Inheritance when one child has kids, the other does not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming we are talking about a sizeable sum here - open and fully fund grandkids' college funds.

Then divide what remains evenly between children.

Nope…give each kid the same regardless
Of children.

Since most adults will pay for their kids’ college, this is just indirectly giving one adult child hundreds of thousands of dollars more.

Fund the grandkids to pass $$&s when alive but reduce what the adult child by same amount.

I would be so upset if my inheritance was lowered because I had more kids than my sibling. My sibling sees my parents every other year. Im here with them daily. My kids help them out a lot too- weeding, cleaning plus my kids spend a lot of time with them. I don’t think my kids deserve an inheritance but don’t think that grandparents get nothing out of grandkids. I think my kids are my parents purpose for living and their lives wouldn’t have been complete. Why should my inheritance be reduced?

It is 100% okay to give different amounts!

For example:

My sibling is always "too busy" to help with anything with the parents. We both are a plane ride away. Sibling has not seen parents in 9 years. Only ever saw them prior to that because I paid for their airfare (and neice) to visit us when parents were with us. During major medical issues, sibling refused to come and help (had no real reason not to come, they had no work at that time-ssmmer vacation, and I was willing to pay all expenses, it was just them giving their time)

Meanwhile, I help parents with everything (even from a distance), visit a few times per year, helped get them into a CCRC (Paid entry fee), am their POA and executor of the wills, etc.

When parents die, I will get repaid for the CCRC entry fee, essentially leaving little to nothing for sibling to inherit. I don't need it, but will take it because sibling is ungrateful and unhelpful. Parents don't really care if they give sibling much.

In reality, I'm the sibling who has helped parents for the last 25+ years with time and energy. So it's not far fetched to understand that parents want to leave more to me.

Two minds here:

One - your parents should pay you back for the CCRC entry fee. I've told a friend that she needs to document every time she pays her mom's taxes in order to recoup anything from the estate if possible. The two other sisters are not contributing towards these expenses - they just can't. But she should try to figure out how she can be made as whole as possible in the most transparent way possible. So, make it as transparent as possible. You and your sis may have troubles, but minimize the unnecessary ones. My paternal aunt took nearly everything when my dad's mom died. She claimed she had been the one who covered everything. It burned my parents because she had been left the much larger parcel of land and my parents had also given my dad's mom a lot of money from their wedding as his mom was a recent widow. My aunt wouldn't take any of this into account and their relationship never recovered.

Two - DH graduated from college 2 years after older sister, who spent a lot of time traveling over the eight years after she graduated from college. She and her BF, now husband, would work jobs, save their money, then take off on 2-3 month trips every year. Then for the next ten years she started her family and did not work outside the home. DH started working the fall after college graduation and has been working ever since. He has been more financially successful than she has since college graduation. And he began saving from when he first graduated at 22. Part of him thinks his financial success should be taken into account. BUT if he ends up covering the majority of his parents' expenses, he is not totally sold that she should inherit whatever assets remain and he should get little to none. As he says, "She chose not to save money for her own retirement for eight years. She wasn't working in a lower paid profession. She wasn't a SAHM. She worked jobs, quit them, and then took the 2-5K to take big trips. Why is that getting rewarded?"

Yes, my parents updated their wills to reflect that I get paid back the CCRC entry fee. So that comes just after all other outstanding debt (CC for that month, etc). I'm actually getting it with "interest" as you have to include some when you give/loan the money. As it stands now, the sibling will likely not get anything. I made sure my parents explained that to the sibling, so there is no shock. Sibling wasn't happy, but then again, sibling never is and is always about "you need to help me because I don't make as much". And sibling has made so many bad choices in life and never learns to manage finances so it's their own fault if they have a rough retirement.

Now sibling could use the money way more than me---I don't need it at all. But sibling isn't entitled to anything when they don't wish to help at all. Both myself, my spouse and my parents are sick of that. If we see the sibling we have always paid for everything. And as I said, sibling has not visited parents in 8-9 years. Yet finds time and money to travel to see boyfriends family. So the end result is yes, parents get to decide how to give their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Equally to each kid. Otherwise, in except for rare circumstances, there will be issues.

Agree. My mom died 10 years ago. Dividing up assets is so hard. 50/50 and leave no questions. Don’t assume anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming we are talking about a sizeable sum here - open and fully fund grandkids' college funds.

Then divide what remains evenly between children.

Nope…give each kid the same regardless
Of children.

Since most adults will pay for their kids’ college, this is just indirectly giving one adult child hundreds of thousands of dollars more.

Fund the grandkids to pass $$&s when alive but reduce what the adult child by same amount.

I would be so upset if my inheritance was lowered because I had more kids than my sibling. My sibling sees my parents every other year. Im here with them daily. My kids help them out a lot too- weeding, cleaning plus my kids spend a lot of time with them. I don’t think my kids deserve an inheritance but don’t think that grandparents get nothing out of grandkids. I think my kids are my parents purpose for living and their lives wouldn’t have been complete. Why should my inheritance be reduced?

It is 100% okay to give different amounts!

For example:

My sibling is always "too busy" to help with anything with the parents. We both are a plane ride away. Sibling has not seen parents in 9 years. Only ever saw them prior to that because I paid for their airfare (and neice) to visit us when parents were with us. During major medical issues, sibling refused to come and help (had no real reason not to come, they had no work at that time-ssmmer vacation, and I was willing to pay all expenses, it was just them giving their time)

Meanwhile, I help parents with everything (even from a distance), visit a few times per year, helped get them into a CCRC (Paid entry fee), am their POA and executor of the wills, etc.

When parents die, I will get repaid for the CCRC entry fee, essentially leaving little to nothing for sibling to inherit. I don't need it, but will take it because sibling is ungrateful and unhelpful. Parents don't really care if they give sibling much.

In reality, I'm the sibling who has helped parents for the last 25+ years with time and energy. So it's not far fetched to understand that parents want to leave more to me.

Two minds here:

One - your parents should pay you back for the CCRC entry fee. I've told a friend that she needs to document every time she pays her mom's taxes in order to recoup anything from the estate if possible. The two other sisters are not contributing towards these expenses - they just can't. But she should try to figure out how she can be made as whole as possible in the most transparent way possible. So, make it as transparent as possible. You and your sis may have troubles, but minimize the unnecessary ones. My paternal aunt took nearly everything when my dad's mom died. She claimed she had been the one who covered everything. It burned my parents because she had been left the much larger parcel of land and my parents had also given my dad's mom a lot of money from their wedding as his mom was a recent widow. My aunt wouldn't take any of this into account and their relationship never recovered.

Two - DH graduated from college 2 years after older sister, who spent a lot of time traveling over the eight years after she graduated from college. She and her BF, now husband, would work jobs, save their money, then take off on 2-3 month trips every year. Then for the next ten years she started her family and did not work outside the home. DH started working the fall after college graduation and has been working ever since. He has been more financially successful than she has since college graduation. And he began saving from when he first graduated at 22. Part of him thinks his financial success should be taken into account. BUT if he ends up covering the majority of his parents' expenses, he is not totally sold that she should inherit whatever assets remain and he should get little to none. As he says, "She chose not to save money for her own retirement for eight years. She wasn't working in a lower paid profession. She wasn't a SAHM. She worked jobs, quit them, and then took the 2-5K to take big trips. Why is that getting rewarded?"

Yes, my parents updated their wills to reflect that I get paid back the CCRC entry fee. So that comes just after all other outstanding debt (CC for that month, etc). I'm actually getting it with "interest" as you have to include some when you give/loan the money. As it stands now, the sibling will likely not get anything. I made sure my parents explained that to the sibling, so there is no shock. Sibling wasn't happy, but then again, sibling never is and is always about "you need to help me because I don't make as much". And sibling has made so many bad choices in life and never learns to manage finances so it's their own fault if they have a rough retirement.

Now sibling could use the money way more than me---I don't need it at all. But sibling isn't entitled to anything when they don't wish to help at all. Both myself, my spouse and my parents are sick of that. If we see the sibling we have always paid for everything. And as I said, sibling has not visited parents in 8-9 years. Yet finds time and money to travel to see boyfriends family. So the end result is yes, parents get to decide how to give their money.

And yes, your DH should not be punished for living responsibly. It's similar to my sibling. Who always overspends (doesn't live within means), and just has excuses for "I must spend on that". Your DH is entitled to his 50%, as it's not his fault his sister made choices not to be financially responsible. In my case, the sibling's kid got college paid for by me and money left from a grandparent (we tossed in our kids part as we didn't need it). Yet the neice never thanked any of us for paying. So it's a history of entitlement and feeling they can live how ever they want and someone will bail them out. Sad fact is they are learning, nope we will not do that any longer. You made choices now you get to live with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow. These posts that essentially shut out childless people are shocking to me. Our family is our family and we treat and view our kids the same, whether they had children or not.

So let's see. Suppose you had two kids, a son and a daughter. Son spent their whole life building their career, so by the age of say 50, they're a high paid professional with their own house, significant retirement savings etc. that a long career provides. Daughter on the other hand had 3 kids over the span of 20 years, was a SAHM or had to take a break in her career, lowering her earning potential and retirement savings considerably. And perhaps surprise, surprise, at age 50 her DH decided to go on a second round. Which one of them has more material wealth in your opinion by age 50 and which one actually needs help? There is no such thing as distributing your wealth 50/50 in unequal circumstances and considering this "treating kids the same".

I would say supposedly the 50 percent she got would help and get her set up. Why punish someone for having a career? Maybe he wanted kids and it never worked out?

[Anonymous]

Also - just something that bothers me that I would never say out loud.

My sister had kids before me. Grampa finds 529 annually. Her kids are grown and have college paid for.

My kids are still young so 529 are small. He will die before fully funding them.

Nothing is fair. It seems fair I am sure - give each kid $1000 per year. But the amount over time will differ.

I’d totally give the same amount to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming we are talking about a sizeable sum here - open and fully fund grandkids' college funds.

Then divide what remains evenly between children.

Nope…give each kid the same regardless
Of children.

Since most adults will pay for their kids’ college, this is just indirectly giving one adult child hundreds of thousands of dollars more.

Fund the grandkids to pass $$&s when alive but reduce what the adult child by same amount.

I would be so upset if my inheritance was lowered because I had more kids than my sibling. My sibling sees my parents every other year. Im here with them daily. My kids help them out a lot too- weeding, cleaning plus my kids spend a lot of time with them. I don’t think my kids deserve an inheritance but don’t think that grandparents get nothing out of grandkids. I think my kids are my parents purpose for living and their lives wouldn’t have been complete. Why should my inheritance be reduced?

It is 100% okay to give different amounts!

For example:

My sibling is always "too busy" to help with anything with the parents. We both are a plane ride away. Sibling has not seen parents in 9 years. Only ever saw them prior to that because I paid for their airfare (and neice) to visit us when parents were with us. During major medical issues, sibling refused to come and help (had no real reason not to come, they had no work at that time-ssmmer vacation, and I was willing to pay all expenses, it was just them giving their time)

Meanwhile, I help parents with everything (even from a distance), visit a few times per year, helped get them into a CCRC (Paid entry fee), am their POA and executor of the wills, etc.

When parents die, I will get repaid for the CCRC entry fee, essentially leaving little to nothing for sibling to inherit. I don't need it, but will take it because sibling is ungrateful and unhelpful. Parents don't really care if they give sibling much.

In reality, I'm the sibling who has helped parents for the last 25+ years with time and energy. So it's not far fetched to understand that parents want to leave more to me.

Two minds here:

One - your parents should pay you back for the CCRC entry fee. I've told a friend that she needs to document every time she pays her mom's taxes in order to recoup anything from the estate if possible. The two other sisters are not contributing towards these expenses - they just can't. But she should try to figure out how she can be made as whole as possible in the most transparent way possible. So, make it as transparent as possible. You and your sis may have troubles, but minimize the unnecessary ones. My paternal aunt took nearly everything when my dad's mom died. She claimed she had been the one who covered everything. It burned my parents because she had been left the much larger parcel of land and my parents had also given my dad's mom a lot of money from their wedding as his mom was a recent widow. My aunt wouldn't take any of this into account and their relationship never recovered.

Two - DH graduated from college 2 years after older sister, who spent a lot of time traveling over the eight years after she graduated from college. She and her BF, now husband, would work jobs, save their money, then take off on 2-3 month trips every year. Then for the next ten years she started her family and did not work outside the home. DH started working the fall after college graduation and has been working ever since. He has been more financially successful than she has since college graduation. And he began saving from when he first graduated at 22. Part of him thinks his financial success should be taken into account. BUT if he ends up covering the majority of his parents' expenses, he is not totally sold that she should inherit whatever assets remain and he should get little to none. As he says, "She chose not to save money for her own retirement for eight years. She wasn't working in a lower paid profession. She wasn't a SAHM. She worked jobs, quit them, and then took the 2-5K to take big trips. Why is that getting rewarded?"

Yes, my parents updated their wills to reflect that I get paid back the CCRC entry fee. So that comes just after all other outstanding debt (CC for that month, etc). I'm actually getting it with "interest" as you have to include some when you give/loan the money. As it stands now, the sibling will likely not get anything. I made sure my parents explained that to the sibling, so there is no shock. Sibling wasn't happy, but then again, sibling never is and is always about "you need to help me because I don't make as much". And sibling has made so many bad choices in life and never learns to manage finances so it's their own fault if they have a rough retirement.

Now sibling could use the money way more than me---I don't need it at all. But sibling isn't entitled to anything when they don't wish to help at all. Both myself, my spouse and my parents are sick of that. If we see the sibling we have always paid for everything. And as I said, sibling has not visited parents in 8-9 years. Yet finds time and money to travel to see boyfriends family. So the end result is yes, parents get to decide how to give their money.

And yes, your DH should not be punished for living responsibly. It's similar to my sibling. Who always overspends (doesn't live within means), and just has excuses for "I must spend on that". Your DH is entitled to his 50%, as it's not his fault his sister made choices not to be financially responsible. In my case, the sibling's kid got college paid for by me and money left from a grandparent (we tossed in our kids part as we didn't need it). Yet the neice never thanked any of us for paying. So it's a history of entitlement and feeling they can live how ever they want and someone will bail them out. Sad fact is they are learning, nope we will not do that any longer. You made choices now you get to live with it.

I would say that SiL became more realistic over time - e.g., she eventually accepted her parents were not going to buy her a weekend home outside of Boston, so they could remain in their small apartment in a fab location. Many of her friends had such arrangements with their parents and she assumed she would one day too. When they finally moved to a more remote location, their parents then helped with the down payment, but they didn't buy it outright.

So she became more provident over time, yet they are not in a position to ever help out their parents given that they did not start saving for retirement until mid-30s (and not robustly). IDK if DH has a figure in his mind that he thinks is fair, though I doubt he would ever say anything to his parents.

[Anonymous]

"Also - just something that bothers me that I would never say out loud.

My sister had kids before me. Grampa finds 529 annually. Her kids are grown and have college paid for.

My kids are still young so 529 are small. He will die before fully funding them.

Nothing is fair. It seems fair I am sure - give each kid $1000 per year. But the amount over time will differ.

I’d totally give the same amount to everyone."

I agree completely!

[Anonymous]

Definitely give each child the same amount, or they may end up resenting you and likely each other.

[Anonymous]

If you want to give to your children and your grandchildren, I’d look at the pot of money you have to leave, decide what you want to leave to your grandchildren and then divide the remaining money between your two children.

[Anonymous]

What do you do when there is a family home that nobody can afford to buy out the other 3 siblings, yet you don't want to sell it to a stranger? Asking for a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when there is a family home that nobody can afford to buy out the other 3 siblings, yet you don't want to sell it to a stranger? Asking for a friend.

My cousin bought out the family farm from his 5 aunts. He made regular payments to them till it was paid off. While my parents really could’ve used a large lump sum, everyone wanted to keep the farm in the family so that’s what they did.

Your siblings may not be in a position to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming we are talking about a sizeable sum here - open and fully fund grandkids' college funds.

Then divide what remains evenly between children.

Nope…give each kid the same regardless
Of children.

Since most adults will pay for their kids’ college, this is just indirectly giving one adult child hundreds of thousands of dollars more.

Fund the grandkids to pass $$&s when alive but reduce what the adult child by same amount.

I would be so upset if my inheritance was lowered because I had more kids than my sibling. My sibling sees my parents every other year. Im here with them daily. My kids help them out a lot too- weeding, cleaning plus my kids spend a lot of time with them. I don’t think my kids deserve an inheritance but don’t think that grandparents get nothing out of grandkids. I think my kids are my parents purpose for living and their lives wouldn’t have been complete. Why should my inheritance be reduced?

It is 100% okay to give different amounts!

For example:

My sibling is always "too busy" to help with anything with the parents. We both are a plane ride away. Sibling has not seen parents in 9 years. Only ever saw them prior to that because I paid for their airfare (and neice) to visit us when parents were with us. During major medical issues, sibling refused to come and help (had no real reason not to come, they had no work at that time-ssmmer vacation, and I was willing to pay all expenses, it was just them giving their time)

Meanwhile, I help parents with everything (even from a distance), visit a few times per year, helped get them into a CCRC (Paid entry fee), am their POA and executor of the wills, etc.

When parents die, I will get repaid for the CCRC entry fee, essentially leaving little to nothing for sibling to inherit. I don't need it, but will take it because sibling is ungrateful and unhelpful. Parents don't really care if they give sibling much.

In reality, I'm the sibling who has helped parents for the last 25+ years with time and energy. So it's not far fetched to understand that parents want to leave more to me.

Two minds here:

One - your parents should pay you back for the CCRC entry fee. I've told a friend that she needs to document every time she pays her mom's taxes in order to recoup anything from the estate if possible. The two other sisters are not contributing towards these expenses - they just can't. But she should try to figure out how she can be made as whole as possible in the most transparent way possible. So, make it as transparent as possible. You and your sis may have troubles, but minimize the unnecessary ones. My paternal aunt took nearly everything when my dad's mom died. She claimed she had been the one who covered everything. It burned my parents because she had been left the much larger parcel of land and my parents had also given my dad's mom a lot of money from their wedding as his mom was a recent widow. My aunt wouldn't take any of this into account and their relationship never recovered.

Two - DH graduated from college 2 years after older sister, who spent a lot of time traveling over the eight years after she graduated from college. She and her BF, now husband, would work jobs, save their money, then take off on 2-3 month trips every year. Then for the next ten years she started her family and did not work outside the home. DH started working the fall after college graduation and has been working ever since. He has been more financially successful than she has since college graduation. And he began saving from when he first graduated at 22. Part of him thinks his financial success should be taken into account. BUT if he ends up covering the majority of his parents' expenses, he is not totally sold that she should inherit whatever assets remain and he should get little to none. As he says, "She chose not to save money for her own retirement for eight years. She wasn't working in a lower paid profession. She wasn't a SAHM. She worked jobs, quit them, and then took the 2-5K to take big trips. Why is that getting rewarded?"

Yes, my parents updated their wills to reflect that I get paid back the CCRC entry fee. So that comes just after all other outstanding debt (CC for that month, etc). I'm actually getting it with "interest" as you have to include some when you give/loan the money. As it stands now, the sibling will likely not get anything. I made sure my parents explained that to the sibling, so there is no shock. Sibling wasn't happy, but then again, sibling never is and is always about "you need to help me because I don't make as much". And sibling has made so many bad choices in life and never learns to manage finances so it's their own fault if they have a rough retirement.

Now sibling could use the money way more than me---I don't need it at all. But sibling isn't entitled to anything when they don't wish to help at all. Both myself, my spouse and my parents are sick of that. If we see the sibling we have always paid for everything. And as I said, sibling has not visited parents in 8-9 years. Yet finds time and money to travel to see boyfriends family. So the end result is yes, parents get to decide how to give their money.

This makes no sense to live in a community to pay an entrance fee. There are plenty of communities that have no fee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when there is a family home that nobody can afford to buy out the other 3 siblings, yet you don't want to sell it to a stranger? Asking for a friend.

Then, they need to sell. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when there is a family home that nobody can afford to buy out the other 3 siblings, yet you don't want to sell it to a stranger? Asking for a friend.

OK.

We have multiple homes, so our plan is distribute one to each. They aren't all the same value so that would be reflected in other distributions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when there is a family home that nobody can afford to buy out the other 3 siblings, yet you don't want to sell it to a stranger? Asking for a friend.

OK.

We have multiple homes, so our plan is distribute one to each. They aren't all the same value so that would be reflected in other distributions.

But how should the PP handle?