Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my kid came home and there was no dinner, he’d make something for himself. Not a big deal. He wouldn’t expect that I would bring him food. He’s capable of making his own because I taught him starting around age 7-8.

So you have been training him from the time he was 7 years old to know that he can’t rely on you. I know you think this is a parenting flex, but I think it’s depressing.

I have higher hopes for that 7 year old than for your kid. If that 7 year old comes looking for a job at 17, I'd pick him over yours in a minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You created this and your children are entitled.

We never bring carry out home when we eat out without the kids and our kids are in elementary school. I cannot imagine high schoolers not knowing how to feed themselves or expecting me to feed them outside of doing groceries.

I assume you have food at home.
I assume your 17 year old gets lunch or dinner breaks at work.
I assume she can make her own food when she gets home or worst case she could get in the car and pick something up for herself with some of the money that she makes.

This. I guess I don’t really understood. We never bring carry out back when we go on dates- not once. When the kids were younger, I made sure they had dinner for the babysitter to heat up, or they got pizza. Now that they are teens, if we go out, I make sure the frig is stocked, but they can easily make themselves grilled cheese, quesadillas, omelettes, eat leftovers. Your kids are even older and driving. As long as they know ahead of time you and spouse are going out to dinner, they can fix themselves something at home or grab their own takeout on the way home. Your kids are brats

Some of you posters are raising kids who aren’t going to call you or visit you when you’re old. You should definitely plan on that - you have ample time and opportunity, and you have set the precedent that you are not responsible for your kids and therefore they are not responsible for you. And that anyone desiring family to think of them or their happiness beyond basic responsibility is a brat.

Enjoy the old folks home, people.

How do you know how much time these parents have? Just because you do?

[Anonymous]

Just answering "do all parents do this [take home from restaurant]" part -- no. We have never brought them food from whatever restaurant we are eating at. For one thing, they'd be starved by the time we got home. When we go out without our teen age boys, we either make something for them if we have time, or they make themselves dinner at home, because we started teaching them how to cook when they were about 6 years old, and we make sure there is food in the house they can prepare for themselves.

Same for most of our friends. My college kid lives in a suite with four other boys, and they all know how to cook, so I don't think this is uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I used to work 15 hour days around your daughter’s age. Including my commute, I was out of the house for 17 hours at a time. I would come home and pass out, because that’s how exhausted I was (and get up a few hours later to do my schoolwork).

I was really grateful to have supportive parents that understood that there were little things they could do to make my life easier. One or the other would get up early to make me breakfast. Dad would offer to drive me. There was a plate in the microwave for me. None was that was because I asked for it or expected it, but because they understood that I was trying, and wanted me to know that they were appreciative and supportive.

We have continued to have close relationships as adults. I guess this is my long winded way of saying you should always choose kindness. Your children will never forget it.

+1

I worked until 10:30 every weeknight after school. My parents would often be in bed by the time I got home. But my Dad ALWAYS had a plate prepared for me, ready to either pop into the oven or the microwave.

Not the same situation. These parents went out one night. Yours was a regular routine. 17 year old can survive coming home one night without dinner waiting for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my kid came home and there was no dinner, he’d make something for himself. Not a big deal. He wouldn’t expect that I would bring him food. He’s capable of making his own because I taught him starting around age 7-8.

So you have been training him from the time he was 7 years old to know that he can’t rely on you. I know you think this is a parenting flex, but I think it’s depressing.

Teaching your child how to cook is not teaching them they can't rely on you. It is teaching them they can rely on themselves. PP did NOT say she left her 7 year old to fend for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just answering "do all parents do this [take home from restaurant]" part -- no. We have never brought them food from whatever restaurant we are eating at. For one thing, they'd be starved by the time we got home. When we go out without our teen age boys, we either make something for them if we have time, or they make themselves dinner at home, because we started teaching them how to cook when they were about 6 years old, and we make sure there is food in the house they can prepare for themselves.

Same for most of our friends. My college kid lives in a suite with four other boys, and they all know how to cook, so I don't think this is uncommon.

I still fear my young teen will burn the house down if they cook when I'm not home. Just remembering to turn off the stove or burner seems unlikely. I often order takeout if my teen stays home while I go out. But my teen is 13, not 17. As far as your 24-year-old, hell no. They're on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dysfunction runs deep in certain communities. How can you not be bothered to get something for your kids if you are living together?

You missed the follow up. They offered but she didn't like the options.

[Anonymous]

Ha! Plot twist.

When I eat out with DS, it is DH who texts and asks if we can bring home carryout for him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son works until late and gets home around 10pm.

If i go out to eat I send him the link to the restaurant and say do you want me to get you something.

25% of the time he says yes, most the time he says no...

but really most things are not open at 10pm and I don't expect him to come home at 10 and start cooking.

He also texts me, i'm stopping at chipotle/cave/chic-fil-a/whatever do you want me to get something for you?

I think these communications are pretty normal family interactions.

I posted earlier that I Venmo my senior $$ if I don't have dinner so he can pick something up, but he too, will always ask if I want something if he's randomly picking something up after work. Consideration goes both ways.

Yea it comes down to communication and basic consideration. If they know a head I’m not getting something they make a plan, if they are getting something they check if I’m interested too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just answering "do all parents do this [take home from restaurant]" part -- no. We have never brought them food from whatever restaurant we are eating at. For one thing, they'd be starved by the time we got home. When we go out without our teen age boys, we either make something for them if we have time, or they make themselves dinner at home, because we started teaching them how to cook when they were about 6 years old, and we make sure there is food in the house they can prepare for themselves.

Same for most of our friends. My college kid lives in a suite with four other boys, and they all know how to cook, so I don't think this is uncommon.

I still fear my young teen will burn the house down if they cook when I'm not home. Just remembering to turn off the stove or burner seems unlikely. I often order takeout if my teen stays home while I go out. But my teen is 13, not 17. As far as your 24-year-old, hell no. They're on their own.

Yes, it is a "know your own child" calculus on the age when you trust them to cook without you present, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello,
Thank you for the responses. It's good to hear and and think about. I guess I should have wrote a little more. First, before I was able to ask her what she wanted from somewhere else,( even if it was fastfood,) thats when she said that. Also, one of the main reasons we didnt text her to find out what she wants was because she hates the food from this particular place. Never wants anything from there, which is fine.
We have an abundance of food in our house, but she doesnt like to make anything for herself. Which Ive asked her if we could cook some easy meals together so she would know how.
She won't really eat leftovers, but quick little meals is what we always have in the pantry or fridge.
I have communicated to both kids that we won't be able to always bring carryout out for them, especially if we ask them to go and they just want to stay home on their phones. Thought this could encourage a little family time.
I just thought it was a little rude and sometimes I don't know anymore

I was on your side before your additional explanation. Now I am even MORE on your side. It's on her if she refuses to learn how to prepare food for herself or too lazy to bother. I have an 18 year old with that same attitude. My 16 year old will make herself mac n cheese, or rice and kielbasa, or a grilled cheese or something. She's very very picky with a very limited palette; so, yeah, this horrible parent gave up on providing 3 full meals for every member of the family a long time ago. Glad this discussion didn't come up when my kids were in middle school because folks would be calling protective services on me for having them pack their own school lunches.

For those so concerned about a positive family relationship, taking the pressure away from just me to make everybody happy for 21 meals a week was a big step in that direction. If mama ain't happy.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello,
Thank you for the responses. It's good to hear and and think about. I guess I should have wrote a little more. First, before I was able to ask her what she wanted from somewhere else,( even if it was fastfood,) thats when she said that. Also, one of the main reasons we didnt text her to find out what she wants was because she hates the food from this particular place. Never wants anything from there, which is fine.
We have an abundance of food in our house, but she doesnt like to make anything for herself. Which Ive asked her if we could cook some easy meals together so she would know how.
She won't really eat leftovers, but quick little meals is what we always have in the pantry or fridge.
I have communicated to both kids that we won't be able to always bring carryout out for them, especially if we ask them to go and they just want to stay home on their phones. Thought this could encourage a little family time.
I just thought it was a little rude and sometimes I don't know anymore

OK—so reading between the lines here, you knew how this would play out before it happened.

Instead of “teaching a lesson” by setting your daughter up to fail, next time let her know what to expect when she get home.

I'm still on OP's side. Her kids have been told they won't always be able to bring dinner home for them. She has offered to help them learn how to prepare some easy meals for themselves. Princess has already been warned and offered assistance to be able to do for herself when the occasion arises. Clearly she hasn't learned her lesson or taken her parent's word seriously. Now she does. You people are making such a big deal out of one night the 17 year old daughter responsible enough to have a job might have had to go a little hungry....by her own reluctance to learn how to take care of her own food even on occasion.

OP - ZERO GUILT is appropriate for you. Your daughter is entitled and needed a wake up call. Hopefully this gave it to her. Will be anxious to hear what your 24 year old says when his 17 year old whines about not having dinner brought home for them one night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the first time she’s worked a double? Or worked right up until meal time?
What have u done previously?
I think it’s a gray area, we would probably discuss the day before, or that morning, what everyone is doing for dinner. We don’t just assume because that’s when this kind of stuff happens.
You’re entitled to dinner out and shouldn’t have to provide food for a teen, but you should have discussed it.

Generally, I'd agree a heads-up/reminder would be right. However, it shouldn't be a requirement at this stage. What if going out to dinner was spontaneous? Daughter would still come home to a message saying "we went out" and no meal waiting for her. She should be able to problem-solve and have some cereal or yogurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't your 17 yr old capable of making herself a bowl or soup? A sandwich? Frozen ravioli? A salad? And on and on.

Is your 24 yr old living with you? He should be paying you rent.

When you choose to get carryout for your kids or take them to dinner it is a TREAT for them. You are not at all obligated to do this.

OP didn't say she's not capable. Daughter has rejected learning. It was her choice. If she refuses to heat up leftovers, that's on her, not on OP at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t always bring food for my kids when we go out. But honestly if my kid had just worked a double shift I definitely would have said yes. It’s just the nice thing to do.

I'm going out on a limb and presuming this wasn't daughter's first night working.
When my kids are working or have a late activity and aren't home for usual dinner time, I'm not planning my entire evening and meal around their individual schedules. Sometimes I do help get something for my daughter for an early dinner if she's got to get back to school for an activity. Other times, she fends for herself.
If I cook dinner, there will be their portion when they get home that they can dish out and re-heat as they desire. If we know we're going out or won't be preparing a dinner at home for whatever reason, we let them know. But I'm not going to cook a meal just for them when we spontaneously decide to go out with friends or whatnot. My teens are intelligent enough to figure out that there isn't a dinner waiting. The older one will probably text to ask when we're going to be home and if we're bringing dinner...even when we've given advanced notice. Same answer: no. He's got a job and a driver's license and a bank card and is independently mobile.