I think DH is missing that early relationship "butterflies" in-love feeling

[Anonymous]

I get the feeling my DH of 7 years is missing that "what's going to happen next" butterflies feeling. I don't think it's a reflection on me necessarily, but just something he misses from his days of dating. Just wait it out or is there anything I can do?

[Anonymous]

Do you still have it? If so, I'm impressed. I thought most people lost it after several years, but I could be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, rereading your post, I see that you meant missing in a different way. I miss it too, but I think most people get over it.

[Anonymous]

It's not tthe same, but to try to keep some of the excitement we give each other cards randomly, and always tell each other how amazing the other is.

[Anonymous]

Start some new projects together (take a class, do a reno, learn a new skill, have a kid). Sounds like he's bored with life - not necessarily you. You need to meet new people and change things up a little - get new friends etc.

[Anonymous]

I lost those years ago, as have many of my friends. Some claim to still have it, but I don't buy it.

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

So after at least 8 years, (7 married and at least one dating/engaged), he misses the butterflies. Not to sound mean but that's life.

What you and he need to realize is that the emotional butterflies of new love should have been replaced with the cozy warm feeling of a life and love shared.

[Anonymous]

Part of being an adult is recognizing that love grows and deepens. The passion of the beginning of a relationship might flare through sometimes, but it will never be the same. It SHOULDN'T be the same, because that would show a love stuck in a shallow introductory stage.

Just like with your children. When you first lay eyes on your newborn, in the rush of oxytocin from birth, you feel an insane wonder and intensity of focus. You may stay high for a couple of days, unable to sleep or do anything but stare at this beautiful creature. At some point, the exhaustion and relentless demands of your love for your child will settle in. Does this mean you don't love your baby as much? Are the best moments past? No, of course not! Would you waste the rest of your life trying to go back in time? That would be really dumb, and short-sighted.

Your husband needs to understand this, and embrace what he has. Of course, you can show how much you love him all the time, but that won't get his head straight. This is a state of mind, not a reflection on you. Life will start passing him by if he stays in this rut.

Things and experiences are unsatisfying, because they pass. What is real and satisfying is love, relationships, knowing persons.

[Anonymous]

OP here - see *I* get all that, but I'm not sure DH does. H'es not really seeing the value in our stable, comfortable love. How does someone learn this?

[Anonymous]

If "missing the butterflies" means missing the newness of everything, of learning about your new partner, etc. - bring it back and keep it there. Try new activities - Trapeze school? - together. Ask him to surprise you one night. Get home early one day, get all dressed up, and surprise DH when he comes home. Show him that there are more, unexplored sides to each of you and you two can grow and change together.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, OP, a lot of guys are not good at learning how amazing the long-term love is (hence affairs happen).

What works for us (also married 7 years) is to have routines we enjoy -- spending a half hour in bed talking or snuggling before lights out (and snuggling leads to other things that keep the marriage happy!), taking at least one weekend "trip" (e.g. go to the farmer's market, go to the museum) together, have one "date night" per week. It's tougher now that we have a DC, but we are learning to supplant some old routines with new ones (bathtime together, playing with DC, etc). This helps us feel connected.

In addition, one great way to fake the "butterflies" is to engage in something challenging as a couple -- research has shown that couples feel bonded when they take on a challenging activity (usually physically challenging is best) that requires both of them to cooperate to succeed. I'm thinking rock wall climbing, hiking at Great Falls, taking karate lessons together, learning fencing, learning to water ski, whatever -- let your imagination run wild. The more out there the new physical activity is, the more it'll rock both of your worlds and make you feel bonded because you're facing the challenges together.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the feeling my DH of 7 years is missing that "what's going to happen next" butterflies feeling. I don't think it's a reflection on me necessarily, but just something he misses from his days of dating. Just wait it out or is there anything I can do?

DH here, it really depends on the overall situation. Why do you think he is missing this? I think very few guys would ever miss "butterflies" per se---its not how most of us think---and if you have been together that long those issues, to the extent they exist, would likely have come and gone already. How are things in the bedroom? If things are going well there, I don't know what would make a guy miss "butterflies." If they are not going well there, that's probably the real issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - see *I* get all that, but I'm not sure DH does. H'es not really seeing the value in our stable, comfortable love. How does someone learn this?

OP, I actually disagree with PPs who say "try something new" or "surprise him" or "spice up the bedroom" or something. Because you could swing from the chandelier, you could learn how to fly a plane, you could seek out every adrenalin rush on the planet earth, and not touch this problem. Please, go ahead and do anything and everything with the man you love, but NOT because you're trying to wow him into butterfly love with you. Just because you love him, and want to grow old with him, and take on the world with him by your side.

And how can you get him to figure this out? You can't. You can't crawl into his mind or change his heart or move his will. Only he can do that. You can give him analogies, count blessings together, and so on, but if he is restless out of an internal emptiness or immaturity, he's the only one who can change and fix himself.

True love makes demands on people. It's not just hormone rushes and fancy dinners and joint activities. That's reality. If he cannot accept that, that's his misfortune, because he's missing out. But of course, that hurts you. I'm sorry, OP.

A long time ago, I saw the old version of Yours, Mine and Ours, when a widow with 8 children and a widower with 10 children get married. There's a scene at the end (if I remember correctly) when one of their teenage daughters wants to run away with her boyfriend. At the time, her mom is in labor and her dad is trying to get her into the car to take her to the hospital. The teenager is throwing a fit, because her parents are trying to keep her home, and she screams, "BUT WE'RE IN LOVE!" And her father points to her mother panting on the stairs and says, "NO, SHE'S IN LOVE." I may be remembering the details wrong, but it struck me as really profound.

Love is so much more than butterflies...and if you really love someone, then there will be butterflies sometimes...my husband and I have loved each other for almost 20 years...but the times when my heart has really ached with love for him lately? When he held our teenage daughter's hair back as she was throwing up...when he almost fell asleep reading out loud to the toddlers because he was so exhausted from work but knew they needed time with him...when he cleaned out the car because I just couldn't get to it...when he ordered pizza because I was too sick to cook dinner...it goes on and on...

We're still crazy into each other, but our love is expressed in different, less crazy ways most of the time. Not through things and wild experiences, but through acts of service and tenderness.

He has to realize this himself.

[Anonymous]

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:So after at least 8 years, (7 married and at least one dating/engaged), he misses the butterflies. Not to sound mean but that's life.

What you and he need to realize is that the emotional butterflies of new love should have been replaced with the cozy warm feeling of a life and love shared.

Agree. Imagine if we never left that feeling of the first three months of meeting/dating our spouse. I for one didn't eat and hardly sleep for much of those times - too lovesick. I spent a great deal of time and energy with him. There were work nights we didn't sleep, etc. Now imagine trying to raise kids, advance your career, hold up other relationships with friends and family, and other societal obligations if you always had that feeling. Sounds AWFUL!

It is natural to get comfortable and there is a beauty in being able to "take for granted" that you will see that person all the time. Sure, it was fun and sex with a new person sounds appealing at times but not really feasible for raising a family and growing old together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - see *I* get all that, but I'm not sure DH does. H'es not really seeing the value in our stable, comfortable love. How does someone learn this?

OP, I actually disagree with PPs who say "try something new" or "surprise him" or "spice up the bedroom" or something. Because you could swing from the chandelier, you could learn how to fly a plane, you could seek out every adrenalin rush on the planet earth, and not touch this problem. Please, go ahead and do anything and everything with the man you love, but NOT because you're trying to wow him into butterfly love with you. Just because you love him, and want to grow old with him, and take on the world with him by your side.

And how can you get him to figure this out? You can't. You can't crawl into his mind or change his heart or move his will. Only he can do that. You can give him analogies, count blessings together, and so on, but if he is restless out of an internal emptiness or immaturity, he's the only one who can change and fix himself.

True love makes demands on people. It's not just hormone rushes and fancy dinners and joint activities. That's reality. If he cannot accept that, that's his misfortune, because he's missing out. But of course, that hurts you. I'm sorry, OP.

A long time ago, I saw the old version of Yours, Mine and Ours, when a widow with 8 children and a widower with 10 children get married. There's a scene at the end (if I remember correctly) when one of their teenage daughters wants to run away with her boyfriend. At the time, her mom is in labor and her dad is trying to get her into the car to take her to the hospital. The teenager is throwing a fit, because her parents are trying to keep her home, and she screams, "BUT WE'RE IN LOVE!" And her father points to her mother panting on the stairs and says, "NO, SHE'S IN LOVE." I may be remembering the details wrong, but it struck me as really profound.

Love is so much more than butterflies...and if you really love someone, then there will be butterflies sometimes...my husband and I have loved each other for almost 20 years...but the times when my heart has really ached with love for him lately? When he held our teenage daughter's hair back as she was throwing up...when he almost fell asleep reading out loud to the toddlers because he was so exhausted from work but knew they needed time with him...when he cleaned out the car because I just couldn't get to it...when he ordered pizza because I was too sick to cook dinner...it goes on and on...

We're still crazy into each other, but our love is expressed in different, less crazy ways most of the time. Not through things and wild experiences, but through acts of service and tenderness.

He has to realize this himself.

This is one of the smartest posts I've read on DCUM in a while, thank you PP