Issue

[Anonymous]

Okay, let me start by saying that this is a big deal with us. We have a 17 YO DD who is going off to college next year, we will be paying for the majority of it (not 100%, but we have the money and we think that it is worth it, this isn't a debate over whether or not we should! Don't make it one). Now, she is not a great student, think a GPA of around a 3.0, so we knew Ivys were WAY out of the question, and in fact, she had found a university that she really likes (bigger, 'anonymous-feeling', urban school where one of her friends goes), she had gotten in (it wasn't a stretch school, lets just say), and we had pretty much said that she would go there. She was set on this. It is a school with a reputation of being a bit mediocre, and not an amazing school (not like awful, just the typical big non-state name public university), but on the good side we could afford it reasonably, and she liked it.

Now, your probably asking what the issue is. The thing is that just yesterday we got a acceptance letter to college B. This is a better known private university, small, more suburban, and very much more personal. It was one of those places that we as the parents put on the list as a stretch school and really didn't expect her to get into (plus she wasn't all that excited about it anyway). Normally, it would be overbudget, but here is where the real crux of the issue lies: They gave my daughter a scholarship (supposedly for academics-I think probably because of the recommendation letter she got from a teacher that just glows about her) that makes it pretty on-par with the first university. Both me and DH agree that this is the better choice, and it is by-far the choice with the better reputation and info. DD? Not so much. She says its too small, plus she wants to go to university with her friends (apparently the larger university has a lot of interest at her highschool), and that it is her choice. Literally, me and DH don't like the big-city university that much (not that we are against the city-we've lived in DC for 20+ years, him for longer, and I've lived in cities for almost all my life, grew up in a small town and don't like the idea of moving back into one any time soon), and honestly I'm wondering whether you'll think it is appropriate for us to say that we won't pay nearly as much to send her to the bigger school which we don't see as a good way to continue her education, then we will to send her to the smaller, more tightknit school? The way I see it is that this is a big investment that we are putting down, and its not so she can go to hang out with her friends. Its our money, and if we think that the way she chooses to spend it (and a good amount of money too) is a waste, I don't think we should support it. Is this unreasonable (according to her it totally is, and the only reason we want her to go to the smaller college is because its closer to home-this is far from the only reason)

[Anonymous]

That is a tough dilemma!

One word of advice: the scholarship which she has received will most likely be up for annual renewal. If she is not a great student (not trying to be harsh here, just realistic) it may be tough for her to meet the renewal requirements (typically at least a 3.0 GPA). If she loses the scholarship after the first year, would you still think School B is a good alternative?

[Anonymous]

Let her go where SHE wants to go and accept the fact that she is growing up and don't worry about it if someone thinks xyz school is better than abc school.

[Anonymous]

Her life, her college, her choice. Unless you somehow thought the larger university was a poor choice (not just a less-good choice), you should let her decide. She is not likely to benefit from small incremental advantages if she doesn't want to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her go where SHE wants to go and accept the fact that she is growing up and don't worry about it if someone thinks xyz school is better than abc school.

This. We were in the exact situation last year. DS chose big urban out-of-state U and loves it. He really hated the lovely small college where everyone knows your name. We raise them to make good decisions, right? Now's the time to let them make those decisions (even when we "know" what's best).

[Anonymous]

Can you take her to visit both schools again and have a calm talk about what she likes and doesn't like about each?

I tend to agree with PP -- this is a choice she has to buy into, but maybe it isn't sealed yet. If her only reason for choosing Big U is that her friends are there, she's not making a very mature decision.

A visit and a calm talk about what she might want to study, where she sees herself living, etc might help her focus on more than the social aspect -- which could simply be a cover for her fears about college in general.

[Anonymous]

Good advice here. Let dd make this decision. But I'd really try to get her to the small school's admitted students day or whatever it's called. The schools really trot out everything they've got at these. Something may appeal to your dd to have her consider the school more seriously.

[Anonymous]

it depends on her major.What is her major and what are the universities.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that often, hometown friends who go to the same university will soon befriend other people and end up not spending a whole lot of time together, anyway. I think you should let her attend the school of her choice.

[Anonymous]

She's not going to do well somewhere she doesn't want to be. Let her make the choice.

[Anonymous]

What is your deal with her? Did you agree to pay for whatever school she chooses? Or do you have an understanding that you can veto her choice because it's your money?

[Anonymous]

What about sending her to a local public university, save the money and use it for a down payment for a home or a starter fund for a business. College is an investment. You need to have a good ROI and unless it's a coveted brand name school or she majors in one of the more exclusive areas, you may as well put the money to really good use. College is an experience but it also needs to prepare you for the future. That future can be built by working for someone or working for yourself. The economy is such that now seems like a good time to experiment and build something for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Step out of it. Its time or her to choose. And if she wants to hang out with friends at college (didn't you? doesn't everyone?) thats her choice too.

[Anonymous]

Hard as it is, let her choose. She'll do well where she is happiest. As I've heard before, kids judge schools holistically. Parents tend to classify, analyze, contrast and compare. Kids know what they like.

[Anonymous]

It's hard, but ultimately try to respect and support her decision. Don't threaten her. She has reasons for wanting the school she wants and you have to acknowledge her moving into adulthood and support her. BUT make it clear to her that going to school is her responsibility and that she must work hard and focus on her studies and not her friends. There are so many stories of friends going off to college together that end up not being friends after their first year. These are years where people change and grow and many times friendships don't survive this. She may also feel insecure, thus the need to want a friendly face there. Just make sure that she is taking into consideration all the factors into her college choice.