Feel Betrayed by Sister

[Anonymous]

Why did your family insist she pursue a field in which you she had no interest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did your family insist she pursue a field in which you she had no interest?

She had no idea what she wanted to study. It was a suggestion and she took it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you feel the way you do - you never agreed to carry this out by yourself and it's a big load for one person.

But, from your sister's perspective, should she not marry this guy? Let him take care of her if that's what they both want? Maybe she could really be happy with him - should she give that up because her parents invested in her? I know you know the answer is no, but it sounds like your family is disappointed that they won't get a return on the investment they put into her, but your sister is not the stock market. She's not an insurance plan. She's a person, she has her own life to live. I realize that sounds selfish, but it's also true. Children are not economic commodities, not any more at least.

OP here. That is extremely untrue and a disrespectful way of phrasing our relationship with our parents. Our parents gave us everything we wanted even at a great cost to themselves. They did not bring us here so we can hunt for husbands. They brought us here so we can become women of substance and learn a skill or two and contribute to the world. We were supposed to stick together and take care of each other. I feel as if I have been abandoned. Ever since she met this boyfriend of here, she is distracted, and spends all her time with him and thinking of him and texting and talking with him. She doesn't have time for me and now she is making plans without me and that doesn't include our family.

I feel...left behind and replaced by her boyfriend. I miss her terribly and can envision that once she's married she'll not really interact with us much. She had been protesting the arrangement the past few years. She didn't like finance and she'd loudly complain about how she wanted to go far away from her family and me because she couldn't be herself around us. I thought she was just being moody but now, watching her jump at the chance to run away with this man, she was dead serious.

Oh OP, grow the heck up and stop blaming everyone else because you are unhappy with your lot in life. You just want to be the perfect child. Your sister is more interested in growing up and starting her life and you should too. Just being biter and angry because you stunted your own development is a waste of time.

Yes, your parents sacrificed a lot but guess what? The vast majority of parents will sacrifice quite a bit for their kids, you just don't see it in everyday life but once you are a parent you will understand. And moreover, plenty of parents are not looking to be paid back in the way you think and they will still love their kids even if they don't pay them back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did your family insist she pursue a field in which you she had no interest?

She had no idea what she wanted to study. It was a suggestion and she took it.

And now it sounds like she is figuring out what she wants to do with her life. Good for her!

[Anonymous]

Is being a SATH mom really the American Dream?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need help getting over your sister's choices.

Soon your sister will be married and enjoying her new life by the lake. She's not going to be thinking about your life choices. Get on board or lose your sister.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you want your sister to struggle or have life be difficult. She found her path! She's a smart woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is being a SATH mom really the American Dream?

It is some people's dream. Other people have very different dreams. Most adults in this country find greatest happiness and other sorts of success (moral and otherwise) in their life by making their own decisions rather than doing what their parents laid out for them as obligations.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your sister was raised to do what she was told and not explore her true passions. Now she's following a man who will indulge in her materialistic desires.
In my observation, women who are really into clothes, make-up and other superficial things never had extracurricular activities and were encouraged to discover any hobbies.
She will never be independent if you treat her like a spoiled young child.

[Anonymous]

^^ and were never encouraged to discover any hobbies

[Anonymous]

Geez. Your sister is not an indentured slave. Grow up and make a life for yourself. Every parent wants their children to succeed and be happy in life -- it is not the responsibility of the child to improve the quality of life for the parents. Sometimes it works out that this happens, but that's not why people have kids. If that's why your parents had kids, then it was a bad choice on their part. They should have focused on getting themselves here vs. relying on their children.

I'm going to bet you are continually harping on your sister about the family goals. No wonder she doesn't want to be around you. That's a hell of a lot of responsibility to put on someone.

This whole thread sounds like the bad plot of some book.

[Anonymous]

Time for your parents to send over another sister to help you build out THEIR dream.

My question to you in all of this is - what is YOUR dream?

Have you really dreamed of nothing else for yourself besides carrying out this plan for your parents?

I completely understand wanting to make something of yourself - I applaud you for wanting to do that and encourage you to keep at it. But, do it for YOU...not for your parents. Become the strong, smart woman the plan requires, but do it because it will make your life better, stronger, more enjoyable.

Your sister is her own person. She's completely entitled to chart her own course. I'm sure much of this is more about missing her than her abandoning this family plan. If so, just tell her. Tell her that you miss spending time with her, that you love her, that you understand that she's entitled to her own life, choices and chance at happiness. If you make the conversation about the plan, you're wasting your breath. Build a relationship with your sister than can breathe within the lives that you are both creating for yourselves.

Plus, I suspect that your feelings might change or be different if you meet someone tomorrow that you have fallen in love with...

Be happy for her. Build happiness for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time for your parents to send over another sister to help you build out THEIR dream.

My question to you in all of this is - what is YOUR dream?

Have you really dreamed of nothing else for yourself besides carrying out this plan for your parents?

I completely understand wanting to make something of yourself - I applaud you for wanting to do that and encourage you to keep at it. But, do it for YOU...not for your parents. Become the strong, smart woman the plan requires, but do it because it will make your life better, stronger, more enjoyable.

Your sister is her own person. She's completely entitled to chart her own course. I'm sure much of this is more about missing her than her abandoning this family plan. If so, just tell her. Tell her that you miss spending time with her, that you love her, that you understand that she's entitled to her own life, choices and chance at happiness. If you make the conversation about the plan, you're wasting your breath. Build a relationship with your sister than can breathe within the lives that you are both creating for yourselves.

Plus, I suspect that your feelings might change or be different if you meet someone tomorrow that you have fallen in love with...

Be happy for her. Build happiness for yourself.

OP here.

I don't understand why everyone thinks this plan was thrust or forced upon her/us. Its just something we discussed as a family where we all, apparently wanted the same thing. It was like a mutual, unwritten expectation and understanding. All these years, I thought we had similar goals and she wanted the same thing! She'd always say things along the lines of, " I can't wait until we have a big family home like the Kardashians" or how, "I just want to have mommy live with me when she's older" etc.

Over the past year she has gone to say things more along the lines of, " I hate my family! No one gets me! I just want to leave somewhere and never come back! And no one will know what I'm doing!" She started not telling me where she was going or who she was with. She also started losing motivation and goals. All she talked about was how horrible corporate America is and how working is so pointless and all that matters is family and how her goal in life is to have children.

All this is good and well, its just...so sudden and so unexpected. She is welcome to do whatever she wants but you can't tell me it doesn't hurt me when she goes on rants about how she is sick of me and how she wants to disappear from our lives and how she chooses to not hang out with me and speaks ill of our parents.

[Anonymous]

Time to get over it. She changed her mind, which she's entitled to do. The plan is off - accept it.

If I were you I'd work on finding out what her problem with you is and work to fix it. If you want a relationship with her in the future, that is.

I suspect that she's rebelling - you are a surrogate for your parents here in this country and you're inflicting the "plan" on her which she clearly doesn't want. All of what she's saying to you is telling you clearly to stop pushing it onto her. She doesn't want it.

If you want to have a relationship with her, stop being hurt and start accepting her and building a new relationship together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time for your parents to send over another sister to help you build out THEIR dream.

My question to you in all of this is - what is YOUR dream?

Have you really dreamed of nothing else for yourself besides carrying out this plan for your parents?

I completely understand wanting to make something of yourself - I applaud you for wanting to do that and encourage you to keep at it. But, do it for YOU...not for your parents. Become the strong, smart woman the plan requires, but do it because it will make your life better, stronger, more enjoyable.

Your sister is her own person. She's completely entitled to chart her own course. I'm sure much of this is more about missing her than her abandoning this family plan. If so, just tell her. Tell her that you miss spending time with her, that you love her, that you understand that she's entitled to her own life, choices and chance at happiness. If you make the conversation about the plan, you're wasting your breath. Build a relationship with your sister than can breathe within the lives that you are both creating for yourselves.

Plus, I suspect that your feelings might change or be different if you meet someone tomorrow that you have fallen in love with...

Be happy for her. Build happiness for yourself.

OP here.

I don't understand why everyone thinks this plan was thrust or forced upon her/us. Its just something we discussed as a family where we all, apparently wanted the same thing. It was like a mutual, unwritten expectation and understanding. All these years, I thought we had similar goals and she wanted the same thing! She'd always say things along the lines of, " I can't wait until we have a big family home like the Kardashians" or how, "I just want to have mommy live with me when she's older" etc.

Over the past year she has gone to say things more along the lines of, " I hate my family! No one gets me! I just want to leave somewhere and never come back! And no one will know what I'm doing!" She started not telling me where she was going or who she was with. She also started losing motivation and goals. All she talked about was how horrible corporate America is and how working is so pointless and all that matters is family and how her goal in life is to have children.

All this is good and well, its just...so sudden and so unexpected. She is welcome to do whatever she wants but you can't tell me it doesn't hurt me when she goes on rants about how she is sick of me and how she wants to disappear from our lives and how she chooses to not hang out with me and speaks ill of our parents.

She and you were too young to really understand what you were agreeing to.

Also, the Kardashians? Really? Seems like she actually hasn't changed much at all. She's still pursuing the same dream.

Of course it hurts because she is taking out her frustrations on you and your relationships. I actually think younger siblings are far more likely to carve out their own path and the older ones are far more likely to toe the family line. So by aligning yourself with everything she is frustrated with, by accepting the old decisions as law, you are making yourself an easy target. Instead of trying to change her mind, ask her what she wants. Does she want to leave the US? Does she regret moving here? What options does she have? Ask her about her dreams.