I can't stand my 10 year old. Love her but hate being her Mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, was your daughter exposed to drugs in utero? I have a friend whose adopted daughter suddenly started having violent outbursts about age ten. They have been told that this isn't uncommon in kids that had drug exposure in the womb, and it seems to be triggered by the beginning of puberty. If that is the case, there are psychiatrists who specialize in these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds as if you have no bond with your daughter and she is aware of this and thus constantly afraid of abandonement. Is there any chance another family member, such as a grandparents, has bonded and is interested in taking her?

This. I am the mom to a 9 year old overseas adopted child (brought home at 9 months). The first months were intense in that DD did not want to be separated from me AT ALL. These months are so important to establish a bond...you just have to drop everything and just hold your child. I had to get one of those ergo baby carriers and just carry her all the time...while cleaning, cooking, etc. She loved being close to me and if I put her down, she would start to cry right away. OP, did you encounter this, and how did you handle this?

This was completely different from what I experienced from my first biological DD, who I could easily just set down while I went about my work at the age of 4 months.

Even today, I still sense a tiny bit of insecurity from her, but she is by and large a very happy, outgoing, loving, empathetic, and bright child. I couldn't imagine how she would be if I just let her sit in her Exersaucer while I went on about my work...she would probably be having these types of problems too.

OP, I would strongly suggest you find a therapist that is experienced with adopted kids. There is an organization called CASE that can hook you up with someone http://adoptionsupport.org/counseling-services/. They have an extensive list of therapists especially trained in issues surrounding adoption. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds as if you have no bond with your daughter and she is aware of this and thus constantly afraid of abandonement. Is there any chance another family member, such as a grandparents, has bonded and is interested in taking her?

This. I am the mom to a 9 year old overseas adopted child (brought home at 9 months). The first months were intense in that DD did not want to be separated from me AT ALL. These months are so important to establish a bond...you just have to drop everything and just hold your child. I had to get one of those ergo baby carriers and just carry her all the time...while cleaning, cooking, etc. She loved being close to me and if I put her down, she would start to cry right away. OP, did you encounter this, and how did you handle this?

This was completely different from what I experienced from my first biological DD, who I could easily just set down while I went about my work at the age of 4 months.

Even today, I still sense a tiny bit of insecurity from her, but she is by and large a very happy, outgoing, loving, empathetic, and bright child. I couldn't imagine how she would be if I just let her sit in her Exersaucer while I went on about my work...she would probably be having these types of problems too.

OP, I would strongly suggest you find a therapist that is experienced with adopted kids. There is an organization called CASE that can hook you up with someone http://adoptionsupport.org/counseling-services/. They have an extensive list of therapists especially trained in issues surrounding adoption. Good luck.

PP here again. I meant to say I do not agree with everything that the original PP said and frankly was shocked that it was suggested that you abandon your child to another family member. I only agreed with them about the fear of abandonment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a mom of a high anxiety teen, and it is tough. Is your DD aggressive/or difficult in school or with people other than your and her brother? The worst thing you can do is to punish a child with severe anxiety, it causes more damage than anything else. They really can't help it, they either withdraw or explode at those they feel safe with. I recommend you learn as much as you can about anxiety as it is hard to understand for people who don't have it. For example, what you think is an everyday situation might seem like a war zone to her. Watch her when you enter a supermarket or school, there might be observing of everything and perceiving every person as a threat, like a soldier in a war zone. Or any smallest criticism is like a hit with a sledge hammer and reaction is out of proportion. My DS can't tell anybody that he has social anxiety, literary can't. On top of it, kids with anxieties are very observant or other's emotions and worried about hurting others(apart from those closest to them, my DS is a nightmare to his sister, and he knows it, he says he wants to stop but doesn't know how.) I had to work with him so much on this, and he knew that it is not acceptable, that was the only situation where the line is drawn, because we can't be hostages in our home because of his anxiety. He is not violent, apart from a couple of outburst where I stopped it and told him to go out. It is like a tidal wave when they feel threatened and then remorse over it as kids with anxiety will punish themselves more over their outburst than we ever can. I recommend you ask for Buspar and another SSRI to see what works. Prozac was not a good option for my DS, Lexapro was better but he was so happy that he wouldn't do any school work or giddy with happiness, maybe it will work for your DD? All in all, people don't understand severe anxiety, it is hard on the patient and possibly just as hard on the people nearest to them. At 18 my DS finally is starting to feel more comfortable, it takes years and years or reassuring them that you are always there for them, that nothing is too small or embarrassing to reach to you about, telling them that no matter what they do you will always be there and they can live in your house forever, because they worry about 20 years from now, no joke. I don't know if this is helpful with your DD, but these are the things that we are going through and I hope that it might help you at least a little bit. Sending you hugs and maybe it is a comfort that you are not alone, and that some people do understand what you re going through.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm the mother of a 10 yo boy with ADHD and anxiety. Can you share more about how you supported your son during his teen years and how you kept your sanity doing it? I'm just so exhausted from the demands of my son due to his anxiety. Sleeping, taking a shower, going to events, and other "normal" activities require constantly reassurance and energy. How have you navigated this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a mom of a high anxiety teen, and it is tough. Is your DD aggressive/or difficult in school or with people other than your and her brother? The worst thing you can do is to punish a child with severe anxiety, it causes more damage than anything else. They really can't help it, they either withdraw or explode at those they feel safe with. I recommend you learn as much as you can about anxiety as it is hard to understand for people who don't have it. For example, what you think is an everyday situation might seem like a war zone to her. Watch her when you enter a supermarket or school, there might be observing of everything and perceiving every person as a threat, like a soldier in a war zone. Or any smallest criticism is like a hit with a sledge hammer and reaction is out of proportion. My DS can't tell anybody that he has social anxiety, literary can't. On top of it, kids with anxieties are very observant or other's emotions and worried about hurting others(apart from those closest to them, my DS is a nightmare to his sister, and he knows it, he says he wants to stop but doesn't know how.) I had to work with him so much on this, and he knew that it is not acceptable, that was the only situation where the line is drawn, because we can't be hostages in our home because of his anxiety. He is not violent, apart from a couple of outburst where I stopped it and told him to go out. It is like a tidal wave when they feel threatened and then remorse over it as kids with anxiety will punish themselves more over their outburst than we ever can. I recommend you ask for Buspar and another SSRI to see what works. Prozac was not a good option for my DS, Lexapro was better but he was so happy that he wouldn't do any school work or giddy with happiness, maybe it will work for your DD? All in all, people don't understand severe anxiety, it is hard on the patient and possibly just as hard on the people nearest to them. At 18 my DS finally is starting to feel more comfortable, it takes years and years or reassuring them that you are always there for them, that nothing is too small or embarrassing to reach to you about, telling them that no matter what they do you will always be there and they can live in your house forever, because they worry about 20 years from now, no joke. I don't know if this is helpful with your DD, but these are the things that we are going through and I hope that it might help you at least a little bit. Sending you hugs and maybe it is a comfort that you are not alone, and that some people do understand what you re going through.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm the mother of a 10 yo boy with ADHD and anxiety. Can you share more about how you supported your son during his teen years and how you kept your sanity doing it? I'm just so exhausted from the demands of my son due to his anxiety. Sleeping, taking a shower, going to events, and other "normal" activities require constantly reassurance and energy. How have you navigated this?

You might try posting in the Special Needs forum as many of us there are going through this. It's so hard to have a highly anxious child and it impacts the entire family dynamic! I often think of it as a "hidden disease" because outside our house others may not know that our DS has such struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a mom of a high anxiety teen, and it is tough. Is your DD aggressive/or difficult in school or with people other than your and her brother? The worst thing you can do is to punish a child with severe anxiety, it causes more damage than anything else. They really can't help it, they either withdraw or explode at those they feel safe with. I recommend you learn as much as you can about anxiety as it is hard to understand for people who don't have it. For example, what you think is an everyday situation might seem like a war zone to her. Watch her when you enter a supermarket or school, there might be observing of everything and perceiving every person as a threat, like a soldier in a war zone. Or any smallest criticism is like a hit with a sledge hammer and reaction is out of proportion. My DS can't tell anybody that he has social anxiety, literary can't. On top of it, kids with anxieties are very observant or other's emotions and worried about hurting others(apart from those closest to them, my DS is a nightmare to his sister, and he knows it, he says he wants to stop but doesn't know how.) I had to work with him so much on this, and he knew that it is not acceptable, that was the only situation where the line is drawn, because we can't be hostages in our home because of his anxiety. He is not violent, apart from a couple of outburst where I stopped it and told him to go out. It is like a tidal wave when they feel threatened and then remorse over it as kids with anxiety will punish themselves more over their outburst than we ever can. I recommend you ask for Buspar and another SSRI to see what works. Prozac was not a good option for my DS, Lexapro was better but he was so happy that he wouldn't do any school work or giddy with happiness, maybe it will work for your DD? All in all, people don't understand severe anxiety, it is hard on the patient and possibly just as hard on the people nearest to them. At 18 my DS finally is starting to feel more comfortable, it takes years and years or reassuring them that you are always there for them, that nothing is too small or embarrassing to reach to you about, telling them that no matter what they do you will always be there and they can live in your house forever, because they worry about 20 years from now, no joke. I don't know if this is helpful with your DD, but these are the things that we are going through and I hope that it might help you at least a little bit. Sending you hugs and maybe it is a comfort that you are not alone, and that some people do understand what you re going through.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm the mother of a 10 yo boy with ADHD and anxiety. Can you share more about how you supported your son during his teen years and how you kept your sanity doing it? I'm just so exhausted from the demands of my son due to his anxiety. Sleeping, taking a shower, going to events, and other "normal" activities require constantly reassurance and energy. How have you navigated this?

I am glad if my long post is found useful, sometimes I write it for my own sake more than anything. My DS is, for the most part nicest teen(now almost adult), so polite, and model student, that even his teachers didn't believe me he has severe anxiety. But, at home, there were many, many episodes of anger, frustration, it took a long while for me to learn to be calm, to tell him that I know he is only saying these things because he can't tell anybody else when they upset him, at school, sports. I don't know how I navigated, I learned early on that only positive reinforcement works, I keep calm as much as I can. I am not perfect, I will apologize if I overreact to something. But, I will not allow him to take his anger on his younger sibling. I wish I could have more useful advice, but I just take it day to day, even now. One day in the car, he was telling me how he doesn't want anybody to know about it, because he is not a freak, and I just reassured him that everybody has their own struggles, some similar some much different, and he once told me recently, that he has to make himself look people in the eye, and it is hard for him... You can imagine how that feels for a parent. But, I digress, maybe the best thing I ever did was to let go of trying to fully fix him, to accept that he will do badly on SAT because of the crowd, that he didn't want special accommodations because it was embarrassing to him. What I did at an early age, was to push him to do things, little pushes, little at the time. I insisted that he orders food in a restaurant, even that was hard, that he goes on his own to places, that he invites other kids even when it is hard. I would send him to the grocery store to buy a couple of things on his own, later on when he started to drive, which he loves, I sent him to sport's competitions alone, I booked him a bed and breakfast since hotels wouldn't allow it. I sent him to our place in a different state on his own. I wish you best of luck and sending you hugs. And to add to pp suggesting to post this on Special Needs, I am there often, but don't want to generalize too much, and yes, it is like a hidden disease. Even my FIL, his grandpa, who knows he has anxieties, tells me how my DS is messed up, this in reference to him being mean to his sister and not having a girlfriend and how all he needs to get normal is ...you know what... people do not understand at all, and people can be real jerks about it, in our case, even the closest family. Anyway, sorry about the long post again.

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptive mom as well. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Agree to get help - she may need meds, and therapy for her and for you could really help with this very challenging time.

I don't know her circumstances, and how much medical information you have. It's tough as a parent not to know what you're potentially dealing with - but also there is a huge variation of outcomes even with serious risks like with drug and alcohol exposed infants. But a good friend pointed out, even with your own biological child you can have surprises. You need a great pediatrician to start with, and work from there to find a psychiatrist and psychologist or social worker.

One thing I've realized over time is that sometimes difficulties things are related to adoption, but often they are not. Sometimes it's just your kid and their own path in life, which has ups and downs. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am glad if my long post is found useful, sometimes I write it for my own sake more than anything. My DS is, for the most part nicest teen(now almost adult), so polite, and model student, that even his teachers didn't believe me he has severe anxiety. But, at home, there were many, many episodes of anger, frustration, it took a long while for me to learn to be calm, to tell him that I know he is only saying these things because he can't tell anybody else when they upset him, at school, sports. I don't know how I navigated, I learned early on that only positive reinforcement works, I keep calm as much as I can. I am not perfect, I will apologize if I overreact to something. But, I will not allow him to take his anger on his younger sibling. I wish I could have more useful advice, but I just take it day to day, even now. One day in the car, he was telling me how he doesn't want anybody to know about it, because he is not a freak, and I just reassured him that everybody has their own struggles, some similar some much different, and he once told me recently, that he has to make himself look people in the eye, and it is hard for him... You can imagine how that feels for a parent. But, I digress, maybe the best thing I ever did was to let go of trying to fully fix him, to accept that he will do badly on SAT because of the crowd, that he didn't want special accommodations because it was embarrassing to him. What I did at an early age, was to push him to do things, little pushes, little at the time. I insisted that he orders food in a restaurant, even that was hard, that he goes on his own to places, that he invites other kids even when it is hard. I would send him to the grocery store to buy a couple of things on his own, later on when he started to drive, which he loves, I sent him to sport's competitions alone, I booked him a bed and breakfast since hotels wouldn't allow it. I sent him to our place in a different state on his own. I wish you best of luck and sending you hugs. And to add to pp suggesting to post this on Special Needs, I am there often, but don't want to generalize too much, and yes, it is like a hidden disease. Even my FIL, his grandpa, who knows he has anxieties, tells me how my DS is messed up, this in reference to him being mean to his sister and not having a girlfriend and how all he needs to get normal is ...you know what... people do not understand at all, and people can be real jerks about it, in our case, even the closest family. Anyway, sorry about the long post again.

PP here who asked for more details. Thanks for sharing this. I also try to push my son (gently) to do things that are scarier for him. Normally the "bigger" things like going to camp for 10 days in the summer are okay. The issue are the "little" things that I feel should be easier, like getting in the shower when no one is upstairs, seem impossible and devolve into a screaming/crying match. I know I need to be more patient and understanding, but there are times it's exhausting. Thanks again for sharing, and I'm glad to hear that your son has come so far.

[Anonymous]

20:22- You sound like an absolutely amazing mom. Thank you so much for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20:22- You sound like an absolutely amazing mom. Thank you so much for sharing.

Thank you for taking the time to say that! I appreciate it so much.