Does reunification therapy work?

[Anonymous]

My ex-husband did this to me. I kept trying and never gave up. As soon as my three boys were old enough, they chose to come and live with me, which totally shocked him (he had more money, and money talks, which is why he got custody). It backfired on him, and it took years for him to repair the damaged relationship between himself and our sons. They're now adults, living their own lives, and they do text and call him occasionally, but they talk to me every day. I did not say anything negative about him, no matter what he said about me. I just made sure that I was always available, and I made sure that they knew that I loved them more than anything. Keep your chin up, and remember that kids are smart, and that karma is a bitch.

[Anonymous]

OP, who did you use as your parental alienation specialist in your custody proceeding? I could use a good recommendation. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does reunification therapy work?
Does anyone have experience with this?
What was your outcome?

My ex has kept the kids from me and we have been in court over it for about half a year. The psychologist, parenting facilitator, lawyers have decided that my ex has alienated the kids from me. It only took fifteen thousand dollars for the experts to figure that out. Now they are recommending reunification therapy which is not covered by medical insurance. I've spoken with 7 or 8 therapists that do this sort of thing and I've had had 2 of them tell me flat out that it doesn't work. Many others had various excuses for not wanting to take the case.

The problem is that its not just the past 6 months of damage. Their mom has been influencing them for the past 7 years following the divorce. It has been an ongoing struggle.

I'm wondering if it just might be better for the kids to not try and force them to every come back to my house and rather negotiate some sort of arrangement where I at least get to speak with them on the phone and maybe do dinner in public once a month. I'm actually nervous about being alone with the kids because I don't know what they might accuse me of (or rather what their mom might say).

The hope is I could keep communication open and maybe when they grow up they will have a change of heart.

Thoughts?

Absolutely do not give up time. One of the only remedies for parental alienation is time with your kids Away from other parent. I’d go to counseling of some kind, doesn’t have to be reunification therapy but certainly someone who specializes in or is familiar with the area. Be patient, time will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does reunification therapy work?
Does anyone have experience with this?
What was your outcome?

My ex has kept the kids from me and we have been in court over it for about half a year. The psychologist, parenting facilitator, lawyers have decided that my ex has alienated the kids from me. It only took fifteen thousand dollars for the experts to figure that out. Now they are recommending reunification therapy which is not covered by medical insurance. I've spoken with 7 or 8 therapists that do this sort of thing and I've had had 2 of them tell me flat out that it doesn't work. Many others had various excuses for not wanting to take the case.

The problem is that its not just the past 6 months of damage. Their mom has been influencing them for the past 7 years following the divorce. It has been an ongoing struggle.

I'm wondering if it just might be better for the kids to not try and force them to every come back to my house and rather negotiate some sort of arrangement where I at least get to speak with them on the phone and maybe do dinner in public once a month. I'm actually nervous about being alone with the kids because I don't know what they might accuse me of (or rather what their mom might say).

The hope is I could keep communication open and maybe when they grow up they will have a change of heart.

Thoughts?

Who were the two therapists who told you it would not work?

[Anonymous]

Reunification therapy is complete bunk/junk science and harmful to children, not to mention it fleeces the parents. It has now been banned in a number of states. This is very easy to google. A lot has come to light about this issue since 2018 when this thread was started.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been through this. It made the kids absolutely hate the parent who forced them into it. It was horrible for every one of us. Eventually, the forcing parent did not show and was held in contempt of court. No change to custody.
I’d negotiate. It won’t make the kids hate you and they will be more willing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reunification therapy is complete bunk/junk science and harmful to children, not to mention it fleeces the parents. It has now been banned in a number of states. This is very easy to google. A lot has come to light about this issue since 2018 when this thread was started.

This this this. Seriously. Please put your kids first and don’t make them go through this. You will lose them forever.

[Anonymous]

How are the courts agreeing with the no contact arrangement? There must be some reason your ex and the courts want to keep you at a distance.

[Anonymous]

I definitely think you should maintain a schedule of face to face meetings at a minimum. And during those, be as friendly, interested, and non-confrontational as you can. Ask if there are ways you can contribute to their hobbies, goals, etc.

If you can take the kids somewhere that you can walk and talk, like mini-golf, that might help. More than dining out.

Do you have a living arrangement that your kids won't like? Be honest with yourself. I have a friend whose XH married his AP. The XH lives with AP's kids plus affair baby whose existence contributed to the breakup of the original marriage. So my friend's kid (an only) hates being there during 50% custody time. Some situations can't be fixed. Better not to rub a kid's face in misery in order to force them to "get over it", "grow up", "accept the things you cannot change", etc.

[Anonymous]

My estranged (but not yet divorced) husband regularly accuses me of brainwashing the kids to reject him.

The reality is that he pushed us all to reject him, by being his natural self, prone to tantrums and violent verbal attacks, and often resorting to emotional blackmail and psychological and financial abuse to get his way.

But he will never understand this. Or if he does, he will never admit it to anyone.

I can see him trying to persuade a court that alienation has occurred.

So while I want to believe you, OP, it's a red flag for me that some therapists recommended against reunification. It seem to me that if love for their children has been expressed by both parents in a healthy way, then the kids will recognize that at some point, and will come back to their estranged parent. It took A LOT for my children to dislike their father. A lot of abuse. I didn't manufacture or twist anything, they lived it themselves.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been through this. It made the kids absolutely hate the parent who forced them into it. It was horrible for every one of us. Eventually, the forcing parent did not show and was held in contempt of court. No change to custody.
I’d negotiate. It won’t make the kids hate you and they will be more willing.

It is helpful with parental alienation where the other parent is a good parent and the one parent refuses contact out of spite. But it takes a good therapist and few are that good. Most are bias. Kids will side with the parent they live with. So, when you turn against dad, of course they want to please you and will hate him too. He gave up as no matter what he did you already turned the kids against him and there was nothing he could do to fix the hate you created between him and the kids. Not something you should be proud of.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who did it with his kids and it actually worked out. Took time but he now has a good relationship with his kids. Ex did her best to alienate the kids from dad but now things are pretty good. He had several incredibly rough years but the court ordered reunification therapy was helpful

[Anonymous]

There was recently a Wall Street Journal article about this and how incredibly damaging and harmful it is. Google it. Shocking. I can't believe anyone would do this.

[Anonymous]

I'm a parent of a teen who no longer wants to see non-custodial parent, the non-custodial parent seems fine with this. Is there anything I can do to make them attend reunification therapy so they can have a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a parent of a teen who no longer wants to see non-custodial parent, the non-custodial parent seems fine with this. Is there anything I can do to make them attend reunification therapy so they can have a relationship?

If you don't want the NCP to be involved, of course, the child is going to go along with it and the dad is going to give up. So, now, no its too late to go back and fix it.