How do I tell her I don’t want to buy dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do is talk to the mother and get a feel for her to see if you think she's actually asking this.

I grew up poor in an unstable home with an abusive mom. 100% she would do this, and 100% she would beat me if I didn’t. Take him less frequently and when you do, order something less expensive that checks the box please. Eg, box up the bread from the table, order pasta. He’ll remember your kindness his entire life, I promise.

I’m so sorry. But thank you for posting here. I’m getting so angry at the people in this thread who don’t believe it. People should have to spend some time as teachers at lower income schools before they are allowed to vote.

I can’t say what is going on with this child but if you really don’t believe that this happens, you are completely out of touch with the lives of so many people and should be ashamed.

And you’re also completely clueless if you don’t realize that some people will take advantage.

[Anonymous]

I would continue inviting him, but only allow him to order one meal. If he gets upset about getting in trouble, ask him to have his mom call you to talk about it.

But no, I'm not feeding someone elses entire family in restaurant take out.

[Anonymous]

No need to overthink this. Just keep setting the boundary and treating the friend to his meal only (which is still generous). If you have ordered family style, send him home with all the leftovers. If he keeps pushing it, stop inviting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only on DCUM would people be offended by a kid asking for FOOD. He's not asking for toys or something. It's FOOD for goodness sake! Many low-income family can't afford Chipotle or Dominos or anything outside what you might get at a food pantry, so having that as a treat once a month or so would brighten their spirits.

For folks saying this is a slippery slope to the family asking for more - that's when OP can stop their generosity. But right now, it's FOOD!

It’s not FOOD mom wants. She wants takeout from a restaurant. She has access to FOOD. There are many resources that will provide a hungry family FOOD. She really needs FOOD then she can ask for a grocery card so she can go to giant and buy herself lots of bags of FOOD.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being vague because this is a sensitive topic. DS is in a group activity and has become close friends with another kid in the same group. That kid comes from a low income family(this might be relevant). We take DS out for dinner after that activity, and his friend often asks to come. We pay for his friend, of course, and are fine with that. However, recently he has been ordering additional meals on top of his own to go, all on our tab. He says that his mother told him to bring home food for her and his siblings. We gently pushed back the first time, but he got visibly upset and said he would get into a lot of trouble at home if he didn’t bring additional food home because his mother says it’s unfair that he gets to eat out and the rest of his family doesn’t. I’m not sure what to do here. We can afford to pay for it, although it’s not cheap, it just rubs me the wrong way. On the other hand, though, I’m concerned that if I refuse, I’m going to put him in a bad situation with his family and/or his mother will tell him that he’s no longer allowed to join us. I would prefer for that not to happen, both because he is a good friend to DS and because I don’t want him to be punished for his mother’s choices. They are both 11 years old. What would you do?

Two things stand out to me, bolded above. This is coming from his mom and she's probably abusive. That's quite the reaction to have if it was just his idea. The "unfair" also says that the mom did not send him with money to pick up food to bring home.

Disagree with the posters who cannot imagine a grown woman telling her 11 year old to take advantage of his friends' parents like this. I can 100% imagine it, having witnessed the "taker" mentality from a family we tried to help. They think you've got the money, so why shouldn't you spend it on them? I like the idea of the poster who said she stopped by fast-food on the way home. I wouldn't cut this kid off, and I'd definitely want to know more about his home life. And I wouldn't bring this up to the mom. She knows. He comes home with a ton of extra food--if she wasn't a moocher-type, she would have been mortified, spoken to you about it, and made sure he never did it again. That this is a recurring thing says she knows and is expecting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only on DCUM would people be offended by a kid asking for FOOD. He's not asking for toys or something. It's FOOD for goodness sake! Many low-income family can't afford Chipotle or Dominos or anything outside what you might get at a food pantry, so having that as a treat once a month or so would brighten their spirits.

For folks saying this is a slippery slope to the family asking for more - that's when OP can stop their generosity. But right now, it's FOOD!

It’s not FOOD mom wants. She wants takeout from a restaurant. She has access to FOOD. There are many resources that will provide a hungry family FOOD. She really needs FOOD then she can ask for a grocery card so she can go to giant and buy herself lots of bags of FOOD.

+1000

Yep, this. I was fairly poor in my early 20s and during that time I was not eating in restaurants and I also did not buy beverages and desserts. Everyone is not owed restaurant food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do is talk to the mother and get a feel for her to see if you think she's actually asking this.

I grew up poor in an unstable home with an abusive mom. 100% she would do this, and 100% she would beat me if I didn’t. Take him less frequently and when you do, order something less expensive that checks the box please. Eg, box up the bread from the table, order pasta. He’ll remember your kindness his entire life, I promise.

I’m so sorry. But thank you for posting here. I’m getting so angry at the people in this thread who don’t believe it. People should have to spend some time as teachers at lower income schools before they are allowed to vote.

I can’t say what is going on with this child but if you really don’t believe that this happens, you are completely out of touch with the lives of so many people and should be ashamed.

And you’re also completely clueless if you don’t realize that some people will take advantage.

Some of us are ok with giving a family some food and ok with being "taken advantage of" in that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ooof. This story makes my heart hurt.

Not me. Being low income doesn’t excuse being rude. You don’t tell your kid who’s out to dinner with another family to order food for you and your other kids and just have them pay. Thats rude and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family was poor and food insecure growing up and I recall my mom saying something like this to me as a joke. By 11, I didn't take it seriously and would understand my mom was joking. And in reality she was glad I could experience a sit down restaurant and learn about place setting and coursed meals. I think I've time I ate half my dessert so i could bring it back to my little sister. Could
that be happening here?

I had similar experiences growing up. We were poor and my best friend's parents knew that. They invited me to their house for meals and even invited me to their beach house. I love my friend's parents like my own. To this day, I'm still incredibly grateful and repay their generosity by giving to my child's school's food pantry and other causes.

If you think your child's friend is from a poor family and you can afford it, pay for the food.

that is different than this. It’s one thing to buy the child a meal, but not the entire family’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do is talk to the mother and get a feel for her to see if you think she's actually asking this.

I grew up poor in an unstable home with an abusive mom. 100% she would do this, and 100% she would beat me if I didn’t. Take him less frequently and when you do, order something less expensive that checks the box please. Eg, box up the bread from the table, order pasta. He’ll remember your kindness his entire life, I promise.

I’m so sorry. But thank you for posting here. I’m getting so angry at the people in this thread who don’t believe it. People should have to spend some time as teachers at lower income schools before they are allowed to vote.

I can’t say what is going on with this child but if you really don’t believe that this happens, you are completely out of touch with the lives of so many people and should be ashamed.

And you’re also completely clueless if you don’t realize that some people will take advantage.

Some of us are ok with giving a family some food and ok with being "taken advantage of" in that way.

Giving food is sending some extra groceries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family was poor and food insecure growing up and I recall my mom saying something like this to me as a joke. By 11, I didn't take it seriously and would understand my mom was joking. And in reality she was glad I could experience a sit down restaurant and learn about place setting and coursed meals. I think I've time I ate half my dessert so i could bring it back to my little sister. Could
that be happening here?

I had similar experiences growing up. We were poor and my best friend's parents knew that. They invited me to their house for meals and even invited me to their beach house. I love my friend's parents like my own. To this day, I'm still incredibly grateful and repay their generosity by giving to my child's school's food pantry and other causes.

If you think your child's friend is from a poor family and you can afford it, pay for the food.

that is different than this. It’s one thing to buy the child a meal, but not the entire family’s.

True. OP is certainly under no obligation. The mother doesn’t deserve it at all. But I’m shocked and disappointed by how few of you understand or seem to care what it is like to be the kid in that situation. If you can afford it, OP, please do something like PP’s suggestion of sending him home with cheaper take out. It will mean all the difference in the world to him.

The rest of you, think about the kid!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reads like something from Roseanne or Shameless.

You’re being taken advantage of. A great example of why a lot of wealthy people are hesitant to get too close to those with less means because it could result in exactly these scenarios or worse.

So many here acting like they are living at Downton Abbey and they’re all royalty.

We’re talking about some takeout food, keep it in perspective. This not about someone being wealthy and I don’t think the OP ever said anything about family income.