Close friend had a party and didn't invite me. How do you deal with the hurt feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar thing and it was awkward as hell with people asking why I wasn’t there. I don’t know why I wasn’t invited (it was a very big party), but assumed she had a reason and it was a clear sign that I should reevaluate. I pulled back after that. We are still friendly, but not close friends anymore.

Had an almost identical situation happen. It was so awkward—I was included in some group chats afterwards in which the gathering was mentioned. I’m sure the friend who hadn’t invited me must have realized this but never bothered to reach out with an excuse as to why she hadn’t included me. We are just barely friendly now, a few years later. Recently I ran into her and she mentioned that she and some of my other lost friends had been out together and were wondering how I was. I mean…how do people not realize how much it hurts to be excluded?

She knows it hurts to be excluded and she enjoys the power. When my dh and I bought a house in the suburbs and had kids I was stunned by how petty some of the women were. Adults absolutely did things to hurt other adults and even children without batting an eye.

+1. In my neighborhood, it’s not just the women who are petty - the husbands are too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would put her on the spot by telling her that your other friend said she had a wonderful time at your party. Them let her come up with a response.

This if you’re fine either fully salvaging the friendship and letting it be water under the bridge or just stop interacting with her cold turkey which may be negative for you socially.

Otherwise I’d just never reach out but be pleasant.

I would have no desire to salvage the friendship because that is as dead as dead can be. I would simply like to give a dose of her own medicine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar thing and it was awkward as hell with people asking why I wasn’t there. I don’t know why I wasn’t invited (it was a very big party), but assumed she had a reason and it was a clear sign that I should reevaluate. I pulled back after that. We are still friendly, but not close friends anymore.

Sorry OP it sucks. I had a friend become really mean to me. I had connected her to a job she ended up getting (I am friends with her boss) and she never would’ve gotten it except for me. I filed it away and pulled back. I run into her and am polite but that’s it. I am not out to get her or say anything bad about her. But certainly no more favors and no more insight into my life. I don’t think she cares but I had to set my own boundary because I was hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Im sorry, some people suck. IMO she’s probably some sort of social climber/status seeker OR she legitimately thought she invited you maybe? But if it wasn’t an oversight and she talked to you on the phone like that then she’s not worth your time. And honestly what would a conversation do? I wouldn’t be able to trust her again unfortunately.

I had a similar-ish situation that a best friend of mine that I stood by through all sorts of things left me out of an Easter friends gathering. This is months after she asked me/I was her child’s Godmother in the Catholic bc assume she had no one else to ask. She had more ‘important’ fancier (wealthier, connected) friends come along and I no longer made the cut. It was also very clear she has no loyalty. I chose not to say anything because her message was clear and nothing I was going to say would change what she did and nothing she was going to say would me be feel like she could be a true friend or ever was a true friend.

It’s a grieving process

OP here. Yes, I noticed she was being a social climber lately. The new friends I introduced to her have a lot of connections.

It was definitely not an oversight. She called me just a few days before the party and never asked if I got the invite or not. Looks like there were 7 families invited to this milestone occasion.

Its just hard to lose 2 different sets of friends and start again. I just feel blindsided - feels like those who were my friends moved on without me, and I don't get close to people that easily. This just makes me sad.

It hurts OP! I know exactly how you feel. I moved to a new place and feel like I’m dodging women vipers all the time. I hate it because I’ve had amazing friends my whole life. I just accepted that I would hibernate and nurse my feelings for a little while and come back later. I am now back in society after cocooning myself and all of a sudden it feels like the stars are aligning. Take care of yourself and do what makes you happy and hopefully the right people will show up in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It think the long phone call was a way for your friend to keep the friendship alive. I don't think she wants to ditch you, but evidently, she can't handle too many at dinner all at once.

This- friends have an order and a sequence and you keep some warm and tend to others at different times. Unless you have a ballroom (!!) nobody can entertain at once.

Also, sad to say that reciprocity plays a huge role. Have you hosted her within the last year?

When we do parties we either go big and knock out all "obligations" at once (yes it's currency). When we have an intimate dinner party, we factor in who has invited us, which couples get along and who we genuinely want to see. Sometimes you don't make the cut. I'm sure we don't make the cut often at all but I'm not on SM and my friends are discreet so I don't know and don't care!

But isn't it insensitive to have a dinner without thr very person who introduced them all and also carry on a long conversation with the OP as if nothing happened. It could cause hurt and embarrassment if the mutual friends mentioned it, which they did. And that embarrassment isn't just for the OP, I'm sure the friend found it awkward as well.

OP. I think that is what hurts me most. The fact that she called and spoke for so long and then a few days later has this party with others who were my friends until I introduced them this year.

To the PP, yes, I have hosted her at both my gatherings this year.

My college roommate of 4 years got married to my high school friend. This was a few years after college and I had moved to the other side of the country. I flew in for the wedding and our entire friend group from college was in the wedding party. I was… just a guest. Not invited to the bachelorette or anything. I smiled through the wedding but was devastated.

Pulled back and things were not the same. But that was almost 20 years ago. I never think about them anymore!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let yourself be upset for a day or two, and then brush it off and focus on the friends who do want you in their lives. Maybe you think the two of you are closer than she thinks.

Thank you. I'm an introvert and it took me years to form these friendships. I have 1 other friend who lives a bit further away who I think still wants me in her life. But other than that it was these friends. I think I should just focus on my family more to fill the void.

Why do you feel you have to give up the new friends? They didn't do anything wrong, apparently did not even know you weren't invited. You can still do things with them. If she's never inviting you while you maintain cordial relationships with everyone, she's the one that will look strange.

This. Stop over-dramatizing and projecting on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It think the long phone call was a way for your friend to keep the friendship alive. I don't think she wants to ditch you, but evidently, she can't handle too many at dinner all at once.

This- friends have an order and a sequence and you keep some warm and tend to others at different times. Unless you have a ballroom (!!) nobody can entertain at once.

Also, sad to say that reciprocity plays a huge role. Have you hosted her within the last year?

When we do parties we either go big and knock out all "obligations" at once (yes it's currency). When we have an intimate dinner party, we factor in who has invited us, which couples get along and who we genuinely want to see. Sometimes you don't make the cut. I'm sure we don't make the cut often at all but I'm not on SM and my friends are discreet so I don't know and don't care!

But isn't it insensitive to have a dinner without thr very person who introduced them all and also carry on a long conversation with the OP as if nothing happened. It could cause hurt and embarrassment if the mutual friends mentioned it, which they did. And that embarrassment isn't just for the OP, I'm sure the friend found it awkward as well.

OP. I think that is what hurts me most. The fact that she called and spoke for so long and then a few days later has this party with others who were my friends until I introduced them this year.

To the PP, yes, I have hosted her at both my gatherings this year.

My college roommate of 4 years got married to my high school friend. This was a few years after college and I had moved to the other side of the country. I flew in for the wedding and our entire friend group from college was in the wedding party. I was… just a guest. Not invited to the bachelorette or anything. I smiled through the wedding but was devastated.

Pulled back and things were not the same. But that was almost 20 years ago. I never think about them anymore!

If it was 20 years ago, you all must have been very young. It must have been devastating. However, it would've been wrong to make someone a bridesmaid and have them spend all of that money if the bride didn't actually feel close to the person. It would have been wrong to pretend feelings that weren't there.

It would've been better if it had been clearer long before the wedding that she didn't feel close to you. That way you wouldn't have been devastated during the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It think the long phone call was a way for your friend to keep the friendship alive. I don't think she wants to ditch you, but evidently, she can't handle too many at dinner all at once.

WTF? Why are you trying to excuse her friend’s behavior?? What her friend did, and is doing, is absolutely awful.

OP, you do not need superficial friends like these. These girls likely only care about image and are apathetic. In the future, choose your close friends wisely.

[Anonymous]

I no longer get hurt or keep tabs. I realized that I have little need of people as I am a social introvert.

I have been taught (because of my culture) to include everyone. So, everyone gets included when I organize some event. We do a lot of socializing (again - because of my culture), so I am hosting, reciprocating, attending events regardless of if I am into it or not. There is a reason that it's called social obligations. I show up, I am super helpful, I am a good guest, I give appropriate gifts, I connect people, I don't gossip, I don't shame, I don't bad mouth, I share resources, I don't overstay my welcome, I am not married to my friends and I don't care what they think of me. I also have a solid core group of friends, family and neighbors that show up when needed. Still, if they don't invite me and invite my friends instead...I am not devastated. My heart, mind and soul is safe with me.

The more I have distanced myself mentally from this, the more sought after I have become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I no longer get hurt or keep tabs. I realized that I have little need of people as I am a social introvert.

I have been taught (because of my culture) to include everyone. So, everyone gets included when I organize some event. We do a lot of socializing (again - because of my culture), so I am hosting, reciprocating, attending events regardless of if I am into it or not. There is a reason that it's called social obligations. I show up, I am super helpful, I am a good guest, I give appropriate gifts, I connect people, I don't gossip, I don't shame, I don't bad mouth, I share resources, I don't overstay my welcome, I am not married to my friends and I don't care what they think of me. I also have a solid core group of friends, family and neighbors that show up when needed. Still, if they don't invite me and invite my friends instead...I am not devastated. My heart, mind and soul is safe with me.

The more I have distanced myself mentally from this, the more sought after I have become.

So why do you do it all this if you are an introvert? I'm wondering because I am also an introvert so I find very little pleasure in socializing. I do often will position myself the way you do: don't be needy, do everything to be liked, be helpful. I am not sure it's actually very healthy or good for self-esteem because it ends up being about what you do for people and not who you really are, and it can feel like being used. Even not wanting to feel hurt, in your head, is something you present as making you more "sought after" so like you do it for others.