a preventative medicine?

Not every cancer drug for every type of cancer is chemo. Google is your friend.

Unrelated to my question. Infusions of what? What is being infused into your body?

Google: Cancer drugs infusions.

PP has to be a Boomer if they can’t figure this out themselves…