How do I tell her I don’t want to buy dinner?

[Anonymous]

We take DS out for dinner after that activity

Well, don't do that
You have free will to have a different routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar situation and I just bought the extra food (3 people). I didn’t usually buy the extra food at a restaurant but would swing through a drive through on the way home and pick them up fast food. They were happy wi th that. I think the child may have lied and said that is where we ate too.

I did it because I knew the kid had a really difficult life and the home situation wasn’t good at all. I wanted to stay on the parents good side so the child could spend as much time with us as possible. We started having the child to our house more and more to give them breaks from home. It was. Small price to pay to buy the child a bit of time away from home.

I love this idea.

For all you people who can’t believe parents are doing this, find away to get your kids out of your bubble and learn about the world. Hopefully they won’t be as out of touch as you are.

I don’t think people don’t believe that this is happening. What I’m saying, and what others are saying, is that this doesn’t have to do with a lack of resources, it has nothing to do with poverty, but you have a family who is simply taking advantage of Op.

If OP doesn’t buy them dinner, they’re not going to starve. OP has been kind enough to do this so far but if she doesn’t stop, then she’s going to become a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also teach my DS not to talk about family finances with his friends. Somehow your son’s friends perceives that you are wealthy (whether you are or not).

Do you think poor people are stupid or unobservant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would limit him to one meal and see what happens. Chances are he was trying to get extra meals for himself without his mother's permission and that is why he didn't want you to talk to her. If he keeps coming along for meals after the activity, it means he was lying and you can decide whether to keep hosting him for dinner or make it family only.

What's your theory about where this kid his hiding these extra meals for himself without his family knowing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would try inviting him to your house for dinner instead. I'd be curious if he asks for leftovers to take home, which would tell me the need is real.

+1

This is a great idea OP. I would be curious if there is a true need for food or if the family is just taking advantage. I grew up lower income and eating out was a rare treat, but we always had enough food at home (and my parents would have either sent me with $ or reciprocated by inviting your kid over to our house the next time).

That said, you never know….If the need is real, I’d want to know. It is a lot cheaper to send home leftover homemade food (if you choose) than restaurant food. We are comfortable, but restaurant food is so expensive these days (especially if buying for a whole family).

It is also possible the kid is making the story up- no? Maybe he enjoys being the “hero” and bringing food home, or doesn’t share and eats the extra meals himself later. Kids can be weird at times and for all you know, the mom would be mortified to hear what he has been saying.

Did you just call OP such a bad cook that only the most desperate starving child would want it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reads like something from Roseanne or Shameless.

You’re being taken advantage of. A great example of why a lot of wealthy people are hesitant to get too close to those with less means because it could result in exactly these scenarios or worse.

This is why poor people should skip the indirection and just eat the rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this family is food insecure??? If so, I would do it. If not, I would just tell him no at the restaurant. There’s no way an adult would tell her kid to do this - unless she’s giving him money to get takeout and he’s pocketing it when you pay for the meal.

OP, the bolded text describes what could be happening. I think kids do this more than we know.

I am a SAHM with only one child. During the summer, I watched one of her friends every Wednesday (9-5). We would plan fun outings but I never saw a dime. I am about 85% sure her mom gave her cash she was supposed to give me. But oh well, this was a good friend to DD for many years so I got over it.

I would vote for talking to the mother, in a nice friendly way. Get a feel for her and then think about how to best handle. Easiest path is to just send the boy home with a pizza.

This is why I always gave or offered money to the parents, never gave it to my kid.

This is stunting development. If you think your kid is a thief, you need to fix that, not shelter them from the risks and consequences. You should give your kid the money, but then also check with the parent. Trust, but verify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this family is food insecure??? If so, I would do it. If not, I would just tell him no at the restaurant. There’s no way an adult would tell her kid to do this - unless she’s giving him money to get takeout and he’s pocketing it when you pay for the meal.

OP, the bolded text describes what could be happening. I think kids do this more than we know.

I am a SAHM with only one child. During the summer, I watched one of her friends every Wednesday (9-5). We would plan fun outings but I never saw a dime. I am about 85% sure her mom gave her cash she was supposed to give me. But oh well, this was a good friend to DD for many years so I got over it.

I would vote for talking to the mother, in a nice friendly way. Get a feel for her and then think about how to best handle. Easiest path is to just send the boy home with a pizza.

Why didn't you ever ask? They were doing you favor, giving you personal tutoring on how to stop being a doormat, at a low price. Too bad the student couldn't learn.

[Anonymous]

The mother would have presumably noticed that the kid was bringing home all that food so I don't think it is plausible she was out of the loop. I also don't think it's plausible she gave him all that money because that would just be a really inconvenient way to order takeout, for her and the kid. Not saying we know the rest of the situation.

[Anonymous]

I have never taken my kids friends to a restaurants. I don't have a problem with it, just saying it's not like an expected way to nurture a friendship. You could be a generous and gracious friend/host inviting this kid over for dinner at your home or just having him over to play. Limit the restaurant outings to family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get with your DS and make a care basket of lovely foods. Much less expensive than takeout restaurant meals. Go out to dinner with DS and friend, and send friend home with the care basket.

What is an example of a “lovely food?” Summer sausage? Pears? Spam?

Sure? Whatever you like. Homemadr baking, grocery treats whatever. You've never seen a gift food basket?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned what this child is going to try to convince your child to do as they get older.... If your child is generous and has a good heart like you, this friend and their family will likely be taking advantage of your child. So that would be my main focus on helping my child identify boundaries and what to do when someone is crossing them

Yes this is a good point. There’s kindness and there’s also the ability to set limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this family is food insecure??? If so, I would do it. If not, I would just tell him no at the restaurant. There’s no way an adult would tell her kid to do this - unless she’s giving him money to get takeout and he’s pocketing it when you pay for the meal.

Can’t believe it took two pages before someone framed this appropriately.

You must not know many low income or struggling families? It actually is quite plausible. We’ve had many instances of generosity only begets demands. I don’t want to be specific on here but I believe this.
OP try chatting with the friend and feel out the situation. If there’s food insecurity, then there are better ways to either help the family directly or set them up with the right organizations or contacts at the school to help.

[Anonymous]

Just drop the kid off home and then go to dinner. Seriously how hard is that?

[Anonymous]

Only on DCUM would people be offended by a kid asking for FOOD. He's not asking for toys or something. It's FOOD for goodness sake! Many low-income family can't afford Chipotle or Dominos or anything outside what you might get at a food pantry, so having that as a treat once a month or so would brighten their spirits.

For folks saying this is a slippery slope to the family asking for more - that's when OP can stop their generosity. But right now, it's FOOD!