Compassion fatigue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of just there. Wanting my attention all day. I work from home.

She needs something to do. Can she help around the house, garden, knit for charity, write letters ...?

Well my mother was doing this living independently and it turned into work and stress for me. Over the course of her worst year she complained her hands were not steady for writing and every time she used the computer there was some issue.She forgot about bugspray for gardening and would get all sorts of bites, culminating in the one day have the dreaded bullseye from a tick bite. Ticks are out of control in this area. She created a small fire "cooking." She refused to have a companion who might gently remind her of things and supervise. If I allowed mom to "help around the house" in my own home on her own I would have lost my mind trying to get any work done.

Your experience is a sounding a lot like mine. Taking my elderly parent to daycare - was hours of work for me. She didn't want to go, getting her dressed and out of the house was similar to the battles I had with my 4 year old. I was so exhausted from the effort - I was useless at my job, just as I would start to feel relaxed I'd have to go pick her up. I think what I am discovering is that it's the round the clock being on. It's not that my mom needs 24/7 care, but she needs me for everything so I'm always on call. It's very hard to settle down or relax. We have tried bringing in care in the house to help entertain her - but again I have to be home to make it work, she doesn't engagement with them, won't do the exercises with them, it ends up being more work for me. I have tried leaving the house during their stay so I'm not part of the equation and I just get a mixed report that it feels like a waste of money. Like you hav lost my compassion and interest in trying to create a positive environment. I'm done.

[Anonymous]

Sounds exhausting, don't really have advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, I can't talk her into daycare. I'm exhausted. I've been doing this too long and hate that I can't find the compassion anymore.

My parent wouldn't go either. We worked with the head of the adultcare. First, you say, we are just going for lunch. Lie and say you will be getting lots of repairs and she cannot be in the house do to dust and toxins. See if the head and match her up for lunch with some people she might like. Then, you might say that you are getting repairs on X day and have her spend the day. My parent who refused to go, was hostile and negative, would not want to leave at pick up and was much happier in the evening after the social stimulation.

+1
Just sign her up for a trial run at an adult day program (where do you live) or a senior center depending on what she needs and just make a reason like what this poster said. Do not give her the option of not going.
Here are some examples in Fairfax
Senior Center - https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/neighborhood-community-services/james-lee-senior-center/location

Adult day
https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/neighborhood-community-services/james-lee-senior-center/location

Maybe start with those. Otherwise don’t feel bad about maybe thinking about other living arrangements. GL!

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice other than what people have already posted, but wow, OP, you are doing a lot, and it sounds like "a lot" has become "too much."

I hope some of these suggestions work, and soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kind of just there. Wanting my attention all day. I work from home.

Maybe you could say, "Mom, my boss' rules says I have to be alone in the house when I work. We're going to try (this adult day program) so I can keep my job." That way, you're putting the 'blame' on that instead of her being there. But present it as what IS going to happen, not as an option for her.

I also think AL is a good idea but I know that's not possible for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all the responses. I feel guilty not keeping her with us and moving her to AL. But I really am exhausted am so tired and yes resentful. I met with a therapist the week (new one) and he made a comment that both thoughts can live together - I don't want her to go to AL and that she needs to go to AL for the good of everyone.

My parent made no plans. They just didn't care to plan. Just spent $$ and figured we (all 4 kids) would all take care of them. That never happens. And the damage to sibling relationships is real.

Lesson learned - plan, don't make your kids carry you and your decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all the responses. I feel guilty not keeping her with us and moving her to AL. But I really am exhausted am so tired and yes resentful. I met with a therapist the week (new one) and he made a comment that both thoughts can live together - I don't want her to go to AL and that she needs to go to AL for the good of everyone.

My parent made no plans. They just didn't care to plan. Just spent $$ and figured we (all 4 kids) would all take care of them. That never happens. And the damage to sibling relationships is real.

Lesson learned - plan, don't make your kids carry you and your decisions.

Of course it happens. It doesn't mean it is the best options but it does happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope for your sake that you are able to get your mom into AL. She will complain and you will feel guilty. But it is what it is. Many people are living much longer now than earlier generations--well into their own children's senior years. It simply is not tenable for everyone to host/take care of their elderly parents in their own home for years.

My own MIL is 93 and is cared for in her own home by her 3 daughters--the two sons help when the daughters go on vacation. MIL refused part-time help/aides or the idea of moving into AL. One daughter commutes from 5 states away to care for her several days a week and another lives with MIL in her home. Daughters are in their 60s, still working, and have been caring for both MIL and FIL (who lived until 90) for over a decade. The third daughter puts in her "shift" on weekends but is never acknowledged by my MIL. Conveniently for my MIL, her daughter are unmarried and can be at her beck and call without the constraint of having their own families. My MIL was complaining to me the other day that the daughter who lives with her is "on the phone all day" and that she only gets to talk with someone when the other daughter who commutes 500+ miles is in town. The daughter who lives with her is "on the phone all day" because she is working. She has a lovely home of her own a few miles away that she hasn't slept in for over 3 years. She will never hear "thank you" from her mother. My MIL lives for when the other daughter is in town because she doesn't have to work when she's there and can cater to MIL's every whim.

A friend moved in with her mom (who is (90+) 3 years ago when her dad died at 90. She basically abandoned her own home and husband. Her mother refuses to have anyone come in to help out or to go to AL even though the family has resources to pay for it.

Basically, there are far too many older seniors who have made zero plans for their advanced old age, don't want change, want to be taken care of in their own home by their own kids, and don't consider the cost to anyone else. This is a growing problem and we're not dealing with it effectively enough as a society.

I was lucky that my own parent agreed to go to AL when it started becoming too unsafe for him to live alone. I continued to provide hours of daily support (companionship, taking him to medical appointments, dealing with the AL facility, etc.) but at least I could retreat to my own home at the end of the day. You don't have that option.

All of this is to tell you that you are not a bad daughter for not wanting to host your mom in your home anymore. It's too much to ask--especially when the situation can last many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope for your sake that you are able to get your mom into AL. She will complain and you will feel guilty. But it is what it is. Many people are living much longer now than earlier generations--well into their own children's senior years. It simply is not tenable for everyone to host/take care of their elderly parents in their own home for years.

My own MIL is 93 and is cared for in her own home by her 3 daughters--the two sons help when the daughters go on vacation. MIL refused part-time help/aides or the idea of moving into AL. One daughter commutes from 5 states away to care for her several days a week and another lives with MIL in her home. Daughters are in their 60s, still working, and have been caring for both MIL and FIL (who lived until 90) for over a decade. The third daughter puts in her "shift" on weekends but is never acknowledged by my MIL. Conveniently for my MIL, her daughter are unmarried and can be at her beck and call without the constraint of having their own families. My MIL was complaining to me the other day that the daughter who lives with her is "on the phone all day" and that she only gets to talk with someone when the other daughter who commutes 500+ miles is in town. The daughter who lives with her is "on the phone all day" because she is working. She has a lovely home of her own a few miles away that she hasn't slept in for over 3 years. She will never hear "thank you" from her mother. My MIL lives for when the other daughter is in town because she doesn't have to work when she's there and can cater to MIL's every whim.

A friend moved in with her mom (who is (90+) 3 years ago when her dad died at 90. She basically abandoned her own home and husband. Her mother refuses to have anyone come in to help out or to go to AL even though the family has resources to pay for it.

Basically, there are far too many older seniors who have made zero plans for their advanced old age, don't want change, want to be taken care of in their own home by their own kids, and don't consider the cost to anyone else. This is a growing problem and we're not dealing with it effectively enough as a society.

I was lucky that my own parent agreed to go to AL when it started becoming too unsafe for him to live alone. I continued to provide hours of daily support (companionship, taking him to medical appointments, dealing with the AL facility, etc.) but at least I could retreat to my own home at the end of the day. You don't have that option.

All of this is to tell you that you are not a bad daughter for not wanting to host your mom in your home anymore. It's too much to ask--especially when the situation can last many years.

Not OP but thank you for this post and everyone else's as well. The guilt I feel for not caring for my mom in the way society expects and her own personally expectations has been eating away at me. Its a lose-lose situation. And even with mini-breaks with the help of other family members I never get time off from my feelings and thoughts related to her care. Its all encompassing to be the primary caregiver in your house. Therapy has helped but the reality is I don't know if I can ever get the years I have committed to this back - I have missed so much time with my husband, my kids, my siblings. And the time with my mother has not been a pleasant experience. All of this is to say - hang in there OP. I did find support groups useful for exchanging thoughts and ideas but at the end of the day...I still have to be on call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all the responses. I feel guilty not keeping her with us and moving her to AL. But I really am exhausted am so tired and yes resentful. I met with a therapist the week (new one) and he made a comment that both thoughts can live together - I don't want her to go to AL and that she needs to go to AL for the good of everyone.

My parent made no plans. They just didn't care to plan. Just spent $$ and figured we (all 4 kids) would all take care of them. That never happens. And the damage to sibling relationships is real.

Lesson learned - plan, don't make your kids carry you and your decisions.

Of course it happens. It doesn't mean it is the best options but it does happen.

NP and about the bolded- realistically, all 4 adult children won’t help equally and equitably - this is impossible and infeasible.

And so the above theory can ruin sibling relationships- who did/visited/spent more, etc.

I urge adult siblings to extend grace to each other and keep in constant communication with each other. Divvy up the workload - take turns or assign weeks on and off if you can.

Maybe the local daughter needs a break. Maybe the furthest away sibling can handle all admin type tasks remotely (scheduling medical appointments, making follow up calls) while another sibling can visit the parent(s) for fresh perspective.

I have many more ideas - navigated all with my 3 siblings. Parents now both deceased.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if this will help, probably not, but my mom got her mom, who was lovely and and Alzheimers, to go to adult day care (which was a godsend) by presenting it as a volunteer opportunity; she would be showing the other people how to do things. It worked! My grandmother was a caregiver, so this volunteer idea played into her personality. I’m not sure if you could find a similar hook to get your mom to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking care of both parents for almost 15 years, but at a distance (I would go on weekends). Dad died in 2020 then Mom moved in. I’m exhausted. My tank is empty. I hate sending her to assisted living, but I think my health, Mental and physical, is impacted. She doesn’t want to go, but I need a break. Siblings are not helping at all.

I hate that my parents had no plan. Hate that she just sits in my house all day. I’m so done.

She might actually enjoy it. There are activities and other people to socialize with. Don’t feel bad about it.