Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

[Anonymous]

Have your DH clean the house.. of wait, if he was a nice person he would actually think of someone else but himself. Sounds like you DH is patriarchal ahole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You let your 4 year old shower by himself? Aren't you worried he isn't getting clean enough?

?? how much cleaning do most children need? Water running over their body is generally enough at least 80% of the time. Some shampoo on the head now and then is good too. Almost no one needs furious scrubbing after a normal day as a 4 year old.

[Anonymous]

I'd zoom out and list ALLLL the chores that happen during this time.

In one column is Parent A:
-supervise shower time for 4 year old.

In the other column Parent B:
-clean kitchen
-pack backpack
-set up bedtime
-etc etc etc

Then bring that the the therapist and say: all these things need to get done between 6:45pm and 7:30pm. DH, please choose ONE list you are willing to complete each night. I'm flexible on which one I do.

[Anonymous]

So your dh doesnt feel like parenting in the evening? Tell him to join the club.

[Anonymous]

Ha! Right there with you! Except my husband refuses to communicate or go to counseling, so the best I've come up with is treat him like a kid and ask/remind him, but our marriage has suffered.

My guess is he doesn't think all the things you do are important, he's tired, and he doesn't have good time management.

For your particular situation, I would give him the task of cleaning the kitchen, because it doesn't matter when he does it as long as it's before he goes to bed. Every once in a while sneak in the request for him to also pack the lunch. Just accept doing the rest and remind yourself of other things he does, such as changing lightbulbs or fixing things.

And if he's like my husband, he'll be really good at shuttling your son to all his activities when he gets older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH have been going to a marriage counselor. One thing we are working on is division of chores. We keep having the same stumbling block. I’m supposed to clean up dinner. DH is supposed to give DS a bath. His task is easy. DS is 4 and takes a shower. You literally have to stay within earshot with your phone, occasionally fetch a toy for DS, and wait for him to finish and dry him off.

While this is occurring, I run around and do dinner clean up, reset DS’s backpack, maybe flip a laundry load, pack lunch, and basically reset the house and get us set up for a nice day. I can’t do all this while supervising the shower. And I profoundly dislike doing it before DS gets into the shower because it takes me three times longer bc DS is in my hair while I’m clearing up.

The shower is also the beginning of our bedtime routine. It sets us up so that I can apply DS’s lotions (eczema issues) and pajamas and story time. It keeps him on schedule.

Despite the simple nature of the task, DH has never done it consistently. Today he fell asleep on the couch. Sometimes he waits sooo long and it’s obvious DS is overtired and needs to get his bedtime routine started. And when this happens, DS gets really really whiny and is all over me and I end up doing it. Sometimes he says his back hurts or he is not feeling well.

I started dealing with it by simply not cleaning up. Not to be a jerk. Just because I felt less resentful - like at least I wasn’t doing EVERYTHING. But then DH complained to the therapist and the therapist said I shouldn’t do that- I should tell him in a kind but assertive way that he needs to do his task. However how can I do that - wake him up and tell DH to put the kid in the shower? Say “sorry you are sick, please do your task?”

We have spent literally 3 sessions with the counselor on this. I don’t know why he cannot do this. It makes such a big difference to the functioning of our house when he does this small thing. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH have been going to a marriage counselor. One thing we are working on is division of chores. We keep having the same stumbling block. I’m supposed to clean up dinner. DH is supposed to give DS a bath. His task is easy. DS is 4 and takes a shower. You literally have to stay within earshot with your phone, occasionally fetch a toy for DS, and wait for him to finish and dry him off.

While this is occurring, I run around and do dinner clean up, reset DS’s backpack, maybe flip a laundry load, pack lunch, and basically reset the house and get us set up for a nice day. I can’t do all this while supervising the shower. And I profoundly dislike doing it before DS gets into the shower because it takes me three times longer bc DS is in my hair while I’m clearing up.

The shower is also the beginning of our bedtime routine. It sets us up so that I can apply DS’s lotions (eczema issues) and pajamas and story time. It keeps him on schedule.

Despite the simple nature of the task, DH has never done it consistently. Today he fell asleep on the couch. Sometimes he waits sooo long and it’s obvious DS is overtired and needs to get his bedtime routine started. And when this happens, DS gets really really whiny and is all over me and I end up doing it. Sometimes he says his back hurts or he is not feeling well.

I started dealing with it by simply not cleaning up. Not to be a jerk. Just because I felt less resentful - like at least I wasn’t doing EVERYTHING. But then DH complained to the therapist and the therapist said I shouldn’t do that- I should tell him in a kind but assertive way that he needs to do his task. However how can I do that - wake him up and tell DH to put the kid in the shower? Say “sorry you are sick, please do your task?”

We have spent literally 3 sessions with the counselor on this. I don’t know why he cannot do this. It makes such a big difference to the functioning of our house when he does this small thing. Any advice?

I hit submit too early.

I have no patience for man children who don't do their fair share. However, if your DH is so sick that he is falling asleep on the couch after dinner, then he gets a pass. And if you are so regimented that you can't give your partner a break when they're sick, then that might be contributing to this negative dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd zoom out and list ALLLL the chores that happen during this time.

In one column is Parent A:
-supervise shower time for 4 year old.

In the other column Parent B:
-clean kitchen
-pack backpack
-set up bedtime
-etc etc etc

Then bring that the the therapist and say: all these things need to get done between 6:45pm and 7:30pm. DH, please choose ONE list you are willing to complete each night. I'm flexible on which one I do.

Why do these things have to be done at that time? Backpack can be dealt with right when kid gets home. Bedtime can be set up in the morning after the bed is made. Be creative. Maybe OP needs a little therapy to break out of certain routines being done at a certain time in a certain way.

But NO ONE falls asleep on the couch before the child is put to bed. NO ONE.

[Anonymous]

The night your DH was too sick to get up off the couch, was he able to consume dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want him to step up and do what he’s supposed to do without having to parent him too. You are resentful that he is not doing it himself.

You have to decide how long you are going to be pissed that he can’t do one simple task vs be in a marriage with the husband you have.

Once you make peace with having a husband who will never willing do what needs to be done, the sooner you can come up with a plan that works for both of you.

In therapy, say “I want to find a solution that works for both of us. This is the list of things that need to be done each evening. It seems that supervising showers isn’t working for you. So either, it’s not the task you want to do. Or it’s a sign that you don’t want to do any of the task.”

Then you talk about why he thinks he shouldn’t do XYZ. Or he wants to wait until he feels like doing it. Which you discuss if it’s fair to wait until you feel like doing something.

Maybe he will do it, but you will always be the one leading the nighttime routine. So in therapy you come up with a script he is okay with you saying every night. I have ADD and have no sense of time. So DH usually takes the lead on when we start the evening routine. Every night to me and DS he has to say “in 15 mins or after this show we will start getting ready for bed”. Every night.

So you might say, okay after dinner DS has 30 mins to play. Then we start the night time routine. DH, you supervise the shower, I’ll clean up and get ready for tomorrow. Every night.

If he really truly believes that he can’t pick from your list of evening activities or can’t commit to doing them regardless of how he feels. Then you come up with how you will react.

Well if you can’t supervise the shower or help clean up and prepare for tomorrow, I’ll have to cut back on what I prepare for dinner so I won’t have as much clean up. Then you make peanut butter sandwiches with carrots and ranch for dinner. Every night.

You need more love for this comment, PP. Spot on, including the bolded. This is the adult way to handle this.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I would ask your husband whether he wanted kids. It sounds like the burden of caring for the kid’s needs falls on you, and he doesn’t even bother to be attuned to what those needs are.

The second question is what you want. Do you really want to be the house manager? Sounds like you are ambivalent, as in you see yourself in the role of the one who is in control and who is responsible. But you don’t want to be. That ambivalence could be creating issues for the teamwork aspect of your marriage.

Practical solutions: I am on team new therapist, as his/her answer was lame. You need to remind him when bath is? That seems inefficient. We’re not asking your husband to telepathically read minds. He just needs to be able to read a clock. In our house bath is X minutes before bedtime, done. If your husband doesn’t want to do these things but still wants to be part of the team, he needs to work enough to pay for a mother’s helper to come in and bathe the kid and clean up after dinner so you can do everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By “resetting the house” I mean- cleaning up dinner dishes, doing laundry as necessary (just mine and DS- DH does his own), putting away leftovers, opening DS’s backpack to pull out and pitch artwork, make sure no dirty clothes were sent home (it’s an outdoor-focused school), cleaning out his lunchbox, and reading the daily journal this is sent home, packing a lunch for DS.

That’s easily an hour’s worth of work. A shower is 10 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Almost every night, I say to dh "Do you want kitchen duty or bath duty?" (Or I just state my preference). Some of the things on your list fall under "bath duty" such as lotion and PJs, tooth brushing. That could also include making sure DS has clean clothes for the next day (hopefully thereby eliminating the need to do laundry during the week). Dh can also have DS pick out his books so all you have to do is go in and start reading.

Redivide the chores to add more to the "bath duty" list. And give him a choice every night just so he hears that you're not going to do all of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your husband in good health? If he'd falling asleep on the sofa, it sounds like there may be more going on than you've let on...

[Anonymous]

Yes. You still have to parent when you're sick. That's parenting.