Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career—how to restore balance?

[Anonymous]

That One Thing doesn’t help with any bills. It’s not essential for the family to run smoothly. It’s just a hobby and can be changed around.

You could extend this argument to any preference OP had, right? Literally any preference, activity, or plan OP had, if it didn’t “help with bills”, could be overridden by her H.

Marriages with those dynamics end, badly, or continue, also badly. There’s a reason there is a directly proportional relationship between women’s earning power and divorce rates. Couples either learn to compromise or the consistently overridden party eventually bails, and should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked that so many are telling OP to suck it up. She has One Thing, and there are no impediments to her continuing her One Thing. Why should she change it? I don't see the logic.

That One Thing doesn’t help with any bills. It’s not essential for the family to run smoothly. It’s just a hobby and can be changed around.

She is hosting the event in a house that is being paid for by her husband’s work that Friday. There’s no way her event is more important.

If she wants, she can take on the role of the breadwinner, drive to the office on Fridays while her husband has his friends over for a party. How would she feel about that?

Last time I checked, OP’s husband working from home vs in the office doesn’t help with the bills either.

[Anonymous]

OP with an update.

But before that, actually, I do get paid for hosting this event. It’s nominal, but I do get paid for my time. So there’s that.

I hosted like usual on Friday. I told him I was standing my ground. Initially, he was fine with it, even supportive, but then yesterday evening started to pout a little bit about it. I think he was giving one last effort to wear me down but he is going to find out that I won’t budge on this. This morning, he actually brought it up in a pleasant manner. We’ll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update.

But before that, actually, I do get paid for hosting this event. It’s nominal, but I do get paid for my time. So there’s that.

I hosted like usual on Friday. I told him I was standing my ground. Initially, he was fine with it, even supportive, but then yesterday evening started to pout a little bit about it. I think he was giving one last effort to wear me down but he is going to find out that I won’t budge on this. This morning, he actually brought it up in a pleasant manner. We’ll see.

Good for you OP. I sometimes feel like dying a little on the inside when people respect you because you hold your ground, but sadly I think many men will take advantage given the opportunity.

Glad you stuck to your guns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update.

But before that, actually, I do get paid for hosting this event. It’s nominal, but I do get paid for my time. So there’s that.

I hosted like usual on Friday. I told him I was standing my ground. Initially, he was fine with it, even supportive, but then yesterday evening started to pout a little bit about it. I think he was giving one last effort to wear me down but he is going to find out that I won’t budge on this. This morning, he actually brought it up in a pleasant manner. We’ll see.

It should be easy. Just think about how much your pouting has made him budge from his opinion that you should be kicked out of the house and that he should be allowed to break the agreement you guys had so he can have a leisurely Friday every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update.

But before that, actually, I do get paid for hosting this event. It’s nominal, but I do get paid for my time. So there’s that.

I hosted like usual on Friday. I told him I was standing my ground. Initially, he was fine with it, even supportive, but then yesterday evening started to pout a little bit about it. I think he was giving one last effort to wear me down but he is going to find out that I won’t budge on this. This morning, he actually brought it up in a pleasant manner. We’ll see.

Good for you OP. I sometimes feel like dying a little on the inside when people respect you because you hold your ground, but sadly I think many men will take advantage given the opportunity.

Glad you stuck to your guns.

Yeah men are usually allowed to be selfish while women need to work around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

When I look back, I feel grateful for the life we built but also feel some resentment for biological, cultural and logistical barriers which made us follow this path. However, as new and young expats in a new country learning the ropes without any support system, it was also a rational decision.

Stop it. No one MADE you take that path. That is a cop out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

WTF? Your husband is a top grade ahole, no question about it. Push back on this. The house is yours on Friday mornings. He can figure something else out. Needs quiet to work, GMAFB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels like this is a power struggle being projected onto the Friday morning event, and a question of respect. This is a solvable problem (the Friday morning event) but the larger power struggle needs work, and also your sense that he is not respecting your boundaries.

I would either:

- keep your Friday morning event, which he should respect, and find him a work space (look for an Industrious near your house, or a we Work)

or

- host your event at a social club or other rental space (and charge it to him - if money is no issue, you could join a social club and host it in a private room - it will probably be expensive though)

Either way, there is a greater cost of respect here -- which it feels like you deserve.

HE can find himself a workspace. Their house is booked for Friday mornings. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who makes a lot more than my wife.

There is no reason in the world he cannot work from home on Friday and you still have your event. Even in an apartment- you seem seriously unhinged.

I’m guessing that there are multiple small children.

Who cares? He can block his calendar to not have calls and wear noise-canceling headphones. How long could this event possibly go on? He could also work from his office Friday morning and then come home at lunch. He has a lot of options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

What a weird post. Why are you trying to shoe-horn your misogynistic anti-SAHM screed into OP's post. OP says she works.

DP. I don’t recall seeing where OP said she worked. But you understand that this post is about hosting a weekly meet up in your home every single Friday during morning working hours, right? Weird to mention her work.

You think people can't work and have every Friday morning off?

They are not working hard or contributing a lot of income to the family.

My friend works 10 hours a day 4 days a week instead of 8 hours a day 5 days a week in order to have one weekday off. She makes $250K so I'd say she works pretty hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked that so many are telling OP to suck it up. She has One Thing, and there are no impediments to her continuing her One Thing. Why should she change it? I don't see the logic.

That One Thing doesn’t help with any bills. It’s not essential for the family to run smoothly. It’s just a hobby and can be changed around.

She is hosting the event in a house that is being paid for by her husband’s work that Friday. There’s no way her event is more important.

If she wants, she can take on the role of the breadwinner, drive to the office on Fridays while her husband has his friends over for a party. How would she feel about that?

All the single ladies - use this OP as a litmus test when dating - any man who responds as above should be avoided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the specific condition?

I’ve had a long-standing personal/health/wellbeing routine at home that keeps me grounded and brings me joy, but his new role comes with requirements that conflict with it. When I agreed to the life changes that came with his role, my one condition was that it not interfere with this, and now it has. He’s suggested a workaround, but it’s not ideal for me and isn’t what we originally agreed to. I’m trying to figure out where the line is between being supportive and giving up too much of myself. I don’t want to get too specific because it is very unique.

As someone who did the same for my spouse, but likely without the same monetary rewards as you, I urge you to suck it up. The fact that your husband actually agreed to a condition and now feels bad demonstrates a lot of care for you/about you. I wish I could say I received that much consideration, but at times I definitely did not.

Also, it's likely that things will change over time and you'll be able to get your routine back.

I hope you changed your tune after reading what the condition actually was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your inflexibility is creating resentment. It’s not like he chooses golf over you, work is not an easily controlled commitment, unless you want to be unemployed. Your resentment is the end of civility and will make you both single. Then you can blame your work for infringing on you mental wellbeing instead of his job.

He doesn’t have some work mandatory thing at home on Fridays, he simply prefers to work from home that day when he has the option. He’s not sacrificing a single thing here when OP has already sacrificed her career trajectory among other things and this selfish arse can’t give her a few hours of peace Friday mornings? For one thing that is important to her?? Just, no.

This.
OP has already sacrificed too much. He is disrespecting and humiliating her. She should give him two options. He lets her host her event on Fridays at home, or she files for divorce. It’s that simple. Enough os enough.

It doesn't matter if she hadn't sacrificed a single thing up to this point - she has a longstanding commitment on Friday mornings, he said he'd respect that, the issue is closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update.

But before that, actually, I do get paid for hosting this event. It’s nominal, but I do get paid for my time. So there’s that.

I hosted like usual on Friday. I told him I was standing my ground. Initially, he was fine with it, even supportive, but then yesterday evening started to pout a little bit about it. I think he was giving one last effort to wear me down but he is going to find out that I won’t budge on this. This morning, he actually brought it up in a pleasant manner. We’ll see.

I'm glad you held your ground. Do you have kids with him? I can't imagine being married to such a child.