what does it feel like to want to have kids?

[Anonymous]

thanks for this thread OP. I'm about to turn 30 and am super ambivalent about kids and wonder how I am supposed to know if I want them or not

[Anonymous]

For me it was a physical urge, almost, and I'm someone who went through an absurd number of IVFs and other hurdles (I'm in a same-sex marriage etc) to conceive. It's an anxious feeling. A jealous feeling at times when those around you fall pregnant. It can be all consuming, but perhaps more so in my case due to the fact that the sense of urgency was renewed with each failure/loss/whatever.

My life would have been so much easier in every regard if I hadn't had that gnawing desire. Now that I have kids (who I love with all my heart), my life has become immeasurably more difficult and the woes of infertility have quickly been replaced by the woes of feeling like a terrible parent!

[Anonymous]

DH and I did not want kids. Had great careers and a great social life living in NYC. Travelled extensively all over the world, attended a lot of parties. Got a lot of degrees. Went out all the time. Lived like this for 18 yrs.

When I was 39, DH changed his mind about having kids. DH has a chromosomal defect, a pericentric inversion, that increases chance of miscarriage.

I got pregnant easily using a fertility monitor three times. The first two resulted in miscarriage, one of them a missed miscarriage. The third one took and we have a 6th grader now.

I always tell DH, I am so glad he changed his mind. DS is the best thing that’s ever happened to us. The only regret I have is that we did not start earlier so we can have two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you need to ask this question, you’re not meant to be a parent. You would have made sure there were kids in your life already.

This is OP - and don't worry, I am not struggling with this decision for myself. I am just curious what this feels like for other people. I know that wanting kids is a powerful urge - I've never experienced it WRT kids, so I just wanted to hear from others what it was like. (you know, to try to understand the human experience a little better!)

I think I would love having grandkids but I don't want kids enough to do it just for that sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was a physical urge, almost, and I'm someone who went through an absurd number of IVFs and other hurdles (I'm in a same-sex marriage etc) to conceive. It's an anxious feeling. A jealous feeling at times when those around you fall pregnant. It can be all consuming, but perhaps more so in my case due to the fact that the sense of urgency was renewed with each failure/loss/whatever.

My life would have been so much easier in every regard if I hadn't had that gnawing desire. Now that I have kids (who I love with all my heart), my life has become immeasurably more difficult and the woes of infertility have quickly been replaced by the woes of feeling like a terrible parent!

This is OP - and hugs to you. I'm sure you are not a terrible parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it was a physical urge, almost, and I'm someone who went through an absurd number of IVFs and other hurdles (I'm in a same-sex marriage etc) to conceive. It's an anxious feeling. A jealous feeling at times when those around you fall pregnant. It can be all consuming, but perhaps more so in my case due to the fact that the sense of urgency was renewed with each failure/loss/whatever.

My life would have been so much easier in every regard if I hadn't had that gnawing desire. Now that I have kids (who I love with all my heart), my life has become immeasurably more difficult and the woes of infertility have quickly been replaced by the woes of feeling like a terrible parent!

This is OP - and hugs to you. I'm sure you are not a terrible parent!

Thanks OP I appreciate the vote of confidence.

[Anonymous]

If you know what it's like to want something so badly, you can't get it off your mind, then you know what it is like for some people.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting topic. I never had the urge to procreate, but at age 34 just jumped in and had one hoping it would be cooler than it sounded in my head. I didn't even decide it was a good decision until my son was around 3 (while my friends were in love from the get-go). And as much as I love my son now, the urge never hit to have another.

I was also talking to a few moms of all boys recently about how sad they were when they found out their third was a boy. They all expressed similar feelings of devastation (mixed with guilt). I was trying to understand what it was about having a girl—nobody could really pinpoint or explain it. I wonder if wanting a certain gender is a similar urge to wanting a kid in the first place.

I also wonder why some of don't have this baby gene—if the goal of a species is to reproduce, then we should all have it.

[Anonymous]

I am someone who has always wanted children. I think part of it is biological as other people have said.

I think it is also a 'vision' that a lot of people have about their life. Something they strive towards. It is a fundamental part of what you want out of life.

When someone loses a limb for example or receives a diagnosis of a disease that will dramatically alter their future, they are grieving something viseral, which is the vision of the life they wanted and thought they would have. Certainly they can figure out how to be happy in and enjoy this new life, but it changes EVERYTHING.

That is what it is like to have infertility issues and think you might not have children. It effects your vision of what your entire life was going to look like. Add in that there is a physical and biological imperative driving that vision and you have something that is VERY important to some people.

Also, for women, it is kind of what it MEANS to be a woman. Of course not for everyone, but this experience is something that binds women together through history. And when you can't have a baby, similar to when some women get mastectomies, it alters your vision of yourself. I had trouble getting pregnant with my first and had an overwhelming feeling of being a failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting topic. I never had the urge to procreate, but at age 34 just jumped in and had one hoping it would be cooler than it sounded in my head. I didn't even decide it was a good decision until my son was around 3 (while my friends were in love from the get-go). And as much as I love my son now, the urge never hit to have another.

I was also talking to a few moms of all boys recently about how sad they were when they found out their third was a boy. They all expressed similar feelings of devastation (mixed with guilt). I was trying to understand what it was about having a girl—nobody could really pinpoint or explain it. I wonder if wanting a certain gender is a similar urge to wanting a kid in the first place.

I also wonder why some of don't have this baby gene—if the goal of a species is to reproduce, then we should all have it.

My DW is pregnant with our first and we just found out it is a boy. DW is pretty disappointed, as am I (but to a much lesser extent). We wanted a girl.

I believe her exact words get to the crux of the issue: "I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with a boy. I'm girlie."

I think that there is a feeling of ambiguity and unfamiliarity when it comes to having a boy, especially if it is the first child. DW - in the same conversation - asked if we could try for a 2nd, lol. DW's family is dominated by women, so that's what she's comfortable with.

Of course, we are also incredibly fortunate to be pregnant with a healthy boy and have the resources to raise him. I refuse to lose sight of those facts.

[Anonymous]

OP I just posted but I'll also add that something about the timeline of the conception process creates a uniquely cruel cycle of hope and failure that makes it hard to quit. Every period is another cycle, another try. You get your hopes up, you fail, you have another chance. It gets in your head unlike anything I've ever been through.

You also fall deep into a sunk cost fallacy. Once you're on your 6th IVF or something you're more than 100k in the hole in dollars and mentally you have sunk an incredible amount of energy, how do you give up then? It like the frog in the pot, its hard to know when the water starts boiling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am someone who has always wanted children. I think part of it is biological as other people have said.

I think it is also a 'vision' that a lot of people have about their life. Something they strive towards. It is a fundamental part of what you want out of life.

When someone loses a limb for example or receives a diagnosis of a disease that will dramatically alter their future, they are grieving something viseral, which is the vision of the life they wanted and thought they would have. Certainly they can figure out how to be happy in and enjoy this new life, but it changes EVERYTHING.

That is what it is like to have infertility issues and think you might not have children. It effects your vision of what your entire life was going to look like. Add in that there is a physical and biological imperative driving that vision and you have something that is VERY important to some people.

Also, for women, it is kind of what it MEANS to be a woman. Of course not for everyone, but this experience is something that binds women together through history. And when you can't have a baby, similar to when some women get mastectomies, it alters your vision of yourself. I had trouble getting pregnant with my first and had an overwhelming feeling of being a failure.

This is OP - I'm so sorry you had to experience that feeling. And it makes sense, the analogy you're making - that not having a child would in a way feel like a missing limb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting topic. I never had the urge to procreate, but at age 34 just jumped in and had one hoping it would be cooler than it sounded in my head. I didn't even decide it was a good decision until my son was around 3 (while my friends were in love from the get-go). And as much as I love my son now, the urge never hit to have another.

I was also talking to a few moms of all boys recently about how sad they were when they found out their third was a boy. They all expressed similar feelings of devastation (mixed with guilt). I was trying to understand what it was about having a girl—nobody could really pinpoint or explain it. I wonder if wanting a certain gender is a similar urge to wanting a kid in the first place.

I also wonder why some of don't have this baby gene—if the goal of a species is to reproduce, then we should all have it.

My DW is pregnant with our first and we just found out it is a boy. DW is pretty disappointed, as am I (but to a much lesser extent). We wanted a girl.

I believe her exact words get to the crux of the issue: "I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with a boy. I'm girlie."

I think that there is a feeling of ambiguity and unfamiliarity when it comes to having a boy, especially if it is the first child. DW - in the same conversation - asked if we could try for a 2nd, lol. DW's family is dominated by women, so that's what she's comfortable with.

Of course, we are also incredibly fortunate to be pregnant with a healthy boy and have the resources to raise him. I refuse to lose sight of those facts.

DP. I felt similarly. My first was a girl and I was over the moon. I felt like I could teach her how to be a woman in a way only DH will be able to teach our son how to be a man. I think that is what it is about. There is a bond between women that even if its just subconsciously, I think women want to give to the next generation.

I would tell your wife if I was talking to her though that my son is the light of my life. She will figure it out . Turns out boys are great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I just posted but I'll also add that something about the timeline of the conception process creates a uniquely cruel cycle of hope and failure that makes it hard to quit. Every period is another cycle, another try. You get your hopes up, you fail, you have another chance. It gets in your head unlike anything I've ever been through.

You also fall deep into a sunk cost fallacy. Once you're on your 6th IVF or something you're more than 100k in the hole in dollars and mentally you have sunk an incredible amount of energy, how do you give up then? It like the frog in the pot, its hard to know when the water starts boiling.

Yeah - I can see that. (And man almighty that is a lot of $$. Wow. That really speaks to the overwhelming desire to have a baby, I think.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you need to ask this question, you’re not meant to be a parent. You would have made sure there were kids in your life already.

This isn't true and unfair. I wasn't sure I wanted to be a mom, but I didn't want to wake up one day (like OP at 45) and wish I'd had kids. I think 45 is too late...especially if your partner doesn't want children. Even when I was pregnant I wasn't excited, I was full of nerve. But now that my daughter is a few years older, I am so happy I took the leap of faith and became a mom. She is my life. It's not the same until it's your own child.