Apparently, you just get to stop parenting the third kid...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder what the other side of the story is - is the other kid completely innocent or not?

My DD has two older brothers and she can hold her own. I joke that I pity the 3-4 y/o who tries to cross her. I’m not proud of her ever resorting to violence and tell her not to do it but I did get one incident report last year. Apparently a boy was bothering her (pushing her / taking her stuff) and she finished it. The preschool teachers were basically like - we have to report this to you but we are not worried about it- she was really provoked. It hasn’t happened again and I told her not to do it again and we are all friends with the other kid etc.

You only have to "learn how to hold your own" in a home where there is physical aggression. If you are referring to a lively debate amongst siblings around the dinner table, that's an okay type of "holding your own." But if a younger sibling is fighting with her peers because she fights with her older siblings, you do, in fact, have a situation that you need to deal with. Your jokes about how aggressive your 3-4 year old is really funny, I'm sure the other parents love it when your kid hits their kid!

[Anonymous]

I think the age gap and family resources matter a ton.

When I had 2 kids, I often felt the mom with 3 had the jerk kid who was going around hittkng. Plenty of onelies or seconds who are brats.

I have a big gap between my second and third. Our third gets the most attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder what the other side of the story is - is the other kid completely innocent or not?

My DD has two older brothers and she can hold her own. I joke that I pity the 3-4 y/o who tries to cross her. I’m not proud of her ever resorting to violence and tell her not to do it but I did get one incident report last year. Apparently a boy was bothering her (pushing her / taking her stuff) and she finished it. The preschool teachers were basically like - we have to report this to you but we are not worried about it- she was really provoked. It hasn’t happened again and I told her not to do it again and we are all friends with the other kid etc.

You only have to "learn how to hold your own" in a home where there is physical aggression. If you are referring to a lively debate amongst siblings around the dinner table, that's an okay type of "holding your own." But if a younger sibling is fighting with her peers because she fights with her older siblings, you do, in fact, have a situation that you need to deal with. Your jokes about how aggressive your 3-4 year old is really funny, I'm sure the other parents love it when your kid hits their kid!

Sure, here is an example. One of my prouder parenting moments was at the pool last summer. My middle guy is 6. One of his friends had one of those liquidator water guns, and was threatening to squirt then 3 y/o DD with it (who was out of the water). Another 6 y/o boy was egging him on, saying - squirt her, squirt her! DD was very vocal saying: NO, don’t squirt me! Don’t squirt me! I was there, but I didn’t immediately jump in because I wanted to give the boys a chance to hear her saying NO and respond appropriately. Anyway just as the water starting coming out of the liquidator and I was walking over, my middle guy pushed the top down so it would hit the ground and not DD.

If that’s not a typical interaction where you live I guess there’s a lot of hovering parents. Which is fine for me I guess - then maybe those other kids wouldn’t be bothering DD. But I’m not going to have a cow about it, like apparently you would.

[Anonymous]

We're only hearing your perspective... but I suspect the other mother's might be something along the lines of those with 1-2 kids are way to hovering too much and don't let the kids work it out among themselves, which is good for everyone (although seeing your kid hit someone else's kid and throwing up your hands or laughing would also cross a line for me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:her child likely has special needs and she refuses to address them.

Huh, interesting you thought that. I assumed he is being ignored by her and he's acting out to get attention.

[Anonymous]

I know a mom like this whose 4th kid was physically violent. She blamed it on having older siblings and not being socialized with same-age peers. He was also nonverbal and went on to do therapies. Not sure if they ever got a diagnoses.

[Anonymous]

It’s true that kids need to learn to resolve conflicts on their own, but if their method of resolution involves physical violence, then an adult needs to step in because this hands-off method isn’t working. And a three year old isn’t old enough to resolve disputes independently. At this age, a parent or other caregiver should be helping guide appropriate ways of responding in conflict situations.

[Anonymous]

I had cousins like this growing up. They would fight, break our toys, and were generally out of control. There were four of them in this family. The youngest was ten when my husband met him, and the first thing he (my cousin) did was start launching ping pong balls at my husband. My aunt used to say “boys need to be boys before they can become men.”
Fast forward 15 years later, and they are all wonderful adults. Three of them are doctors or in medical school. They are all married to really nice women. They are funny, self-assured, and non-judgemental. I have 35 first cousins, and these are among the least neurotic and the most family oriented despite their time consuming careers.
Anyway, my aunt caught a lot of flack from my family while we were all growing up, but maybe it’s not all bad to let your kids be a little crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:her child likely has special needs and she refuses to address them.

Huh, interesting you thought that. I assumed he is being ignored by her and he's acting out to get attention.

They are not mutually exclusive. It's probably both.