Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ I would also be willing to bet that many of the parents responding above have younger kids. I had it all figured out when my kids were 10, too.

Wrong. Almost 15, and 10. And I teach high school. But I actually monitor my kids activities and their phones and parent them, not ignore them and then panic and discipline when I realize they’ve been acting out in harmful ways because of my own negligence.

[Anonymous]

Good Lord there are some awful people in this thread. If parenting has taught me anything it's never say never, or as I've heard - As soon as you say "my kid would never" you're going to see them nevering like you never thought they could. My point is, the best, most well intentioned parents, have kids who make poor choices.

OP, I'd say it's time to dial it all back and turn up the supervision. I've heard PLENTY of stories of kids your daughter's age getting in trouble for similar things. These kids aren't ruined or a waste. They're kids who made mistakes and need boundaries, limits, and guidance. Part of the problem is you will find a lot of parents don't do these things so that will feel like swimming upstream, which is hard. I agree that a family therapist could help. Hugs and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd start by switching schools for high school. New friends ASAP. More weekend activities with the family. Put her in a sport that keeps her too busy to sneak out and party with this fast crowd.

Yep. Busy, busy, busy with friends who are also super busy.

I let my ADHD popular girl do three sports during the school year for this reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

So much sock puppeting going on in this thread.

[Anonymous]

I hate when folks blame the parents. I did similar behavior when I was her daughter's age. My parents were very involved in my life. I got straight As. I was in Girl Scouts. I was involved with numerous volunteer projects and my church group. We had family dinner every night.

I also really liked drinking and boys. My parents could not be with my every single second and I was a good liar.

OP: My parents obviously eventually found out. I went into therapy. It helped some but to be honest the only thing that helped me change was to completely get a new set of friends and never talk to my old friends again. So I think folks are right on with that advice.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she's in with a high speed popular crowd?

I'd try to get her away from those kids. Not sure exactly how but grounding is a start.

Not enough to take away her phone. Take away her laptop and ipad if she has them and tell them she can use them for homework in an open space like the living room or dining room with the screen visible to her parent(s).

Tell her she's not allowed to text, snapchat, etc, with that crowd anymore.

Go through her devices, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses on here are just horrible. The judgment and cruelty are the reason people are leaving this site.

OP, I’m sorry your daughter is going through this and you are overwhelmed. I agree she needs something by more than punishment - it seems like she is acting out to get attention. If you can afford it, individual and family therapy will help. Do you have any family member who can help with respite care for your SN kid?

And for the other posters - I wouldn’t be so holier than thou. This can happen even to kids of involved, loving parents. It is insane to call for a CPS investigation or removal from the home. Have any of you ever been involved in the foster care system? Because it is deeply traumatizing to kids.

Yea, reading these comments is literally making me want to quit DCUM for good. OP came here for help and the judgment and nasty comments are unreal.

OP, I have not dealt with this with my own kids (yet?) but my middle school friends were heading down a bad path and my parents made me go to private school for high school and it was the best thing for me. New friend group, not as “fast.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did she say she was neglecting her child? She said she was occupied with the SN older sibling and needed to give more attention to the 13YO - that is very different than “neglect.” The mom is not out at the bars. The mom is not so enmeshed in dating or work or yoga classes that she can’t pay attention to the 13YO. She has a SN kid. No, a 13YO should not be drinking and hooking up, and it does seem like she is trying to get attention, but you all are outrageously judgmental. I truly hope your kids never go through anything like this.

And this is timely https://parentingteensandtweens.com/parenting-teens-means-dealing-with-their-bad-choices/?fbclid=IwAR0Rcx3vQKwa2tiRII2rwptY3_Q3PCFcjJMyR1tt8IULVyeZjVizpRKRbkc

More excuses! Does it make the neglect alright because it's a "valid" reason? The child probably has been left to fend for herself for several years now. When was the last time OP spent time with her DD at an activity, game, coffee shop just anything? Hoping OP wakes up and realizes she needs to change her parenting instead of seeking ideas for adding more consequences. Its one thing if the parent was present and the child falters but its something else to just give up and set the child up to fail and say it wouldn't matter anyway!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ I would also be willing to bet that many of the parents responding above have younger kids. I had it all figured out when my kids were 10, too.

Wrong. Almost 15, and 10. And I teach high school. But I actually monitor my kids activities and their phones and parent them, not ignore them and then panic and discipline when I realize they’ve been acting out in harmful ways because of my own negligence.

Key info: you work with hs so you get it. I do too. A lot of parents who don’t work with kids really don’t understand kids and the things they hide or do. Sure parents may have messed up but there’s also a chance they didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did she say she was neglecting her child? She said she was occupied with the SN older sibling and needed to give more attention to the 13YO - that is very different than “neglect.” The mom is not out at the bars. The mom is not so enmeshed in dating or work or yoga classes that she can’t pay attention to the 13YO. She has a SN kid. No, a 13YO should not be drinking and hooking up, and it does seem like she is trying to get attention, but you all are outrageously judgmental. I truly hope your kids never go through anything like this.

And this is timely https://parentingteensandtweens.com/parenting-teens-means-dealing-with-their-bad-choices/?fbclid=IwAR0Rcx3vQKwa2tiRII2rwptY3_Q3PCFcjJMyR1tt8IULVyeZjVizpRKRbkc

More excuses! Does it make the neglect alright because it's a "valid" reason? The child probably has been left to fend for herself for several years now. When was the last time OP spent time with her DD at an activity, game, coffee shop just anything? Hoping OP wakes up and realizes she needs to change her parenting instead of seeking ideas for adding more consequences. Its one thing if the parent was present and the child falters but its something else to just give up and set the child up to fail and say it wouldn't matter anyway!

Not OP but I just wanted to chime in to say you are a piece of $hit human being.

Judging others asking for help is disgusting.

Walk a mile in a moms shoes that deals with a SN child on top of all the other things.

I mean the f do you think you are?

[Anonymous]

^this isn’t it. OP needs a wake up call. Her daughter is at HUGE risk right now for substance abuse issues, alcohol issues, and being sexually assaulted, given an STD, or becoming pregnant. She is THIRTEEN and crying out for attention. It sucks the older kid is SN. But that doesn’t excuse mom and dad being so checked out that a **13 year old** has been given so much freedom and laxity that she’s had many opportunities to engage in this behavior and “hide” it in the plain open on her phone.

Defending op as if she’s done nothing wrong is not helping this kid. Op does need the wake up call that you don’t get to drop the ball on taking care of one of your kids and then get head pays and hugs for it. She didn’t even come here saying “what can I do to be a better, more engaged and invested parent to my at-risk young daughter?” She came asking what more punishment to give. I feel TERRIBLE for her poor kid, not her.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, you and your daughter will be fine. This is a wake up call for both of you. Some changes need to be made.

I did similar things in 8th grade and I am a very successful person with a wonderful family and a power job (who actually doesn’t drink now).

It her friends, just like it was in my situation. Try to steer her in another direction. For me, I went to a private high school after attending public k-8.

And to all those judgmental people who think these things are just so awful and the parents are awful, grow up. Guess what, not only did I grow up to be a successful person, so did majority of the people I hung out with in 8th grade too. When you are young you do stupid things. In most cases it doesn’t define you (or your parents). And if you think your child has or never will do stupid things then you have a tough dose of reality coming to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13 is so young. She needs to realize how damaging alcohol is for the brain at that age.

Time for new friends and a new school! 13 is way too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate when folks blame the parents. I did similar behavior when I was her daughter's age. My parents were very involved in my life. I got straight As. I was in Girl Scouts. I was involved with numerous volunteer projects and my church group. We had family dinner every night.

I also really liked drinking and boys. My parents could not be with my every single second and I was a good liar.

OP: My parents obviously eventually found out. I went into therapy. It helped some but to be honest the only thing that helped me change was to completely get a new set of friends and never talk to my old friends again. So I think folks are right on with that advice.

But this is the main advice we are giving, and the reason we are judging. If “your” children are hanging out with the worthless popular kids, don’t be surprised when you discover that they’re doing bad things.