Should I think about divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM who is like your DH. Until 3 months ago I yelled at the kids regularly. I've been in therapy and can tell you that the decision to change has to come from inside. If he does not think it's a big deal a thousand therapists' comments will have no effect. Daughter has actually asked me, "Why are black people so angry all the time?" For me rage outbursts are a reaction to a profound sense of powerlessness and displacement. The struggle with anxiety and depression never ends. I agree with PP that if life is livable 75 percent of the time you should definitely give it another shot.

Could you please let us know what has helped you to stop yelling? Why did you yell at them and how do you make yourself stop? I am the DW PP who yells, and I would love to stop yelling.. Advice? Tips?

NP who had the same issue. For me it was revisiting childhood experiences and what my parents reactions and expectations were. Plus eliminating the stress of a bad marriage.

Looking at the situations helps. Sometimes situation A would happen and I would lose it. Sometimes situation A would happen and I could address it calmly and in control. So looking at the differences in what led up to my reaction (what was I thinking about or dealing with that day) helped isolate reasons why I might lose it.

For me, my parents favored my brother and expected me to be quiet and docile. So when my dd overly expresses herself or gets hyper it triggers something in me from how I used to feel.

Do you do it more with one child... do they have a personality trait that you have negative experiences with. Asking yourself what are your fears in the situation can help.

Also knowing what other factors escalate you quickly. Mine is definitely noise. Like if I'm under pressure, cooking dinner and the range hood fan is on and the kids start fighting = lose it. Try to eliminate triggers. Does it happen in public more = are you over concerned what people think.

Building in relaxation exercises for everyone can help too. When you do yell be aware and ask kids for a redo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need two things

1) a parenting class. Both of your styles suck. You can't be all of one and none of the other.

2) couples therapy

With those two things ... I think you'll be fine.

All she said is that her style is nice and easy. She never said she refuses to discipline the children.

Tough to say, but OP drew a distinction between nice and easy and strict and mean. To me that suggests there is a disconnect between OP and her husband on what should have consequences as well as what the consequences should be. Because if her kids are whining but she is handling it in a nice but firm way, the issue would be either he can't handle the same situation on his own or whatever she is doing isn't working. If what she was doing had the desired results, what could her DH be angry about unless something is going on unrelated to the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need two things

1) a parenting class. Both of your styles suck. You can't be all of one and none of the other.

2) couples therapy

With those two things ... I think you'll be fine.

All she said is that her style is nice and easy. She never said she refuses to discipline the children.

Tough to say, but OP drew a distinction between nice and easy and strict and mean. To me that suggests there is a disconnect between OP and her husband on what should have consequences as well as what the consequences should be. Because if her kids are whining but she is handling it in a nice but firm way, the issue would be either he can't handle the same situation on his own or whatever she is doing isn't working. If what she was doing had the desired results, what could her DH be angry about unless something is going on unrelated to the kids?

Something is going on unrelated to the kids.

It is not their fault. It is not her fault. His behavior is not OK. It is abuse.

[Anonymous]

I exploded on the kids one day and really scared them. They were traumatized. And I realized that I had to give up everything else and make 'not yelling' my priority. I often wake up at 4:00 am to exercise. The day after, for the first time in weeks, I did not. I literally decided that I would avoid all stress possible. I skipped church because doing three heads of curly hair stresses me out. I did not attend a social event with friends because getting the kids dressed usually freaks me out. I ignored dirty socks on the floor, husband's failure to turn off lights or clear his dishes, etc. I fed the kids fast food instead of the fresh veg I had bought. I repeated hundreds of times, 'I submit' because fighting unleashes the beast. My only criterion for a good day now is whether I have kept my temper.

Something that has helped me is the realization that I did it overnight behind the wheel. When I first started driving in this country I became enraged by the discourtesy on the roads. One day I lost it so completely that I created danger. Since that day I am a paragon of peace in the car. If people cut me off I smile and laugh. They cannot anger me because I understand what is at stake.

[mmmb]

Thinking about divorce is the easy way out. Confronting difficult circumstances in marriage with the goal of restoring and strengthening your commitment is the smartest thing you can do. It will help your children see that it takes commitment, forgiveness, and love to make a marriage work. Sounds easy to do; but we all know it’s probably the hardest thing to do. In your situation, I think, going through with your thoughts about getting a divorce would be the easy way out. I hope you decide to do what it takes to make it (marriage) work.

[Anonymous]

Class recommendation: http://pepparent.org/the-problem-with-anger/

The PEP program is amazing and really helped me with my preschooler. Good luck!