SAHM just back to work...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a sham back to work (after a decade) and completely agree with you. Working is way easier than childcare and house crap. I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this, but dropping your kids in daycare and working is he easy way out.

Way to take a post everyone could relate to and try to turn it into mommy wars. Or maybe it’s easy because you are a sham back to work instead of for real back to work haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:... and wow, can I just say this is so much easier than life at home with 3 kids under 5? Time to actually accomplish something without kid interruptions, time to have coffee and chat it’s other adults... it’s mindblowing after years at home with little ones. I’m in a good place with my FT job, it’s decently challenging and interesting but no crazy hours.

Kids are all in care that I’m comfortable with and they seem happy.

My problem... the guilt! Anyone else feel this way? Like I should be home with them instead of working at a job that admittedly doesn’t bring in much $ after care for kid is paid. I feel guilty for “dumping “ them in care full time. But I am happier and more relaxed and fulfilled. But feeling guilty. Thoughts? Commiseration? Does the guilt subsid?

Congratulations! I don't feel guilty for working. My kids need to eat and live indoors, so I work. If your kids' needs are met, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

+1. Also, moms deserve to have non-maternal needs met too, and should be able to pursue this through paid work if they wish, same as dads--intellectual stimulation, social outlet, doing work that's interesting or helps people or scratches some other itch. And, you're saving for retirement, and helping yours and their financial future. No guilt for me--I'm a better parent when I'm working, for sure!

[Anonymous]

I mean, clearly it depends on what type of FT job we’re talking. If you’ve got a chill 40 hour a week clock in clock out then sure..chasing around 3 kids sounds completely physically and mentally exhausting ..but the real struggle is when you and your DH both have demanding jobs where you both often have to take after business hours calls and work on weekends. That juggle is not easy, and during cold/flu season and random APS closing/delays, life becomes a shitshow.

[Anonymous]

The only time I ever feel guilty is when my kid is sick and we have to call in backup care because neither of us can skip out on work. I feel horrible then and we do our best but I am sure he’d rather have us than a stranger especially when he is sicn

Any other time, zero guilt..he loves daycare, he has art class, music class, science class..it’s amazing. My husband and I always marvel at how they are able to get him to do art projects, whereas I try to give him a marker and he bites off the tip (he is 1).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... and wow, can I just say this is so much easier than life at home with 3 kids under 5? Time to actually accomplish something without kid interruptions, time to have coffee and chat it’s other adults... it’s mindblowing after years at home with little ones. I’m in a good place with my FT job, it’s decently challenging and interesting but no crazy hours.

Kids are all in care that I’m comfortable with and they seem happy.

My problem... the guilt! Anyone else feel this way? Like I should be home with them instead of working at a job that admittedly doesn’t bring in much $ after care for kid is paid. I feel guilty for “dumping “ them in care full time. But I am happier and more relaxed and fulfilled. But feeling guilty. Thoughts? Commiseration? Does the guilt subsid?

I have 3 kids under 5, have always WOH FT, and I think all the time about how being a SAHM would be less stressful. Right now it feels like I am on the go non-stop, and someone always wants something from me - going from meeting to meeting or deliverable to deliverable at work, and then on-call with the kids at home, and cramming in a few more work emails at night. There are definitely days where it feels like I am short-changing both my kids and my career - so guilt on both fronts. That's when I think that it would be easier to go all-in with my kids and be a SAHM and feel like I am doing one thing really, really well...or at least one thing would have my full attention.

I hope that going back to WOH continues to be a great experience and you stay happy, relaxed, and fulfilled - and that all the guilt disappears as it becomes your new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, clearly it depends on what type of FT job we’re talking. If you’ve got a chill 40 hour a week clock in clock out then sure..chasing around 3 kids sounds completely physically and mentally exhausting ..but the real struggle is when you and your DH both have demanding jobs where you both often have to take after business hours calls and work on weekends. That juggle is not easy, and during cold/flu season and random APS closing/delays, life becomes a shitshow.

+1

It is not easy being a WOHM either. Here is the perfect scenario for both SAHMs and WOHMs -

Working at a fulfilling and fun job with zero commute, super flexible, with a boss and coworkers who are helpful, pays well, and you have a team of care providers and you can do everything with your kids that you want. You can take off if your kids are sick and you can take your kids with you where-ever you go.

The only person who has this setup is Kylie Jenner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:... and wow, can I just say this is so much easier than life at home with 3 kids under 5? Time to actually accomplish something without kid interruptions, time to have coffee and chat it’s other adults... it’s mindblowing after years at home with little ones. I’m in a good place with my FT job, it’s decently challenging and interesting but no crazy hours.

Kids are all in care that I’m comfortable with and they seem happy.

My problem... the guilt! Anyone else feel this way? Like I should be home with them instead of working at a job that admittedly doesn’t bring in much $ after care for kid is paid. I feel guilty for “dumping “ them in care full time. But I am happier and more relaxed and fulfilled. But feeling guilty. Thoughts? Commiseration? Does the guilt subsid?

I have 3 kids under 5, have always WOH FT, and I think all the time about how being a SAHM would be less stressful. Right now it feels like I am on the go non-stop, and someone always wants something from me - going from meeting to meeting or deliverable to deliverable at work, and then on-call with the kids at home, and cramming in a few more work emails at night. There are definitely days where it feels like I am short-changing both my kids and my career - so guilt on both fronts. That's when I think that it would be easier to go all-in with my kids and be a SAHM and feel like I am doing one thing really, really well...or at least one thing would have my full attention.

I hope that going back to WOH continues to be a great experience and you stay happy, relaxed, and fulfilled - and that all the guilt disappears as it becomes your new normal.

I completely agree with you. Full time working mom with 3 kids. Juggling a demanding job, family and househould is exhausting. I think being a SAHM would be easier. I rather just focus on my kids for now. it's difficult having sick children and the constant guilt of now being there for your kids as well as not being full vested in your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses! Hoping time will make me more at ease with the setup.

It just seems too easy/good after being home and on 24/7. I don’t regret my path, but I do regret how I often felt “less than” as a SAHM. Now I see that I certainly wasn’t taking the easy way out, which is how I felt as SAHM.

-the OP

yeah bc marty’g yourself and not trusting other adults that want to make childcare a profession (that they get breaks from and leave at the end of the day) and have the nature, skills and training for, and desire to be respected for, is sometimes you have failed to value for years. Also not trusting kids will enjoy having an independent life and going out into the world. Of course going about childcare/mothering with that set of values will exhaust you. DH and I both took paternity and agree it makes one crazy and home bound. it’s also just not respected by men (generally) or in our economic system (which is sad but true and maybe our economic system shouldn’t reward moms who fail to recognize the economic value of specialization - both of childcare providers, (who deserve better pay admittedly to support higher standards of care for everyone and not just the rich) and themselves. I find it bizarre that SAHMs and their spouses care about their daughters academic achievements - do daughters need credentials to grow up and be SAHMs like their moms?

I dunno what to tell you about your guilt - it’s your value system. I have observed that most people flip their values at Kingergarden and respect teachers and their kids independence - that’s probably you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses! Hoping time will make me more at ease with the setup.

It just seems too easy/good after being home and on 24/7. I don’t regret my path, but I do regret how I often felt “less than” as a SAHM. Now I see that I certainly wasn’t taking the easy way out, which is how I felt as SAHM.

-the OP

yeah bc marty’g yourself and not trusting other adults that want to make childcare a profession (that they get breaks from and leave at the end of the day) and have the nature, skills and training for, and desire to be respected for, is sometimes you have failed to value for years. Also not trusting kids will enjoy having an independent life and going out into the world. Of course going about childcare/mothering with that set of values will exhaust you. DH and I both took paternity and agree it makes one crazy and home bound. it’s also just not respected by men (generally) or in our economic system (which is sad but true and maybe our economic system shouldn’t reward moms who fail to recognize the economic value of specialization - both of childcare providers, (who deserve better pay admittedly to support higher standards of care for everyone and not just the rich) and themselves. I find it bizarre that SAHMs and their spouses care about their daughters academic achievements - do daughters need credentials to grow up and be SAHMs like their moms?

I dunno what to tell you about your guilt - it’s your value system. I have observed that most people flip their values at Kingergarden and respect teachers and their kids independence - that’s probably you too.

What is all this bs? Plenty of men respect stay at home moms. Everyone has a right to education. Education is not solely for a career. You must suffer from generalized anxiety disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, clearly it depends on what type of FT job we’re talking. If you’ve got a chill 40 hour a week clock in clock out then sure..chasing around 3 kids sounds completely physically and mentally exhausting ..but the real struggle is when you and your DH both have demanding jobs where you both often have to take after business hours calls and work on weekends. That juggle is not easy, and during cold/flu season and random APS closing/delays, life becomes a shitshow.

+1

It is not easy being a WOHM either. Here is the perfect scenario for both SAHMs and WOHMs -

Working at a fulfilling and fun job with zero commute, super flexible, with a boss and coworkers who are helpful, pays well, and you have a team of care providers and you can do everything with your kids that you want. You can take off if your kids are sick and you can take your kids with you where-ever you go.

The only person who has this setup is Kylie Jenner.

Another SAHM who can only think in extremes. Is this what happens when you’re stuck at home with kids and not intellectually stimulated?

I work 40 hours in a relatively high paying, flexible job. I have plenty of sick leave for my kid and a wonderful provider. I also like my coworkers. Many women feel similarly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:... and wow, can I just say this is so much easier than life at home with 3 kids under 5? Time to actually accomplish something without kid interruptions, time to have coffee and chat it’s other adults... it’s mindblowing after years at home with little ones. I’m in a good place with my FT job, it’s decently challenging and interesting but no crazy hours.

Kids are all in care that I’m comfortable with and they seem happy.

My problem... the guilt! Anyone else feel this way? Like I should be home with them instead of working at a job that admittedly doesn’t bring in much $ after care for kid is paid. I feel guilty for “dumping “ them in care full time. But I am happier and more relaxed and fulfilled. But feeling guilty. Thoughts? Commiseration? Does the guilt subsid?

I have 3 kids under 5, have always WOH FT, and I think all the time about how being a SAHM would be less stressful. Right now it feels like I am on the go non-stop, and someone always wants something from me - going from meeting to meeting or deliverable to deliverable at work, and then on-call with the kids at home, and cramming in a few more work emails at night. There are definitely days where it feels like I am short-changing both my kids and my career - so guilt on both fronts. That's when I think that it would be easier to go all-in with my kids and be a SAHM and feel like I am doing one thing really, really well...or at least one thing would have my full attention.

I hope that going back to WOH continues to be a great experience and you stay happy, relaxed, and fulfilled - and that all the guilt disappears as it becomes your new normal.

I completely agree with you. Full time working mom with 3 kids. Juggling a demanding job, family and househould is exhausting. I think being a SAHM would be easier. I rather just focus on my kids for now. it's difficult having sick children and the constant guilt of now being there for your kids as well as not being full vested in your job.

Your problem isn’t your job. It’s that you had THREE kids!

[Anonymous]

WOHM with 3 kids, curious how you have it setup that life is easier than SAH?

I SAH for year with each kid, that was such a dream, though we accepted simple dinners and a messy house when they were infants (and infants don’t make messes like toddlers)

But you had time at home when kids could be sleeping or put into playpen/high chair and get stuff at home done.

When you are at work, there is no time to get stuff done. I guess if your job is super chill, you can hang out with coffee and read Facebook — but stuff at home still awaits?

So how do drop off and pickup kids, commmute, work 8.5 hours, then get home and make dinner, laundry, clean etc? Are your kids in daycare like 7-6?

Or maybe you have a nanny who cooks and cleans? If that is the case, yeah, WAY EASIER.

Please let us know; we split drop off and pickup, and DH cooks and cleans most nights, but we are always behind on stuff at home. And our jobs are demanding in that they are non-stop and sometimes have off-hours demands, but aren’t long hours and are just 30 minute commutes.

Would love to hear how to make easier than the time I was home!

[Anonymous]

Don’t feel guilty, mama. You might not be bringing in much extra now, but you have to consider the advantages of having extra years of retirement contributions, SS credits, and simply being in the workforce gaining seniority and raises. It’s not easy to get back in the game after decades out. You have given yourself and your children a financial insurance policy against your DH getting laid off and becoming unemployable, dying suddenly, or leaving you for his asssitant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... and wow, can I just say this is so much easier than life at home with 3 kids under 5? Time to actually accomplish something without kid interruptions, time to have coffee and chat it’s other adults... it’s mindblowing after years at home with little ones. I’m in a good place with my FT job, it’s decently challenging and interesting but no crazy hours.

Kids are all in care that I’m comfortable with and they seem happy.

My problem... the guilt! Anyone else feel this way? Like I should be home with them instead of working at a job that admittedly doesn’t bring in much $ after care for kid is paid. I feel guilty for “dumping “ them in care full time. But I am happier and more relaxed and fulfilled. But feeling guilty. Thoughts? Commiseration? Does the guilt subsid?

(hugs) There is no easy choice.

We did not decide if I was going to go back to work or stay at home until after DS was born. We put him in child care at 3 months, I went back to work, and never looked back. I would have been fine if I stayed at home but I have never regretted my decision, for all the reasons you mention in your first paragraph.

I will say that it got even easier when he started school and so he was suppose to be some place for 8 hours a day and we saved the day care money. I wouldn't say I felt guilty for working but I did feel some pressure to get him from day care as soon as possible so I could spend more time with him. Then he got old enough to tell me he didn't want to leave day care, the toys and centers and his friends and story time, and I started going to the gym before picking him up.

Here are the pros to your working, the money you are bringing in. You don't see as much of it now, because you are paying for child care for three. But you are back at work, meaning you will be getting, hopefully, cost of living increases and maybe pay raises. The extra years of that will lead to more overall earnings throughout your career, gaining your hundreds of thousands of dollars (potentially, it depends on the job).

Once your kids start school you can take some of that saved day care money and put it into college funds (we set aside 50% of the day care savings into DS college funds) and the rest into retirement funds or vacation funds or rainy day funds. You will be actively helping to maintain your families financial stability.

You are challenging yourself mentally each day at work. The adult conversation and the work provide a different type of stimulation then you get at home with 3 kids. It might not be better, but it is different and I know I appreciated it.

There are pros and cons to any decision. You said your kids seem to be happy at day care. If you have selected one you are comfortable with and they are getting good attention and socialization then they are fine. They know you love them and they will be ready for school because they will be used to a school like routine.

But, if you are questioning your choice and you think you would be better off at home, that is fine. If it is something that your family can afford and you feel it is better for you, the stay at home. Stay at home moms work their butts off. It is not an easy jobs.

But if you do stay at home, please don't tell me I don't love my kid because I want/need to work. We all need to respect each others decisions and support each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WOHM with 3 kids, curious how you have it setup that life is easier than SAH?

I SAH for year with each kid, that was such a dream, though we accepted simple dinners and a messy house when they were infants (and infants don’t make messes like toddlers)

But you had time at home when kids could be sleeping or put into playpen/high chair and get stuff at home done.

When you are at work, there is no time to get stuff done. I guess if your job is super chill, you can hang out with coffee and read Facebook — but stuff at home still awaits?

So how do drop off and pickup kids, commmute, work 8.5 hours, then get home and make dinner, laundry, clean etc? Are your kids in daycare like 7-6?

Or maybe you have a nanny who cooks and cleans? If that is the case, yeah, WAY EASIER.

Please let us know; we split drop off and pickup, and DH cooks and cleans most nights, but we are always behind on stuff at home. And our jobs are demanding in that they are non-stop and sometimes have off-hours demands, but aren’t long hours and are just 30 minute commutes.

Would love to hear how to make easier than the time I was home!

It depends on the job, I guess. I work 40 hours a week, my job won't let me work over that. I have a flexible schedule that allows me to work from 6:30-2:30 so I am home in time to pick my son up from school. My husband is able to go in a bit later, it actually works well for his customer, and stays home in the morning to get DS to school. Our house isn't perfect, there are stacks of things in a few places but it is not so bad. Laundry takes an extra day or two to get folded but we don't stress about it. Some nights we have a more elaborate dinner (roast chicken) some nights we do fish sticks. We rarely have a family dinner during the week.

I wouldn't say my job is super chill but it is not highly stressful.

Different people have different experiences. We don't have a nanny or after school child care. Our house is clean but not immaculate. We have some nice meals and we eat out on occasion.

Why the heck are people so judgemental?