What's the most selfish thing your spouse has done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you with resentment toward your husbands for not staying with you, by the hospital bed, after childbirth -- do you do the same for him when he is hospitalized? Or is he expected to "be a man" and deal with it?

Jesus people... this is why there are issues with PPD. A woman who gives birth just went through a HUGE hormonal/personal/physical/etc change and ESPECIALLY with the first child--- how is it out of the ordinary to expect that the father would just stay with you for the first night? And yes, if my DH was in the hospital I would absolutely do everything I could to support him.

NP. Don't get it either. It is the father's child. His wife just delivered a baby, and may have even had a routine, but still serious, medical procedure.

And even if YOU didn't need your husband's help, someone else still may want/need their husband around. How hard is it to understand?

I don't think anyone's saying they don't care if their DH is there at ALL - he's there during the birth, during the waking hours, bringing you extra food, getting water, listening to what the doctors/nurses are saying, etc. But what some women are saying is there isn't much of a point for the DH to stay overnight in a crappy chair and probably not get any rest, thus possibly making him tired/cranky the next day, etc. The new mom probably isn't getting much sleep in the hospital either, but it doesn't make a lot of sense for both parents to be exhausted.

This kind of sexism makes me crazy, and it doesn't make it any less sexist just because you couch it in terms of "what some women are saying."

This kind of attitude -- "well, she has to do it, so why should I also have to do it? Doing it comes at a cost (of lack of rest) and at least one of us should feel well-rested" -- is ridiculous logic that, when extended through the life of raising kids means that the woman does the lion's share of parenting and suffers the lion's share of the negative damage from it (sleep, career prospects, double shift, etc.)

DH should stay overnight in a crappy chair, because the child that was just born is 50% his, so he should do 50% of the child-rearing from the start. Yes, DH might get a crappy night's sleep, but he might also be able to rise in the middle of the night to change a diaper or get me the baby, thus making my middle of the night a little less crappy. DH might also get to bond with the new baby and better learn the new baby's rythm.

Also, it is not my responsibility to insulate DH from anything that might make him tired/cranky the next day. He needs to suck it up when he is tired just like I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you with resentment toward your husbands for not staying with you, by the hospital bed, after childbirth -- do you do the same for him when he is hospitalized? Or is he expected to "be a man" and deal with it?

Jesus people... this is why there are issues with PPD. A woman who gives birth just went through a HUGE hormonal/personal/physical/etc change and ESPECIALLY with the first child--- how is it out of the ordinary to expect that the father would just stay with you for the first night? And yes, if my DH was in the hospital I would absolutely do everything I could to support him.

NP. Don't get it either. It is the father's child. His wife just delivered a baby, and may have even had a routine, but still serious, medical procedure.

And even if YOU didn't need your husband's help, someone else still may want/need their husband around. How hard is it to understand?

I don't think anyone's saying they don't care if their DH is there at ALL - he's there during the birth, during the waking hours, bringing you extra food, getting water, listening to what the doctors/nurses are saying, etc. But what some women are saying is there isn't much of a point for the DH to stay overnight in a crappy chair and probably not get any rest, thus possibly making him tired/cranky the next day, etc. The new mom probably isn't getting much sleep in the hospital either, but it doesn't make a lot of sense for both parents to be exhausted.

This kind of sexism makes me crazy, and it doesn't make it any less sexist just because you couch it in terms of "what some women are saying."

This kind of attitude -- "well, she has to do it, so why should I also have to do it? Doing it comes at a cost (of lack of rest) and at least one of us should feel well-rested" -- is ridiculous logic that, when extended through the life of raising kids means that the woman does the lion's share of parenting and suffers the lion's share of the negative damage from it (sleep, career prospects, double shift, etc.)

DH should stay overnight in a crappy chair, because the child that was just born is 50% his, so he should do 50% of the child-rearing from the start. Yes, DH might get a crappy night's sleep, but he might also be able to rise in the middle of the night to change a diaper or get me the baby, thus making my middle of the night a little less crappy. DH might also get to bond with the new baby and better learn the new baby's rythm.

Also, it is not my responsibility to insulate DH from anything that might make him tired/cranky the next day. He needs to suck it up when he is tired just like I do.

That kind of attitude makes me feel thankful I've never wanted children. I'm pretty sure I would blow a gasket if DH wanted me to carry *our* child for nine or however many months in my body, shoot it out of my vagina, then complain that he's [i]not well-rested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you with resentment toward your husbands for not staying with you, by the hospital bed, after childbirth -- do you do the same for him when he is hospitalized? Or is he expected to "be a man" and deal with it?

Jesus people... this is why there are issues with PPD. A woman who gives birth just went through a HUGE hormonal/personal/physical/etc change and ESPECIALLY with the first child--- how is it out of the ordinary to expect that the father would just stay with you for the first night? And yes, if my DH was in the hospital I would absolutely do everything I could to support him.

NP. Don't get it either. It is the father's child. His wife just delivered a baby, and may have even had a routine, but still serious, medical procedure.

And even if YOU didn't need your husband's help, someone else still may want/need their husband around. How hard is it to understand?

I don't think anyone's saying they don't care if their DH is there at ALL - he's there during the birth, during the waking hours, bringing you extra food, getting water, listening to what the doctors/nurses are saying, etc. But what some women are saying is there isn't much of a point for the DH to stay overnight in a crappy chair and probably not get any rest, thus possibly making him tired/cranky the next day, etc. The new mom probably isn't getting much sleep in the hospital either, but it doesn't make a lot of sense for both parents to be exhausted.

This kind of sexism makes me crazy, and it doesn't make it any less sexist just because you couch it in terms of "what some women are saying."

This kind of attitude -- "well, she has to do it, so why should I also have to do it? Doing it comes at a cost (of lack of rest) and at least one of us should feel well-rested" -- is ridiculous logic that, when extended through the life of raising kids means that the woman does the lion's share of parenting and suffers the lion's share of the negative damage from it (sleep, career prospects, double shift, etc.)

DH should stay overnight in a crappy chair, because the child that was just born is 50% his, so he should do 50% of the child-rearing from the start. Yes, DH might get a crappy night's sleep, but he might also be able to rise in the middle of the night to change a diaper or get me the baby, thus making my middle of the night a little less crappy. DH might also get to bond with the new baby and better learn the new baby's rythm.

Also, it is not my responsibility to insulate DH from anything that might make him tired/cranky the next day. He needs to suck it up when he is tired just like I do.

I do believe that in certain situations it's perfectly sensible for my husband to get rest while I take care of the baby or vice versa. It's not a contest of who can be the most miserable. I nursed a lot and my husband rested more overnight when our children were babies. I didn't need him to wake up just for diapers changes...I was already up. During the day, when I was falling over, he was a fresh body who easily picked up my slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you with resentment toward your husbands for not staying with you, by the hospital bed, after childbirth -- do you do the same for him when he is hospitalized? Or is he expected to "be a man" and deal with it?

Jesus people... this is why there are issues with PPD. A woman who gives birth just went through a HUGE hormonal/personal/physical/etc change and ESPECIALLY with the first child--- how is it out of the ordinary to expect that the father would just stay with you for the first night? And yes, if my DH was in the hospital I would absolutely do everything I could to support him.

NP. Don't get it either. It is the father's child. His wife just delivered a baby, and may have even had a routine, but still serious, medical procedure.

And even if YOU didn't need your husband's help, someone else still may want/need their husband around. How hard is it to understand?

I don't think anyone's saying they don't care if their DH is there at ALL - he's there during the birth, during the waking hours, bringing you extra food, getting water, listening to what the doctors/nurses are saying, etc. But what some women are saying is there isn't much of a point for the DH to stay overnight in a crappy chair and probably not get any rest, thus possibly making him tired/cranky the next day, etc. The new mom probably isn't getting much sleep in the hospital either, but it doesn't make a lot of sense for both parents to be exhausted.

This kind of sexism makes me crazy, and it doesn't make it any less sexist just because you couch it in terms of "what some women are saying."

This kind of attitude -- "well, she has to do it, so why should I also have to do it? Doing it comes at a cost (of lack of rest) and at least one of us should feel well-rested" -- is ridiculous logic that, when extended through the life of raising kids means that the woman does the lion's share of parenting and suffers the lion's share of the negative damage from it (sleep, career prospects, double shift, etc.)

DH should stay overnight in a crappy chair, because the child that was just born is 50% his, so he should do 50% of the child-rearing from the start. Yes, DH might get a crappy night's sleep, but he might also be able to rise in the middle of the night to change a diaper or get me the baby, thus making my middle of the night a little less crappy. DH might also get to bond with the new baby and better learn the new baby's rythm.

Also, it is not my responsibility to insulate DH from anything that might make him tired/cranky the next day. He needs to suck it up when he is tired just like I do.

That kind of attitude makes me feel thankful I've never wanted children. I'm pretty sure I would blow a gasket if DH wanted me to carry *our* child for nine or however many months in my body, shoot it out of my vagina, then complain that he's not well-rested.

Okay well, if we're trying to make it "fair", you're fighting a losing battle because it's already unfair that women are the only ones who can give birth. So the women are the only ones who have to recover physically. And then, if you choose, they are the only ones who can breastfeed. Unfortunately, in those early days, DH physically cannot do 50%. So your solution - to make it more fair - is to make sure that your DH is miserable? Because that helps how exactly? I don't see how you could say to yourself "Man I am exhausted, but good, DH is too, that makes me feel more rested!"

You're not giving any credit to the women who sent their husbands home. Maybe that meant that those mother's got to rest their entire first day at home from the hospital because their DH decided to take over since mom didn't get a chance to sleep while in the hospital. Maybe DH could have thrown in a load of laundry before going to sleep that night. Maybe their DH snores or asks too many questions to the nurses in the middle of the night. Maybe they have an older child who DH could occupy that first day home while mom takes care of the newborn. The motivation is not only "oh poor DH is tired, let him get some sleep." Maybe those women preferred [i]those things to what you said you wanted - which was having DH hand you the baby in the middle of the night, or changing a diaper. I personally wanted DH around all the time my first day home from the hospital, while I was trying to figure out nursing and I was feeling overwhelmed because we were "on our own." I would have been upset if he had announced he was going to take a nap. And then while I dozed, either with the baby or while the baby napped, he wasn't napping too, he was getting us dinner, finishing laundry, etc. etc. That doesn't make either of us wrong. Having your DH miss one, maybe two nights does not lead to the women doing all the work.

[Anonymous]

I don’t view my relationship in terms of who has been more selfish at any time, as I’m sure we have all been selfish at times.

I sent my DH to work while I was still in hospital with a c section. It was hard, but I got along fine. A year later, If DD isn’t sleeping well, as she’s a year old but still nursing, I go sleep on the couch with her so he can sleep. Does he help? Sure he does, but it’s not even right now and that’s okay - life is rarely even.

Life isn’t a contest about misery. It’s about balancing things. Sometimes, you “take one for the team” so the team can be stronger as a whole. Its sad to me how tit for tat this board is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find the complaints about selfish husbands who didn't stay at the hospital interesting.

The last thing I wanted or that would have been helpful to me is for my cheating husband to spend the night with me at the hospital. He was totally unhelpful during the birth. I asked him to go home, pick up our DC1 from relatives who minded DC during the birth of DC2. I expected him to pickup DC1, go home,make sure any last minute needs at the house were ready (DC2 was 3 weeks early) and come back the next day with DC1 to visit.

Instead, now exH went home surfed porn and escort sites, was too stupid to hide his computer history and never bothered to pick up DC1.

He came back the next day without having done anything. I insisted the hospital release me AMA after only 1 night even though DC2 was jaundiced and the insurance would pay for another night's stay, because it was easier to go home and do everything myself rather than rely on DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a major surgery and was in the hospital for five days. When I got home, he was pissed, and I mean really angry, that I asked him to bring food upstairs (one flight) to the bedroom for me. And I'm talking a popsicle one time and a pudding cup another time. I called my mom and she came and got me and I stayed with her for three weeks. We had been married two years at the time. Oh, and prior to marriage I had nursed him through a broken leg and then later a general health ailment.

and now, for the rest of the story...

[Anonymous]

Did dumb thoughtless things at work. Sat at home for 6 months without looking for work, although they told him they would get rid of him. He says he thought they wouldn’t really fire him. They let him resign. He collected unemployment without securing work. Currently Works one day a week and despite his words, his actions say he could care less. Has taken us to the financial brink. Is sitting in his ass waiting for me to do the divorce bc he’s a martyr and wants to be able to say I left him when he was down. Always presents himself as a good guy victim. Without fault. There are children. Terrible example of a father or husband. Terrible.

[Anonymous]

We should go back to the old days when men just sat in the waiting room and smoked a cigar. Women have even less appreciation for men today even though they do more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you with resentment toward your husbands for not staying with you, by the hospital bed, after childbirth -- do you do the same for him when he is hospitalized? Or is he expected to "be a man" and deal with it?

Jesus people... this is why there are issues with PPD. A woman who gives birth just went through a HUGE hormonal/personal/physical/etc change and ESPECIALLY with the first child--- how is it out of the ordinary to expect that the father would just stay with you for the first night? And yes, if my DH was in the hospital I would absolutely do everything I could to support him.

NP. Don't get it either. It is the father's child. His wife just delivered a baby, and may have even had a routine, but still serious, medical procedure.

And even if YOU didn't need your husband's help, someone else still may want/need their husband around. How hard is it to understand?

I don't think anyone's saying they don't care if their DH is there at ALL - he's there during the birth, during the waking hours, bringing you extra food, getting water, listening to what the doctors/nurses are saying, etc. But what some women are saying is there isn't much of a point for the DH to stay overnight in a crappy chair and probably not get any rest, thus possibly making him tired/cranky the next day, etc. The new mom probably isn't getting much sleep in the hospital either, but it doesn't make a lot of sense for both parents to be exhausted.

This kind of sexism makes me crazy, and it doesn't make it any less sexist just because you couch it in terms of "what some women are saying."

This kind of attitude -- "well, she has to do it, so why should I also have to do it? Doing it comes at a cost (of lack of rest) and at least one of us should feel well-rested" -- is ridiculous logic that, when extended through the life of raising kids means that the woman does the lion's share of parenting and suffers the lion's share of the negative damage from it (sleep, career prospects, double shift, etc.)

DH should stay overnight in a crappy chair, because the child that was just born is 50% his, so he should do 50% of the child-rearing from the start. Yes, DH might get a crappy night's sleep, but he might also be able to rise in the middle of the night to change a diaper or get me the baby, thus making my middle of the night a little less crappy. DH might also get to bond with the new baby and better learn the new baby's rythm.

Also, it is not my responsibility to insulate DH from anything that might make him tired/cranky the next day. He needs to suck it up when he is tired just like I do.

Actually you are the sexist one. Why can’t you suck it up...oh that’s right you are woman and get special treatment. Seriously you are a jerk and a hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you with resentment toward your husbands for not staying with you, by the hospital bed, after childbirth -- do you do the same for him when he is hospitalized? Or is he expected to "be a man" and deal with it?

Jesus people... this is why there are issues with PPD. A woman who gives birth just went through a HUGE hormonal/personal/physical/etc change and ESPECIALLY with the first child--- how is it out of the ordinary to expect that the father would just stay with you for the first night? And yes, if my DH was in the hospital I would absolutely do everything I could to support him.

NP. Don't get it either. It is the father's child. His wife just delivered a baby, and may have even had a routine, but still serious, medical procedure.

And even if YOU didn't need your husband's help, someone else still may want/need their husband around. How hard is it to understand?

I don't think anyone's saying they don't care if their DH is there at ALL - he's there during the birth, during the waking hours, bringing you extra food, getting water, listening to what the doctors/nurses are saying, etc. But what some women are saying is there isn't much of a point for the DH to stay overnight in a crappy chair and probably not get any rest, thus possibly making him tired/cranky the next day, etc. The new mom probably isn't getting much sleep in the hospital either, but it doesn't make a lot of sense for both parents to be exhausted.

This kind of sexism makes me crazy, and it doesn't make it any less sexist just because you couch it in terms of "what some women are saying."

This kind of attitude -- "well, she has to do it, so why should I also have to do it? Doing it comes at a cost (of lack of rest) and at least one of us should feel well-rested" -- is ridiculous logic that, when extended through the life of raising kids means that the woman does the lion's share of parenting and suffers the lion's share of the negative damage from it (sleep, career prospects, double shift, etc.)

DH should stay overnight in a crappy chair, because the child that was just born is 50% his, so he should do 50% of the child-rearing from the start. Yes, DH might get a crappy night's sleep, but he might also be able to rise in the middle of the night to change a diaper or get me the baby, thus making my middle of the night a little less crappy. DH might also get to bond with the new baby and better learn the new baby's rythm.

Also, it is not my responsibility to insulate DH from anything that might make him tired/cranky the next day. He needs to suck it up when he is tired just like I do.

Actually you are the sexist one. Why can’t you suck it up...oh that’s right you are woman and get special treatment. Seriously you are a jerk and a hypocrite.

For both of my deliveries I was in Labor and unable to sleep for a very long time. My husband slept for a decent amount both times in the delivery room. Plus, he certainly was getting much better rest in the days leading up to delivery. After, I was bleeding for a while and exhausted from the physical effort. My husband had no such issues. Both times, my babies woke up frequently and were hard to get back to sleep. I felt alone and unsure, especially for the first when I was also new to nursing. So yeah, it would have been nice to have my husband there for emotional support if anything.

[Anonymous]

I can't decide between getting black out drunk at a wedding when I was 38 weeks pregnant and puking all over my car. Or leaving me to have a boy's weekend during the big snow storm of 2016 and I was home alone and snowed in with an infant. (I made the decision that instead of being a martyr I would play hardball and I insisted he buy me Hamilton tickets

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One night many years ago I developed excruciating headache and could not turn my head, and neck was really hurting. I asked my exH to take me to the hospital, he refused. Headache continued through the night and the next morning he made me go to his family gathering which was really important to him. It was easier to go than to listen to his screaming. Just about everyone at the party said that I look really bad and have to see the doctor, my ex said that he is not going to pay for the headache. On the way back he yelled at me in the car because he had to bring me beverages (I could not eat and could barely move), and when I said I can't take any yelling right now he turned the car radio all the way up. I felt like my head is just about to explode. Headache and neck ache did not go away and late that evening. I watched few first minutes of the movie with the sound turned off, blinked, opened my eyes and the movie was over, it was really strange. I realized that I am loosing consciousness, got up and called an ambulance. When it came he yelled at the paramedic that he is not going to pay for the headache (I had health insurance and paid for it myself). They took me anyway. I had bacterial meningitis.
In the presence of my ex I was been told by the doctor to remain on the bed rest for at least 10 days after I get home. I had to go back to work after 5 because I was paying for the household groceries, did not have any savings and that's why ''did not get to eat''. He was not poor at all, in fact, he made very good money.
He was also told by veterinarian that he is starving his dog, she was seriously under weight, I fed her secretly in small portions (he was watching the consistency and color of her poop every time).
I don't think that he is selfish, I think that he is evil.

What happened to the dog?
It's over, I am with a wonderful, caring and protective man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One night many years ago I developed excruciating headache and could not turn my head, and neck was really hurting. I asked my exH to take me to the hospital, he refused. Headache continued through the night and the next morning he made me go to his family gathering which was really important to him. It was easier to go than to listen to his screaming. Just about everyone at the party said that I look really bad and have to see the doctor, my ex said that he is not going to pay for the headache. On the way back he yelled at me in the car because he had to bring me beverages (I could not eat and could barely move), and when I said I can't take any yelling right now he turned the car radio all the way up. I felt like my head is just about to explode. Headache and neck ache did not go away and late that evening. I watched few first minutes of the movie with the sound turned off, blinked, opened my eyes and the movie was over, it was really strange. I realized that I am loosing consciousness, got up and called an ambulance. When it came he yelled at the paramedic that he is not going to pay for the headache (I had health insurance and paid for it myself). They took me anyway. I had bacterial meningitis.
In the presence of my ex I was been told by the doctor to remain on the bed rest for at least 10 days after I get home. I had to go back to work after 5 because I was paying for the household groceries, did not have any savings and that's why ''did not get to eat''. He was not poor at all, in fact, he made very good money.
He was also told by veterinarian that he is starving his dog, she was seriously under weight, I fed her secretly in small portions (he was watching the consistency and color of her poop every time).
I don't think that he is selfish, I think that he is evil.
It's over, I am with a wonderful, caring and protective man.

What happened to the dog?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He got upset when I told him I'd need him to stay with me overnight in the hospital after I gave birth to our daughter. He'd been hoping to sleep at home then come back in the mornings and was very upset he had to sleep on the uncomfortable recliner in my recovery room. It wasn't our finest moment but honestly, we were both so exhausted after a multi-day induction that neither of us were thinking clearly. It was a single moment of dumb@ssness from an otherwise wonderful man.

Is it really so bad? I wouldn't want to sleep on that stupid recliner either and if he's just going home to sleep and coming right back in the morning... why is that a big deal?

Because I hadn't slept for 48 hours. Because we were in a "baby friendly" hospital that provided absolutely no help with the baby besides coming in and yelling at me for doing apparently every single thing wrong, they literally wouldn't even hand me the baby if they were already in the room. Because the call button in our room didn't work so if there had been an issue, I couldn't have alerted the nurses (I tried shouting and they didn't hear me). Because my epidural didn't wear off for hours so I couldn't stand up to get the baby on my own. Because, even after the epidural finally wore off, I had a 3rd degree tear and needed help getting out of bed each and every time and needed help getting onto and off of the toilet.

Because I needed him there.

You sound really needy.

+1000. Next time hire assistants to be with you. Or choose a different hospital.