Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very simple.

When a child is conceived, unless they make alternate arrangements (such as giving the child up for adoption), the mother and father agree to take responsibility for that child until the child is no longer a minor, in most US jurisdictions, this is 18. If the couple separate or divorce, they still have that responsibility for the child. If either parent finds a new partner, they do so knowing that they still have the responsibility for the child. If someone marries a partner who already has a child from prior to the marriage, they should do so knowing that their partner already has a standing responsibility to a child that does not get discarded just because they are divorced. Second marriages are undertaken with the understanding that there is a prior responsibility that still has to be respected and accounted for. If you don't want a partner with divided responsibilities and want your marriage to be first and foremost, don't marry a partner who has minor children. If you do, you do so accepting that they have the responsibility to put those children before you or your marriage.

The children come first because the parent made that commitment first and can only go into new commitments, such as a new marriage, with that in mind.

Very well put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first.

Start with the fact that I was told no children were allowed at their wedding. That is why I did not go. They show me the wedding video later on and her two young cousins, who were my age, were the ring barer and flower girl. His wife did not want me at the wedding because I would have taken away some of my father attention from her day. Then once they were married, she wanted to live closer to her home so they moved back to where my Dad is originally from. Then once they had kids, my father would only see me when she said it was okay. The times I did go up, if she wanted to go out or had plans for the two of them, I would get left with a babysitter. So she came first always and my father went right along with it. So that is how my father prioritized his second wife over me. They eventually divorced.

So sorry PP

Sadly, PP, this is happening to my children now. ExDH's fiancee is very sensitive about the amount of time he spends with his kids -- actively encouraging him to cut the amount of time he spends with kids and discouraging him from spending any time with them and me. So, for example, he used to come over on Friday nights until about 8 pm, eat dinner with them and hang out and play games or watch TV/movies together. This was their best night of the week with him because they didn't have to do homework and could really BE with him. I encouraged him to take the kids out with his new fiancé to her house that he moved into or out to dinner. But, it turns out that she doesn't like the fact that the kids cut into her social activities, to which he must accompany her. I eventually found out that he was taking the kids on Fridays and leaving them alone at her house while the two of them went out to parties. Eventually, about 6 months after moving in with her, he just dropped seeing them altogether Fridays, telling him he was signing up for a workout group Friday evenings (something which he could have easily arranged on another night). He also used to attend weekend sports events even when it wasn't "his day" with the kids. I always invited him to this because all kids want to have their parents at sports events. He also stopped doing this, presumably because she didn't like having "her time" with him cut into by the kids. I find the whole thing ridiculous because, as adults, they have time together every day at breakfast, they work close so they can meet up for lunch and they have time after dinner together. Even on a Friday night he is "done" early enough with them that they can go out and participate in pretty much any social activity together.

I honestly don't understand her perspective. I sometimes wonder if she feels threatened that I "want him back". But, if he has been honest with her about the circumstances of our breakup, I think she would be very clear that he and I are NEVER getting back together. Plus, it has been 10 years since our split, so I think that alone would make it clear that there is no chance of our reconciling. If I were in the fiancé's position, I would just take the time he is with the kids and go out with my girlfriends or to the gym or concentrate on my solo interests or work. Or, I would actively include the kids so that I could bond with them.

The whole thing makes my kids so sad. They consistently see him choosing to do other things over spending time with them either alone or together with his girlfriend. They are old enough to see how he could easily re-arrange things to spend time with them if he wanted to. So, they conclude that he just doesn't want to, and that is REALLY painful. The conclusion that any kid draws is that their own parent doesn't love them enough to spend time with them. Of course, I do think he loves them in his own way, but he is not mature enough to put their interests ahead of his. That gives them a deep sense of insecurity -- they know that they cannot depend on him as a parent.

My question to the PP is -- how do I handle this to minimize the grief to my kids? I have tried to build relationships with other male family members on my side of the family (grandpa, uncles, cousins) and give them a sense that many people DO want to spend time with them. I am ALWAYS there when their dad flakes out on visitation and try to do something with them that is fun instead of having them lounge around the house depressed. I try to explain that the problem lies with HIM, and not with them, but, of course, I don't want to trash him as I don't think that's helpful either. I have always fostered a good relationship with him and the kids, and I have been pleasant to him, because I think that is the better way to move forward. On the other hand, pretending his behavior is normal and desirable doesn't seem healthy either. I don't want them to grow up with the same low expectations in other relationships (or god forbid, as parents themselves).

What would have helped you PP? Is there any way to mitigate the damage a parent does when they consistently put their child second to the subsequent spouse or girlfriend?

What kind of relationship do you have with your father today? I worry that once my kids leave the house, they will really only have contact with him a few times a year. That seems sad to me, but at the same time, I suppose less sad than repeatedly trying to be in his life and being rejected or knowing that they are only wanted when it is convenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do stepmothers do this? Are we this insecure as women that we need to compete with kids for male attention? It's just so messed up.

Is it only stepmothers? Why do we not hear about stepfathers who do this?

I don't know why anyone does it. I posted earlier about a friend who is step mom to two kids who could lose their mom.

I do NOT understand the thinking that the kids can be competed with! They are children.

What is with the parent who chooses to get into a relationship with someone who has no respect for their children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first.

Start with the fact that I was told no children were allowed at their wedding. That is why I did not go. They show me the wedding video later on and her two young cousins, who were my age, were the ring barer and flower girl. His wife did not want me at the wedding because I would have taken away some of my father attention from her day. Then once they were married, she wanted to live closer to her home so they moved back to where my Dad is originally from. Then once they had kids, my father would only see me when she said it was okay. The times I did go up, if she wanted to go out or had plans for the two of them, I would get left with a babysitter. So she came first always and my father went right along with it. So that is how my father prioritized his second wife over me. They eventually divorced.

So sorry PP

Sadly, PP, this is happening to my children now. ExDH's fiancee is very sensitive about the amount of time he spends with his kids -- actively encouraging him to cut the amount of time he spends with kids and discouraging him from spending any time with them and me. So, for example, he used to come over on Friday nights until about 8 pm, eat dinner with them and hang out and play games or watch TV/movies together. This was their best night of the week with him because they didn't have to do homework and could really BE with him. I encouraged him to take the kids out with his new fiancé to her house that he moved into or out to dinner. But, it turns out that she doesn't like the fact that the kids cut into her social activities, to which he must accompany her. I eventually found out that he was taking the kids on Fridays and leaving them alone at her house while the two of them went out to parties. Eventually, about 6 months after moving in with her, he just dropped seeing them altogether Fridays, telling him he was signing up for a workout group Friday evenings (something which he could have easily arranged on another night). He also used to attend weekend sports events even when it wasn't "his day" with the kids. I always invited him to this because all kids want to have their parents at sports events. He also stopped doing this, presumably because she didn't like having "her time" with him cut into by the kids. I find the whole thing ridiculous because, as adults, they have time together every day at breakfast, they work close so they can meet up for lunch and they have time after dinner together. Even on a Friday night he is "done" early enough with them that they can go out and participate in pretty much any social activity together.

I honestly don't understand her perspective. I sometimes wonder if she feels threatened that I "want him back". But, if he has been honest with her about the circumstances of our breakup, I think she would be very clear that he and I are NEVER getting back together. Plus, it has been 10 years since our split, so I think that alone would make it clear that there is no chance of our reconciling. If I were in the fiancé's position, I would just take the time he is with the kids and go out with my girlfriends or to the gym or concentrate on my solo interests or work. Or, I would actively include the kids so that I could bond with them.

The whole thing makes my kids so sad. They consistently see him choosing to do other things over spending time with them either alone or together with his girlfriend. They are old enough to see how he could easily re-arrange things to spend time with them if he wanted to. So, they conclude that he just doesn't want to, and that is REALLY painful. The conclusion that any kid draws is that their own parent doesn't love them enough to spend time with them. Of course, I do think he loves them in his own way, but he is not mature enough to put their interests ahead of his. That gives them a deep sense of insecurity -- they know that they cannot depend on him as a parent.

My question to the PP is -- how do I handle this to minimize the grief to my kids? I have tried to build relationships with other male family members on my side of the family (grandpa, uncles, cousins) and give them a sense that many people DO want to spend time with them. I am ALWAYS there when their dad flakes out on visitation and try to do something with them that is fun instead of having them lounge around the house depressed. I try to explain that the problem lies with HIM, and not with them, but, of course, I don't want to trash him as I don't think that's helpful either. I have always fostered a good relationship with him and the kids, and I have been pleasant to him, because I think that is the better way to move forward. On the other hand, pretending his behavior is normal and desirable doesn't seem healthy either. I don't want them to grow up with the same low expectations in other relationships (or god forbid, as parents themselves).

What would have helped you PP? Is there any way to mitigate the damage a parent does when they consistently put their child second to the subsequent spouse or girlfriend?

What kind of relationship do you have with your father today? I worry that once my kids leave the house, they will really only have contact with him a few times a year. That seems sad to me, but at the same time, I suppose less sad than repeatedly trying to be in his life and being rejected or knowing that they are only wanted when it is convenient.

I am going to answer this when I have a minute. I am sorry your kids are going through it. You sound like a great mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very simple.

When a child is conceived, unless they make alternate arrangements (such as giving the child up for adoption), the mother and father agree to take responsibility for that child until the child is no longer a minor, in most US jurisdictions, this is 18. If the couple separate or divorce, they still have that responsibility for the child. If either parent finds a new partner, they do so knowing that they still have the responsibility for the child. If someone marries a partner who already has a child from prior to the marriage, they should do so knowing that their partner already has a standing responsibility to a child that does not get discarded just because they are divorced. Second marriages are undertaken with the understanding that there is a prior responsibility that still has to be respected and accounted for. If you don't want a partner with divided responsibilities and want your marriage to be first and foremost, don't marry a partner who has minor children. If you do, you do so accepting that they have the responsibility to put those children before you or your marriage.

The children come first because the parent made that commitment first and can only go into new commitments, such as a new marriage, with that in mind.

Very well put.

Exactly. -remarried mom whose coparent is still very much in the picture

[Anonymous]

Couples should give a certain level of priority to their relationship, but you have to care for the children you make. Their needs are the parents' first priority. Their wants should be taken into consideration.

The families that I have seen where the new wife is the priority are very dysfunctional. The children feel rejected by the parent. The adults in the situation need to understand that and be adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first.

Start with the fact that I was told no children were allowed at their wedding. That is why I did not go. They show me the wedding video later on and her two young cousins, who were my age, were the ring barer and flower girl. His wife did not want me at the wedding because I would have taken away some of my father attention from her day. Then once they were married, she wanted to live closer to her home so they moved back to where my Dad is originally from. Then once they had kids, my father would only see me when she said it was okay. The times I did go up, if she wanted to go out or had plans for the two of them, I would get left with a babysitter. So she came first always and my father went right along with it. So that is how my father prioritized his second wife over me. They eventually divorced.

Obviously you are the step mom, and you sound like a very petty person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very simple.

When a child is conceived, unless they make alternate arrangements (such as giving the child up for adoption), the mother and father agree to take responsibility for that child until the child is no longer a minor, in most US jurisdictions, this is 18. If the couple separate or divorce, they still have that responsibility for the child. If either parent finds a new partner, they do so knowing that they still have the responsibility for the child. If someone marries a partner who already has a child from prior to the marriage, they should do so knowing that their partner already has a standing responsibility to a child that does not get discarded just because they are divorced. Second marriages are undertaken with the understanding that there is a prior responsibility that still has to be respected and accounted for. If you don't want a partner with divided responsibilities and want your marriage to be first and foremost, don't marry a partner who has minor children. If you do, you do so accepting that they have the responsibility to put those children before you or your marriage.

The children come first because the parent made that commitment first and can only go into new commitments, such as a new marriage, with that in mind.

Disagree. Yes to the part where the first obligation has to be respected and accounted for. No to the part where it comes FIRST.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first.

Start with the fact that I was told no children were allowed at their wedding. That is why I did not go. They show me the wedding video later on and her two young cousins, who were my age, were the ring barer and flower girl. His wife did not want me at the wedding because I would have taken away some of my father attention from her day. Then once they were married, she wanted to live closer to her home so they moved back to where my Dad is originally from. Then once they had kids, my father would only see me when she said it was okay. The times I did go up, if she wanted to go out or had plans for the two of them, I would get left with a babysitter. So she came first always and my father went right along with it. So that is how my father prioritized his second wife over me. They eventually divorced.

So sorry PP

Sadly, PP, this is happening to my children now. ExDH's fiancee is very sensitive about the amount of time he spends with his kids -- actively encouraging him to cut the amount of time he spends with kids and discouraging him from spending any time with them and me. So, for example, he used to come over on Friday nights until about 8 pm, eat dinner with them and hang out and play games or watch TV/movies together. This was their best night of the week with him because they didn't have to do homework and could really BE with him. I encouraged him to take the kids out with his new fiancé to her house that he moved into or out to dinner. But, it turns out that she doesn't like the fact that the kids cut into her social activities, to which he must accompany her. I eventually found out that he was taking the kids on Fridays and leaving them alone at her house while the two of them went out to parties. Eventually, about 6 months after moving in with her, he just dropped seeing them altogether Fridays, telling him he was signing up for a workout group Friday evenings (something which he could have easily arranged on another night). He also used to attend weekend sports events even when it wasn't "his day" with the kids. I always invited him to this because all kids want to have their parents at sports events. He also stopped doing this, presumably because she didn't like having "her time" with him cut into by the kids. I find the whole thing ridiculous because, as adults, they have time together every day at breakfast, they work close so they can meet up for lunch and they have time after dinner together. Even on a Friday night he is "done" early enough with them that they can go out and participate in pretty much any social activity together.

I honestly don't understand her perspective. I sometimes wonder if she feels threatened that I "want him back". But, if he has been honest with her about the circumstances of our breakup, I think she would be very clear that he and I are NEVER getting back together. Plus, it has been 10 years since our split, so I think that alone would make it clear that there is no chance of our reconciling. If I were in the fiancé's position, I would just take the time he is with the kids and go out with my girlfriends or to the gym or concentrate on my solo interests or work. Or, I would actively include the kids so that I could bond with them.

The whole thing makes my kids so sad. They consistently see him choosing to do other things over spending time with them either alone or together with his girlfriend. They are old enough to see how he could easily re-arrange things to spend time with them if he wanted to. So, they conclude that he just doesn't want to, and that is REALLY painful. The conclusion that any kid draws is that their own parent doesn't love them enough to spend time with them. Of course, I do think he loves them in his own way, but he is not mature enough to put their interests ahead of his. That gives them a deep sense of insecurity -- they know that they cannot depend on him as a parent.

My question to the PP is -- how do I handle this to minimize the grief to my kids? I have tried to build relationships with other male family members on my side of the family (grandpa, uncles, cousins) and give them a sense that many people DO want to spend time with them. I am ALWAYS there when their dad flakes out on visitation and try to do something with them that is fun instead of having them lounge around the house depressed. I try to explain that the problem lies with HIM, and not with them, but, of course, I don't want to trash him as I don't think that's helpful either. I have always fostered a good relationship with him and the kids, and I have been pleasant to him, because I think that is the better way to move forward. On the other hand, pretending his behavior is normal and desirable doesn't seem healthy either. I don't want them to grow up with the same low expectations in other relationships (or god forbid, as parents themselves).

What would have helped you PP? Is there any way to mitigate the damage a parent does when they consistently put their child second to the subsequent spouse or girlfriend?

What kind of relationship do you have with your father today? I worry that once my kids leave the house, they will really only have contact with him a few times a year. That seems sad to me, but at the same time, I suppose less sad than repeatedly trying to be in his life and being rejected or knowing that they are only wanted when it is convenient.

Seriously? You can't understand why your ex is no longer coming to hang out with you and the kids at your house on Friday nights now that he's in a relationship? If you wanted that you should have stayed married. Divorce means things change and people move on. This doesn't mean he can't still be a great Dad, but it means things will change. Help your kids understand that versus piling on about Dad putting others first.

[Anonymous]

Apparently there is a crazed step mom sock puppet on the loose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do stepmothers do this? Are we this insecure as women that we need to compete with kids for male attention? It's just so messed up.

Is it only stepmothers? Why do we not hear about stepfathers who do this?

I don't know why anyone does it. I posted earlier about a friend who is step mom to two kids who could lose their mom.

I do NOT understand the thinking that the kids can be competed with! They are children.

What is with the parent who chooses to get into a relationship with someone who has no respect for their children?

It's not just men. There is a thread on here in the teen and parenting section that is breaking my heart . It's an aunt caring for her nephew whose mother pushed him out for his stepfather.

It's disgusting!
Why would anyone be attracted that kind of person man or woman? Makes you wonder if they really wanted the children in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very simple.

When a child is conceived, unless they make alternate arrangements (such as giving the child up for adoption), the mother and father agree to take responsibility for that child until the child is no longer a minor, in most US jurisdictions, this is 18. If the couple separate or divorce, they still have that responsibility for the child. If either parent finds a new partner, they do so knowing that they still have the responsibility for the child. If someone marries a partner who already has a child from prior to the marriage, they should do so knowing that their partner already has a standing responsibility to a child that does not get discarded just because they are divorced. Second marriages are undertaken with the understanding that there is a prior responsibility that still has to be respected and accounted for. If you don't want a partner with divided responsibilities and want your marriage to be first and foremost, don't marry a partner who has minor children. If you do, you do so accepting that they have the responsibility to put those children before you or your marriage.

The children come first because the parent made that commitment first and can only go into new commitments, such as a new marriage, with that in mind.

Very well put.

Someone really needed to have read this to my dad and step mom. I wasn't even invited to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very simple.

When a child is conceived, unless they make alternate arrangements (such as giving the child up for adoption), the mother and father agree to take responsibility for that child until the child is no longer a minor, in most US jurisdictions, this is 18. If the couple separate or divorce, they still have that responsibility for the child. If either parent finds a new partner, they do so knowing that they still have the responsibility for the child. If someone marries a partner who already has a child from prior to the marriage, they should do so knowing that their partner already has a standing responsibility to a child that does not get discarded just because they are divorced. Second marriages are undertaken with the understanding that there is a prior responsibility that still has to be respected and accounted for. If you don't want a partner with divided responsibilities and want your marriage to be first and foremost, don't marry a partner who has minor children. If you do, you do so accepting that they have the responsibility to put those children before you or your marriage.

The children come first because the parent made that commitment first and can only go into new commitments, such as a new marriage, with that in mind.

Disagree. Yes to the part where the first obligation has to be respected and accounted for. No to the part where it comes FIRST.

You need to stick to dating people without minor kids.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous

Start with the fact that I was told no children were allowed at their wedding. That is why I did not go. They show me the wedding video later on and her two young cousins, who were my age, were the ring barer and flower girl. His wife did not want me at the wedding because I would have taken away some of my father attention from her day. Then once they were married, she wanted to live closer to her home so they moved back to where my Dad is originally from. Then once they had kids, my father would only see me when she said it was okay. The times I did go up, if she wanted to go out or had plans for the two of them, I would get left with a babysitter. So she came first always and my father went right along with it. So that is how my father prioritized his second wife over me. They eventually divorced.

But aren't you even more furious with your dad? I have a similar tale. Wasn't invited to the wedding, rarely invited to their house, not on the photo christmas card (but half sibilings were), no photos of me in the house, etc. My SM is a really nasty person. That said, I blame my dad- not her. He didn't put his foot down, he wasn't willing to fight the fight, he wasn't willing to forsake the pain that comes with having an argument for his kid. The fault is his, in my eyes anyhow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?

That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment

+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.

Blended families are high drama, high stress environments for everyone involved. That is not fair to the children, who didn't ask for the divorce and who can't say "no" to a new step-parent and who can't move out before they are 18.

You shouldn't remarry if you are divorced and have kids. It's never good for the kids. The person most likely to abuse or molest your child is your new boyfriend or husband. That's an extreme example, but the spectrum of shitty parenting by step-parents is both broad and deep.

This is such complete nonsense. Your absolutism is ridiculous, as is your fear mongering that step-parents are abusers.

I wonder how your step-kids feel about you.