Child is severely left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That being said. Make no mistake, I could very well be wrong and what is happening is very serious. She needs a third party she can trust and talk to. It cannot and won't be you. Try not to be jealous. It has nothing to do with you.

[b]

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Hello, i’ve gone through all the things you all have said to me. I’ve tried doing all of them, but things have only gotten worse. DD has tried making new friends, but her fake ones always look at her, laugh at her, and during class literally bully her, shove her out of the way, and tell her to “shut up.” Something that really breaks me is my DD has started doing self-harm (scratching herself until she bleeds) and is really stressed about her relationships along with grades as she’s been getting 60-70 on her tests recently. She has no motivation, and stays in her room all day no matter how hard we try making things fun or getting her out of her room. Is it time to email the counselor? Would that make things worse or better? "

from page 8

Thank you for posting this. I'm the PP who said OP never said those things, and I scanned through ALL the posts for "This is OP" or "OP here", so I missed this one because they didn't start with identifying as OP. But I see that OP wrote that, so apologies for missing it.

That said, I still absolutely stand by my original comment, which is that DD's mental health is absolutely the first priority, and that moving schools without addressing the mental health issues (and OP's stress about the whole thing too) would not solve anything, because mean girls are everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem, as the school adminstrator/counselor points out, is that for a host of practical reasons the counselor cannot and does not know what is going on. The kids on the other hand all do. Thus when a kid goes to see the counselor it's noticed. When questions, no matter how general or circumspect, start getting asked that's noticed as well.

Meanwhile the parents only find out after the damage has been done and are generally dealing with the immediate fall out from whatever straw was placed upon their camel's back.

Counselors are good for helping in the beginning, but the adults don't know what's percolating yet, and after the acceptance phase, but at that point it's usually too late and the issues are different.


There's also the slight problem that some of the potential solutions are not things that anyone who works at a school can ever recommend or suggest. A counselor can never, for ethical and liability reasons, suggest to punch back. By going to the counselor the "victim" is effectively limiting their own response options.


It's a horrible conundrum for kids, parents and school officials because there are no solutions and every action creates a reaction. Acknowledging both the pros and cons is important. Counselors can be helpful but are not a solution.

In the end, what's your advice to OP? What do you think is OP's best path to helping her DD get through this?

The one from page 8?

A lot depends on the grade and the size of the school.

The primary and very serious issue is her depression. She should see the counselor but not because of the bullying. That won't be fixed. Right now she needs to care about herself and you need to look at different schools. Going to the counselor will help with that because you are going to need the school's help finding a new school.

This summer I would suggest a longish trip. The type of trip she can come back from with a rebuilt persona. Hanging out with older but youngish family without you would also help. She has noone she feels she can trust or that understands her.

The hope is that over the summer she can rebuild her confidence and start with a clean slate

Short term, I would suggest embracing being the one that stands alone. Teach her to flail her elbows when they push her. One "accidental" whack to the nose will make them think twice. Come up with some cutting insults to use if needed. If she has dirt, now is the time to spill it. But otherwise advise her to stay as far away from them as possible. Join whatever it is that those girls look down upon (thats where her allies might be found) and hope she finds something she likes.

Other than that you have to leave her alone because you are also in danger of making things worse. She's in a chrysalis and needs to rebuild her ego. The child you knew is gone. Your purpose is now to help guide whatever 2.0 comes out of this.

Wait, you think this girl should change schools over this situation?? Middle and high school are hard, the social drama sucks. It's also really common for things to get really uncomfortable because teens are learning to navigate hard situations and set their own boundaries. What are you teaching your daughter if the takeaway from the way these mean girls are acting (which is bad but not yet egregious or suspendable actions) is to totally disrupt all that is familiar to her and run to another school? What happens when she goes through all that, then her next school turns out to have typical teen social dynamics too? Still change schools again? Running away isn't going to develop her coping skills any better.

What do you think a parent should do if their child is engaging in self-harm, failing out of school and isolating themselves from family? That's not "typical teen social dynamics".

What "coping skills" do you think can be developed in their current situation?

I'm the PP you're replying to, and first off, stop catastrophising this situation. OP NEVER said her daughter is self-harming, and never said she's failing. She said this is taking a toll on her DD's mental health and her grades", but did not give details about either, so stop jumping to the worst conclusions.

Either way, what do I think the parent should do? Attend to her DD's mental health, first and foremost. Because if s/he doesn't attend to it, no matter where her DD goes to school, she's not going to be ok. OP has not named actually getting a therapist for her kid as one of her strategies or anything she's tried, so that is priority #1. Maybe OP should also see a therapist or parent coach too for herself.

Changing schools can sometimes be traumatic in and of itself, and maybe this is news to you but there probably isn't a middle or high school in the US that doesn't have at least some of these dynamics. So whatever is going on for OP in not knowing how to handle this, just moving schools does zero to actually help OP or OP's DD know how to handle this when it happens again. And it's likely to happen again.

DP- Whatever. I changed school for my daughter and she's thriving now. Your kids no longer have her as a punching bag and can worry about being next and then maybe you'll see how damaging this situation. Until then keep spouting off nonsense.

Please, do tell: Given OP's situation now, with daughter self-harming, bullies getting worse, OP totally stressed out and clueless about what else to do, they change schools. What if the same dynamic comes up again? Or what if the new school is even harder? I'm glad it worked for your family, but mean girls are in most schools and some version of this is very possible to happen again. So do tell: if OP goes straight to a search for a new school and they change schools, and this starts up again, explain to me what OP does then? Change schools a 2nd time? How does a focus on changing schools as the next action make anything better if it happens again in the new school if none of the other issues are addressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem, as the school adminstrator/counselor points out, is that for a host of practical reasons the counselor cannot and does not know what is going on. The kids on the other hand all do. Thus when a kid goes to see the counselor it's noticed. When questions, no matter how general or circumspect, start getting asked that's noticed as well.

Meanwhile the parents only find out after the damage has been done and are generally dealing with the immediate fall out from whatever straw was placed upon their camel's back.

Counselors are good for helping in the beginning, but the adults don't know what's percolating yet, and after the acceptance phase, but at that point it's usually too late and the issues are different.


There's also the slight problem that some of the potential solutions are not things that anyone who works at a school can ever recommend or suggest. A counselor can never, for ethical and liability reasons, suggest to punch back. By going to the counselor the "victim" is effectively limiting their own response options.


It's a horrible conundrum for kids, parents and school officials because there are no solutions and every action creates a reaction. Acknowledging both the pros and cons is important. Counselors can be helpful but are not a solution.

In the end, what's your advice to OP? What do you think is OP's best path to helping her DD get through this?

The one from page 8?

A lot depends on the grade and the size of the school.

The primary and very serious issue is her depression. She should see the counselor but not because of the bullying. That won't be fixed. Right now she needs to care about herself and you need to look at different schools. Going to the counselor will help with that because you are going to need the school's help finding a new school.

This summer I would suggest a longish trip. The type of trip she can come back from with a rebuilt persona. Hanging out with older but youngish family without you would also help. She has noone she feels she can trust or that understands her.

The hope is that over the summer she can rebuild her confidence and start with a clean slate

Short term, I would suggest embracing being the one that stands alone. Teach her to flail her elbows when they push her. One "accidental" whack to the nose will make them think twice. Come up with some cutting insults to use if needed. If she has dirt, now is the time to spill it. But otherwise advise her to stay as far away from them as possible. Join whatever it is that those girls look down upon (thats where her allies might be found) and hope she finds something she likes.

Other than that you have to leave her alone because you are also in danger of making things worse. She's in a chrysalis and needs to rebuild her ego. The child you knew is gone. Your purpose is now to help guide whatever 2.0 comes out of this.

Wait, you think this girl should change schools over this situation?? Middle and high school are hard, the social drama sucks. It's also really common for things to get really uncomfortable because teens are learning to navigate hard situations and set their own boundaries. What are you teaching your daughter if the takeaway from the way these mean girls are acting (which is bad but not yet egregious or suspendable actions) is to totally disrupt all that is familiar to her and run to another school? What happens when she goes through all that, then her next school turns out to have typical teen social dynamics too? Still change schools again? Running away isn't going to develop her coping skills any better.

What do you think a parent should do if their child is engaging in self-harm, failing out of school and isolating themselves from family? That's not "typical teen social dynamics".

What "coping skills" do you think can be developed in their current situation?

I'm the PP you're replying to, and first off, stop catastrophising this situation. OP NEVER said her daughter is self-harming, and never said she's failing. She said this is taking a toll on her DD's mental health and her grades", but did not give details about either, so stop jumping to the worst conclusions.

Either way, what do I think the parent should do? Attend to her DD's mental health, first and foremost. Because if s/he doesn't attend to it, no matter where her DD goes to school, she's not going to be ok. OP has not named actually getting a therapist for her kid as one of her strategies or anything she's tried, so that is priority #1. Maybe OP should also see a therapist or parent coach too for herself.

Changing schools can sometimes be traumatic in and of itself, and maybe this is news to you but there probably isn't a middle or high school in the US that doesn't have at least some of these dynamics. So whatever is going on for OP in not knowing how to handle this, just moving schools does zero to actually help OP or OP's DD know how to handle this when it happens again. And it's likely to happen again.

DP- Whatever. I changed school for my daughter and she's thriving now. Your kids no longer have her as a punching bag and can worry about being next and then maybe you'll see how damaging this situation. Until then keep spouting off nonsense.

Please, do tell: Given OP's situation now, with daughter self-harming, bullies getting worse, OP totally stressed out and clueless about what else to do, they change schools. What if the same dynamic comes up again? Or what if the new school is even harder? I'm glad it worked for your family, but mean girls are in most schools and some version of this is very possible to happen again. So do tell: if OP goes straight to a search for a new school and they change schools, and this starts up again, explain to me what OP does then? Change schools a 2nd time? How does a focus on changing schools as the next action make anything better if it happens again in the new school if none of the other issues are addressed?

Can't quit can you. You also seem to be putting the blame on OPs daughter for her situation.

But to humor you, the reason to change schools (which appears to be moot) is to provide the opportunity for a fresh start. Somewhere where she has no reputation and isn't visually reminded of what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem, as the school adminstrator/counselor points out, is that for a host of practical reasons the counselor cannot and does not know what is going on. The kids on the other hand all do. Thus when a kid goes to see the counselor it's noticed. When questions, no matter how general or circumspect, start getting asked that's noticed as well.

Meanwhile the parents only find out after the damage has been done and are generally dealing with the immediate fall out from whatever straw was placed upon their camel's back.

Counselors are good for helping in the beginning, but the adults don't know what's percolating yet, and after the acceptance phase, but at that point it's usually too late and the issues are different.


There's also the slight problem that some of the potential solutions are not things that anyone who works at a school can ever recommend or suggest. A counselor can never, for ethical and liability reasons, suggest to punch back. By going to the counselor the "victim" is effectively limiting their own response options.


It's a horrible conundrum for kids, parents and school officials because there are no solutions and every action creates a reaction. Acknowledging both the pros and cons is important. Counselors can be helpful but are not a solution.

In the end, what's your advice to OP? What do you think is OP's best path to helping her DD get through this?

The one from page 8?

A lot depends on the grade and the size of the school.

The primary and very serious issue is her depression. She should see the counselor but not because of the bullying. That won't be fixed. Right now she needs to care about herself and you need to look at different schools. Going to the counselor will help with that because you are going to need the school's help finding a new school.

This summer I would suggest a longish trip. The type of trip she can come back from with a rebuilt persona. Hanging out with older but youngish family without you would also help. She has noone she feels she can trust or that understands her.

The hope is that over the summer she can rebuild her confidence and start with a clean slate

Short term, I would suggest embracing being the one that stands alone. Teach her to flail her elbows when they push her. One "accidental" whack to the nose will make them think twice. Come up with some cutting insults to use if needed. If she has dirt, now is the time to spill it. But otherwise advise her to stay as far away from them as possible. Join whatever it is that those girls look down upon (thats where her allies might be found) and hope she finds something she likes.

Other than that you have to leave her alone because you are also in danger of making things worse. She's in a chrysalis and needs to rebuild her ego. The child you knew is gone. Your purpose is now to help guide whatever 2.0 comes out of this.

Wait, you think this girl should change schools over this situation?? Middle and high school are hard, the social drama sucks. It's also really common for things to get really uncomfortable because teens are learning to navigate hard situations and set their own boundaries. What are you teaching your daughter if the takeaway from the way these mean girls are acting (which is bad but not yet egregious or suspendable actions) is to totally disrupt all that is familiar to her and run to another school? What happens when she goes through all that, then her next school turns out to have typical teen social dynamics too? Still change schools again? Running away isn't going to develop her coping skills any better.

What do you think a parent should do if their child is engaging in self-harm, failing out of school and isolating themselves from family? That's not "typical teen social dynamics".

What "coping skills" do you think can be developed in their current situation?

I'm the PP you're replying to, and first off, stop catastrophising this situation. OP NEVER said her daughter is self-harming, and never said she's failing. She said this is taking a toll on her DD's mental health and her grades", but did not give details about either, so stop jumping to the worst conclusions.

Either way, what do I think the parent should do? Attend to her DD's mental health, first and foremost. Because if s/he doesn't attend to it, no matter where her DD goes to school, she's not going to be ok. OP has not named actually getting a therapist for her kid as one of her strategies or anything she's tried, so that is priority #1. Maybe OP should also see a therapist or parent coach too for herself.

Changing schools can sometimes be traumatic in and of itself, and maybe this is news to you but there probably isn't a middle or high school in the US that doesn't have at least some of these dynamics. So whatever is going on for OP in not knowing how to handle this, just moving schools does zero to actually help OP or OP's DD know how to handle this when it happens again. And it's likely to happen again.

DP- Whatever. I changed school for my daughter and she's thriving now. Your kids no longer have her as a punching bag and can worry about being next and then maybe you'll see how damaging this situation. Until then keep spouting off nonsense.

Please, do tell: Given OP's situation now, with daughter self-harming, bullies getting worse, OP totally stressed out and clueless about what else to do, they change schools. What if the same dynamic comes up again? Or what if the new school is even harder? I'm glad it worked for your family, but mean girls are in most schools and some version of this is very possible to happen again. So do tell: if OP goes straight to a search for a new school and they change schools, and this starts up again, explain to me what OP does then? Change schools a 2nd time? How does a focus on changing schools as the next action make anything better if it happens again in the new school if none of the other issues are addressed?

Can't quit can you. You also seem to be putting the blame on OPs daughter for her situation.

But to humor you, the reason to change schools (which appears to be moot) is to provide the opportunity for a fresh start. Somewhere where she has no reputation and isn't visually reminded of what happened.

Not sure what you mean about not being able to quit? But I am the person who asked how a new school helps if the underlying issues haven't been dealt with. And your reply didn't answer. Because the question wasn't why change schools, probably everyone in this thread gets why changing schools if nothing else has worked makes sense. The question was why changing schools now when OP's kid is really not doing well and OP hasn't said anything about doing the most basic steps of getting her mental health support. Throw her in the state she's in now into a new school and you're just asking for even more trauma to her kid. That you think a new school is the magic bullet is interesting, but unrealistic given OP's update.

[Anonymous]

OP here: There seems to be confusion with the state we are in currently. So, before around late October my DD and the main friend used to be very very close. They hung out every week, and there was no issue. Suddenly, the main friend started slowly ignoring DD, and invited their whole friend group places without DD knowing. The part I find most toxic is when the main friend of the group started sending pictures to my DD (I am not sure if I have said that yet, but there it is) and started talking to my DD about how fun it was. She would only talk about the hangouts when my DD was there, and make it obvious that my DD was missing out. None of these were open invites either, because once when my DD did think it was, the main friend said "me and MY friends are hanging out this weeked, it's gonna be so fun, you should go do something with your friends" (And before anyone else starts saying "maybe your DD bothered them or were never friends to begin with" My DD was the one who brought this whole group together in Kindergarten.) DD asked if she did anything wrong, and all of them said no and that they would do better. Things kept getting worse, as they whispered and ran away from DD, planned friendsgiving, ect. When my DD started making new friends, her old ones looked at her, laughed at her, and called her "weird" or "friendless" This would not bother my DD if they were not her close friends for 9 years, but seeing everyone turn on her left her heartbroken. To clear up more confusion, I HAVE found my DD a therapist now, and DD clearly stated changing schools now would be useless, because there is less than a year left of MS. Hope this clears things up.

[Anonymous]

Sorry if there are any typos.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for that update OP. How are things going so far with DD & her therapist? Not asking for private details but wondering if you’re seeing anything starting to shift in a posit way with your DD, even though it’s very early & understandable if not much has shifted yet?

And yes, makes sense about changing schools at this point not making sense as a plan.

[Anonymous]

*shift in a positive way ^*

[Anonymous]

And how are you OP? Right now, how are you doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem, as the school adminstrator/counselor points out, is that for a host of practical reasons the counselor cannot and does not know what is going on. The kids on the other hand all do. Thus when a kid goes to see the counselor it's noticed. When questions, no matter how general or circumspect, start getting asked that's noticed as well.

Meanwhile the parents only find out after the damage has been done and are generally dealing with the immediate fall out from whatever straw was placed upon their camel's back.

Counselors are good for helping in the beginning, but the adults don't know what's percolating yet, and after the acceptance phase, but at that point it's usually too late and the issues are different.


There's also the slight problem that some of the potential solutions are not things that anyone who works at a school can ever recommend or suggest. A counselor can never, for ethical and liability reasons, suggest to punch back. By going to the counselor the "victim" is effectively limiting their own response options.


It's a horrible conundrum for kids, parents and school officials because there are no solutions and every action creates a reaction. Acknowledging both the pros and cons is important. Counselors can be helpful but are not a solution.

In the end, what's your advice to OP? What do you think is OP's best path to helping her DD get through this?

The one from page 8?

A lot depends on the grade and the size of the school.

The primary and very serious issue is her depression. She should see the counselor but not because of the bullying. That won't be fixed. Right now she needs to care about herself and you need to look at different schools. Going to the counselor will help with that because you are going to need the school's help finding a new school.

This summer I would suggest a longish trip. The type of trip she can come back from with a rebuilt persona. Hanging out with older but youngish family without you would also help. She has noone she feels she can trust or that understands her.

The hope is that over the summer she can rebuild her confidence and start with a clean slate

Short term, I would suggest embracing being the one that stands alone. Teach her to flail her elbows when they push her. One "accidental" whack to the nose will make them think twice. Come up with some cutting insults to use if needed. If she has dirt, now is the time to spill it. But otherwise advise her to stay as far away from them as possible. Join whatever it is that those girls look down upon (thats where her allies might be found) and hope she finds something she likes.

Other than that you have to leave her alone because you are also in danger of making things worse. She's in a chrysalis and needs to rebuild her ego. The child you knew is gone. Your purpose is now to help guide whatever 2.0 comes out of this.

Wait, you think this girl should change schools over this situation?? Middle and high school are hard, the social drama sucks. It's also really common for things to get really uncomfortable because teens are learning to navigate hard situations and set their own boundaries. What are you teaching your daughter if the takeaway from the way these mean girls are acting (which is bad but not yet egregious or suspendable actions) is to totally disrupt all that is familiar to her and run to another school? What happens when she goes through all that, then her next school turns out to have typical teen social dynamics too? Still change schools again? Running away isn't going to develop her coping skills any better.

DP.

While I don’t think changing schools is the right move (not yet anyway), this is a serious situation and needs to be addressed. The school hasn’t been named. But nearly every school counselor has by now been trained in restorative justice intervention strategies. To the op, could the school organize a restorative justice event to bring all those involved together and begin to effectuate healing here?

Do some reading on restorative justice. To each their own but we don’t ask an abuse victim to sit with their abusers (yes plural). Horrible idea, if you ask many academics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: There seems to be confusion with the state we are in currently. So, before around late October my DD and the main friend used to be very very close. They hung out every week, and there was no issue. Suddenly, the main friend started slowly ignoring DD, and invited their whole friend group places without DD knowing. The part I find most toxic is when the main friend of the group started sending pictures to my DD (I am not sure if I have said that yet, but there it is) and started talking to my DD about how fun it was. She would only talk about the hangouts when my DD was there, and make it obvious that my DD was missing out. None of these were open invites either, because once when my DD did think it was, the main friend said "me and MY friends are hanging out this weeked, it's gonna be so fun, you should go do something with your friends" (And before anyone else starts saying "maybe your DD bothered them or were never friends to begin with" My DD was the one who brought this whole group together in Kindergarten.) DD asked if she did anything wrong, and all of them said no and that they would do better. Things kept getting worse, as they whispered and ran away from DD, planned friendsgiving, ect. When my DD started making new friends, her old ones looked at her, laughed at her, and called her "weird" or "friendless" This would not bother my DD if they were not her close friends for 9 years, but seeing everyone turn on her left her heartbroken. To clear up more confusion, I HAVE found my DD a therapist now, and DD clearly stated changing schools now would be useless, because there is less than a year left of MS. Hope this clears things up.

I just want to say so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone and you are doing everything you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: There seems to be confusion with the state we are in currently. So, before around late October my DD and the main friend used to be very very close. They hung out every week, and there was no issue. Suddenly, the main friend started slowly ignoring DD, and invited their whole friend group places without DD knowing. The part I find most toxic is when the main friend of the group started sending pictures to my DD (I am not sure if I have said that yet, but there it is) and started talking to my DD about how fun it was. She would only talk about the hangouts when my DD was there, and make it obvious that my DD was missing out. None of these were open invites either, because once when my DD did think it was, the main friend said "me and MY friends are hanging out this weeked, it's gonna be so fun, you should go do something with your friends" (And before anyone else starts saying "maybe your DD bothered them or were never friends to begin with" My DD was the one who brought this whole group together in Kindergarten.) DD asked if she did anything wrong, and all of them said no and that they would do better. Things kept getting worse, as they whispered and ran away from DD, planned friendsgiving, ect. When my DD started making new friends, her old ones looked at her, laughed at her, and called her "weird" or "friendless" This would not bother my DD if they were not her close friends for 9 years, but seeing everyone turn on her left her heartbroken. To clear up more confusion, I HAVE found my DD a therapist now, and DD clearly stated changing schools now would be useless, because there is less than a year left of MS. Hope this clears things up.

This sounds like a classic apple not falling far from the tree. If you could go back in time, you were kind in middle school and this girl’s mom was the mean girl and the mom encourages it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem, as the school adminstrator/counselor points out, is that for a host of practical reasons the counselor cannot and does not know what is going on. The kids on the other hand all do. Thus when a kid goes to see the counselor it's noticed. When questions, no matter how general or circumspect, start getting asked that's noticed as well.

Meanwhile the parents only find out after the damage has been done and are generally dealing with the immediate fall out from whatever straw was placed upon their camel's back.

Counselors are good for helping in the beginning, but the adults don't know what's percolating yet, and after the acceptance phase, but at that point it's usually too late and the issues are different.


There's also the slight problem that some of the potential solutions are not things that anyone who works at a school can ever recommend or suggest. A counselor can never, for ethical and liability reasons, suggest to punch back. By going to the counselor the "victim" is effectively limiting their own response options.


It's a horrible conundrum for kids, parents and school officials because there are no solutions and every action creates a reaction. Acknowledging both the pros and cons is important. Counselors can be helpful but are not a solution.

In the end, what's your advice to OP? What do you think is OP's best path to helping her DD get through this?

The one from page 8?

A lot depends on the grade and the size of the school.

The primary and very serious issue is her depression. She should see the counselor but not because of the bullying. That won't be fixed. Right now she needs to care about herself and you need to look at different schools. Going to the counselor will help with that because you are going to need the school's help finding a new school.

This summer I would suggest a longish trip. The type of trip she can come back from with a rebuilt persona. Hanging out with older but youngish family without you would also help. She has noone she feels she can trust or that understands her.

The hope is that over the summer she can rebuild her confidence and start with a clean slate

Short term, I would suggest embracing being the one that stands alone. Teach her to flail her elbows when they push her. One "accidental" whack to the nose will make them think twice. Come up with some cutting insults to use if needed. If she has dirt, now is the time to spill it. But otherwise advise her to stay as far away from them as possible. Join whatever it is that those girls look down upon (thats where her allies might be found) and hope she finds something she likes.

Other than that you have to leave her alone because you are also in danger of making things worse. She's in a chrysalis and needs to rebuild her ego. The child you knew is gone. Your purpose is now to help guide whatever 2.0 comes out of this.

Wait, you think this girl should change schools over this situation?? Middle and high school are hard, the social drama sucks. It's also really common for things to get really uncomfortable because teens are learning to navigate hard situations and set their own boundaries. What are you teaching your daughter if the takeaway from the way these mean girls are acting (which is bad but not yet egregious or suspendable actions) is to totally disrupt all that is familiar to her and run to another school? What happens when she goes through all that, then her next school turns out to have typical teen social dynamics too? Still change schools again? Running away isn't going to develop her coping skills any better.

What do you think a parent should do if their child is engaging in self-harm, failing out of school and isolating themselves from family? That's not "typical teen social dynamics".

What "coping skills" do you think can be developed in their current situation?

I'm the PP you're replying to, and first off, stop catastrophising this situation. OP NEVER said her daughter is self-harming, and never said she's failing. She said this is taking a toll on her DD's mental health and her grades", but did not give details about either, so stop jumping to the worst conclusions.

Either way, what do I think the parent should do? Attend to her DD's mental health, first and foremost. Because if s/he doesn't attend to it, no matter where her DD goes to school, she's not going to be ok. OP has not named actually getting a therapist for her kid as one of her strategies or anything she's tried, so that is priority #1. Maybe OP should also see a therapist or parent coach too for herself.

Changing schools can sometimes be traumatic in and of itself, and maybe this is news to you but there probably isn't a middle or high school in the US that doesn't have at least some of these dynamics. So whatever is going on for OP in not knowing how to handle this, just moving schools does zero to actually help OP or OP's DD know how to handle this when it happens again. And it's likely to happen again.

DP- Whatever. I changed school for my daughter and she's thriving now. Your kids no longer have her as a punching bag and can worry about being next and then maybe you'll see how damaging this situation. Until then keep spouting off nonsense.

Please, do tell: Given OP's situation now, with daughter self-harming, bullies getting worse, OP totally stressed out and clueless about what else to do, they change schools. What if the same dynamic comes up again? Or what if the new school is even harder? I'm glad it worked for your family, but mean girls are in most schools and some version of this is very possible to happen again. So do tell: if OP goes straight to a search for a new school and they change schools, and this starts up again, explain to me what OP does then? Change schools a 2nd time? How does a focus on changing schools as the next action make anything better if it happens again in the new school if none of the other issues are addressed?

Because the girls at the other school were psychotic jerks? My daughter always had friends at camp, outside activities, and neighbors. That clear enough for you? She wasn’t the problem. You seem to have some of your own issues.

[Anonymous]

This hits close to home… my daughter had a really close family friend she counted on during this tough time. In high school at least now she knows to choose her friends carefully, and know when to leave as soon as it gets toxic.