To ask for no gifts, or not to ask for no gifts... that is the question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say nothing. Its tacky to mention gifts for a party. If you get gifts, great, enjoy them and help write a thank you note and if not, then enjoy the party.

People are NOT bothered by giving gifts. People are bothered by the mention of gifts, location - far distance or bad times (kids have other activities and when they get older with sports it becomes an issue), no food, etc.

Do you also think it’s tacky to include gift registry information in a shower or wedding invite? Because that’s also tacky according to passé etiquette and even the most old money WASPy weddings I’ve been to include registry info. Ettiquette evolves over time, it’s no longer tacky to say “no gifts” unless you are a DCUM dinosaur.

I’m not PP, but yes that’s tacky too. You ask the host who is hopefully not the mother of the bride/mom to be.

[Anonymous]

Is it tacky/bad etiquette to NOT bring a gift even though it doesn’t say anything about bringing gifts? Or if the invitation says gifts welcome, and someone doesn’t bring one is that tacky/basic etiquette ?

[Anonymous]

If you don’t say anything it is assumed you want gifts. I like “no gifts” as both a host and a guest. Did that for our wedding. Close family members and friends gave checks or gift cards. Didn’t get any boxed gifts and most people didn’t bring anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t say anything it is assumed you want gifts. I like “no gifts” as both a host and a guest. Did that for our wedding. Close family members and friends gave checks or gift cards. Didn’t get any boxed gifts and most people didn’t bring anything.

OP here. We also did no gifts for our wedding, but we did suggest a charity if people insisted. Worked great.

I get it that it's convenient for adults not to bring a gift, and I certainly don't want anyone to feel obligated. We are not wealthy (by DC standards) but also don't need any more "stuff" and DS has everything he needs. But growing up, I remember the gift exchanges were in fact meaningful to us as kids, and that's the part I'm wondering about. Isn't gifting also about strengthening relationships and teaching empathy ("let's get Larla an Elsa magic wand, since she loves Frozen, even if you don't"), etc.? Would I be taking away something more than a gift if I wrote "no gifts?"

[Anonymous]

I generally like taking my kids shopping for gifts, or when they help pick something online. It's good practice thinking of others and what they are into and might like, as well as good practice *only* shopping for birthday kid.

OP I think you are over thinking it a little, and if your kid will enjoy gifts as you state they will, leave it open to the givers.

With cousins or something where you're setting precedent of how much or if gifts are exchanged that's different because its discussed between the adults and reciprocal.

[Anonymous]

The whole no gift phenomena completely baffles me. Honestly, I see it as a way for people to think they’re showing you that they’re better than you. I would never ever put no gifts on any kind of an invitation. I would never put any reference to gifts on any kind of invitation, and that includes gift registries.

[Anonymous]

I hate gift parties. My 4 yo makes a handmade card for every party. I don’t want to think about one more thing. Despite my strong feelings, I forgot to say no gift on DC’s invitations. People don’t spend a lot of money on gifts (understandably!) so most gifts are kind of junky. The few gifts that got more than a couple minutes of interest were books and craft supplies (not craft in a box).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The whole no gift phenomena completely baffles me. Honestly, I see it as a way for people to think they’re showing you that they’re better than you. I would never ever put no gifts on any kind of an invitation. I would never put any reference to gifts on any kind of invitation, and that includes gift registries.

That actually says more about you than anyone who writes "no gifts" on an invitation. There are people like that, I suppose, but I've never met any. I think some are concerned that some of their guests might not have a lot of extra money and don't want anyone not to attend because they can't afford a gift. Some think that their kids have too many toys already, or will get tons of gifts from family members, and want to limit the size of the pile because their kids get overwhelmed or whatever. Some live in small homes and are worried about storage space. I will happily do whatever the host requests, and I certainly don't think less of them for it. I've never written "no gifts" on an invitation, but the people I know who do are absolutely not snobs or trying to make people feel inferior. They are kind, down-to-earth, nice people who are doing this because it makes the most sense for their kids. And they happily bring gifts to other kids' parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t say anything it is assumed you want gifts. I like “no gifts” as both a host and a guest. Did that for our wedding. Close family members and friends gave checks or gift cards. Didn’t get any boxed gifts and most people didn’t bring anything.

OP here. We also did no gifts for our wedding, but we did suggest a charity if people insisted. Worked great.

I get it that it's convenient for adults not to bring a gift, and I certainly don't want anyone to feel obligated. We are not wealthy (by DC standards) but also don't need any more "stuff" and DS has everything he needs. But growing up, I remember the gift exchanges were in fact meaningful to us as kids, and that's the part I'm wondering about. Isn't gifting also about strengthening relationships and teaching empathy ("let's get Larla an Elsa magic wand, since she loves Frozen, even if you don't"), etc.? Would I be taking away something more than a gift if I wrote "no gifts?"

it sounds like you and your child want the gifts so don't put 'no gifts' then. but warning: most gifts are total junk. i thought most people would bring legos but in fact we only got one small lego set (a boy themed one, to boot - so probably a regift).

[Anonymous]

Just let your guests bring gifts. Doing the "no gifts" or "make a donation" thing is about the parents, not the child. It's about showing off and virtue signaling. Let's just call it what it is.

[Anonymous]

I say no gifts just because I only want people to come and have fun. I also have a large house party, so I think people think that's cheap already (??). I don't want people to think we're having a large party to ask for tons of gifts. Instead it's to include as many friends as possible.

[Anonymous]

We're a "please no gift" family, our one and only child has enough and space is an issue.
We want you to come, enjoy the party and celebrate without feeling obligated to add an extra chore to your list.
Do whatever you want, your 4 yo may love new books or blocks.

No judgements here. You do you.

[Anonymous]

In real life no one gets their panties in a bunch over no gift parties. My DD is 5 and my DS is 3 and every single party we have been to this year has been a no gifts party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i will be honest but only because it's an anonymous board:

i prefer no gifts parties because i don't need to buy gifts. it's not about the money, it's another thing to think about. i had amazon toys come in damaged packaging the night before the party and had a last minute scramble to buy a gift. so no gift parties are a win in my book. yes i could stack up on gift cards but that just doesn't feel like a gift to a child which bring me to the fact that...

i would never do a no gift party myself. i hate the crap (and most gifts are total crap and much worse than what we give) but kids love it and it's big part of the appeal of the whole thing. i can't imagine taking that from them, it really sucks the fun out of it.

We love the gifts as some people choose great gifts we would not think of. Usually you get a week or two notice so how hard is it to pick something up or order in advanced. That sounds like a failure on your part. If you go to that many parties, put up a few gifts in advanced and you have them available.

When kids are older, gift cards (and presents) are good. My child has specific hobbies so they were great to combine them to get what he really wanted.

we have 3 kids and two full time jobs with no help. not having gifts at hand with two weeks is a failure on my part sure, but I have much more important things to think about than some rando kid’s gift. which is why I prefer no gifts parties as a guest.

Ok.. so you are one of those parents who wants a prize for 3 kids. I don't get having 3 kids when you cannot handle it. You do it for status but forget all the needs each kid has.

yeah... preferring no gift parties doesn’t quite qualify as “can’t handle my children’s needs” in my book. in fact we have never gone without a gift to a no “no gift’ party and we give much nicer and more expensive gifts than anything my kids have ever gotten. but yeah when I see “no gifts” on an invitation it makes me smile. sue me!

You're insufferable.