Neighbors are nice - but bad influence - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

We just moved to a neighborhood and were initially thrilled that the neighbors have kids around my daughter's age (5). But, the more we spend time with them, the more I am realizing that their parenting style is vastly different than ours.

They are nice people, but very rough around the edges. They use bad language around the kids all the time (not the minor slip-up), are very messy/dirty - the inside of their house is grose, drink a lot to the point of being buzzed and don't supervise their kids (kids are dropping food everywhere in the house, climb furniture, etc.)

My daughter enjoys playing with them and we like they are very social people. Unfortunately, no other kids in the neighborhood (believe me we have looked!).

I have started limiting the time my daughter spends over there and as much as I wish I could just send her there to play, i feel like I need to go as well to make sure nothing goes wrong. I invite the kids over to our house so I can monitor, but I still feel some of their qualities rubbing off on my daughter.

What to do?

[Anonymous]

We are sort of THAT family, a little. We cuss. I drink a beer if I feel like it at 6 pm even when DS has a playdate. While we do keep up our hygiene unlike your neighbors (!), we are rougher around the edges for sure than all our immediate neighbors.

My kid runs outside to ride his scooter in his boxers sometimes, for example.

Anyway, I'm posting with a suggestion for action. Keep your daughter "busy" will all manner of activities so you can say you're busy when she asks to play with the Hillbillies OR when they try to connect with you. Seriously, lots of art projects, reading, other playdates from school at your home, trips to the park, lessons, etc.

[Anonymous]

OMG, what do you do when she climbs the sofa??

[Anonymous]

Be happy your daughter has a place to go where she can be a normal kid. A kid that never drops food or climbs on furniture is likely to grow into a stodgy, boring, judgmental adult unless she gets some positive external influences in her life.

[Anonymous]

I don't let my DD climb furniture either, because it can be dangerous. She has, in fact, hurt herself while bouncing on the couch.

[Anonymous]

It's important that you let her know the expectations you have for her and for those who enter your home.

Maybe supervising more visits to your place would be a good thing, just so your little one sees what behaviors are appropriate.

I'm not sure what qualities you see rubbing off on your little one, so I can't address any of that specifically. But I can share that I won't let my children watch certain TV channels because I just can't stand the tone. I'm sure if I had neighbors like the ones you describe, I'd make an effort to use it all as a teaching opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be happy your daughter has a place to go where she can be a normal kid. A kid that never drops food or climbs on furniture is likely to grow into a stodgy, boring, judgmental adult unless she gets some positive external influences in her life.

I do think it's funny that many of the posters here were allowed to be children growing up but refuse to allow their own children to be kids.

But then if you are correct in your theory, then where did these posters come from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, what do you do when she climbs the sofa??

OP here - ha ha - not talking about a couch - more like a tall shelving unit that isn't attached to a wall, or trying to hang from the overhead light fixture above the dining room table (I personally witnessed this happening). The mom told me that they have been meaning to attach it since all the kids gravitate to it and it has fallen on top of them numerous times. I do have to say though is that these kids are tough as nails. I'd like some of that to rub off on my kid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be happy your daughter has a place to go where she can be a normal kid. A kid that never drops food or climbs on furniture is likely to grow into a stodgy, boring, judgmental adult unless she gets some positive external influences in her life.

I am ok with food being dropped, but I expect her to clean it. In the neighbor's case - it will sit there forever. The little one is potty training and they have the potty in one of the rooms and it has had the same piece of shit sitting in there for several days now. Last time I was there the mom covered it with newspaper and said that she really needs to get around to cleaning it. They have a serious ant problem, it is THAt bad.

I just want to make it clear I am not a crazed neat freak, but I do value some level of cleanliness and order.

[Anonymous]

ok, the neighbors sound pretty disgusting. You can be fun and not too uptight without being downright filthy. I'm not sure I'd let my child play in a really dirty house; you can get bad things from feces and vermin, for example. Yuck. I grew up in a very neat house (though we were totally allowed/encouraged to play in the mud, as long as we hosed off outside and took off our shoes before coming in) and believe me, I knew the difference between my house and my friends' houses whose parents were slobs. I actually wouldn't eat at a couple of their houses (in grade school) that were super messy. I would have a hard time with this too, OP.

[Anonymous]

I would always say that your daughter has plans. They will eventually get the hint. We had these issues with two different neighbors. One neighbor's kid is out of control and lacks any discipline (or has some undiagnosed problem). The other neighbor child has a mother with OCD and is clearly overparented. The child acts out and has even hit me. You wont be able to shelter your child forever though.

[Anonymous]

I'd be less worried about dropped food and furniture-climbing than I would be about tipsy adults caring for my kids.

I'd have playdates at my house, not theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, what do you do when she climbs the sofa??

OP here - ha ha - not talking about a couch - more like a tall shelving unit that isn't attached to a wall, or trying to hang from the overhead light fixture above the dining room table (I personally witnessed this happening). The mom told me that they have been meaning to attach it since all the kids gravitate to it and it has fallen on top of them numerous times. I do have to say though is that these kids are tough as nails. I'd like some of that to rub off on my kid!

You've put your finger on the paradox of modern parenting. Our parenting style is "Willy Wonka" style: when DD does something that's potentially dangerous (but not life-threatening), I mention that it might be dangerous. Then she falls and whacks her head. Or she doesn't. She climbs on the couch. She falls off the couch. She climbs a tree. She falls out of a tree.

She's tough as nails, too. But you don't get that way by growing up in a cocoon of bubble-wrap with a parent hovering over you bleating, "Careful! Careful! Careful!"

[Anonymous]

If you dont let your children climb a bookshelf, they are going to anyway. But they will do it when you arent in the room. Perhaps when you are outside, or taking a nap, or in the shower. Then they will be stuck under a bookshelf and you won't be able to help them. They could bleed out.

Seriously, kids are going to be kids. If they want to climb on furniture, they will find a way to do so. If they want to watch a tv show and you won't let them, they will do so at their friend's house.

However the poop in the potty part is gross.

[Anonymous]

We have a neighbor with a house that is so gross it should be condemned. There are several children that live there and none of them have ever really been parented. Luckily they are really good, although odd, children. My kids are often invited over but are allergic to their many animals. They have at least a dozen pets. They have so many in fact that when one of the kids spent the night here I had to bathe her, give her dd's clothes, and wash everything she brought with her. Not because it stank to high hell (because it did) but because she was setting off our allergies. It wasn't the kid's fault she smelled like cat pee and the sad part is her parents so very detached from it all. The mom seems depressed and the dad is either working or out with his buddies.