Child is severely left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem, as the school adminstrator/counselor points out, is that for a host of practical reasons the counselor cannot and does not know what is going on. The kids on the other hand all do. Thus when a kid goes to see the counselor it's noticed. When questions, no matter how general or circumspect, start getting asked that's noticed as well.

Meanwhile the parents only find out after the damage has been done and are generally dealing with the immediate fall out from whatever straw was placed upon their camel's back.

Counselors are good for helping in the beginning, but the adults don't know what's percolating yet, and after the acceptance phase, but at that point it's usually too late and the issues are different.


There's also the slight problem that some of the potential solutions are not things that anyone who works at a school can ever recommend or suggest. A counselor can never, for ethical and liability reasons, suggest to punch back. By going to the counselor the "victim" is effectively limiting their own response options.


It's a horrible conundrum for kids, parents and school officials because there are no solutions and every action creates a reaction. Acknowledging both the pros and cons is important. Counselors can be helpful but are not a solution.

In the end, what's your advice to OP? What do you think is OP's best path to helping her DD get through this?

The one from page 8?

A lot depends on the grade and the size of the school.

The primary and very serious issue is her depression. She should see the counselor but not because of the bullying. That won't be fixed. Right now she needs to care about herself and you need to look at different schools. Going to the counselor will help with that because you are going to need the school's help finding a new school.

This summer I would suggest a longish trip. The type of trip she can come back from with a rebuilt persona. Hanging out with older but youngish family without you would also help. She has noone she feels she can trust or that understands her.

The hope is that over the summer she can rebuild her confidence and start with a clean slate

Short term, I would suggest embracing being the one that stands alone. Teach her to flail her elbows when they push her. One "accidental" whack to the nose will make them think twice. Come up with some cutting insults to use if needed. If she has dirt, now is the time to spill it. But otherwise advise her to stay as far away from them as possible. Join whatever it is that those girls look down upon (thats where her allies might be found) and hope she finds something she likes.

Other than that you have to leave her alone because you are also in danger of making things worse. She's in a chrysalis and needs to rebuild her ego. The child you knew is gone. Your purpose is now to help guide whatever 2.0 comes out of this.

Wait, you think this girl should change schools over this situation?? Middle and high school are hard, the social drama sucks. It's also really common for things to get really uncomfortable because teens are learning to navigate hard situations and set their own boundaries. What are you teaching your daughter if the takeaway from the way these mean girls are acting (which is bad but not yet egregious or suspendable actions) is to totally disrupt all that is familiar to her and run to another school? What happens when she goes through all that, then her next school turns out to have typical teen social dynamics too? Still change schools again? Running away isn't going to develop her coping skills any better.

What do you think a parent should do if their child is engaging in self-harm, failing out of school and isolating themselves from family? That's not "typical teen social dynamics".

What "coping skills" do you think can be developed in their current situation?

I'm the PP you're replying to, and first off, stop catastrophising this situation. OP NEVER said her daughter is self-harming, and never said she's failing. She said this is taking a toll on her DD's mental health and her grades", but did not give details about either, so stop jumping to the worst conclusions.

Either way, what do I think the parent should do? Attend to her DD's mental health, first and foremost. Because if s/he doesn't attend to it, no matter where her DD goes to school, she's not going to be ok. OP has not named actually getting a therapist for her kid as one of her strategies or anything she's tried, so that is priority #1. Maybe OP should also see a therapist or parent coach too for herself.

Changing schools can sometimes be traumatic in and of itself, and maybe this is news to you but there probably isn't a middle or high school in the US that doesn't have at least some of these dynamics. So whatever is going on for OP in not knowing how to handle this, just moving schools does zero to actually help OP or OP's DD know how to handle this when it happens again. And it's likely to happen again.

DP- Whatever. I changed school for my daughter and she's thriving now. Your kids no longer have her as a punching bag and can worry about being next and then maybe you'll see how damaging this situation. Until then keep spouting off nonsense.

Please, do tell: Given OP's situation now, with daughter self-harming, bullies getting worse, OP totally stressed out and clueless about what else to do, they change schools. What if the same dynamic comes up again? Or what if the new school is even harder? I'm glad it worked for your family, but mean girls are in most schools and some version of this is very possible to happen again. So do tell: if OP goes straight to a search for a new school and they change schools, and this starts up again, explain to me what OP does then? Change schools a 2nd time? How does a focus on changing schools as the next action make anything better if it happens again in the new school if none of the other issues are addressed?

Because the girls at the other school were psychotic jerks? My daughter always had friends at camp, outside activities, and neighbors. That clear enough for you? She wasn’t the problem. You seem to have some of your own issues.

Not PP but no one here is saying she is the problem. Several people are saying different versions of this situation has become such a big problem, helping her now is most important. Op's daughter is different than yours, Op explained she doesn't have friends in lots of other places. And OP explained why changing schools isn't a solution. You'd be less angry if you paid attention to what is being said and not assuming what worked for you is priority for others.

[Anonymous]

Literally so common nowadays. It’s the new style of bullying.

[Anonymous]

at least now you know they aren’t your friends. They bored with you, they dispose you. Think of this as a blessing in disguise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello all,
My kid is in the 8th grade, and she has been doing pretty good until now. One of her friends started randomly excluding her, and making sure she knows that she’s being excluded. Aside with other small problems, this has taken a toll on my daughter’s mental health, and grades. I know middle school friends are hard, but is there any way that I could help her with this? Anything I could say to make her feel better?

I’ve never understood why girls are so mean to each other. I hope your daughter finds real friends and that karma finds the kid aka ”friend” who is doing this to your child. She will end up a loser later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello all,
My kid is in the 8th grade, and she has been doing pretty good until now. One of her friends started randomly excluding her, and making sure she knows that she’s being excluded. Aside with other small problems, this has taken a toll on my daughter’s mental health, and grades. I know middle school friends are hard, but is there any way that I could help her with this? Anything I could say to make her feel better?

I’ve never understood why girls are so mean to each other. I hope your daughter finds real friends and that karma finds the kid aka ”friend” who is doing this to your child. She will end up a loser later in life.

It would be nice if they all ended up as losers. Not sure it works out that way. Look at the parents of the meanest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem, as the school adminstrator/counselor points out, is that for a host of practical reasons the counselor cannot and does not know what is going on. The kids on the other hand all do. Thus when a kid goes to see the counselor it's noticed. When questions, no matter how general or circumspect, start getting asked that's noticed as well.

Meanwhile the parents only find out after the damage has been done and are generally dealing with the immediate fall out from whatever straw was placed upon their camel's back.

Counselors are good for helping in the beginning, but the adults don't know what's percolating yet, and after the acceptance phase, but at that point it's usually too late and the issues are different.


There's also the slight problem that some of the potential solutions are not things that anyone who works at a school can ever recommend or suggest. A counselor can never, for ethical and liability reasons, suggest to punch back. By going to the counselor the "victim" is effectively limiting their own response options.


It's a horrible conundrum for kids, parents and school officials because there are no solutions and every action creates a reaction. Acknowledging both the pros and cons is important. Counselors can be helpful but are not a solution.

In the end, what's your advice to OP? What do you think is OP's best path to helping her DD get through this?

The one from page 8?

A lot depends on the grade and the size of the school.

The primary and very serious issue is her depression. She should see the counselor but not because of the bullying. That won't be fixed. Right now she needs to care about herself and you need to look at different schools. Going to the counselor will help with that because you are going to need the school's help finding a new school.

This summer I would suggest a longish trip. The type of trip she can come back from with a rebuilt persona. Hanging out with older but youngish family without you would also help. She has noone she feels she can trust or that understands her.

The hope is that over the summer she can rebuild her confidence and start with a clean slate

Short term, I would suggest embracing being the one that stands alone. Teach her to flail her elbows when they push her. One "accidental" whack to the nose will make them think twice. Come up with some cutting insults to use if needed. If she has dirt, now is the time to spill it. But otherwise advise her to stay as far away from them as possible. Join whatever it is that those girls look down upon (thats where her allies might be found) and hope she finds something she likes.

Other than that you have to leave her alone because you are also in danger of making things worse. She's in a chrysalis and needs to rebuild her ego. The child you knew is gone. Your purpose is now to help guide whatever 2.0 comes out of this.

Wait, you think this girl should change schools over this situation?? Middle and high school are hard, the social drama sucks. It's also really common for things to get really uncomfortable because teens are learning to navigate hard situations and set their own boundaries. What are you teaching your daughter if the takeaway from the way these mean girls are acting (which is bad but not yet egregious or suspendable actions) is to totally disrupt all that is familiar to her and run to another school? What happens when she goes through all that, then her next school turns out to have typical teen social dynamics too? Still change schools again? Running away isn't going to develop her coping skills any better.

What do you think a parent should do if their child is engaging in self-harm, failing out of school and isolating themselves from family? That's not "typical teen social dynamics".

What "coping skills" do you think can be developed in their current situation?

I'm the PP you're replying to, and first off, stop catastrophising this situation. OP NEVER said her daughter is self-harming, and never said she's failing. She said this is taking a toll on her DD's mental health and her grades", but did not give details about either, so stop jumping to the worst conclusions.

Either way, what do I think the parent should do? Attend to her DD's mental health, first and foremost. Because if s/he doesn't attend to it, no matter where her DD goes to school, she's not going to be ok. OP has not named actually getting a therapist for her kid as one of her strategies or anything she's tried, so that is priority #1. Maybe OP should also see a therapist or parent coach too for herself.

Changing schools can sometimes be traumatic in and of itself, and maybe this is news to you but there probably isn't a middle or high school in the US that doesn't have at least some of these dynamics. So whatever is going on for OP in not knowing how to handle this, just moving schools does zero to actually help OP or OP's DD know how to handle this when it happens again. And it's likely to happen again.

DP- Whatever. I changed school for my daughter and she's thriving now. Your kids no longer have her as a punching bag and can worry about being next and then maybe you'll see how damaging this situation. Until then keep spouting off nonsense.

Please, do tell: Given OP's situation now, with daughter self-harming, bullies getting worse, OP totally stressed out and clueless about what else to do, they change schools. What if the same dynamic comes up again? Or what if the new school is even harder? I'm glad it worked for your family, but mean girls are in most schools and some version of this is very possible to happen again. So do tell: if OP goes straight to a search for a new school and they change schools, and this starts up again, explain to me what OP does then? Change schools a 2nd time? How does a focus on changing schools as the next action make anything better if it happens again in the new school if none of the other issues are addressed?

Because the girls at the other school were psychotic jerks? My daughter always had friends at camp, outside activities, and neighbors. That clear enough for you? She wasn’t the problem. You seem to have some of your own issues.

Not PP but no one here is saying she is the problem. Several people are saying different versions of this situation has become such a big problem, helping her now is most important. Op's daughter is different than yours, Op explained she doesn't have friends in lots of other places. And OP explained why changing schools isn't a solution. You'd be less angry if you paid attention to what is being said and not assuming what worked for you is priority for others.

No, if you’re saying everywhere she goes she’ll have the same problem. Then, yes, she’s the problem. That is definitely not always the case. The PP droning about that deserves to be called out. And I was always addressing my situation, because that PP was broadly talking about changing schools being traumatic because these problems are everywhere. Is there a nicer way tell that PP to Eff Off? You can run along as well too. Sometimes your hateful shits at these schools are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello all,
My kid is in the 8th grade, and she has been doing pretty good until now. One of her friends started randomly excluding her, and making sure she knows that she’s being excluded. Aside with other small problems, this has taken a toll on my daughter’s mental health, and grades. I know middle school friends are hard, but is there any way that I could help her with this? Anything I could say to make her feel better?

I’ve never understood why girls are so mean to each other. I hope your daughter finds real friends and that karma finds the kid aka ”friend” who is doing this to your child. She will end up a loser later in life.

Their parents encourage it. The mindset is “better their kid than mine” and they look the other way. Look at the posters even saying “don’t bother changing schools”. Sometimes a particular friend group with an apathetic admin who doesn’t want to get involved is the problem. Would you keep going back to the same job if you were bullied and harassed or would you change jobs? We don’t tell employees to suck it up because no place is better yet some think that is appropriate messaging for kids. That’s a cop out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem, as the school adminstrator/counselor points out, is that for a host of practical reasons the counselor cannot and does not know what is going on. The kids on the other hand all do. Thus when a kid goes to see the counselor it's noticed. When questions, no matter how general or circumspect, start getting asked that's noticed as well.

Meanwhile the parents only find out after the damage has been done and are generally dealing with the immediate fall out from whatever straw was placed upon their camel's back.

Counselors are good for helping in the beginning, but the adults don't know what's percolating yet, and after the acceptance phase, but at that point it's usually too late and the issues are different.


There's also the slight problem that some of the potential solutions are not things that anyone who works at a school can ever recommend or suggest. A counselor can never, for ethical and liability reasons, suggest to punch back. By going to the counselor the "victim" is effectively limiting their own response options.


It's a horrible conundrum for kids, parents and school officials because there are no solutions and every action creates a reaction. Acknowledging both the pros and cons is important. Counselors can be helpful but are not a solution.

In the end, what's your advice to OP? What do you think is OP's best path to helping her DD get through this?

The one from page 8?

A lot depends on the grade and the size of the school.

The primary and very serious issue is her depression. She should see the counselor but not because of the bullying. That won't be fixed. Right now she needs to care about herself and you need to look at different schools. Going to the counselor will help with that because you are going to need the school's help finding a new school.

This summer I would suggest a longish trip. The type of trip she can come back from with a rebuilt persona. Hanging out with older but youngish family without you would also help. She has noone she feels she can trust or that understands her.

The hope is that over the summer she can rebuild her confidence and start with a clean slate

Short term, I would suggest embracing being the one that stands alone. Teach her to flail her elbows when they push her. One "accidental" whack to the nose will make them think twice. Come up with some cutting insults to use if needed. If she has dirt, now is the time to spill it. But otherwise advise her to stay as far away from them as possible. Join whatever it is that those girls look down upon (thats where her allies might be found) and hope she finds something she likes.

Other than that you have to leave her alone because you are also in danger of making things worse. She's in a chrysalis and needs to rebuild her ego. The child you knew is gone. Your purpose is now to help guide whatever 2.0 comes out of this.

Wait, you think this girl should change schools over this situation?? Middle and high school are hard, the social drama sucks. It's also really common for things to get really uncomfortable because teens are learning to navigate hard situations and set their own boundaries. What are you teaching your daughter if the takeaway from the way these mean girls are acting (which is bad but not yet egregious or suspendable actions) is to totally disrupt all that is familiar to her and run to another school? What happens when she goes through all that, then her next school turns out to have typical teen social dynamics too? Still change schools again? Running away isn't going to develop her coping skills any better.

What do you think a parent should do if their child is engaging in self-harm, failing out of school and isolating themselves from family? That's not "typical teen social dynamics".

What "coping skills" do you think can be developed in their current situation?

I'm the PP you're replying to, and first off, stop catastrophising this situation. OP NEVER said her daughter is self-harming, and never said she's failing. She said this is taking a toll on her DD's mental health and her grades", but did not give details about either, so stop jumping to the worst conclusions.

Either way, what do I think the parent should do? Attend to her DD's mental health, first and foremost. Because if s/he doesn't attend to it, no matter where her DD goes to school, she's not going to be ok. OP has not named actually getting a therapist for her kid as one of her strategies or anything she's tried, so that is priority #1. Maybe OP should also see a therapist or parent coach too for herself.

Changing schools can sometimes be traumatic in and of itself, and maybe this is news to you but there probably isn't a middle or high school in the US that doesn't have at least some of these dynamics. So whatever is going on for OP in not knowing how to handle this, just moving schools does zero to actually help OP or OP's DD know how to handle this when it happens again. And it's likely to happen again.

DP- Whatever. I changed school for my daughter and she's thriving now. Your kids no longer have her as a punching bag and can worry about being next and then maybe you'll see how damaging this situation. Until then keep spouting off nonsense.

Please, do tell: Given OP's situation now, with daughter self-harming, bullies getting worse, OP totally stressed out and clueless about what else to do, they change schools. What if the same dynamic comes up again? Or what if the new school is even harder? I'm glad it worked for your family, but mean girls are in most schools and some version of this is very possible to happen again. So do tell: if OP goes straight to a search for a new school and they change schools, and this starts up again, explain to me what OP does then? Change schools a 2nd time? How does a focus on changing schools as the next action make anything better if it happens again in the new school if none of the other issues are addressed?

Because the girls at the other school were psychotic jerks? My daughter always had friends at camp, outside activities, and neighbors. That clear enough for you? She wasn’t the problem. You seem to have some of your own issues.

Not PP but no one here is saying she is the problem. Several people are saying different versions of this situation has become such a big problem, helping her now is most important. Op's daughter is different than yours, Op explained she doesn't have friends in lots of other places. And OP explained why changing schools isn't a solution. You'd be less angry if you paid attention to what is being said and not assuming what worked for you is priority for others.

No, if you’re saying everywhere she goes she’ll have the same problem. Then, yes, she’s the problem. That is definitely not always the case. The PP droning about that deserves to be called out. And I was always addressing my situation, because that PP was broadly talking about changing schools being traumatic because these problems are everywhere. Is there a nicer way tell that PP to Eff Off? You can run along as well too. Sometimes your hateful shits at these schools are the problem.

Wow can you even read? It's not that she'll have the same problem because she's problematic, it's that she'll have the same problem because middle and high school are both notoriously hard for most teens, and there are mean girls everywhere. How many posts in this forum about this exact type of issue in just the last 3 pages? Mean girls are a problem everywhere, and it's also the ages where figuring out social stuff is so hard. I've read through most of this thread and that's all said several times. Never mind, you are all wrapped up in wanting to be right and not interested in solving the problem. Are you just hurt that Op ruled out changing schools and you still have to prove your point? I just started replying to you, but now I know why others may not bother now. Waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem, as the school adminstrator/counselor points out, is that for a host of practical reasons the counselor cannot and does not know what is going on. The kids on the other hand all do. Thus when a kid goes to see the counselor it's noticed. When questions, no matter how general or circumspect, start getting asked that's noticed as well.

Meanwhile the parents only find out after the damage has been done and are generally dealing with the immediate fall out from whatever straw was placed upon their camel's back.

Counselors are good for helping in the beginning, but the adults don't know what's percolating yet, and after the acceptance phase, but at that point it's usually too late and the issues are different.


There's also the slight problem that some of the potential solutions are not things that anyone who works at a school can ever recommend or suggest. A counselor can never, for ethical and liability reasons, suggest to punch back. By going to the counselor the "victim" is effectively limiting their own response options.


It's a horrible conundrum for kids, parents and school officials because there are no solutions and every action creates a reaction. Acknowledging both the pros and cons is important. Counselors can be helpful but are not a solution.

In the end, what's your advice to OP? What do you think is OP's best path to helping her DD get through this?

The one from page 8?

A lot depends on the grade and the size of the school.

The primary and very serious issue is her depression. She should see the counselor but not because of the bullying. That won't be fixed. Right now she needs to care about herself and you need to look at different schools. Going to the counselor will help with that because you are going to need the school's help finding a new school.

This summer I would suggest a longish trip. The type of trip she can come back from with a rebuilt persona. Hanging out with older but youngish family without you would also help. She has noone she feels she can trust or that understands her.

The hope is that over the summer she can rebuild her confidence and start with a clean slate

Short term, I would suggest embracing being the one that stands alone. Teach her to flail her elbows when they push her. One "accidental" whack to the nose will make them think twice. Come up with some cutting insults to use if needed. If she has dirt, now is the time to spill it. But otherwise advise her to stay as far away from them as possible. Join whatever it is that those girls look down upon (thats where her allies might be found) and hope she finds something she likes.

Other than that you have to leave her alone because you are also in danger of making things worse. She's in a chrysalis and needs to rebuild her ego. The child you knew is gone. Your purpose is now to help guide whatever 2.0 comes out of this.

Wait, you think this girl should change schools over this situation?? Middle and high school are hard, the social drama sucks. It's also really common for things to get really uncomfortable because teens are learning to navigate hard situations and set their own boundaries. What are you teaching your daughter if the takeaway from the way these mean girls are acting (which is bad but not yet egregious or suspendable actions) is to totally disrupt all that is familiar to her and run to another school? What happens when she goes through all that, then her next school turns out to have typical teen social dynamics too? Still change schools again? Running away isn't going to develop her coping skills any better.

What do you think a parent should do if their child is engaging in self-harm, failing out of school and isolating themselves from family? That's not "typical teen social dynamics".

What "coping skills" do you think can be developed in their current situation?

I'm the PP you're replying to, and first off, stop catastrophising this situation. OP NEVER said her daughter is self-harming, and never said she's failing. She said this is taking a toll on her DD's mental health and her grades", but did not give details about either, so stop jumping to the worst conclusions.

Either way, what do I think the parent should do? Attend to her DD's mental health, first and foremost. Because if s/he doesn't attend to it, no matter where her DD goes to school, she's not going to be ok. OP has not named actually getting a therapist for her kid as one of her strategies or anything she's tried, so that is priority #1. Maybe OP should also see a therapist or parent coach too for herself.

Changing schools can sometimes be traumatic in and of itself, and maybe this is news to you but there probably isn't a middle or high school in the US that doesn't have at least some of these dynamics. So whatever is going on for OP in not knowing how to handle this, just moving schools does zero to actually help OP or OP's DD know how to handle this when it happens again. And it's likely to happen again.

DP- Whatever. I changed school for my daughter and she's thriving now. Your kids no longer have her as a punching bag and can worry about being next and then maybe you'll see how damaging this situation. Until then keep spouting off nonsense.

Please, do tell: Given OP's situation now, with daughter self-harming, bullies getting worse, OP totally stressed out and clueless about what else to do, they change schools. What if the same dynamic comes up again? Or what if the new school is even harder? I'm glad it worked for your family, but mean girls are in most schools and some version of this is very possible to happen again. So do tell: if OP goes straight to a search for a new school and they change schools, and this starts up again, explain to me what OP does then? Change schools a 2nd time? How does a focus on changing schools as the next action make anything better if it happens again in the new school if none of the other issues are addressed?

Because the girls at the other school were psychotic jerks? My daughter always had friends at camp, outside activities, and neighbors. That clear enough for you? She wasn’t the problem. You seem to have some of your own issues.

Not PP but no one here is saying she is the problem. Several people are saying different versions of this situation has become such a big problem, helping her now is most important. Op's daughter is different than yours, Op explained she doesn't have friends in lots of other places. And OP explained why changing schools isn't a solution. You'd be less angry if you paid attention to what is being said and not assuming what worked for you is priority for others.

No, if you’re saying everywhere she goes she’ll have the same problem. Then, yes, she’s the problem. That is definitely not always the case. The PP droning about that deserves to be called out. And I was always addressing my situation, because that PP was broadly talking about changing schools being traumatic because these problems are everywhere. Is there a nicer way tell that PP to Eff Off? You can run along as well too. Sometimes your hateful shits at these schools are the problem.

Wow can you even read? It's not that she'll have the same problem because she's problematic, it's that she'll have the same problem because middle and high school are both notoriously hard for most teens, and there are mean girls everywhere. How many posts in this forum about this exact type of issue in just the last 3 pages? Mean girls are a problem everywhere, and it's also the ages where figuring out social stuff is so hard. I've read through most of this thread and that's all said several times. Never mind, you are all wrapped up in wanting to be right and not interested in solving the problem. Are you just hurt that Op ruled out changing schools and you still have to prove your point? I just started replying to you, but now I know why others may not bother now. Waste of time.

Look, if you don’t experience maybe sit this out.
I solved this problem by changing schools. What problem did you ever solve? Do you have any real world experience or just nonsense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello all,
My kid is in the 8th grade, and she has been doing pretty good until now. One of her friends started randomly excluding her, and making sure she knows that she’s being excluded. Aside with other small problems, this has taken a toll on my daughter’s mental health, and grades. I know middle school friends are hard, but is there any way that I could help her with this? Anything I could say to make her feel better?

I’ve never understood why girls are so mean to each other. I hope your daughter finds real friends and that karma finds the kid aka ”friend” who is doing this to your child. She will end up a loser later in life.

Business school taught me that most mean people are deeply insecure. Tween & teen years are so confusing, so awkward, and the years when kids have to learn how to handle ambiguity, emotions (their own & other people’s), communication issues, all at the same time that being popular or unpopular becomes insanely important.

None of that is an excuse for meanness, but learning how to keep yourself safe, sane, and most importantly learning that what feels like a permanent, awful, mortifying reality… often passes in a day or even in an hour sometimes. OP’s DD is right to be particularly hurt by a longtime friend turning on her, that doesn’t go away in a day, but some humans are indeed awful so learning whatever coping skills possible to get through it is pretty much what middle & high school are all about.

Now I love being in meetings with important impressive people and being completely comfortable and unafraid of their opinions. Middle school me that cried every night because I had no friends and was left out has learned a lot about why people are the ways they are. And how to walk away mentally, and often physically, from the ones who are so caught up in themselves they suck the energy from the room, even if they’re a boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello all,
My kid is in the 8th grade, and she has been doing pretty good until now. One of her friends started randomly excluding her, and making sure she knows that she’s being excluded. Aside with other small problems, this has taken a toll on my daughter’s mental health, and grades. I know middle school friends are hard, but is there any way that I could help her with this? Anything I could say to make her feel better?

I’ve never understood why girls are so mean to each other. I hope your daughter finds real friends and that karma finds the kid aka ”friend” who is doing this to your child. She will end up a loser later in life.

Their parents encourage it. The mindset is “better their kid than mine” and they look the other way. Look at the posters even saying “don’t bother changing schools”. Sometimes a particular friend group with an apathetic admin who doesn’t want to get involved is the problem. Would you keep going back to the same job if you were bullied and harassed or would you change jobs? We don’t tell employees to suck it up because no place is better yet some think that is appropriate messaging for kids. That’s a cop out.

Well said

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello all,
My kid is in the 8th grade, and she has been doing pretty good until now. One of her friends started randomly excluding her, and making sure she knows that she’s being excluded. Aside with other small problems, this has taken a toll on my daughter’s mental health, and grades. I know middle school friends are hard, but is there any way that I could help her with this? Anything I could say to make her feel better?

I’ve never understood why girls are so mean to each other. I hope your daughter finds real friends and that karma finds the kid aka ”friend” who is doing this to your child. She will end up a loser later in life.

Business school taught me that most mean people are deeply insecure. Tween & teen years are so confusing, so awkward, and the years when kids have to learn how to handle ambiguity, emotions (their own & other people’s), communication issues, all at the same time that being popular or unpopular becomes insanely important.

None of that is an excuse for meanness, but learning how to keep yourself safe, sane, and most importantly learning that what feels like a permanent, awful, mortifying reality… often passes in a day or even in an hour sometimes. OP’s DD is right to be particularly hurt by a longtime friend turning on her, that doesn’t go away in a day, but some humans are indeed awful so learning whatever coping skills possible to get through it is pretty much what middle & high school are all about.

Now I love being in meetings with important impressive people and being completely comfortable and unafraid of their opinions. Middle school me that cried every night because I had no friends and was left out has learned a lot about why people are the ways they are. And how to walk away mentally, and often physically, from the ones who are so caught up in themselves they suck the energy from the room, even if they’re a boss.

This is inspirational but you must be an outlier. You managed to figure it out but for every one of you, there must be four or five so impacted by social bullying that their life is forever impacted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello all,
My kid is in the 8th grade, and she has been doing pretty good until now. One of her friends started randomly excluding her, and making sure she knows that she’s being excluded. Aside with other small problems, this has taken a toll on my daughter’s mental health, and grades. I know middle school friends are hard, but is there any way that I could help her with this? Anything I could say to make her feel better?

I’ve never understood why girls are so mean to each other. I hope your daughter finds real friends and that karma finds the kid aka ”friend” who is doing this to your child. She will end up a loser later in life.

Business school taught me that most mean people are deeply insecure. Tween & teen years are so confusing, so awkward, and the years when kids have to learn how to handle ambiguity, emotions (their own & other people’s), communication issues, all at the same time that being popular or unpopular becomes insanely important.

None of that is an excuse for meanness, but learning how to keep yourself safe, sane, and most importantly learning that what feels like a permanent, awful, mortifying reality… often passes in a day or even in an hour sometimes. OP’s DD is right to be particularly hurt by a longtime friend turning on her, that doesn’t go away in a day, but some humans are indeed awful so learning whatever coping skills possible to get through it is pretty much what middle & high school are all about.

Now I love being in meetings with important impressive people and being completely comfortable and unafraid of their opinions. Middle school me that cried every night because I had no friends and was left out has learned a lot about why people are the ways they are. And how to walk away mentally, and often physically, from the ones who are so caught up in themselves they suck the energy from the room, even if they’re a boss.

This is inspirational but you must be an outlier. You managed to figure it out but for every one of you, there must be four or five so impacted by social bullying that their life is forever impacted.

It impacted me forever too. You don't cry all the time for 2 years and not feel permanently impacted. I was lucky though that my parents were good at coaching me through it, at least good at getting me out to other environments and they also stood up for me at the school, although it took a long time for it to stop. I'm just saying it took grad school to really understand how fragile bullies are. Not in a way that they should be sympathized with, but they are so weak, and it was a really good lesson to learn. Pushing through it in grade school and then learning how to extricate myself in grad school were both gamechangers. You're right though, for every kid who has parents defend them at school and who pushes through it, there are many more kids whose parents don't know how to advocate, or kids who don't get coaching on how to push through, or other things that make them break, which is also understandable, it's such a horrible pressure.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind there are also kids that don’t tel their parents at all. Keep it within for the whole year or more. Please check on your kids, even if they seem happy they could definitely be secretly crying themselves to sleep. That was me all throughout 8th grade. My friends talked crap about me, left me out, grades dropped, and it was a horrible horrible time. You never know what’s happening in someone else’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind there are also kids that don’t tel their parents at all. Keep it within for the whole year or more. Please check on your kids, even if they seem happy they could definitely be secretly crying themselves to sleep. That was me all throughout 8th grade. My friends talked crap about me, left me out, grades dropped, and it was a horrible horrible time. You never know what’s happening in someone else’s life.

I think there are often signs. It's on the parent to dig into it though. Grades dropping, no social plans, moping around, sullen, etc. Kids may offer up excuses but if the answers aren't satisfactory they should reach out to the school.