Couples therapy and mandatory reporting

[Anonymous]

You are reading into it. The way I understood this, the DH has never gotten physical before and that is what prompted the OP to schedule the therapy in the first place. You don’t know what “latest incident” means. If could just mean he is impatient and short-tempered, which is how I read it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op: number one rule. Never, I repeat never talk to the Man.
(The po po, fuzz, etc). You do not show the therapist a picture. You do not open the door to interference from cps.
See above, do not talk to the man.

You can do therapy. Work on your marriage and anger management.

People are so stupid to not understand. Never invite the man into your business.

+1
You don't want to get caught up in the criminal justice system unless it's a serious offense. If it's domestic violence, which could be as harmless as someone throwing a remote control on the ground, police will arrest if they have probable cause. Gone are the days of working things out.

Uh, how well did letting them alone to work it out turn out for Gabby Petito? This idea that police jump to arrest abusers is either naïveté or misogyny.

She didn’t file a report. Once you file a report it all unfolds like clockwork.

https://www.npr.org/2022/08/29/1119325730/his-mom-and-sister-were-killed-now-hes-channeling-grief-to-fight-domestic-violen

It really doesn’t. Are you naïve or just good with dead women as long as no one hurts an abusers feeling?

This is a ridiculous series of errors by the police and became lethal for reasons having nothing to do with them, but rather with state gun laws. However a series of errors like this is not that common, unless you are in a rural area (I personally have been told the same thing by a rural police officer when trying to file a report, more than once). Please note that once she filed the report he was arrested. I can’t speak the rest.

But what makes you think that somehow a child welfare agency that is notorious for failures, oversight, mistakes and causing trauma is somehow doing a better job than the police who can actually address the perpetrators behavior?

[Anonymous]

And again I’m not against involving CPA when it’s warranted. I’m against mindlessly involving them when the most they would do is what the family is already initiating on their own. If you’re calling CPS on this you’re basically assuming that the family is lying to you and covering up much bigger offfenses.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.

And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.

What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.

+10000

I am a different poster and agree with this. It’s legal to spank your kids. He needs better emotional regulation but this isn’t CPS-worthy IMO. And I am a mandated reporter and have reported to CPS before.

Then you do not know what you are doing. I am also a mandated reporter and leaving marks always requires a report. PP, maybe you should think about changing professions.

As someone said above, there are marks and there are marks. Grabbing a child even non-abusively will leave brief red marks. If we are talking about bruises visible hours later that is a different story. But considering none of us here has even seen the photos I think you’re the one jumping to conclusions.

Exactly. If my child was headed for the street and I grabbed his arm to stop him from being run over, the potential to leave a mark is there, maybe even a bruise. Other parent could disagree and say Larlo would have listened to the word 'no' so grabbing his arm was wrong. Mandatory reporter could then report to CPS, and some CPS worker with a chip on his/her shoulder could consider action abusive.

Ok so in a worst case scenario a CPS investigation is started and since you have nothing to hide and don’t routinely bruise your child (right?) it’s an annoyance and potentially an expense.

A mandatory reporter ignores those bruises and loses their job and a kid potentially loses their life. Why is that a preferable outcome to you?

I don’t think you have any concept or understanding of how traumatizing these inquiries can be even if they are baseless. These people, most of whom have sub mental IQs, have the power to ruin your reputation, in some cases your career, destroy your family, and remove your child. It is a horrific experience even if you are innocent.

I do understand this could be traumatizing. I’m saying the trauma a parent who engages in one-time abuse or is misunderstood feels is a lesser evil than a child dying. I’m saying your reputation and career are not more important than the mandatory reporters career, which is what they lose if they don’t report you.

My reputation and career ARE more important than a mandated supporters career.

And if my spouse tried to label me an abuser we would be done, and they could kiss seeing their children goodbye at least half of the time.

Why is your career more important than a doctor's, or a teacher's, or a therapist's?

In many states the the definition of who is a mandated reporter has been extended so broadly as to include virtually any adult.

Is that doctor, teacher or therapist going to be supporting my children? No. Therefore my career and reputation are more important FOR THE CHILD than the reporter’s.

Do you understand that if telling the truth ruins your reputation, then it is based upon a falsehood?

If you can't stand behind your own actions, because they would be roundly condemned...maybe you need to look in the mirror.

Maybe you need to get a clue. In many circles and professions, the inquiry alone would be sufficient to cause harm. For a doctor for example, they may be required to state whether they have ever been investigated in order to get hospital privileges or a state license. Even if nothing came of the investigation. Not to mention other parents. Are you sending your kid to play and socializing with the parents who had CPS called on them, even if chargers were never filed? Yeah no.

Well, then these people shouldn’t lay their effing hands on their children such that they leave marks. How hard is that to understand? A doctor should already know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are reading into it. The way I understood this, the DH has never gotten physical before and that is what prompted the OP to schedule the therapy in the first place. You don’t know what “latest incident” means. If could just mean he is impatient and short-tempered, which is how I read it.

It’s equally possible that latest incident means latest physical incident, and this is just the first that leaves marks. You want the benefit of the doubt to be given to the abuser— and yes this man is an abuser— and I think that’s an unreasonable risk to take with the safety of a child.

[Anonymous]

What is very clear to me in this thread is that most posters have no idea how to assess for child abuse. Anyone who is thinking about social consequences when a grown man grabbed his daughter hard enough to leave marks because he was angry with her has pretty messed up priorities.

A report is ethically required of a mandated reporter based on the few details the OP provided. If she wants help and doesn’t want to involve CPS, she can provide fewer details, I guess. I think of my husband did this to our child, I’d probably default to NOT helping him conceal and downplay his anger issues and lack of parenting skills. If nothing, if CPS does get involved, the OP would maybe not be viewed to have as much protective capacity as she would have if she hadn’t concealed earlier abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is very clear to me in this thread is that most posters have no idea how to assess for child abuse. Anyone who is thinking about social consequences when a grown man grabbed his daughter hard enough to leave marks because he was angry with her has pretty messed up priorities.

A report is ethically required of a mandated reporter based on the few details the OP provided. If she wants help and doesn’t want to involve CPS, she can provide fewer details, I guess. I think of my husband did this to our child, I’d probably default to NOT helping him conceal and downplay his anger issues and lack of parenting skills. If nothing, if CPS does get involved, the OP would maybe not be viewed to have as much protective capacity as she would have if she hadn’t concealed earlier abuse.

+1. If my husband ever laid a hand on my children CPS would be the least of his problems.

[Anonymous]

I have heard of cases where CPS removed kid from home/both parents over one parents abuse. Even when the other parent was the one who reported the abuse. I wouldn’t risk CPS potentially taking my kid away from me/the home over this. I DO take this very seriously but having my child removed from ME/their home is not the solution. Getting my husband help and/or removing HIM from the home would be the solution. I’d tell him he needs to move out and continue attending therapy until he can show he’s improved if I felt the kids weren’t safe w him.

[Anonymous]

I filed a police report against my own DH and the police arrested him and he was charged. It never occurred to me or anyone else in the process to involve CPS because the child had a parent defending them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is very clear to me in this thread is that most posters have no idea how to assess for child abuse. Anyone who is thinking about social consequences when a grown man grabbed his daughter hard enough to leave marks because he was angry with her has pretty messed up priorities.

A report is ethically required of a mandated reporter based on the few details the OP provided. If she wants help and doesn’t want to involve CPS, she can provide fewer details, I guess. I think of my husband did this to our child, I’d probably default to NOT helping him conceal and downplay his anger issues and lack of parenting skills. If nothing, if CPS does get involved, the OP would maybe not be viewed to have as much protective capacity as she would have if she hadn’t concealed earlier abuse.

+1. If my husband ever laid a hand on my children CPS would be the least of his problems.

It will be YOUR problem. You’ll be investigated as well and he could lose his job which would affect child support. It’s not anything to mess with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is very clear to me in this thread is that most posters have no idea how to assess for child abuse. Anyone who is thinking about social consequences when a grown man grabbed his daughter hard enough to leave marks because he was angry with her has pretty messed up priorities.

A report is ethically required of a mandated reporter based on the few details the OP provided. If she wants help and doesn’t want to involve CPS, she can provide fewer details, I guess. I think of my husband did this to our child, I’d probably default to NOT helping him conceal and downplay his anger issues and lack of parenting skills. If nothing, if CPS does get involved, the OP would maybe not be viewed to have as much protective capacity as she would have if she hadn’t concealed earlier abuse.

+1. If my husband ever laid a hand on my children CPS would be the least of his problems.

It will be YOUR problem. You’ll be investigated as well and he could lose his job which would affect child support. It’s not anything to mess with.

Yup. Unfortunately this dynamic is one of the reasons most DV goes unreported. It’s a very real concern. It’s a flawed system bc there is no support for what happens after you report.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is very clear to me in this thread is that most posters have no idea how to assess for child abuse. Anyone who is thinking about social consequences when a grown man grabbed his daughter hard enough to leave marks because he was angry with her has pretty messed up priorities.

A report is ethically required of a mandated reporter based on the few details the OP provided. If she wants help and doesn’t want to involve CPS, she can provide fewer details, I guess. I think of my husband did this to our child, I’d probably default to NOT helping him conceal and downplay his anger issues and lack of parenting skills. If nothing, if CPS does get involved, the OP would maybe not be viewed to have as much protective capacity as she would have if she hadn’t concealed earlier abuse.

+1. If my husband ever laid a hand on my children CPS would be the least of his problems.

It will be YOUR problem. You’ll be investigated as well and he could lose his job which would affect child support. It’s not anything to mess with.

Yes, I would be investigated and cleared because I have nothing to hide. Do you know when women get into trouble with CPS? When they cover for their abusive husbands. I am a therapist and a mandated reporter and agree with the other mandated reporters on this thread. Lots of posters thinking they understand how the system works and they simply do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I filed a police report against my own DH and the police arrested him and he was charged. It never occurred to me or anyone else in the process to involve CPS because the child had a parent defending them.

This is exactly what happens.

[Anonymous]

Really? Sounds like lotsa low-level “therapists” who have no first-hand expertise with the fallout of reporting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? Sounds like lotsa low-level “therapists” who have no first-hand expertise with the fallout of reporting.

What exactly is a low level therapist? Do you think there's some sort of GS system of therapy levels? Or black belts like karate?

Sounds like a lot of people who cover for abusers and use CPS as an excuse.