Fiancé wants a church wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the reception venue is already booked (as you said) I wouldn’t assume you would be able to get a Catholic ceremony planned that works with the timing anyway…

A lot of friends have done the big wedding and venue they want, and then appeased Catholic relatives by doing a small church wedding before or after (usually with just the Catholic close family present). No clue about the details but seems very common.

I'm surprised that the venue was booked while OP seemed to assume the ceremony and reception would be there while the fiancé was "shocked" that the ceremony wasn't in a church. Why was the venue booked before this important detail was ironed out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the reception venue is already booked (as you said) I wouldn’t assume you would be able to get a Catholic ceremony planned that works with the timing anyway…

A lot of friends have done the big wedding and venue they want, and then appeased Catholic relatives by doing a small church wedding before or after (usually with just the Catholic close family present). No clue about the details but seems very common.

I'm surprised that the venue was booked while OP seemed to assume the ceremony and reception would be there while the fiancé was "shocked" that the ceremony wasn't in a church. Why was the venue booked before this important detail was ironed out?

My guess is that fiancé was fine with the plan initially (until the family expressed disapproval) and is more shocked that OP is not keen on making a change.

[Anonymous]

If you've already booked the reception, just keep planning what youre planning. People will get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the reception venue is already booked (as you said) I wouldn’t assume you would be able to get a Catholic ceremony planned that works with the timing anyway…

A lot of friends have done the big wedding and venue they want, and then appeased Catholic relatives by doing a small church wedding before or after (usually with just the Catholic close family present). No clue about the details but seems very common.

I'm surprised that the venue was booked while OP seemed to assume the ceremony and reception would be there while the fiancé was "shocked" that the ceremony wasn't in a church. Why was the venue booked before this important detail was ironed out?

My guess is that fiancé was fine with the plan initially (until the family expressed disapproval) and is more shocked that OP is not keen on making a change.

Then it sounds like OP changed the story. Why is he shocked he's not having a church wedding? I think the family is bearing too much of the blame here with the fiancé having a different vision in mind than OPs dream wedding. She wants him to fall in line and he won't.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We decided that we will be getting married at the venue. The biggest issue for my fiancé was that it seemed weird to what married in the same place set up for a reception but it’s super large and we are going to be able to do both with ease. He does have a family friend pastor that has agreed to marry us at the ceremony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the reception venue is already booked (as you said) I wouldn’t assume you would be able to get a Catholic ceremony planned that works with the timing anyway…

A lot of friends have done the big wedding and venue they want, and then appeased Catholic relatives by doing a small church wedding before or after (usually with just the Catholic close family present). No clue about the details but seems very common.

I'm surprised that the venue was booked while OP seemed to assume the ceremony and reception would be there while the fiancé was "shocked" that the ceremony wasn't in a church. Why was the venue booked before this important detail was ironed out?

My guess is that fiancé was fine with the plan initially (until the family expressed disapproval) and is more shocked that OP is not keen on making a change.

Then it sounds like OP changed the story. Why is he shocked he's not having a church wedding? I think the family is bearing too much of the blame here with the fiancé having a different vision in mind than OPs dream wedding. She wants him to fall in line and he won't.

OP here. PP doesn’t know what she is talking about. I never changed any story.

We just got engaged and we were looking at venues and have two picked but plan to go with one of them and keep the other as a backup. I mentioned the one we picked would be perfect for the ceremony and reception, and he said he assumed we would be getting married in a church. He told me how everyone he knows all have church weddings and that it would mean a lot of his family.

He was never on board and then changed his mind. I’m not sure where PP got that from.

We have not officially booked the venue yet but we plan to after looking at the other option. We are 98% sure we will be going with our first option. Both are overlooking the lake but we want our first option the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the reception venue is already booked (as you said) I wouldn’t assume you would be able to get a Catholic ceremony planned that works with the timing anyway…

A lot of friends have done the big wedding and venue they want, and then appeased Catholic relatives by doing a small church wedding before or after (usually with just the Catholic close family present). No clue about the details but seems very common.

I'm surprised that the venue was booked while OP seemed to assume the ceremony and reception would be there while the fiancé was "shocked" that the ceremony wasn't in a church. Why was the venue booked before this important detail was ironed out?

My guess is that fiancé was fine with the plan initially (until the family expressed disapproval) and is more shocked that OP is not keen on making a change.

Then it sounds like OP changed the story. Why is he shocked he's not having a church wedding? I think the family is bearing too much of the blame here with the fiancé having a different vision in mind than OPs dream wedding. She wants him to fall in line and he won't.

OP here. PP doesn’t know what she is talking about. I never changed any story.

We just got engaged and we were looking at venues and have two picked but plan to go with one of them and keep the other as a backup. I mentioned the one we picked would be perfect for the ceremony and reception, and he said he assumed we would be getting married in a church. He told me how everyone he knows all have church weddings and that it would mean a lot of his family.

He was never on board and then changed his mind. I’m not sure where PP got that from.

We have not officially booked the venue yet but we plan to after looking at the other option. We are 98% sure we will be going with our first option. Both are overlooking the lake but we want our first option the most.

You said: "We have[u] a very beautiful wedding venue that overlooks the river in our city and that would be an amazing place to exchange vows and have a reception. This seems more practical to me."

That implies you booked it. Not that you were "thinking" about it. What exactly do you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We decided that we will be getting married at the venue. The biggest issue for my fiancé was that it seemed weird to what married in the same place set up for a reception but it’s super large and we are going to be able to do both with ease. He does have a family friend pastor that has agreed to marry us at the ceremony.

Did you…not have this conversation before jumping to the conclusion that you’d practically have to convert or lie about your whole faith ust to get married to him? For such a mild and easily solvable concern of his, your OP seems like an overreaction.

Unless….there is more to it than he just thinks it’s “weird” to get married in a reception venue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We decided that we will be getting married at the venue. The biggest issue for my fiancé was that it seemed weird to what married in the same place set up for a reception but it’s super large and we are going to be able to do both with ease. He does have a family friend pastor that has agreed to marry us at the ceremony.

Did you…not have this conversation before jumping to the conclusion that you’d practically have to convert or lie about your whole faith ust to get married to him? For such a mild and easily solvable concern of his, your OP seems like an overreaction.

Unless….there is more to it than he just thinks it’s “weird” to get married in a reception venue?

It’s like op ran here mid conversation with fiance to post, then went back to finish the conversation and come to a simple conclusion.

[Anonymous]

He's right though. It's tacky to get married at the reception venue.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately I think this is a red flag too and you will lose either way. If you agree to it, you feel like you are participating in a farce. If you put your foot down, you look unreasonable to DH and your future in laws (even though I completely get why you would put your foot down and refuse). The concern isn’t about this ceremony but about whether your fiance is really going to hold the line down the road when kids come. If appeasing the family for the wedding ceremony is important to him and them, why would the decision not to baptize? Not to allow them to attend church with the grandparents? Etc. There’s no wrong answer here, but it absolutely warrants more time and consideration before the big day.

Pretty much this. It really depends what the plan is going to be re: kids.

FWIW my own DH was raised in the most Catholic family ever (his parents attend mass daily, don’t believe in birth control, attend pro life marches and such etc etc). DH and I eloped (for non religious reasons). DH is not religious. I offered to participate in a convalidation etc but said he’d have to arrange it, same for baptism for kids- fine but told DH he’d have to arrange it. DH never cared enough to bother, despite his parents’ nagging. Our kids are teens and have only been in a church for weddings and funerals. Worked out for me, but may not for OP. Just depends how religious the DH actually is. If I were OP I’d be tempted to tell the DH “oh okay, sure, you guys figure it out and let me know the time and place. I’ll handle the reception arrangements” and see what they even do.

Honestly same. If it’s important to your fiancé and the family, they will figure it out. Yes Catholics and non-religious get married in the church all the time but there are a lot of requirements. Even if you’re both practicing Catholics there are still requirements! And sometimes they can vary from parish to parish as well so that’s something to keep in mind.

This is completely bizarre. Most couples are involved in ceremony planning together. They write their own vows sometimes, pick music, readings, location, together. This completely hands off approach is weird.

Catholic ceremonies are pretty standardized so OP won’t have much say in any of those things anyway. They certainly won’t be writing their own vows. If not religious, I doubt she cares which readings they do. If she is getting roped into a religious ceremony she doesn’t really want, at least make them do all the planning and legwork. Also- often saying they want something is one thing, but having to do all the work themselves to make it happen is quite another.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d elope. They’ll get over it.

Honestly, best solution.

No, the best solution is to end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's right though. It's tacky to get married at the reception venue.

Considering many people also host their reception at the church, you think that is tacky too? You must have two separate venues? Silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's right though. It's tacky to get married at the reception venue.

Considering many people also host their reception at the church, you think that is tacky too? You must have two separate venues? Silly.

Many people do this?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You both don't need to be Catholic. One of you should be and also registered at the church or a church that his family is registered at. You can't just waltz into any church and demand a wedding ceremony. You will need to be registered parishioners, or use his family church, and complete the wedding prep (Pre-Cana), and just jump through all the hoops.

But your post is very off putting all about you, and what you want. You're supposed to be getting married, it's not all about you.

No. One of them must be Catholic to be married in a Catholic church.

Well, the fiancé is. But the point in this case is that the fiancé is Catholic enough to meet the criteria. But he is not practicing and might say he's not Catholic. But if he was raised Catholic he's been baptized, had his Communion and is confirmed. As far as the Church is concerned, he's Catholic.

Yes, the fiancé is Catholic. The point you’re ignoring is the first pp said one should be Catholic. There’s no should about it with the Catholic church. That’s a must.

I said that. Then I clarified. I said "should" because most people getting married in the Church are there because they want to be, they are in good standing. The fiancé is Catholic, being born and raised, but seems now to be lapsed. If you're lapsed should you still consider yourself Catholic?

You are making zero sense. There is no should about it with a Catholic wedding. It’s a must or there’s no Catholic wedding.

He is a Catholic in the eyes of the church. We know this. But, how he identifies is another thing. Which goes back to OP's point that should they just go along with it for appeasement or is it a mockery? They can have the Catholic wedding, but should they?

That’s all that matters if he wants to be married in a Catholic church. What’s a mockery is OP’s suggestion of lying.

You act as if it's so easy to get married in the church. An indifferent, non-practicing couple still has to meet certain criteria. Maybe it's church attendance, pre-cana, meetings with the priest, good standing, before they will be allowed to book their date. It varies. It's not just "does the one person meet the basic criteria". Sounds like they already have a date and venue for their non religious wedding. Trying to plan a Catholic ceremony into an existing timeline might be a huge hurdle.

Nope. You’re inventing something never said. I only commented that 1 person must be Catholic not should be Catholic. If you don’t meet the minimum of one person being Catholic, the rest of what you wrote is irrelevant because there is no chance of a Catholic wedding.

No chance? Hardly. A non practicing Catholic who has no intention of raising their kids Catholic can still have one if their parents set it all up.

Bolded the part you failed to read. Parents can’t set up a wedding if the kid wasn’t Catholic.

Obviously the parents would be doing this at their church. Do you now how any of this works? If fiancé had never set foot in that church the parents could still set it up. That's the point.

You still can’t read.