Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career—how to restore balance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update.

But before that, actually, I do get paid for hosting this event. It’s nominal, but I do get paid for my time. So there’s that.

I hosted like usual on Friday. I told him I was standing my ground. Initially, he was fine with it, even supportive, but then yesterday evening started to pout a little bit about it. I think he was giving one last effort to wear me down but he is going to find out that I won’t budge on this. This morning, he actually brought it up in a pleasant manner. We’ll see.

Good for you OP. I sometimes feel like dying a little on the inside when people respect you because you hold your ground, but sadly I think many men will take advantage given the opportunity.

Glad you stuck to your guns.

Yeah men are usually allowed to be selfish while women need to work around them.

No, women don’t need to work around them at all. Stop pushing nonsense and stand up for what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the specific condition?

I’ve had a long-standing personal/health/wellbeing routine at home that keeps me grounded and brings me joy, but his new role comes with requirements that conflict with it. When I agreed to the life changes that came with his role, my one condition was that it not interfere with this, and now it has. He’s suggested a workaround, but it’s not ideal for me and isn’t what we originally agreed to. I’m trying to figure out where the line is between being supportive and giving up too much of myself. I don’t want to get too specific because it is very unique.

In other words, he told you that your workout routine could continue on the same schedule as before, but his schedule now makes that impossible. And you're angry that the accommodation he suggested "isn't ideal for you."

In the post right after this, you wondered if you were being petulant. The answer is yes, and that's about the kindest way to describe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your inflexibility is creating resentment. It’s not like he chooses golf over you, work is not an easily controlled commitment, unless you want to be unemployed. Your resentment is the end of civility and will make you both single. Then you can blame your work for infringing on you mental wellbeing instead of his job.

He doesn’t have some work mandatory thing at home on Fridays, he simply prefers to work from home that day when he has the option. He’s not sacrificing a single thing here when OP has already sacrificed her career trajectory among other things and this selfish arse can’t give her a few hours of peace Friday mornings? For one thing that is important to her?? Just, no.

Sounds like you have never commuted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your inflexibility is creating resentment. It’s not like he chooses golf over you, work is not an easily controlled commitment, unless you want to be unemployed. Your resentment is the end of civility and will make you both single. Then you can blame your work for infringing on you mental wellbeing instead of his job.

He doesn’t have some work mandatory thing at home on Fridays, he simply prefers to work from home that day when he has the option. He’s not sacrificing a single thing here when OP has already sacrificed her career trajectory among other things and this selfish arse can’t give her a few hours of peace Friday mornings? For one thing that is important to her?? Just, no.

Sounds like you have never commuted

I am a woman who commutes over an hour each way as the breadwinner and think OP’s request is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update.

But before that, actually, I do get paid for hosting this event. It’s nominal, but I do get paid for my time. So there’s that.

I hosted like usual on Friday. I told him I was standing my ground. Initially, he was fine with it, even supportive, but then yesterday evening started to pout a little bit about it. I think he was giving one last effort to wear me down but he is going to find out that I won’t budge on this. This morning, he actually brought it up in a pleasant manner. We’ll see.

Drama Queen wife.

[Anonymous]

Ugh pouring men are THE. WORST

[Anonymous]

What's needed is to learn to balance each spouse's individual wants and family's collective needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your inflexibility is creating resentment. It’s not like he chooses golf over you, work is not an easily controlled commitment, unless you want to be unemployed. Your resentment is the end of civility and will make you both single. Then you can blame your work for infringing on you mental wellbeing instead of his job.

He doesn’t have some work mandatory thing at home on Fridays, he simply prefers to work from home that day when he has the option. He’s not sacrificing a single thing here when OP has already sacrificed her career trajectory among other things and this selfish arse can’t give her a few hours of peace Friday mornings? For one thing that is important to her?? Just, no.

Sounds like you have never commuted

I am a woman who commutes over an hour each way as the breadwinner and think OP’s request is reasonable.

I am not saying it isn’t reasonable, but Friday commutes are always the worst ones. I would love to work from home on Friday to avoid the nightmare of that one hour commute becoming 2 hours or more or waiting until 7 to leave and getting home after 8. Maybe my Friday commutes are different than yours, but that would surprise me.

[Anonymous]

Not to derail this, but when are we going to stop teaching our daughters to take less lucrative careers? It feels like these situations are always the product of marriages where the man’s earning power, based on what they do for a living, is so much greater. If one person stays at home it’s not going to be the $1 million plus earner, if there’s just one of those. It’s not the values driving the decision, it’s just the economics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your inflexibility is creating resentment. It’s not like he chooses golf over you, work is not an easily controlled commitment, unless you want to be unemployed. Your resentment is the end of civility and will make you both single. Then you can blame your work for infringing on you mental wellbeing instead of his job.

He doesn’t have some work mandatory thing at home on Fridays, he simply prefers to work from home that day when he has the option. He’s not sacrificing a single thing here when OP has already sacrificed her career trajectory among other things and this selfish arse can’t give her a few hours of peace Friday mornings? For one thing that is important to her?? Just, no.

Sounds like you have never commuted

I am a woman who commutes over an hour each way as the breadwinner and think OP’s request is reasonable.

I am not saying it isn’t reasonable, but Friday commutes are always the worst ones. I would love to work from home on Friday to avoid the nightmare of that one hour commute becoming 2 hours or more or waiting until 7 to leave and getting home after 8. Maybe my Friday commutes are different than yours, but that would surprise me.

My commute from K Street to Alexandria is significantly shorter on Fridays, but I also don't leave the office until 6:30 at the earliest, and I think people tend to leave work earlier on Fridays. I suggest OP's husband stay late if he'd like to have a shorter commute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to derail this, but when are we going to stop teaching our daughters to take less lucrative careers? It feels like these situations are always the product of marriages where the man’s earning power, based on what they do for a living, is so much greater. If one person stays at home it’s not going to be the $1 million plus earner, if there’s just one of those. It’s not the values driving the decision, it’s just the economics.

All of this

- Mother of a future physician

[Anonymous]

I’m so glad you held your ground. I would also use this as a time to consider if there are other places you should be holding your ground more.

I make 75-100% of the money in my household depending on the year. I don’t throw my weight around, opt out of parenting, etc because of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to derail this, but when are we going to stop teaching our daughters to take less lucrative careers? It feels like these situations are always the product of marriages where the man’s earning power, based on what they do for a living, is so much greater. If one person stays at home it’s not going to be the $1 million plus earner, if there’s just one of those. It’s not the values driving the decision, it’s just the economics.

All of this

- Mother of a future physician

I hate to break it to you ladies, but being a high earning woman comes with its own set of problems. You are still expected to be the primary parent by everyone, your promotions are often delayed due to pregnancy and maternity leave, and it’s a lot harder to climb the financial ladder. If you teach your daughters to pursue a lucrative career, you must simultaneously teach them to choose in an egalitarian partner who understands that family responsibilities are shared. Most men are not like this, even if they are good guys. She can have a great career but with the wrong partner she will end up remaining single, or paying alimony to an ex. Ask me how I know. Not saying it’s not possible to have a high earning career and a great home life, but it requires fairly laser-focused strategy.

- Female physician and mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to derail this, but when are we going to stop teaching our daughters to take less lucrative careers? It feels like these situations are always the product of marriages where the man’s earning power, based on what they do for a living, is so much greater. If one person stays at home it’s not going to be the $1 million plus earner, if there’s just one of those. It’s not the values driving the decision, it’s just the economics.

Many of us just by nature had less lucrative careers and ended up with partners whose earning potential was 10x higher than ours. I had worked for 10 years in my career before meeting my husband who made next to nothing when we met. For our quality of life, I stepped back a bit and it worked for us for 7 years, until it didn’t. He makes 500k now, and can probably make 7 figures in the next 5 years. I was a writer at a nonprofit. So if I want to go back to work (which was always over 40 hours/week), he would have to majorly step back in his career in order to do 50%. So instead of HHI of 500k, it’d be HHI of 300k. I don’t know how to solve this. We can’t take that hit if we want to send our kids to college. We don’t even travel a lot, we have one old car, we live relatively modestly. It wasn’t that I was taught to take a less lucrative career, it was that finance or lawyering sounded like hell on earth to me and I wanted to be a writer. Maybe the problem is we built our life around his earning potential. It was exciting, but now I’m lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to derail this, but when are we going to stop teaching our daughters to take less lucrative careers? It feels like these situations are always the product of marriages where the man’s earning power, based on what they do for a living, is so much greater. If one person stays at home it’s not going to be the $1 million plus earner, if there’s just one of those. It’s not the values driving the decision, it’s just the economics.

All of this

- Mother of a future physician

I hate to break it to you ladies, but being a high earning woman comes with its own set of problems. You are still expected to be the primary parent by everyone, your promotions are often delayed due to pregnancy and maternity leave, and it’s a lot harder to climb the financial ladder. If you teach your daughters to pursue a lucrative career, you must simultaneously teach them to choose in an egalitarian partner who understands that family responsibilities are shared. Most men are not like this, even if they are good guys. She can have a great career but with the wrong partner she will end up remaining single, or paying alimony to an ex. Ask me how I know. Not saying it’s not possible to have a high earning career and a great home life, but it requires fairly laser-focused strategy.

- Female physician and mom

I agree with all of this. My sister told me that her daughter told her that she thought she was gay, and my sister’s first thought was “I hope so. Maybe this means she will actually get to have a career.”