Grey divorces

[Anonymous]

Long story short, I eventually prevailed after threatening to buy and send the tickets myself -- because I knew they really wanted to go. The conversation ended with a "fine, I'll do it but ...

NP here. Hoping the above poster will read this. Poster, the communication between you two needs to change. Each of you need to re-train yourselves to: say what you mean and mean what you say. And trust/respect that each of you have communicated this way. Not this dance-around, taking pride is "knowing" what's best for the other or what the other truly wants (or should want), but isn't saying. It's not a good approach to love to believe you have the power to second-guess what someone else says. To think you are caring/loving or think you know them better than they know themselves. It leads to all kinds of confusion, issues of control, and emotional manipulation. Minimally, it leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Say what you mean and mean what you say. And trust that the other person has done the same. Change your communication style for far greater happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

You mean you’re staying for the free high quality child care, cooking, home mgmt, scheduling, health monitoring, cleaning and logistics mgmt your unpaid wife is doing, while also working a full time job or not.

Oh and you also get an ego and image boost because you appear like a functional Family Guy. Not only working all the time but likeable enough to still be married and see your kids anytime when convenient.

So instead of fixing the underlying issues in your marriage and household, you tag along like the selfish leech that you are, doing your own thing but continuing the facade of a married father.

So true.
Just ignore and hate your wife. Continue to only focus on yourself and work. Make her do everything “for the kids.” All so you don’t have to attempt 50/50.
Then gray divorce!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Long story short, I eventually prevailed after threatening to buy and send the tickets myself -- because I knew they really wanted to go. The conversation ended with a "fine, I'll do it but ...

NP here. Hoping the above poster will read this. Poster, the communication between you two needs to change. Each of you need to re-train yourselves to: say what you mean and mean what you say. And trust/respect that each of you have communicated this way. Not this dance-around, taking pride is "knowing" what's best for the other or what the other truly wants (or should want), but isn't saying. It's not a good approach to love to believe you have the power to second-guess what someone else says. To think you are caring/loving or think you know them better than they know themselves. It leads to all kinds of confusion, issues of control, and emotional manipulation. Minimally, it leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Say what you mean and mean what you say. And trust that the other person has done the same. Change your communication style for far greater happiness.

My advice to that crazy ex wife coddling her ex husband is to just drop the rope and let him sit home and be a vegetable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

I was where you are 5 years ago. Hang in there, and when it gets tough, focus on the kids. Keep the faith- it’s so much better on the other side. Hang in there, and just keep marking off the days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

I was where you are 5 years ago. Hang in there, and when it gets tough, focus on the kids. Keep the faith- it’s so much better on the other side. Hang in there, and just keep marking off the days.

Both of you are better than my DH, who decided that kids are resilient, commitments are only real when you decide they are, and adult happiness should never be postponed. I have a weird respect for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

You mean you’re staying for the free high quality child care, cooking, home mgmt, scheduling, health monitoring, cleaning and logistics mgmt your unpaid wife is doing, while also working a full time job or not.

Oh and you also get an ego and image boost because you appear like a functional Family Guy. Not only working all the time but likeable enough to still be married and see your kids anytime when convenient.

So instead of fixing the underlying issues in your marriage and household, you tag along like the selfish leech that you are, doing your own thing but continuing the facade of a married father.

So true.
Just ignore and hate your wife. Continue to only focus on yourself and work. Make her do everything “for the kids.” All so you don’t have to attempt 50/50.
Then gray divorce!

#ThePatriarch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

You mean you’re staying for the free high quality child care, cooking, home mgmt, scheduling, health monitoring, cleaning and logistics mgmt your unpaid wife is doing, while also working a full time job or not.

Oh and you also get an ego and image boost because you appear like a functional Family Guy. Not only working all the time but likeable enough to still be married and see your kids anytime when convenient.

So instead of fixing the underlying issues in your marriage and household, you tag along like the selfish leech that you are, doing your own thing but continuing the facade of a married father.

Amazing how off base you can be. This is not something I tell the people in my life. She is the one with the image boost from not having the world know that she would leave the kids home to go cheat during the day. I love my kids more than I value my happiness. Since those times she has become a great mom, but she is a horrible spouse.

You sound like you could benefit from meeting a man in real life as an individual. I am far from perfect, but I do apologize when I am wrong and attempt to make decisions that will not only benefit me. I also don’t run from responsibility. Living with the pain of this marriage is much harder than I ever imagined, because I see the loss of us and the woman I loved every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

You mean you’re staying for the free high quality child care, cooking, home mgmt, scheduling, health monitoring, cleaning and logistics mgmt your unpaid wife is doing, while also working a full time job or not.

Oh and you also get an ego and image boost because you appear like a functional Family Guy. Not only working all the time but likeable enough to still be married and see your kids anytime when convenient.

So instead of fixing the underlying issues in your marriage and household, you tag along like the selfish leech that you are, doing your own thing but continuing the facade of a married father.

Amazing how off base you can be. This is not something I tell the people in my life. She is the one with the image boost from not having the world know that she would leave the kids home to go cheat during the day. I love my kids more than I value my happiness. Since those times she has become a great mom, but she is a horrible spouse.

You sound like you could benefit from meeting a man in real life as an individual. I am far from perfect, but I do apologize when I am wrong and attempt to make decisions that will not only benefit me. I also don’t run from responsibility. Living with the pain of this marriage is much harder than I ever imagined, because I see the loss of us and the woman I loved every day.

So your wife, a “great mom” now, years before that, left her young kids home alone to supposedly go cheat and have an affair? And you confronted her? Or assumed? Or nothing?

That’s great you love your kids. everyone does, even absentee incarcerated fathers of six. They all say they love their children so, so much.

But talk is cheap. Action is where it’s at. Care is demonstrated love. Not words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

+1000

The kids aren’t fools from age 10 onwards either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gray divorce is a massive pain in the ass for your adult children. Stick it out for 10 years, then you won't care and can just live like room mates.

Why? Genuinely curious since I’m in the middle of one. I’ll come out of it financially stable and won’t need to work (I’m 52). Two adult kids who have graduated college already. Plans are made for who pays for weddings etc.

Because they still have to spend time with both of you but it's not like they suddenly get 2x the vacation time just because their parents are divorced.

Because managing two aging adults in separate properties is harder than one property. And because you might be single so your children, rather than a spouse or partner, has to be next of kin.

Stop thinking about how this will be in your 50s-70s. Think about how it will be in your 80s and 90s.

That is stupid. Many people don't live that long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gray divorce is a massive pain in the ass for your adult children. Stick it out for 10 years, then you won't care and can just live like room mates.

Why? Genuinely curious since I’m in the middle of one. I’ll come out of it financially stable and won’t need to work (I’m 52). Two adult kids who have graduated college already. Plans are made for who pays for weddings etc.

It's only an issue for people who run out of money and don't plan. If you have plenty of money and a plan for getting yourself into assisted living and long-term care, it won't burden your kids. My in-laws had a grey divorce, and they are a burden to us because we have to help pay for and manage 2 separate dwelling units for them, but that's more of a depleted resource issue than anything.

+1. If you are financially okay, it is a non-issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think men are struggling more than women after gray divorces

Don't know about other places, but the older men in my neighborhood are kind of boring and grumpy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different perspective FWIF: Went on a weeklong trip with HS friends - 6 couples and all marriages seem very solid. We are all 60. One friend married late in life and one widow (me) in a committed relationship.
I really can't say why this is but when you are in the same house with people for a week you see the cracks. Didn't hear one unkind word or snide comment.

The fact that 6 couples could live together for a week says a lot about the people. You all sound gregarious, well balanced and easy going. My husband would not even to go such a gathering lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men are struggling more than women after gray divorces

Yep! And feeling used and abandoned.

A lot of women around me make more than their husbands, and shoulder more house work. Are these men using the women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In retirement, make sure each of you can have some of your own space in your home. And give each other the house, alone, some. Neither of you is responsible for finding ways for the other to fill their time. You aren't managing each other and shouldn't be judging how they spend their time. What is usually said about the challenges for couples in retirement is: it's twice the amount of togetherness while living on 1/2 of the money you're use to.

Good point. I think I am going to buy my husband a hobby apartment so he can go hide there as he desire.