Dad fell, SIL lives closest

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are dismissing the enormous value of red-tape/financial help that DH is providing. Having been there, I can tell you that navigating insurance companies, scheduling appointments, and paying an elderly person's bills (especially if said person is not enrolled in auto-pay) is a pain in the butt. Add to that the stress of also needing to be finding work, and it's really not nothing. Seems like some folks on this thread have had experiences with layabout men and have outdated gender stereotype issues.

Why on earth would someone with two young kids who lives nowhere nearby be faulted for not being the primary provider when the person with grown kids in the same town offered to take on the role? Especially when the other family offered to have the infirm person move into their home?

It seems like the issue at hand is planning and communicating.


LOL just making stuff up to create an "enormous value" out of OP saying upfront that he's not helping much. OP's actual words were "my DH has been going for a day a week to help and also doing things remotely (like paying his bills and what not)."


How is that "not helping much?" You're reading selectively in the hopes of taking offense! That seems like a lot of time, to me.


You turned "paying his bills and what not" into "enormous value" and added a bunch of completly invented nonsense. Not only did OP never even hint that he was, there's no chance DH is scheduling the appointments when SIL is the one who has to skip work and get him to them, just for starters. Nobody said DH is navigating the insurance challenges; you made that up. None of that. Paying bills online and showing up once a week is "not helping much", as evidenced by OP who said in her own words that his sister is doing the majority of the caregiving.

It's just as quick for me to point out your lies as it is for you to type them. I'm fine with the effort on my end.


Lots of you seem to be inventing conversations that OP/DH/SIL had or didn't have involving FIL's care, so what's a few more, but this time in support of OP/DH?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. A lot of these replies have been so judgmental and hurtful. I found more insightful and less catty replies elsewhere, both in real life and on other boards geared to midlife issues. I don't know why people take such perverse glee in whipping up trouble and creating fake scenarios about my unemployed husband doing nothing and about me putting up roadblocks while I'm trying to hold down a job so we're both not unemployed.

I asked my supervisor about the business travel and was given a stern no, this was planned for almost a year. Not going isn't an option, and I lost face with my boss. It was an incredibly awkward conversation and I feel as if I wouldn't have done it had I not read so many replies that made me feel like a complete lout of an in-law. I am just trying to do the right thing for everyone.

I would really suggest thinking more compassionately in your replies here. It might be an anonymous board but real people are involved.


I hope that your boss also lost face with you, OP. What the hell? Did they rise out of the sea on a wave, with no family, no dependents, no responsibilities outside of work? I certainly hope that if someone had died, they would not give you a "stern no," and that if they did, you would not have accepted it. Your workplace, or at least your boss, is dysfunctional and toxic.
Anonymous
What I have noticed on DCUM -- and I'm sure it's human nature overall -- is that people project their own baggage and anger onto anonymous scenarios. Perhaps someone here had a male sibling who didn't step up, or another female poster is an overworked caregiver. The rage shines through and clouds any objectivity or compassion.

I also think people just post provocative nonsense to be mean.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. A lot of these replies have been so judgmental and hurtful. I found more insightful and less catty replies elsewhere, both in real life and on other boards geared to midlife issues. I don't know why people take such perverse glee in whipping up trouble and creating fake scenarios about my unemployed husband doing nothing and about me putting up roadblocks while I'm trying to hold down a job so we're both not unemployed.

I asked my supervisor about the business travel and was given a stern no, this was planned for almost a year. Not going isn't an option, and I lost face with my boss. It was an incredibly awkward conversation and I feel as if I wouldn't have done it had I not read so many replies that made me feel like a complete lout of an in-law. I am just trying to do the right thing for everyone.

I would really suggest thinking more compassionately in your replies here. It might be an anonymous board but real people are involved.


You really need to stop lecturing everyone, toots. Your SIL likely knows your husband is unemployed, right? So for weeks he's been allowing her to be the primary caregiver while I bet she has been waiting for her brother to step the hell up. Well, he hasn't. So now she has reached a critical point when she can't take more time off. If your husband had been more equitable from the start this situation would likely not have materialized. Now everyone is in crisis. Your husband needs to drive there this weekend, pack up dad and bring him home. There are other doctors. Give your SIL the real break she desperately needs. You guys have been doing the bare minimum forcing her to speak up.


NP, you are lecturing too. Since you are taking a backwards look - I will too. SIL knows the amount of leave she has and lives with her father 24/7 and is therefore best positioned to know what FIL needs. It appears she did not speak up in advance but left everything to the very end, making this a crisis when if she was an adult and had a little bit of long range thinking/planning, much could be avoided. My heart goes out to SIL to be sure, but really, she couldn't have discussed this with her brother weeks ago? Also, I don't see how 1 week will solve anything. SIL is out of leave. Her continuing to present it this way shows how she is on her way to making a big deal into an even bigger deal.

She obviously did speak up, because her unemployed brother has been going up 1 day a week. He knows that she needs help and has needed help for several weeks. He or OP just refused to go help more.

1 week will absolutey help. She will get a chance to breathe. They can both have indepth discussions over what needs to happen. He can go tour facilities. Is it a final solution? Absolutely not. It's a life jacket, to throw out to someone dealing with a very difficult situation when all OP is doing is making things more difficult.


Brother going up 1 day/week does not mean sister discussed long-rang planning or she asked for more help. Complete non-sequitor.
What's going to happen after 1 week? Nothing, unless they actually make a plan.

You are so eager to lay this all at the feet of OP and her DH; our whole response lacks credibility.


We dont know that either! Clearly she is asking for help now, and she clearly asked for help then, otherwise he wouldn't be going up at all. You are trying to judge how strongly she asked for help, whereas some of us are saying she shouldn't have had to pressure this hard. He's fcking unemployed!
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing OP took the same nonchalant attitude with her boss as she is with this situation - treating it more like an inconvenience than a crisis. It's not like she actually wants to help FIL, so making it sound like something dumb and inconsequential makes it really easy to stay "stuck" in these plans.


Do you guys even work? No boss is going to say okay you don't have to lead the conference that has been in the works for one year UNLESS you tell the boss you cannot do so.

I have a very understanding workplace, which I do realize makes me very lucky. My mother had a health scare and needed to travel to a different state for care, for almost 3 weeks. I asked my boss if it was ok to work remotely for this, and I did have to miss a meeting & team building event but it doesnt seem as large as OPs. He told me, without a single question, go, take care of her, take care of yourself, let me know if you need anything. And I did. And I am so grateful that I dont work for a sh&tty company that would not allow someone to go care for a family member.




Cool - so you seem to understand that OP's boss actually did not make it easy for her to help next week like your boss did. So maybe we could deal with the facts of OP's boss and not all of these supposedly understanding bosses who are not at issue here.

We dont even know what OP asked. She doesnt seem to consider this a crisis, she probably played it off like NBD to her boss so of course boss isn't going to let her cancel for a slight inconvenience.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. A lot of these replies have been so judgmental and hurtful. I found more insightful and less catty replies elsewhere, both in real life and on other boards geared to midlife issues. I don't know why people take such perverse glee in whipping up trouble and creating fake scenarios about my unemployed husband doing nothing and about me putting up roadblocks while I'm trying to hold down a job so we're both not unemployed.

I asked my supervisor about the business travel and was given a stern no, this was planned for almost a year. Not going isn't an option, and I lost face with my boss. It was an incredibly awkward conversation and I feel as if I wouldn't have done it had I not read so many replies that made me feel like a complete lout of an in-law. I am just trying to do the right thing for everyone.

I would really suggest thinking more compassionately in your replies here. It might be an anonymous board but real people are involved.


You really need to stop lecturing everyone, toots. Your SIL likely knows your husband is unemployed, right? So for weeks he's been allowing her to be the primary caregiver while I bet she has been waiting for her brother to step the hell up. Well, he hasn't. So now she has reached a critical point when she can't take more time off. If your husband had been more equitable from the start this situation would likely not have materialized. Now everyone is in crisis. Your husband needs to drive there this weekend, pack up dad and bring him home. There are other doctors. Give your SIL the real break she desperately needs. You guys have been doing the bare minimum forcing her to speak up.


NP, you are lecturing too. Since you are taking a backwards look - I will too. SIL knows the amount of leave she has and lives with her father 24/7 and is therefore best positioned to know what FIL needs. It appears she did not speak up in advance but left everything to the very end, making this a crisis when if she was an adult and had a little bit of long range thinking/planning, much could be avoided. My heart goes out to SIL to be sure, but really, she couldn't have discussed this with her brother weeks ago? Also, I don't see how 1 week will solve anything. SIL is out of leave. Her continuing to present it this way shows how she is on her way to making a big deal into an even bigger deal.

She obviously did speak up, because her unemployed brother has been going up 1 day a week. He knows that she needs help and has needed help for several weeks. He or OP just refused to go help more.

1 week will absolutey help. She will get a chance to breathe. They can both have indepth discussions over what needs to happen. He can go tour facilities. Is it a final solution? Absolutely not. It's a life jacket, to throw out to someone dealing with a very difficult situation when all OP is doing is making things more difficult.


Brother going up 1 day/week does not mean sister discussed long-rang planning or she asked for more help. Complete non-sequitor.
What's going to happen after 1 week? Nothing, unless they actually make a plan.

You are so eager to lay this all at the feet of OP and her DH; our whole response lacks credibility.


We dont know that either! Clearly she is asking for help now, and she clearly asked for help then, otherwise he wouldn't be going up at all. You are trying to judge how strongly she asked for help, whereas some of us are saying she shouldn't have had to pressure this hard. He's fcking unemployed!


You are inventing a scenario. SHE OFFERED TO TAKE HIM IN. Where is anyone pressuring anyone?? Good gravy!
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing OP took the same nonchalant attitude with her boss as she is with this situation - treating it more like an inconvenience than a crisis. It's not like she actually wants to help FIL, so making it sound like something dumb and inconsequential makes it really easy to stay "stuck" in these plans.


Do you guys even work? No boss is going to say okay you don't have to lead the conference that has been in the works for one year UNLESS you tell the boss you cannot do so.

I have a very understanding workplace, which I do realize makes me very lucky. My mother had a health scare and needed to travel to a different state for care, for almost 3 weeks. I asked my boss if it was ok to work remotely for this, and I did have to miss a meeting & team building event but it doesnt seem as large as OPs. He told me, without a single question, go, take care of her, take care of yourself, let me know if you need anything. And I did. And I am so grateful that I dont work for a sh&tty company that would not allow someone to go care for a family member.




Cool - so you seem to understand that OP's boss actually did not make it easy for her to help next week like your boss did. So maybe we could deal with the facts of OP's boss and not all of these supposedly understanding bosses who are not at issue here.

We dont even know what OP asked. She doesnt seem to consider this a crisis, she probably played it off like NBD to her boss so of course boss isn't going to let her cancel for a slight inconvenience.


Why wouldn't you give a woman the benefit of the doubt?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. A lot of these replies have been so judgmental and hurtful. I found more insightful and less catty replies elsewhere, both in real life and on other boards geared to midlife issues. I don't know why people take such perverse glee in whipping up trouble and creating fake scenarios about my unemployed husband doing nothing and about me putting up roadblocks while I'm trying to hold down a job so we're both not unemployed.

I asked my supervisor about the business travel and was given a stern no, this was planned for almost a year. Not going isn't an option, and I lost face with my boss. It was an incredibly awkward conversation and I feel as if I wouldn't have done it had I not read so many replies that made me feel like a complete lout of an in-law. I am just trying to do the right thing for everyone.

I would really suggest thinking more compassionately in your replies here. It might be an anonymous board but real people are involved.


You really need to stop lecturing everyone, toots. Your SIL likely knows your husband is unemployed, right? So for weeks he's been allowing her to be the primary caregiver while I bet she has been waiting for her brother to step the hell up. Well, he hasn't. So now she has reached a critical point when she can't take more time off. If your husband had been more equitable from the start this situation would likely not have materialized. Now everyone is in crisis. Your husband needs to drive there this weekend, pack up dad and bring him home. There are other doctors. Give your SIL the real break she desperately needs. You guys have been doing the bare minimum forcing her to speak up.


NP, you are lecturing too. Since you are taking a backwards look - I will too. SIL knows the amount of leave she has and lives with her father 24/7 and is therefore best positioned to know what FIL needs. It appears she did not speak up in advance but left everything to the very end, making this a crisis when if she was an adult and had a little bit of long range thinking/planning, much could be avoided. My heart goes out to SIL to be sure, but really, she couldn't have discussed this with her brother weeks ago? Also, I don't see how 1 week will solve anything. SIL is out of leave. Her continuing to present it this way shows how she is on her way to making a big deal into an even bigger deal.

She obviously did speak up, because her unemployed brother has been going up 1 day a week. He knows that she needs help and has needed help for several weeks. He or OP just refused to go help more.

1 week will absolutey help. She will get a chance to breathe. They can both have indepth discussions over what needs to happen. He can go tour facilities. Is it a final solution? Absolutely not. It's a life jacket, to throw out to someone dealing with a very difficult situation when all OP is doing is making things more difficult.


Brother going up 1 day/week does not mean sister discussed long-rang planning or she asked for more help. Complete non-sequitor.
What's going to happen after 1 week? Nothing, unless they actually make a plan.

You are so eager to lay this all at the feet of OP and her DH; our whole response lacks credibility.


We dont know that either! Clearly she is asking for help now, and she clearly asked for help then, otherwise he wouldn't be going up at all. You are trying to judge how strongly she asked for help, whereas some of us are saying she shouldn't have had to pressure this hard. He's fcking unemployed!


You are inventing a scenario. SHE OFFERED TO TAKE HIM IN. Where is anyone pressuring anyone?? Good gravy!

I am saying "pressuring" as in pressuring him to come for a week. You are getting angry at your own misunderstanding.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing OP took the same nonchalant attitude with her boss as she is with this situation - treating it more like an inconvenience than a crisis. It's not like she actually wants to help FIL, so making it sound like something dumb and inconsequential makes it really easy to stay "stuck" in these plans.


Do you guys even work? No boss is going to say okay you don't have to lead the conference that has been in the works for one year UNLESS you tell the boss you cannot do so.

I have a very understanding workplace, which I do realize makes me very lucky. My mother had a health scare and needed to travel to a different state for care, for almost 3 weeks. I asked my boss if it was ok to work remotely for this, and I did have to miss a meeting & team building event but it doesnt seem as large as OPs. He told me, without a single question, go, take care of her, take care of yourself, let me know if you need anything. And I did. And I am so grateful that I dont work for a sh&tty company that would not allow someone to go care for a family member.




Cool - so you seem to understand that OP's boss actually did not make it easy for her to help next week like your boss did. So maybe we could deal with the facts of OP's boss and not all of these supposedly understanding bosses who are not at issue here.

We dont even know what OP asked. She doesnt seem to consider this a crisis, she probably played it off like NBD to her boss so of course boss isn't going to let her cancel for a slight inconvenience.


Why wouldn't you give a woman the benefit of the doubt?

Because she clearly doesnt GAF and has argued against anything that might slightly inconvenience her.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:What I have noticed on DCUM -- and I'm sure it's human nature overall -- is that people project their own baggage and anger onto anonymous scenarios. Perhaps someone here had a male sibling who didn't step up, or another female poster is an overworked caregiver. The rage shines through and clouds any objectivity or compassion.

I also think people just post provocative nonsense to be mean.

This is actually how most elder care issues go. Extremely extremely common that the men push this work onto the women in the family.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What I have noticed on DCUM -- and I'm sure it's human nature overall -- is that people project their own baggage and anger onto anonymous scenarios. Perhaps someone here had a male sibling who didn't step up, or another female poster is an overworked caregiver. The rage shines through and clouds any objectivity or compassion.

I also think people just post provocative nonsense to be mean.

This is actually how most elder care issues go. Extremely extremely common that the men push this work onto the women in the family.

Though the man being unemployed in this situation certainly creates some extra animosity.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. A lot of these replies have been so judgmental and hurtful. I found more insightful and less catty replies elsewhere, both in real life and on other boards geared to midlife issues. I don't know why people take such perverse glee in whipping up trouble and creating fake scenarios about my unemployed husband doing nothing and about me putting up roadblocks while I'm trying to hold down a job so we're both not unemployed.

I asked my supervisor about the business travel and was given a stern no, this was planned for almost a year. Not going isn't an option, and I lost face with my boss. It was an incredibly awkward conversation and I feel as if I wouldn't have done it had I not read so many replies that made me feel like a complete lout of an in-law. I am just trying to do the right thing for everyone.

I would really suggest thinking more compassionately in your replies here. It might be an anonymous board but real people are involved.


You really need to stop lecturing everyone, toots. Your SIL likely knows your husband is unemployed, right? So for weeks he's been allowing her to be the primary caregiver while I bet she has been waiting for her brother to step the hell up. Well, he hasn't. So now she has reached a critical point when she can't take more time off. If your husband had been more equitable from the start this situation would likely not have materialized. Now everyone is in crisis. Your husband needs to drive there this weekend, pack up dad and bring him home. There are other doctors. Give your SIL the real break she desperately needs. You guys have been doing the bare minimum forcing her to speak up.


NP, you are lecturing too. Since you are taking a backwards look - I will too. SIL knows the amount of leave she has and lives with her father 24/7 and is therefore best positioned to know what FIL needs. It appears she did not speak up in advance but left everything to the very end, making this a crisis when if she was an adult and had a little bit of long range thinking/planning, much could be avoided. My heart goes out to SIL to be sure, but really, she couldn't have discussed this with her brother weeks ago? Also, I don't see how 1 week will solve anything. SIL is out of leave. Her continuing to present it this way shows how she is on her way to making a big deal into an even bigger deal.

She obviously did speak up, because her unemployed brother has been going up 1 day a week. He knows that she needs help and has needed help for several weeks. He or OP just refused to go help more.

1 week will absolutey help. She will get a chance to breathe. They can both have indepth discussions over what needs to happen. He can go tour facilities. Is it a final solution? Absolutely not. It's a life jacket, to throw out to someone dealing with a very difficult situation when all OP is doing is making things more difficult.


Brother going up 1 day/week does not mean sister discussed long-rang planning or she asked for more help. Complete non-sequitor.
What's going to happen after 1 week? Nothing, unless they actually make a plan.

You are so eager to lay this all at the feet of OP and her DH; our whole response lacks credibility.


We dont know that either! Clearly she is asking for help now, and she clearly asked for help then, otherwise he wouldn't be going up at all. You are trying to judge how strongly she asked for help, whereas some of us are saying she shouldn't have had to pressure this hard. He's fcking unemployed!


You are inventing a scenario. SHE OFFERED TO TAKE HIM IN. Where is anyone pressuring anyone?? Good gravy!


OP said that insurance wouldn't cover FIL going to rehab. Should SIL have left him on the curb in front of the hospital?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. A lot of these replies have been so judgmental and hurtful. I found more insightful and less catty replies elsewhere, both in real life and on other boards geared to midlife issues. I don't know why people take such perverse glee in whipping up trouble and creating fake scenarios about my unemployed husband doing nothing and about me putting up roadblocks while I'm trying to hold down a job so we're both not unemployed.

I asked my supervisor about the business travel and was given a stern no, this was planned for almost a year. Not going isn't an option, and I lost face with my boss. It was an incredibly awkward conversation and I feel as if I wouldn't have done it had I not read so many replies that made me feel like a complete lout of an in-law. I am just trying to do the right thing for everyone.

I would really suggest thinking more compassionately in your replies here. It might be an anonymous board but real people are involved.


You really need to stop lecturing everyone, toots. Your SIL likely knows your husband is unemployed, right? So for weeks he's been allowing her to be the primary caregiver while I bet she has been waiting for her brother to step the hell up. Well, he hasn't. So now she has reached a critical point when she can't take more time off. If your husband had been more equitable from the start this situation would likely not have materialized. Now everyone is in crisis. Your husband needs to drive there this weekend, pack up dad and bring him home. There are other doctors. Give your SIL the real break she desperately needs. You guys have been doing the bare minimum forcing her to speak up.


NP, you are lecturing too. Since you are taking a backwards look - I will too. SIL knows the amount of leave she has and lives with her father 24/7 and is therefore best positioned to know what FIL needs. It appears she did not speak up in advance but left everything to the very end, making this a crisis when if she was an adult and had a little bit of long range thinking/planning, much could be avoided. My heart goes out to SIL to be sure, but really, she couldn't have discussed this with her brother weeks ago? Also, I don't see how 1 week will solve anything. SIL is out of leave. Her continuing to present it this way shows how she is on her way to making a big deal into an even bigger deal.


FIL needs to go to a rehab facility so neither OP nor SIL is risking their job. Kids should not be out of school for a week. At the end of the week, still a crisis. None of this makes any sense so I hope it is a troll. What is SIL going to do next week? Moving FIL in was a mistake and is not sustainable.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. A lot of these replies have been so judgmental and hurtful. I found more insightful and less catty replies elsewhere, both in real life and on other boards geared to midlife issues. I don't know why people take such perverse glee in whipping up trouble and creating fake scenarios about my unemployed husband doing nothing and about me putting up roadblocks while I'm trying to hold down a job so we're both not unemployed.

I asked my supervisor about the business travel and was given a stern no, this was planned for almost a year. Not going isn't an option, and I lost face with my boss. It was an incredibly awkward conversation and I feel as if I wouldn't have done it had I not read so many replies that made me feel like a complete lout of an in-law. I am just trying to do the right thing for everyone.

I would really suggest thinking more compassionately in your replies here. It might be an anonymous board but real people are involved.


You really need to stop lecturing everyone, toots. Your SIL likely knows your husband is unemployed, right? So for weeks he's been allowing her to be the primary caregiver while I bet she has been waiting for her brother to step the hell up. Well, he hasn't. So now she has reached a critical point when she can't take more time off. If your husband had been more equitable from the start this situation would likely not have materialized. Now everyone is in crisis. Your husband needs to drive there this weekend, pack up dad and bring him home. There are other doctors. Give your SIL the real break she desperately needs. You guys have been doing the bare minimum forcing her to speak up.


NP, you are lecturing too. Since you are taking a backwards look - I will too. SIL knows the amount of leave she has and lives with her father 24/7 and is therefore best positioned to know what FIL needs. It appears she did not speak up in advance but left everything to the very end, making this a crisis when if she was an adult and had a little bit of long range thinking/planning, much could be avoided. My heart goes out to SIL to be sure, but really, she couldn't have discussed this with her brother weeks ago? Also, I don't see how 1 week will solve anything. SIL is out of leave. Her continuing to present it this way shows how she is on her way to making a big deal into an even bigger deal.

She obviously did speak up, because her unemployed brother has been going up 1 day a week. He knows that she needs help and has needed help for several weeks. He or OP just refused to go help more.

1 week will absolutey help. She will get a chance to breathe. They can both have indepth discussions over what needs to happen. He can go tour facilities. Is it a final solution? Absolutely not. It's a life jacket, to throw out to someone dealing with a very difficult situation when all OP is doing is making things more difficult.


Brother going up 1 day/week does not mean sister discussed long-rang planning or she asked for more help. Complete non-sequitor.
What's going to happen after 1 week? Nothing, unless they actually make a plan.

You are so eager to lay this all at the feet of OP and her DH; our whole response lacks credibility.


We dont know that either! Clearly she is asking for help now, and she clearly asked for help then, otherwise he wouldn't be going up at all. You are trying to judge how strongly she asked for help, whereas some of us are saying she shouldn't have had to pressure this hard. He's fcking unemployed!


You are inventing a scenario. SHE OFFERED TO TAKE HIM IN. Where is anyone pressuring anyone?? Good gravy!

I am saying "pressuring" as in pressuring him to come for a week. You are getting angry at your own misunderstanding.


No. You are saying that the spouse here was "pressured" when it says no such thing. She offered to take the parent in, so clearly she wanted to and wasn't pressuring anyone for outside help.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. A lot of these replies have been so judgmental and hurtful. I found more insightful and less catty replies elsewhere, both in real life and on other boards geared to midlife issues. I don't know why people take such perverse glee in whipping up trouble and creating fake scenarios about my unemployed husband doing nothing and about me putting up roadblocks while I'm trying to hold down a job so we're both not unemployed.

I asked my supervisor about the business travel and was given a stern no, this was planned for almost a year. Not going isn't an option, and I lost face with my boss. It was an incredibly awkward conversation and I feel as if I wouldn't have done it had I not read so many replies that made me feel like a complete lout of an in-law. I am just trying to do the right thing for everyone.

I would really suggest thinking more compassionately in your replies here. It might be an anonymous board but real people are involved.


You really need to stop lecturing everyone, toots. Your SIL likely knows your husband is unemployed, right? So for weeks he's been allowing her to be the primary caregiver while I bet she has been waiting for her brother to step the hell up. Well, he hasn't. So now she has reached a critical point when she can't take more time off. If your husband had been more equitable from the start this situation would likely not have materialized. Now everyone is in crisis. Your husband needs to drive there this weekend, pack up dad and bring him home. There are other doctors. Give your SIL the real break she desperately needs. You guys have been doing the bare minimum forcing her to speak up.


NP, you are lecturing too. Since you are taking a backwards look - I will too. SIL knows the amount of leave she has and lives with her father 24/7 and is therefore best positioned to know what FIL needs. It appears she did not speak up in advance but left everything to the very end, making this a crisis when if she was an adult and had a little bit of long range thinking/planning, much could be avoided. My heart goes out to SIL to be sure, but really, she couldn't have discussed this with her brother weeks ago? Also, I don't see how 1 week will solve anything. SIL is out of leave. Her continuing to present it this way shows how she is on her way to making a big deal into an even bigger deal.

She obviously did speak up, because her unemployed brother has been going up 1 day a week. He knows that she needs help and has needed help for several weeks. He or OP just refused to go help more.

1 week will absolutey help. She will get a chance to breathe. They can both have indepth discussions over what needs to happen. He can go tour facilities. Is it a final solution? Absolutely not. It's a life jacket, to throw out to someone dealing with a very difficult situation when all OP is doing is making things more difficult.


Brother going up 1 day/week does not mean sister discussed long-rang planning or she asked for more help. Complete non-sequitor.
What's going to happen after 1 week? Nothing, unless they actually make a plan.

You are so eager to lay this all at the feet of OP and her DH; our whole response lacks credibility.


We dont know that either! Clearly she is asking for help now, and she clearly asked for help then, otherwise he wouldn't be going up at all. You are trying to judge how strongly she asked for help, whereas some of us are saying she shouldn't have had to pressure this hard. He's fcking unemployed!


You are inventing a scenario. SHE OFFERED TO TAKE HIM IN. Where is anyone pressuring anyone?? Good gravy!


OP said that insurance wouldn't cover FIL going to rehab. Should SIL have left him on the curb in front of the hospital?


In these situations it would have been appealed if there was no one to care for him. The hospital social worker would have found a spot for him. They would not have put him on the street.

SIL needs help for far more than a week. This is not sustainable.

OP cannot put her job at risk with DH unemployed.

SIL cannot put her job at risk.

FIL needs to go to rehab or a nursing home until he recovers. OP, what is his prognosis? Is he going to be able to live on his own in the near future?
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