SIL asked us to take her kids overnight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have an only child. I think it would be nice for her to have cousins with whom she has sleepovers every once in a while.

OP wants nothing to do with her husband’s family.

[Anonymous]

You don’t seem to like ILs much (which is totally fine- not judging at all - I don’t much like mine either). Wouldn’t this be the perfect opportunity for your kid to know his cousins, without having to deal with the adults? 🤷‍♀️ Seems ideal actually. It isn’t as if they are asking you to babysit newborn twins or something… take them to the park, order pizza and put on a Disney movie. It’s one night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have an only child. I think it would be nice for her to have cousins with whom she has sleepovers every once in a while.

OP wants nothing to do with her husband’s family.

…and?

[Anonymous]

OP is well within her rights to say no, but she should embrace it and do it with confidence. In the span of a few posts OP went from “we only have one child because our downtime is important to us” to “I make it a point to see my sister who lives 8 hours at least once a month and I help her with her children”.

Women don’t like women that are their in laws. A story that is as old as time. Just own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is well within her rights to say no, but she should embrace it and do it with confidence. In the span of a few posts OP went from “we only have one child because our downtime is important to us” to “I make it a point to see my sister who lives 8 hours at least once a month and I help her with her children”.

Women don’t like women that are their in laws. A story that is as old as time. Just own it.

+1

I don’t think this is super uncommon. We offered to babysit nieces/nephews on DH’s side after we married and were politely turned down (hey totally fine). We also asked for help once or twice (from DH’s siblings) after we had kids, and were politely turned down. DH’s parents did babysit a few times. Seems like most families rely on ”mom’s side” far more. Off the top of my head, it is true for most people I know. I have sisters only, so no personal point of comparison.

My ILs also don’t particularly like me and never have (nothing I personally did….am a different religion…really just a different branch of the same religion). That may have had an influence but the other son/DIL (a DIL they fully approve of) never got any childcare help either. She, too, relies on her side of the family. DH’s 3 sisters are all tight and traded childcare all the time.

I think this is quite common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is well within her rights to say no, but she should embrace it and do it with confidence. In the span of a few posts OP went from “we only have one child because our downtime is important to us” to “I make it a point to see my sister who lives 8 hours at least once a month and I help her with her children”.

Women don’t like women that are their in laws. A story that is as old as time. Just own it.

+1

I don’t think this is super uncommon. We offered to babysit nieces/nephews on DH’s side after we married and were politely turned down (hey totally fine). We also asked for help once or twice (from DH’s siblings) after we had kids, and were politely turned down. DH’s parents did babysit a few times. Seems like most families rely on ”mom’s side” far more. Off the top of my head, it is true for most people I know. I have sisters only, so no personal point of comparison.

My ILs also don’t particularly like me and never have (nothing I personally did….am a different religion…really just a different branch of the same religion). That may have had an influence but the other son/DIL (a DIL they fully approve of) never got any childcare help either. She, too, relies on her side of the family. DH’s 3 sisters are all tight and traded childcare all the time.

I think this is quite common.

Yep. We’ve lucked out in our family, partly because we have the only grandkids. Maternal grandmother and her sister will gladly come help if asked to and stay for up to four or five nights if we need to leave town. Paternal family is a plane trip away but paternal grandmother kicks us out of the house and tells us to go stay in a hotel for a few nights every time she visits. Paternal grandparents have also stayed with kids for extended periods.

Both sides of paternal and maternal aunts and uncles like to travel with us to see the kids. Most of our friends are surprised by it.

[Anonymous]

This post made me feel sad for the kids involved. It would be nice for all the cousins to get together once in a while at least. I can imagine how hurtful it would be when the SIL tells them that the aunt and uncle don’t want to watch them. It doesn’t seem like a huge ask, and it would be the kind thing to do for the kids’ sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post made me feel sad for the kids involved. It would be nice for all the cousins to get together once in a while at least. I can imagine how hurtful it would be when the SIL tells them that the aunt and uncle don’t want to watch them. It doesn’t seem like a huge ask, and it would be the kind thing to do for the kids’ sake.

OP here -

You’re right. It would be nice for the kids. But one sleepover is not the be all, end all of any opportunities to get them together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have the right to say no, so just do it. But this one overnight is really not the major ask you are making it out to be.

True, if it were just a single overnight, it would be no big deal. Yet, you and so many others fail to see that The Overnight encompasses all snubbing, dissing, ignored opportunities that embody the IL's relationship with OP and her DH. If an overnight has no emotional baggage, it's simple. Add all the emotional baggage to it and it becomes something very different.

I'm sure OP would have been receptive to a playdate at a playground and McDonald's for lunch afterwards. If you're interested in building a relationship, you don't do it by dumping your kids on people who are essentially strangers to them.

OP here. This is it.

I do not really like my SIL. It's also clear she doesn't like me, because she has not responded to a single text of mine trying to get the kids together for playdates. She was never there for me when I had childcare or healthcare emergencies. She and her kids took precedence all those years with my MIL/FIL and had plenty of sleepovers with MIL, a heck of alot more "breaks" and overnights away from her kids than DH and I ever have. DH and I have not had a single night away from our son, ever.

I gave up at some point. Because I realized there was no point in putting an effort into a relationship with someone who does not reciprocate my attempts. She was not interested in getting to know me, so all I know of her is what I hear from my DH who does not speak highly of her or his BIL.

When we do hear from her, it's an ask. She wanted my DH to take her and her kids out on our fishing boat. She pestered him over and over again until he said he would not take them out unless they bought their own lifejackets, which she refused. She expected to borrow our kids lifejacket, which would be too small for her kid. Our son is underweight at a 3T/4T at 4 years old. Her 4 y/o daughter wears an Xsmall.

Her and her BIL do not seem to care about safety, my SIL's kid fell straight to the bottom of a pool at a family event because they don't seem to enforce water safety or require them to wear lifejackets around pools despite them not knowing how to swaim. My SIL was closeby and my BIL just shrugged it off and said "oh, she's fine." Never put their kids in swimming lessons or preschool. Basically just shoved them on my MIL 9-5. They don't enforce carseats for their kids because it will "damage the leather" in their stupid $100K+ SUV.

And so no, when these asks come up it's just like ... why? She was never interested in developing a relationship with my son or I. Our relationship was holiday cards and seeing her kids at holidays or after birthday invites. I'm not giving up 18 hours of time to study or spend with my family 1-1 so that she and BIL can go party.

I'm confused. I thought it was just overnight. But you said it was 24 hours, and now it's only 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post made me feel sad for the kids involved. It would be nice for all the cousins to get together once in a while at least. I can imagine how hurtful it would be when the SIL tells them that the aunt and uncle don’t want to watch them. It doesn’t seem like a huge ask, and it would be the kind thing to do for the kids’ sake.

That would be insane of the SIL to tell her kids that. I doubt those kids at that age were hanging their hat on hanging with strange relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post made me feel sad for the kids involved. It would be nice for all the cousins to get together once in a while at least. I can imagine how hurtful it would be when the SIL tells them that the aunt and uncle don’t want to watch them. It doesn’t seem like a huge ask, and it would be the kind thing to do for the kids’ sake.

Again, every person here agrees that it would be nice for the cousins to get together once in a while. Yet, dumping the kids wtih relatives they don't know for a sleepover so you can get wasted isn't appropriate. In fact, it would be unkind. How comfortable do you think those 2 kids will be having to stay with stranger? I can't believe so many of you think this will be easy. Anyone want to lay bets that the kids will be homesick and crying?

Why in the world would the SIL tell her kids OP and her DH don't want to watch them? Only an asshat would do that! What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what you should do, and you can definitely say no of course, but...


...if one of them throws up in the middle of the night, you handle it like an adult. While I'd let the parents know, I'd never expect them to come back unless we were actually dealing with a real emergency.

So anyway, you clearly don't want to do this, and that is absolutely fine. But don't use the possibility of illness as the reason. You can handle that.

OP here. I would not mind working on the relationship and getting to know her kids better, I'd actually be happy to take the kids out for ice cream or a playdate or something.

But, that's on my DH to develop that relationship with his sister and get the kids together. I don't think SIL likes me, she is very friendly to my face but any texts I sent to get the kids together went unanswered.

With this additional info and given that they never ever helped you, hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking care of 4 and 7 year old relatives for one night when you also have a 4 year old seems like an easy gig to me. HOWEVER, you clearly hate them and don't want to do it, so just say no. You are allowed to say no.

You're awful. I don't think it's easy. It's exhausting when I do it for kids I know well. This would be a big no for me. Op is being used and it sounds like sil has no interest in getting the cousins together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get along with my Sil and bil but like their kids so I would do it. Plus your kid might resent not knowing his cousins. Have sh handle most of the care so you can study

OP here: how much of this relationship building is my responsibility? SIL did not respond to my texts in the past.

The way I see it, it's my husband's responsibility to build his relationship with his sister and playdates. My DH is a little resentful too. We received zero help from any of them in the early days.

A previous PP called it payback. I guess my frustration is that SIL can't really expect free childcare to be extended from us when she provided zero response or interest when my husband was out of town and I had to go to the ER with mastitis and needed someone to watch my 1 y/o at the time. She can figure it out like we had to.

The relationship between cousins is different and not contingent on one sleepover. SIL hasn't really expressed any interest in developing any kind of a sisterly relationship with me, and I can see why. She has a strong relationship with her family, siblings, and friends. I have a much stronger relationship with my own sister (who albeit, lives 8 hours away), but I do make an effort to see my sister at least one a month and have stayed at her house overnight to help with her kids. I'm happy to start developing better relationships between our kids, but I don't want to just become free childcare to them.

OP. Seriously. You are entitled to feel your feelings. But be honest: you just don't like this chick. You probably don't actually want her watching your kids either.

You are right. I don't. I don't want her watching my son. I tolerate them at birthdays and holidays. I don't want to be the one to work on the relationship and want my husband to take initiative in this area and take over the social aspects between his family.

But, I do understand the importance of the cousins developing a relationship. I am willing to try - but not an overnight sleepover. I still see that as my husbands responsibility to manage relationships with his own family. I tried in the early days but she did not reciprocate the interest and I gave up.

Well, consider that if you sincerely would like to foster a relationship between the cousins - not exclusively you but assume you are participating in parenting your own child and supervising other children in your house - this is an opportunity to do that. You can have a really amazing sleepover for the cousins. You can get them the COUSIN CREW shirts my MIL loves so much. So what if your SIL didn't respond to your messages in the past? Why does that mean this sleepover is a bad idea?

You don't have to do anything other than host a couple of kids. If you were a person who had never seen the kids before or a person who didn't have kids, I could understand a 4yo who needs help in the bathroom sometimes being intimidating, but you also have a 4yo. This is not a dealbreaker unless you want it to be. If you want your husband to be in charge of communicating with his sister, fine. Sounds like hanging out with the kids will be more fun for you anyway.

OP here. Those are sweet suggestions actually. I'm not there yet where I would feel comfortable watching her kids for 24 hours.

So say no and move TF on. Why are you continuing to run your trap on this topic? It’s clear you hate your SIL.

not op. gawd you're a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is sooo busy with her own kid and her own life and couldn’t possibly find the time to help her family out - yet she has plenty of time to write a novel on an anonymous chat board and bash them.

You’re just a mean person, OP. That’s the bottom line.

My goodness, you are immature. Did you bother to read the op?