Dad fell, SIL lives closest

Anonymous
Every-time I see this post pop up my brain plays tricks on me and I think its says Dad Fell, Sister lives in the closet.
Anonymous
There's a really ugly undercurrent developing here where it's clear in some people's minds that SIL made her bed by stepping up to do the right thing, so now she should lie in it. Like there's no moral obligation towards your parents outside of what you can be forced to do, and whichever kid forgets that truism and stupidly steps forward to help out deserves to drown under the responsibility.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Every-time I see this post pop up my brain plays tricks on me and I think its says Dad Fell, Sister lives in the closet.


My brain does that with "the boys are not all right" thread and makes it "the boys are not alt right" every time.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. A lot of these replies have been so judgmental and hurtful. I found more insightful and less catty replies elsewhere, both in real life and on other boards geared to midlife issues. I don't know why people take such perverse glee in whipping up trouble and creating fake scenarios about my unemployed husband doing nothing and about me putting up roadblocks while I'm trying to hold down a job so we're both not unemployed.

I asked my supervisor about the business travel and was given a stern no, this was planned for almost a year. Not going isn't an option, and I lost face with my boss. It was an incredibly awkward conversation and I feel as if I wouldn't have done it had I not read so many replies that made me feel like a complete lout of an in-law. I am just trying to do the right thing for everyone.

I would really suggest thinking more compassionately in your replies here. It might be an anonymous board but real people are involved.


You really need to stop lecturing everyone, toots. Your SIL likely knows your husband is unemployed, right? So for weeks he's been allowing her to be the primary caregiver while I bet she has been waiting for her brother to step the hell up. Well, he hasn't. So now she has reached a critical point when she can't take more time off. If your husband had been more equitable from the start this situation would likely not have materialized. Now everyone is in crisis. Your husband needs to drive there this weekend, pack up dad and bring him home. There are other doctors. Give your SIL the real break she desperately needs. You guys have been doing the bare minimum forcing her to speak up.


NP, you are lecturing too. Since you are taking a backwards look - I will too. SIL knows the amount of leave she has and lives with her father 24/7 and is therefore best positioned to know what FIL needs. It appears she did not speak up in advance but left everything to the very end, making this a crisis when if she was an adult and had a little bit of long range thinking/planning, much could be avoided. My heart goes out to SIL to be sure, but really, she couldn't have discussed this with her brother weeks ago? Also, I don't see how 1 week will solve anything. SIL is out of leave. Her continuing to present it this way shows how she is on her way to making a big deal into an even bigger deal.

She obviously did speak up, because her unemployed brother has been going up 1 day a week. He knows that she needs help and has needed help for several weeks. He or OP just refused to go help more.

1 week will absolutey help. She will get a chance to breathe. They can both have indepth discussions over what needs to happen. He can go tour facilities. Is it a final solution? Absolutely not. It's a life jacket, to throw out to someone dealing with a very difficult situation when all OP is doing is making things more difficult.


Brother going up 1 day/week does not mean sister discussed long-rang planning or she asked for more help. Complete non-sequitor.
What's going to happen after 1 week? Nothing, unless they actually make a plan.

You are so eager to lay this all at the feet of OP and her DH; our whole response lacks credibility.


We dont know that either! Clearly she is asking for help now, and she clearly asked for help then, otherwise he wouldn't be going up at all. You are trying to judge how strongly she asked for help, whereas some of us are saying she shouldn't have had to pressure this hard. He's fcking unemployed!


You are inventing a scenario. SHE OFFERED TO TAKE HIM IN. Where is anyone pressuring anyone?? Good gravy!

I am saying "pressuring" as in pressuring him to come for a week. You are getting angry at your own misunderstanding.


No. You are saying that the spouse here was "pressured" when it says no such thing. She offered to take the parent in, so clearly she wanted to and wasn't pressuring anyone for outside help.

The op says SIL asked him to come for the next full week. OP said no. Does it matter if there was pressure? There was a request made, and OP is trying deny it and make every excuse in the book why her precious unemployed husband cant go and help his father and sister.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:There's a really ugly undercurrent developing here where it's clear in some people's minds that SIL made her bed by stepping up to do the right thing, so now she should lie in it. Like there's no moral obligation towards your parents outside of what you can be forced to do, and whichever kid forgets that truism and stupidly steps forward to help out deserves to drown under the responsibility.

"But SIL took him in! She knew what she was getting into! Why should someone with a penis go help if it inconveniences me?!"

OP would rather he was left on the street?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:There's a really ugly undercurrent developing here where it's clear in some people's minds that SIL made her bed by stepping up to do the right thing, so now she should lie in it. Like there's no moral obligation towards your parents outside of what you can be forced to do, and whichever kid forgets that truism and stupidly steps forward to help out deserves to drown under the responsibility.


I really don't think that's true at all. I'm the OP and popped back to see what happened on the thread. I feel demonized because I asked for help here. Somehow I "DGAF" and played the issue down to my boss (?), and I'm also backtracking and married to some kind of lazy bum who is happy to let his sister do everything. And also, I should pull my kids out of school for a week (?) or take them with me on a business trip (!) -- and if someone (or I) explain that this isn't doable, I'm a horrible human. This clearly struck a chord in terms of family dynamics and gender roles. More plot twists than White Lotus!

In reality: Everyone is trying to trudge through and do what's best. My SIL and my husband agreed on the schedule at the outset. (I didn't even mention his other sibling who hasn't helped at all, but I'm sure drawing them in would be labeled as backtracking or making excuses here.) SIL is now realizing that the caregiving is more demanding than she realized, and it ate away at more time than she imagined. This happens. Some of the anonymous people here are angrier than my SIL (who isn't angry at all...).

Sadly, not every boss is understanding. It caused friction and yes, I explained the situation and didn't "downplay" it, despite the comments. I cannot not go. It's amazing that some of you have never been between this rock and this hard place, but a lot of people are. It's not an unusual scenario.

The good news is, FIL can enroll in respite care -- something my DH orchestrated by calling (from home). Hopefully this thread can now fade into obscurity.


Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. A lot of these replies have been so judgmental and hurtful. I found more insightful and less catty replies elsewhere, both in real life and on other boards geared to midlife issues. I don't know why people take such perverse glee in whipping up trouble and creating fake scenarios about my unemployed husband doing nothing and about me putting up roadblocks while I'm trying to hold down a job so we're both not unemployed.

I asked my supervisor about the business travel and was given a stern no, this was planned for almost a year. Not going isn't an option, and I lost face with my boss. It was an incredibly awkward conversation and I feel as if I wouldn't have done it had I not read so many replies that made me feel like a complete lout of an in-law. I am just trying to do the right thing for everyone.

I would really suggest thinking more compassionately in your replies here. It might be an anonymous board but real people are involved.


You really need to stop lecturing everyone, toots. Your SIL likely knows your husband is unemployed, right? So for weeks he's been allowing her to be the primary caregiver while I bet she has been waiting for her brother to step the hell up. Well, he hasn't. So now she has reached a critical point when she can't take more time off. If your husband had been more equitable from the start this situation would likely not have materialized. Now everyone is in crisis. Your husband needs to drive there this weekend, pack up dad and bring him home. There are other doctors. Give your SIL the real break she desperately needs. You guys have been doing the bare minimum forcing her to speak up.


NP, you are lecturing too. Since you are taking a backwards look - I will too. SIL knows the amount of leave she has and lives with her father 24/7 and is therefore best positioned to know what FIL needs. It appears she did not speak up in advance but left everything to the very end, making this a crisis when if she was an adult and had a little bit of long range thinking/planning, much could be avoided. My heart goes out to SIL to be sure, but really, she couldn't have discussed this with her brother weeks ago? Also, I don't see how 1 week will solve anything. SIL is out of leave. Her continuing to present it this way shows how she is on her way to making a big deal into an even bigger deal.

She obviously did speak up, because her unemployed brother has been going up 1 day a week. He knows that she needs help and has needed help for several weeks. He or OP just refused to go help more.

1 week will absolutey help. She will get a chance to breathe. They can both have indepth discussions over what needs to happen. He can go tour facilities. Is it a final solution? Absolutely not. It's a life jacket, to throw out to someone dealing with a very difficult situation when all OP is doing is making things more difficult.


Brother going up 1 day/week does not mean sister discussed long-rang planning or she asked for more help. Complete non-sequitor.
What's going to happen after 1 week? Nothing, unless they actually make a plan.

You are so eager to lay this all at the feet of OP and her DH; our whole response lacks credibility.


We dont know that either! Clearly she is asking for help now, and she clearly asked for help then, otherwise he wouldn't be going up at all. You are trying to judge how strongly she asked for help, whereas some of us are saying she shouldn't have had to pressure this hard. He's fcking unemployed!


Just because you ask, doesn’t mean everyone else can or should be expected to drop everything for next week. Because that’s what you are saying. DH may be unemployed but his actions still affect his family.

Now you are all going to say: but SIL dropped everything! SIL also made choices without consulting her brother and without planning ahead. It isn’t going to be smooth sailing all the time.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:There's a really ugly undercurrent developing here where it's clear in some people's minds that SIL made her bed by stepping up to do the right thing, so now she should lie in it. Like there's no moral obligation towards your parents outside of what you can be forced to do, and whichever kid forgets that truism and stupidly steps forward to help out deserves to drown under the responsibility.


SIL unilaterally made choices. But she cannot dictate other people’s choices.

I find it fascinating how many posters clearly see themselves in SIL’s shoes, not OP’s. There is too much IL hate on these threads to believe that most of these women are letting work and kids get disrupted for an IL.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There's a really ugly undercurrent developing here where it's clear in some people's minds that SIL made her bed by stepping up to do the right thing, so now she should lie in it. Like there's no moral obligation towards your parents outside of what you can be forced to do, and whichever kid forgets that truism and stupidly steps forward to help out deserves to drown under the responsibility.


I really don't think that's true at all. I'm the OP and popped back to see what happened on the thread. I feel demonized because I asked for help here. Somehow I "DGAF" and played the issue down to my boss (?), and I'm also backtracking and married to some kind of lazy bum who is happy to let his sister do everything. And also, I should pull my kids out of school for a week (?) or take them with me on a business trip (!) -- and if someone (or I) explain that this isn't doable, I'm a horrible human. This clearly struck a chord in terms of family dynamics and gender roles. More plot twists than White Lotus!

In reality: Everyone is trying to trudge through and do what's best. My SIL and my husband agreed on the schedule at the outset. (I didn't even mention his other sibling who hasn't helped at all, but I'm sure drawing them in would be labeled as backtracking or making excuses here.) SIL is now realizing that the caregiving is more demanding than she realized, and it ate away at more time than she imagined. This happens. Some of the anonymous people here are angrier than my SIL (who isn't angry at all...).

Sadly, not every boss is understanding. It caused friction and yes, I explained the situation and didn't "downplay" it, despite the comments. I cannot not go. It's amazing that some of you have never been between this rock and this hard place, but a lot of people are. It's not an unusual scenario.

The good news is, FIL can enroll in respite care -- something my DH orchestrated by calling (from home). Hopefully this thread can now fade into obscurity.




I wasn't talking about you in particular, but specifically the last three pages of replies. Multiple posts about how SIL asked him to move in, so she needs to figure it out; how SIL didn't plan out the entire course of FIL's care and insist on help from her brother sooner, so that's her fault for not communicating well enough; etc. It seems pretty obvious to anyone with a heart that the kid who lives closest will respond first simply because they can, but that has been twisted into "well it's her problem, she should've thought about that sooner" by the responses on this thread.

I'm glad you have gotten FIL into respite care.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There's a really ugly undercurrent developing here where it's clear in some people's minds that SIL made her bed by stepping up to do the right thing, so now she should lie in it. Like there's no moral obligation towards your parents outside of what you can be forced to do, and whichever kid forgets that truism and stupidly steps forward to help out deserves to drown under the responsibility.


I really don't think that's true at all. I'm the OP and popped back to see what happened on the thread. I feel demonized because I asked for help here. Somehow I "DGAF" and played the issue down to my boss (?), and I'm also backtracking and married to some kind of lazy bum who is happy to let his sister do everything. And also, I should pull my kids out of school for a week (?) or take them with me on a business trip (!) -- and if someone (or I) explain that this isn't doable, I'm a horrible human. This clearly struck a chord in terms of family dynamics and gender roles. More plot twists than White Lotus!

In reality: Everyone is trying to trudge through and do what's best. My SIL and my husband agreed on the schedule at the outset. (I didn't even mention his other sibling who hasn't helped at all, but I'm sure drawing them in would be labeled as backtracking or making excuses here.) SIL is now realizing that the caregiving is more demanding than she realized, and it ate away at more time than she imagined. This happens. Some of the anonymous people here are angrier than my SIL (who isn't angry at all...).

Sadly, not every boss is understanding. It caused friction and yes, I explained the situation and didn't "downplay" it, despite the comments. I cannot not go. It's amazing that some of you have never been between this rock and this hard place, but a lot of people are. It's not an unusual scenario.

The good news is, FIL can enroll in respite care -- something my DH orchestrated by calling (from home). Hopefully this thread can now fade into obscurity.




I wasn't talking about you in particular, but specifically the last three pages of replies. Multiple posts about how SIL asked him to move in, so she needs to figure it out; how SIL didn't plan out the entire course of FIL's care and insist on help from her brother sooner, so that's her fault for not communicating well enough; etc. It seems pretty obvious to anyone with a heart that the kid who lives closest will respond first simply because they can, but that has been twisted into "well it's her problem, she should've thought about that sooner" by the responses on this thread.

I'm glad you have gotten FIL into respite care.


Do you think if SIL properly communicated on going back to work weeks ago things would look different? That everyone would of course understand her DH should be home with the kids when OP is out of town.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There's a really ugly undercurrent developing here where it's clear in some people's minds that SIL made her bed by stepping up to do the right thing, so now she should lie in it. Like there's no moral obligation towards your parents outside of what you can be forced to do, and whichever kid forgets that truism and stupidly steps forward to help out deserves to drown under the responsibility.


I really don't think that's true at all. I'm the OP and popped back to see what happened on the thread. I feel demonized because I asked for help here. Somehow I "DGAF" and played the issue down to my boss (?), and I'm also backtracking and married to some kind of lazy bum who is happy to let his sister do everything. And also, I should pull my kids out of school for a week (?) or take them with me on a business trip (!) -- and if someone (or I) explain that this isn't doable, I'm a horrible human. This clearly struck a chord in terms of family dynamics and gender roles. More plot twists than White Lotus!

In reality: Everyone is trying to trudge through and do what's best. My SIL and my husband agreed on the schedule at the outset. (I didn't even mention his other sibling who hasn't helped at all, but I'm sure drawing them in would be labeled as backtracking or making excuses here.) SIL is now realizing that the caregiving is more demanding than she realized, and it ate away at more time than she imagined. This happens. Some of the anonymous people here are angrier than my SIL (who isn't angry at all...).

Sadly, not every boss is understanding. It caused friction and yes, I explained the situation and didn't "downplay" it, despite the comments. I cannot not go. It's amazing that some of you have never been between this rock and this hard place, but a lot of people are. It's not an unusual scenario.

The good news is, FIL can enroll in respite care -- something my DH orchestrated by calling (from home). Hopefully this thread can now fade into obscurity.



So he's still not going to help out? Poor SIL. You dont know if she is angry or not, but you do know shes exhausted and out of PTO. Your severe lack of care towards her is really startling.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There's a really ugly undercurrent developing here where it's clear in some people's minds that SIL made her bed by stepping up to do the right thing, so now she should lie in it. Like there's no moral obligation towards your parents outside of what you can be forced to do, and whichever kid forgets that truism and stupidly steps forward to help out deserves to drown under the responsibility.


I really don't think that's true at all. I'm the OP and popped back to see what happened on the thread. I feel demonized because I asked for help here. Somehow I "DGAF" and played the issue down to my boss (?), and I'm also backtracking and married to some kind of lazy bum who is happy to let his sister do everything. And also, I should pull my kids out of school for a week (?) or take them with me on a business trip (!) -- and if someone (or I) explain that this isn't doable, I'm a horrible human. This clearly struck a chord in terms of family dynamics and gender roles. More plot twists than White Lotus!

In reality: Everyone is trying to trudge through and do what's best. My SIL and my husband agreed on the schedule at the outset. (I didn't even mention his other sibling who hasn't helped at all, but I'm sure drawing them in would be labeled as backtracking or making excuses here.) SIL is now realizing that the caregiving is more demanding than she realized, and it ate away at more time than she imagined. This happens. Some of the anonymous people here are angrier than my SIL (who isn't angry at all...).

Sadly, not every boss is understanding. It caused friction and yes, I explained the situation and didn't "downplay" it, despite the comments. I cannot not go. It's amazing that some of you have never been between this rock and this hard place, but a lot of people are. It's not an unusual scenario.

The good news is, FIL can enroll in respite care -- something my DH orchestrated by calling (from home). Hopefully this thread can now fade into obscurity.



So he's still not going to help out? Poor SIL. You dont know if she is angry or not, but you do know shes exhausted and out of PTO. Your severe lack of care towards her is really startling.


I think you may need to let this go.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There's a really ugly undercurrent developing here where it's clear in some people's minds that SIL made her bed by stepping up to do the right thing, so now she should lie in it. Like there's no moral obligation towards your parents outside of what you can be forced to do, and whichever kid forgets that truism and stupidly steps forward to help out deserves to drown under the responsibility.


I really don't think that's true at all. I'm the OP and popped back to see what happened on the thread. I feel demonized because I asked for help here. Somehow I "DGAF" and played the issue down to my boss (?), and I'm also backtracking and married to some kind of lazy bum who is happy to let his sister do everything. And also, I should pull my kids out of school for a week (?) or take them with me on a business trip (!) -- and if someone (or I) explain that this isn't doable, I'm a horrible human. This clearly struck a chord in terms of family dynamics and gender roles. More plot twists than White Lotus!

In reality: Everyone is trying to trudge through and do what's best. My SIL and my husband agreed on the schedule at the outset. (I didn't even mention his other sibling who hasn't helped at all, but I'm sure drawing them in would be labeled as backtracking or making excuses here.) SIL is now realizing that the caregiving is more demanding than she realized, and it ate away at more time than she imagined. This happens. Some of the anonymous people here are angrier than my SIL (who isn't angry at all...).

Sadly, not every boss is understanding. It caused friction and yes, I explained the situation and didn't "downplay" it, despite the comments. I cannot not go. It's amazing that some of you have never been between this rock and this hard place, but a lot of people are. It's not an unusual scenario.

The good news is, FIL can enroll in respite care -- something my DH orchestrated by calling (from home). Hopefully this thread can now fade into obscurity.




I wasn't talking about you in particular, but specifically the last three pages of replies. Multiple posts about how SIL asked him to move in, so she needs to figure it out; how SIL didn't plan out the entire course of FIL's care and insist on help from her brother sooner, so that's her fault for not communicating well enough; etc. It seems pretty obvious to anyone with a heart that the kid who lives closest will respond first simply because they can, but that has been twisted into "well it's her problem, she should've thought about that sooner" by the responses on this thread.

I'm glad you have gotten FIL into respite care.

Even the post directly above you! What is wrong with these people?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There's a really ugly undercurrent developing here where it's clear in some people's minds that SIL made her bed by stepping up to do the right thing, so now she should lie in it. Like there's no moral obligation towards your parents outside of what you can be forced to do, and whichever kid forgets that truism and stupidly steps forward to help out deserves to drown under the responsibility.


I really don't think that's true at all. I'm the OP and popped back to see what happened on the thread. I feel demonized because I asked for help here. Somehow I "DGAF" and played the issue down to my boss (?), and I'm also backtracking and married to some kind of lazy bum who is happy to let his sister do everything. And also, I should pull my kids out of school for a week (?) or take them with me on a business trip (!) -- and if someone (or I) explain that this isn't doable, I'm a horrible human. This clearly struck a chord in terms of family dynamics and gender roles. More plot twists than White Lotus!

In reality: Everyone is trying to trudge through and do what's best. My SIL and my husband agreed on the schedule at the outset. (I didn't even mention his other sibling who hasn't helped at all, but I'm sure drawing them in would be labeled as backtracking or making excuses here.) SIL is now realizing that the caregiving is more demanding than she realized, and it ate away at more time than she imagined. This happens. Some of the anonymous people here are angrier than my SIL (who isn't angry at all...).

Sadly, not every boss is understanding. It caused friction and yes, I explained the situation and didn't "downplay" it, despite the comments. I cannot not go. It's amazing that some of you have never been between this rock and this hard place, but a lot of people are. It's not an unusual scenario.

The good news is, FIL can enroll in respite care -- something my DH orchestrated by calling (from home). Hopefully this thread can now fade into obscurity.



So he's still not going to help out? Poor SIL. You dont know if she is angry or not, but you do know shes exhausted and out of PTO. Your severe lack of care towards her is really startling.


if FIL is going to respite care, then should help with SIL's exhaustion. But since you are still focused on OP, I don't really think you actually care much about SIL.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There's a really ugly undercurrent developing here where it's clear in some people's minds that SIL made her bed by stepping up to do the right thing, so now she should lie in it. Like there's no moral obligation towards your parents outside of what you can be forced to do, and whichever kid forgets that truism and stupidly steps forward to help out deserves to drown under the responsibility.


I really don't think that's true at all. I'm the OP


Yeah, OP, we know you don't think you and your DH have any obligations here. We know you think paying bills online is heroic.

No one is expecting you to inconvenience yourself in the slightest.
post reply Forum Index » Family Relationships
Message Quick Reply
Go to: