Together for the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

I could tell that my parents were unhappy. They were unhappy divorced too. I don't know why people think that's the only thing that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feels like an albatross. There is no happy solution. I cannot believe that I have to swallow 10 more years.

Just a vent and a depressing reality check.

If you are not married, DON'T DO IT if you have any reservations at all

If your husband feels the same as you, sit down and say "is this the way you want to live for the next ten years?" Maintaining the status quo sounds miserable and either you both agree to make changes to make it livable or you figure out the best way to separate. Even with kids, divorce can be a smart thing to do if you are both unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to. You are choosing to, and you will feel better if you acvept that you do have agency here and own your choices.

You are right, but what my kids lose is too great. We dont fight. I no longer have the passion to fight, Im apathetic. So as far as they are concerned, we are a happy family.

So sure i can make the choice, but i also don't want to share holidays or weekends. My ideal scenario would be living together, but divorced.

I'm not saying you should get divorced. The decision to stay together may be the right one. But you will feel better if you mentally regard it as a choice (even if it is a choice between two bad choices) and think about what other choices you can make to improve your situation.

I kind of agree with this. It is mentally a choice to stay together rather than to split up and not have your kids each day, possibly put them through some ugliness, possibly have another parent come into their lives, etc. But, for those who've made this choice, are you happy with it in the end?

I was. It was not worth it to disrupt the kids, and I just could not bear to live without them half the time. We were able to get along for eight years, until they were all in college. Saved everyone a ton of money and hassle. I was then able to shop for a condo without worrying about schools and the day to day needs of the kids. I don't regret it at all-- it wasn't easy, but neither is divorce. Divorce cheerleaders will say we were living a lie or setting a bad example, but I think we showed the kids how to put family first, get along, and be practical.

I love this. It is exactly what I needed to hear today. I can get along ok with DH, just not in love at all. On a business trip now and just got off the phone with him - its all calm, polite, chatted about what is going on at home, but there is no feeling left. Somebody recently described it to me as just "getting to launch."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to. You are choosing to, and you will feel better if you acvept that you do have agency here and own your choices.

You are right, but what my kids lose is too great. We dont fight. I no longer have the passion to fight, Im apathetic. So as far as they are concerned, we are a happy family.

So sure i can make the choice, but i also don't want to share holidays or weekends. My ideal scenario would be living together, but divorced.

I'm not saying you should get divorced. The decision to stay together may be the right one. But you will feel better if you mentally regard it as a choice (even if it is a choice between two bad choices) and think about what other choices you can make to improve your situation.

I kind of agree with this. It is mentally a choice to stay together rather than to split up and not have your kids each day, possibly put them through some ugliness, possibly have another parent come into their lives, etc. But, for those who've made this choice, are you happy with it in the end?

I was. It was not worth it to disrupt the kids, and I just could not bear to live without them half the time. We were able to get along for eight years, until they were all in college. Saved everyone a ton of money and hassle. I was then able to shop for a condo without worrying about schools and the day to day needs of the kids. I don't regret it at all-- it wasn't easy, but neither is divorce. Divorce cheerleaders will say we were living a lie or setting a bad example, but I think we showed the kids how to put family first, get along, and be practical.

I love this. It is exactly what I needed to hear today. I can get along ok with DH, just not in love at all. On a business trip now and just got off the phone with him - its all calm, polite, chatted about what is going on at home, but there is no feeling left. Somebody recently described it to me as just "getting to launch."

Hang in there, PP! It is soooo much easier to divorce (or rebuild) when the kids aren't around. Way less drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to. You are choosing to, and you will feel better if you acvept that you do have agency here and own your choices.

You are right, but what my kids lose is too great. We dont fight. I no longer have the passion to fight, Im apathetic. So as far as they are concerned, we are a happy family.

So sure i can make the choice, but i also don't want to share holidays or weekends. My ideal scenario would be living together, but divorced.

I'm not saying you should get divorced. The decision to stay together may be the right one. But you will feel better if you mentally regard it as a choice (even if it is a choice between two bad choices) and think about what other choices you can make to improve your situation.

I kind of agree with this. It is mentally a choice to stay together rather than to split up and not have your kids each day, possibly put them through some ugliness, possibly have another parent come into their lives, etc. But, for those who've made this choice, are you happy with it in the end?

I was. It was not worth it to disrupt the kids, and I just could not bear to live without them half the time. We were able to get along for eight years, until they were all in college. Saved everyone a ton of money and hassle. I was then able to shop for a condo without worrying about schools and the day to day needs of the kids. I don't regret it at all-- it wasn't easy, but neither is divorce. Divorce cheerleaders will say we were living a lie or setting a bad example, but I think we showed the kids how to put family first, get along, and be practical.

I love this. It is exactly what I needed to hear today. I can get along ok with DH, just not in love at all. On a business trip now and just got off the phone with him - its all calm, polite, chatted about what is going on at home, but there is no feeling left. Somebody recently described it to me as just "getting to launch."

Hang in there, PP! It is soooo much easier to divorce (or rebuild) when the kids aren't around. Way less drama.

Thanks! Yes, I hope so. We both have very good careers so money won't be an issue. I feel like once the kids are bigger I can just go if I want. But, for right now, I like the idea of being with them everyday and giving them a solid homelife, even if it is not optimal for me personally (in the romance dep't anyway).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

ExDH and I did NOT stay together "for the kids." We divorced and became MUCH happier (and liked each other more). One of the things I considered was that we were teaching the kids by example what a successful marriage should look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to. You are choosing to, and you will feel better if you acvept that you do have agency here and own your choices.

You are right, but what my kids lose is too great. We dont fight. I no longer have the passion to fight, Im apathetic. So as far as they are concerned, we are a happy family.

So sure i can make the choice, but i also don't want to share holidays or weekends. My ideal scenario would be living together, but divorced.

I'm not saying you should get divorced. The decision to stay together may be the right one. But you will feel better if you mentally regard it as a choice (even if it is a choice between two bad choices) and think about what other choices you can make to improve your situation.

I kind of agree with this. It is mentally a choice to stay together rather than to split up and not have your kids each day, possibly put them through some ugliness, possibly have another parent come into their lives, etc. But, for those who've made this choice, are you happy with it in the end?

I was. It was not worth it to disrupt the kids, and I just could not bear to live without them half the time. We were able to get along for eight years, until they were all in college. Saved everyone a ton of money and hassle. I was then able to shop for a condo without worrying about schools and the day to day needs of the kids. I don't regret it at all-- it wasn't easy, but neither is divorce. Divorce cheerleaders will say we were living a lie or setting a bad example, but I think we showed the kids how to put family first, get along, and be practical.

I love this. It is exactly what I needed to hear today. I can get along ok with DH, just not in love at all. On a business trip now and just got off the phone with him - its all calm, polite, chatted about what is going on at home, but there is no feeling left. Somebody recently described it to me as just "getting to launch."

Hang in there, PP! It is soooo much easier to divorce (or rebuild) when the kids aren't around. Way less drama.

Thanks! Yes, I hope so. We both have very good careers so money won't be an issue. I feel like once the kids are bigger I can just go if I want. But, for right now, I like the idea of being with them everyday and giving them a solid homelife, even if it is not optimal for me personally (in the romance dep't anyway).

One of the reasons I chose to stay is that dating kind of sucks with kids around anyway. Too much hassle to deal with a complicated schedule and the opinions of tweens and teens. I think it was healthy to find my footing as a mentally single person before dating as well.

Divorce takes longer than you might think. You can start teeing it up, doing research, finding a lawyer, etc., so that you are efficient when the time is right.

But I will say I have seen people come back from the brink as the kids get older as well. Don't count your marriage out until you are certain. Staying married would have paid huge dividends for our whole family life and I will always be sad that it did not work. I am a child of divorce myself and know the burdens and losses it will impose on my kids. Splitting up grandchild time will wreck me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

ExDH and I did NOT stay together "for the kids." We divorced and became MUCH happier (and liked each other more). One of the things I considered was that we were teaching the kids by example what a successful marriage should look like.

This is probably easier if you are both on the same page about it. If one wants out and the other does not, or will not compromise on custody or other issues, it can be a lot harder to achieve your goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

ExDH and I did NOT stay together "for the kids." We divorced and became MUCH happier (and liked each other more). One of the things I considered was that we were teaching the kids by example what a successful marriage should look like.

My mom says that all the time, but actually her second marriage sucks and she won't admit it, because she is so defensive about her divorce. A happy remarriage is far from guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks! Yes, I hope so. We both have very good careers so money won't be an issue. I feel like once the kids are bigger I can just go if I want. But, for right now, I like the idea of being with them everyday and giving them a solid homelife, even if it is not optimal for me personally (in the romance dep't anyway).

Except that money may actually be an issue. If you wait until you are 50 to get divorced, you have less time to rebuild your finances, and you will like need more than 1/2 of the family pot.

Not saying you shouldn't stick it out, but I would start planning for a single-person's retirement now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks! Yes, I hope so. We both have very good careers so money won't be an issue. I feel like once the kids are bigger I can just go if I want. But, for right now, I like the idea of being with them everyday and giving them a solid homelife, even if it is not optimal for me personally (in the romance dep't anyway).

Except that money may actually be an issue. If you wait until you are 50 to get divorced, you have less time to rebuild your finances, and you will like need more than 1/2 of the family pot.

Not saying you shouldn't stick it out, but I would start planning for a single-person's retirement now.

Ah, that is actually a good point that I had not thought about. I do put plenty into my 401k and i have a pension from my job, but yes, perhaps this is something to discuss with a financial planner. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks! Yes, I hope so. We both have very good careers so money won't be an issue. I feel like once the kids are bigger I can just go if I want. But, for right now, I like the idea of being with them everyday and giving them a solid homelife, even if it is not optimal for me personally (in the romance dep't anyway).

Except that money may actually be an issue. If you wait until you are 50 to get divorced, you have less time to rebuild your finances, and you will like need more than 1/2 of the family pot.

Not saying you shouldn't stick it out, but I would start planning for a single-person's retirement now.

Ah, that is actually a good point that I had not thought about. I do put plenty into my 401k and i have a pension from my job, but yes, perhaps this is something to discuss with a financial planner. Thanks!

+1. Divorce is far more expensive than most people think. Every year you stay, you save a ton of money just on housing. See a pro for some real talk and think hard about what kind of retirement you want. I did, and it made me give my marriage one last try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

ExDH and I did NOT stay together "for the kids." We divorced and became MUCH happier (and liked each other more). One of the things I considered was that we were teaching the kids by example what a successful marriage should look like.

But mainly you put your own feelings and needs first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.