have you found the perfect house only to find your partner hates it?

[Anonymous]

Frustrated and confused after finding what I thought was the perfect house for DH and our family... meets all of our agreed upon criteria.
DH doesn't even consider the house now because of one feature... this feature being something we had not previously discuss and he hates this feature. I happen to love it (as well as the house itself) so we are at a complete impasse.
I worry about missing out on a great property (in our price, schools, etc.) and he is just not at all considering it.

Has this happened to you? Give me some words of wisdom or advice. I am so frustrated.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I should clarify the feature of disagreement is not something that can be changed... along the lines of the house has a windy driveway, or has a oddly shaped yard, etc.

[Anonymous]

What is the feature?

[Anonymous]

Yes. In our case, the feature was a Dutch colonial roof. DH absolutely refused to even negotiate on price. Very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. In our case, the feature was a Dutch colonial roof. DH absolutely refused to even negotiate on price. Very frustrating.

The house we ended up buying was a Dutch colonial and both DH and I hated it. 3 years later we tore the "Dutch" part off and we now have what looks like a regular old Colonial. Lesson here is make sure the feature really can't be changed. Many things can actually be changed for a certain amount of $. Then you have the choice of actually doing it.

OP if it really is something that can't be changed then skip the house. But then you need to sit down with DH and make sure there isn't anything else that should be on the list of deal breakers.

[Anonymous]

If your partner hates it, it's not a perfect house. Keep looking.

[Anonymous]

I agree - keep looking! Houses are full of problems. You don't want to be on the hook for every issue because you were the one that took a stand on it.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Happened several times to us. Husband dug his heels in over several houses and as much as it pains me to admit, he was right each time.

[Anonymous]

We found a house that I loved. DH really liked the house, but it was sort of oddly situated at the end of a street of houses that were not very attractive/weren't as "upgraded" as the rest of the neighborhood. He just couldn't get over that. He was right -- it would have affected our resale value. We ended up finding a another house we both loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree - keep looking! Houses are full of problems. You don't want to be on the hook for every issue because you were the one that took a stand on it.

This totally happened to me. I loved the house, dh had reservations but went along. Each problem that cropped up (and there were many) became "my fault." House we are in now we both loved from the minute we saw the pix online.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the feedback.

On an intellectual level (emotional level?) I know that if one of us doesn't like the house, it shouldn't be in contention.
What's playing out is a strange reverse of roles that I can't seem to get... as well, there are many pros for both of us in this house, but only one con in his mind. It's that 'con' that he won't compromise on and it has left me confused.

DH is an accountant and a facts / figures guy: he sees the bottom line in every house. He looks at asking price, what needs to be redone, etc. I am the more creative type and typically don't think about the cost; I just 'see' us happy in the house or not.

In this house, which has been recently redone with new appliances, fixtures, carpets, etc. and is at the low end of our price range. So I would assume it's a 'go' for us. However, there is the one feature of the house that he has 'a bad feeling' about. It doesn't involve the house itself.

So in conclusion, I want to go focus on all of the benefits of this house (of which we both agree there are many) - but DH is unwilling to see past the one negative in his mind.

Anyway, I don't know that any of you care about these details... but I'm feeling really stuck about this and still don't know how to proceed. I don't think he would steamroll me into something I didn't want to to; at the same time, this house meets so many of our agreed upon criteria, that I almost want to discount the one concern he has raised (and has never before raised in the home search).

Thanks for reading my vent.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. YES. We were in this exact situation a couple months ago. I found this gorgeous house that I loved immediately, in exactly the right location, with all our agreed upon criteria. I was so excited. We went to go look at it. I knew as soon as I walked in the door that I would love it and he would find something wrong with it. I spent the whole walk through trying to guess what his flaw would be, trying to come up with a way to counter it. After we left, he was really quiet and not really answering any of my (or our real estate agent's) questions about the house. We went for a little walk in the neighborhood, which he said he loved - loved the street, loved the other houses, loved how many people were out and about. When we got back in the car, he told me that he "just didn't like it" and that certain rooms "felt weird" to him and that some features were "not the best use of space."

I confess, I burst into tears on the spot, had to pull the car over and calm down. Eventually, I got him to explain more specifically what he didn't like about it, and grudgingly admit that some of the things he didn't like made sense. They just were not dealbreakers for me. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. I tried really hard not to take his rejection of the house as a rejection of me personally which obviously it was not, but I am telling you, I really loved the house! I too just "see" us in a place, and with this one, I could see various domestic scenes 5, 10, 15 years down the road.

Here is what I would do, in your situation, if this is even still possible:

1. Explain to him how strongly you feel and ask him if, as a favor to you because of the love he has for you, he would be willing to go look at the house again, with new eyes. So many things can influence how a person perceives a place that are not actually related to the house. For us, this was not an option because it was under contract by the time we even got to this part of our thinking.

2. Use this conversation as part of what I hope are on-going talks about criteria for houses and add whatever his issue was to your list. For us, this was also not an option because his issues were either nebulous ("feels weird") or specific to this house.

3. What is your division of labor on the house search? I think that one of the reasons I was so upset was that I was doing ALL the searching, with the criteria we had agreed on, and then presenting him with options, which he then rejected. I think that's why it felt so personal, because it wasn't just a rejection of the house, it was also about how for whatever reasons, my work had not been up to the standards he expected. My solution to this was to take a step back and insist that he do all the searching for properties after this one. Additionally, if he finds something he likes, he needs to go look at it alone first, and if he likes it, I will also go look. The down side to this is that for various reasons (market slowing down after mid-July, his busy schedule), he has yet to actually go look at ANYTHING.

Good luck Nice to know it's not just me in this sad boat.

[Anonymous]

Op, can you tell us what the specific issue is?

[Anonymous]

No one, including your DH should have to live in a house that he categorically hates, whether it is that the house is on a busy street or near a cemetary or that it is twice the commute from work than he is used to. He will have to live in/with this house for many years and trying to force someone to live in a house they dislike is not fair. We are in a housing slump. There are significantly more houses out there than buyers in the market. There should be another house that you can agree on. Think of it this way, would you want this disagreement to be the rift that leads to a divorce? Is this "dream house" worth that? Even if not to divorce, do you want this to become a thorn in your sides which just festers and he brings up whenever you have a fight? Don't force him. Let it go and find another house. Really. You'll both be happier about it. That's part of marriage, finding that compromise.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If one of you doesn't like it, it isn't the perfect house.

Let it go and look for another property.