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Taking infant to India-New Thread/Moral Dilemma?
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Anonymous
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To the OP on the other thread: That is so great that you get to take your DD to India. I am starting a new thread so as not to hijack the previous one, since mine is more of a moral dilemma.
The background: I have to go on a fairly important business trip to India at my new job for 2 weeks in November, at which point DS will be 9 months old. He has grandparents in Delhi and there would be no problem re food, staying etc. etc. My mom has already taken care of him fulltime in the US for the first 6 months of his life and is willing to do so again while I go about work in Delhi and elsewhere. I am perfectly comfortable with his first overseas trip being to India. I think it's wonderful! I know for a fact that DS will be well taken care of in India and will be in clean surroundings. He is on BM and premixed Enfamil, so water for formula is not an issue. My dad is in the water purifying business and their house is full of reverse osmosis water purifiers. They even boil the water after it's gone through the purifying process. So, we're talking real sticklers here. I would carry his cereal and baby food with me, and since he is still an infant, chances of his getting into "mischief" and eating dirt or whatever would be less as compared to a toddler or an older child. Oh, AND, November is a great time to be in Delhi, weather wise. Not to mention, I will be flying business class. Now, the problem: DH, who is not Indian (he's from the Midwest) but has gone to India twice, is ADAMANT that his son should not go to India as an infant. His argument is that there is too much air pollution in Delhi and that he doesn't want his kid exposed at this stage. He says the baby can't articulate symptoms and could develop respiratory problems etc. His immune system is not fully developed, yada yada.... He also thinks that since India is where I am from, I am willing to overlook potential health concerns for my kid -- which, I think is ridiculous since I am as paranoid of a new mom as any. While I understand DH's concerns as a new parent, I am not in a position to leave my infant for 2 weeks plus. DH has never had to take care of him by himself so far. The little guy is in daycare, but still. Aside from the fact that he hasn't been weaned yet and is very used to being with his mom and/or grandma, November will be 'flu season in DC and chances are he will get sick. I trust DH to take care of him, but at the end of the day, he is not Mommy. Plus, I know for a fact that I won't be able to function at work knowing that my infant is over 10,000 miles away! My dad, who is good with babies, has offered to fly over from India for 2 weeks to help with the baby while I am away. But I think that is insane. DH can't get away due to work at that time to travel with me; but I just want to pack up my baby, go to India, get my work done and be back in 2 weeks. This will also be a good chance for the grandparents to see the little guy again and for my only brother to meet him. The more I think about leaving him behind, the more stressed I get. I've lost 4 pounds this past week. (While that is a good thing since I am trying to shed pregnancy weight, this is not the way I want to do it!) I've brought up the everything I've said here with DH, but he won't budge. I've thought about it and thought about it and now I find my only recourse is to bag the trip since I don't want go leave my baby behind. This will not_look_good at work since I haven't even been there a year and this was the big "get to know the company operations" trip designed only for me. So, there you have it. Any thoughts? |
Anonymous
| Your argument sounds very reasonable, but at the end of the day you and DH need to come to an agreement. I don't think you have authority to override him, assuming your marriage is an equal partnership. Is there a neutral third party that could help you resolve the situation, since it appears you are at an impasse? |
Anonymous
PP again.. just wanted to add that perhaps your Pediatrician could be the neutral third person? Surely, he/she would have some sort of opinion on whether it's safe/healthy for a 9-month old to travel to India? |
Anonymous
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Does your husband realize that other babies are born and raised in India and are healthy? I presume he will be kept indoors quite a bit and the health risks for such a short term stay seem small. But, I am sure you have used these arguments.
Would it help if a doctor provided feedback? Even though your baby is still an infant, he is not as vulnerable as a baby under a couple months old, esp. if he has kept up with his vaccines. Does your husband realize that this could end the BFing stage for you? I didn't BF, but I imagine, even if you can stockpile 2 weeks worth of BM and pump while away to keep up supply, your little one might decide he likes the bottle over the boob when you come back. Can you split the time? maybe go with your son and then have your dad travel back to the US with him after a week. or maybe your husband can go for just 1 week? As tough as it is to be away from a baby, the 2 weeks will be over before you know it. I wouldn't turn this opportunity down, you have options to make this trip happen - just know that it is going to take a compromise or someone backing down. If it ends up being you, I'd invest in a webcam so you can dial in and talk to your son while away. Also, I had to travel for 10 days when my daughter was 10 months old. I missed her a lot, but I saw her over the webcam a couple times while I was away. When I came back home, i could tell she had no clue I was even gone. It was like nothing changed. It was worse for me than for her. |
Anonymous
| In honesty, he's as likely to get sick in transit as he is staying here. That being said, there is a huge difference between a 9 month old and the 5 or 6 month old you have now. Babies change a lot and seem much more substantial (if that makes sense) as they get older and you, as a parent, feel like they are less fragile and can handle more. This is true in lots of ways: new social situations, immunity-wise, etc. They become much more like a kid and less like a baby toward the end of the first year. Perhaps realization of this will cause your husband to budge. Best of luck regardless. |
Anonymous
| PP here - by the way - don't sell your husband short on the child care. He is your son's father, and unless you have other concerns, you should really trust him to be a dad and take care of him. if he really needs help, then can he have one of his relatives come and help out? By the way, my husband handled all child care duties while i was gone for the 10 days. He did fine and it was a wonderful way for him to get to know his daughter and also see how much work is involved with raising a child! |
Anonymous
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We have a rule of thumb in our family, which is that we go with the opinion of the more concerned / cautious parent, even if we think it is overly cautious. For example:
- I don't trust my in-laws for a variety of reasons, so our daughter doesn't stay there alone, even though my husband thinks it would be fine. - Our daughter was invited to go to a resort with a friend and her parents for a few nights, my husband didn't feel comfortable with that although I didn't so she didn't go. It is hard, but it works for us. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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I agree that your husband is overreacting (seems like a great opportunity to have ds see the grandparents again) but consider this -- a number of posters on these boards complain about their husbands not taking responsibility for childraising. If you leave for two weeks, your husband will have to do it on his own and he'll be fine. This way, HE learns he can do it on his own, YOU learn that he can do it on his own, and in the future perhaps you will be more likely to share parenting tasks -- if that is what you would like to do.
It seems like neither of you really trusts the other. I can understand why but both of you might benefit from learning to let go of control of the situation. Your son will probably be okay no matter which way you go. Good luck! Let us know what you do! |
Anonymous
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I am the other poster traveling to India. I understand your dilemma.
If I may I think that the kid will be fine in both cases. FYI my husband is from India but I'm not. While I am a bit anxious at the idea to take DD to India, I was the first one to suggest the trip. I think that it is important for kids to see their grand-parents regularly and later to discover part of their heritage. I agree with you about taking a lot of health precautions. Beyond that, I think he should get over his fear as it is part of the implicit agreement when marrying you. Otherwise you could also object in putting your kid to school in the US where there are more shootings,... On the other hand, you seem to suggest that he is not as good as you at taking care of the kid. I don't know about you but I knew nothing about kids before having one. I think that with the pregnancy and then the breastfeeding women tend to do more of the work than men in the beginning. Then they know more about the kid and it is easy to fall into the "mummy knows best" trap. Since you know more you do more etc. Having him taking care of your kid for two weeks would be a great way to break the cycle and a good chance for them to bond. Now I understand how two weeks would be very long for you! So I think that the kid will do great in both cases and that you and your husband may be more likely to find an agreement if you don't think that the kid's health would be at risk either way. By the way, we are trying to connect with other families with young kids. On Sunday 27, we're going to attend the annual picnic organized by the NetSAP-DC Families group http://groups.yahoo.com/group/netsap-dc-families/ (this will be the first of their events that we attend to) see below. If you are interested in maybe meeting up there or some other time you can email me at littlekaira at yahoo dot com. Best of luck anyway Glen Echo Park 7300 MacArthur Blvd., Glen Echo, MD 20812 US When: Sunday, July 27, 10:00AM |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks, guys.
My husband is a maniacal researcher/following the doc's advice to the T type of person. I am a more laid back mom, if you will. I am particular about cleanliness, hygiene, nutrition, health and safety when it comes to the baby, but I am not obsessed with numbers, percentiles and research like he is. I mean, even the pediatrician is beside herself because my researcher husband (that's what he does for a living) gets into the minutiae of percentiles! In any case, I asked him if it would be ok for our son to travel to India if the ped okayed it. He said no. Apparently, the ped doesn't know anything about India. Go figure. DS is current with all his shots and touch wood(!) is a pretty healthy kid. He only just got his first cold at 6 months and that too, because his dad had a cold. I totally trust my husband's parenting skills and I do respect and acknowledge his concern. I always also act accordingly if he expresses concern. But in this case, I do believe that his paranoia is a little unfounded. All that to say, I am certainly not going to take off with the child against the father's wishes, but I wish there were some way of making him understand that DS stands more of a chance of coming down with a cold/cough/'flu in daycare in North Arlington in November, compared to non-flu season in Delhi. 
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Anonymous
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I don't know if the lack of compromise is part of a bigger issue when it comes to decision making in your household, or if this is just one of those rare instances where you both feel strongly about your choice and a compromise just isn't going to happen. Sounds like this falls into the 2nd category.
With that said, if i was you, I would just let the father watch the baby while you travel. Logistically, it will be easier. It is a hassle to travel with a baby and at 9 months - he will most likely be crawling and won't be content to just sit still for the trip. And, travelling solo with a child is something i would never want to do again, esp. on a long international flight! Not to mention, that even if it is more likely for your son to get sick here in the states, his risk of catching something more serious is higher in a foreign country. You might also want to consider the reputation of the health care there - i don't know if it is considered better or worse thatn the care in the US. Finally, you will miss the baby, but your husband will probably go thru much more anxiety than you, worrying about the baby's health -and if something were to happen, you'd probably never hear the end of it. And the fact that he is willing - is awesome! My husband would never agree to do that. Another way to look at it - he is worried about your child's safety and health - legitimate. You are worried about how your child will do without mommy - it will be tough for you to handle - that is normal, but your baby will be fine without you for 2 weeks. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'd planned to suggest that perhaps your husband's concerns about air quality in Delhi could be assuaged if your parents were to buy an air filter or two for their home esp. the room that your son will sleep in. But on reading your follow-up post, I have to ask, is it possible that your husband is suffering from anxiety or something similar? No offense intended, it just seems like his paranoia and penchant for facts and figures is a bit extreme, and may be getting in the way of, well, life. |
Anonymous
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I wonder if your husband's concerns about air pollution are really the sum total of this? Does he have other underlying concerns about this travel (susceptibility to other illnesses perhaps? or just general safety?) - if so, finding ways to address and mollify these worries may be useful in making your case.
If it's all about the air pollution, well, as a working mom who travels I side wholly with you (and only wish I had family like yours who could/would help!) I've lived in a 3rd world capital that ranks top 5 for air pollution problems, and would take my son there in a heartbeat - there are lots of ways to mitigate and frankly if he's kept mostly indoors he's unlikely to have any negative repurcussions. Would your husband refuse to take your son to LA? While the PPs are correct that neither parents' concerns should be ignored, it doesn't sound to me as though this is a case of his concerns vs. your convenience - both parents are basing their preferences on the best interests of the child. I wouldn't back down unless your husband can make a legitimate case that you're actually putting your child in some jeopardy. |
Anonymous
| I am a second generation Indian-American (born in the US & my parents are from India). My mom travels to Delhi frequently to visit her parents & siblings. Anyway, she is adamant that my two young children (DS1 & DS3) not visit India until they are older. She feels that for several reasons the conditions are too unsafe for young children. Therefore, I can understand the reason your DH has this opinion. I think that you should go on your trip to India & let him take care of DC. Perhaps he can have a family member stay with him to help while you are away. Good luck. |
Anonymous
Sorry to hear this, OP! Sounds like your husband's need to control is going to be a long-term challenge, regardless of what you decide to do about your trip! I know what it's like to be married to a really smart, well-educated person who underneath it all is struggling with a lot of anxiety (and I'm the same way for that matter, just not so oblivious). It would be nice if my DH could just own up to it and learn to deal but I'm not holding my breath on that one. Good luck finding a solution that doesn't make you crazy! |