I'd like to hear from middle of the road parents with grown kids or older teens

[Anonymous]

This is great! I want to see a spin off on how you managed high school stress and college applications.

There are a few things I did for high school.
1. Each quarter I gave each high schooler a "coupon" for a "This entitles Mom to clean my room." This way they could hide whatever they needed and hand me the coupon when they were overwhelmed. I mainly just made their bed, washed all dirty clothes and put them away and organized clean clothes, vacuumed their rooms, aired them out, neatened up desk/dresser/night table. Generally the kids used it during a big testing week.
2. Each semester, provided decent grades and attitude, if you did not have a test or presentation you could take a mental health day. The kids would generally sleep until noon. Then they'd do anything from playing basketball all day to going to the beach to taking the train to NYC for a long weekend to laying in front of the tv.
3. During midterms/finals if you write the rough draft or dictate, I will type for you. If you ask nicely, I will waive your obligation to cook one dinner a week and clean up from one dinner a week.
4. I figured out what each kid found relaxing, and cleared the way for them to do those things. I offered to drive DD to the pool so she could swim laps if we could carve out two free hours. I paid Baby DD to fetch the basketball and return it to DS while he shot baskets for an hour. I made their comfort foods during stressful times. Immediately after taking the SAT's, I picked them up, rolled down the windows and blasted music all the way home so they could scream.

For college apps:
1. I had each kid make spread sheets of what each school required, and when it was due, when it was submitted, what the response was from the college. As they wrote in dates, I was happy to update the spreadsheets.
2. We did two college tours per kid - one to see schools to know if they wanted to apply (DD thought she'd like rural until she saw rural), and a second to tour schools they got into and were considering.
3. I purposely gave terrible suggestions for essay topics. I knew whatever I suggested would be rejected, so I did not offer good topics; that way both kids could pick those ideas themselves.
4. I swore to them there would be no Facebooking or gossiping about what schools they were applying to or accepted to or rejected from. My response to EVERYONE aside from grandparents was "When Zack is ready to share, he will. I'm respecting his privacy on this one."
5. We take four vacations a year and let each kid pick once a year. But the years they were applying to colleges, I told them they did not pick and instead I would pick for them. They were grateful to not have to make yet another big decision. I picked something I thought they'd like, but I took away the pressure of decision-making.
6. I allowed ONE totally inappropriate temper tantrum style freakout. For DS it was stamping his feet all the way up the stairs screaming and crying he didn't need any new clothes for college (he owned one pair of jeans). For DD it was an "I hate you" with a metric ton of curse words. Neither were punished, both were forgiven.

In all, humor goes a LONG way. I have had them hold out their hands palm down, and I've slapped their hands with one finger. I've had them repeat after me "I just went temporarily crazy just then, but I'm better now and that won't happen again."

[Anonymous]

Not the OP, but this is so encouraging to see all the "reasonable" parents coming out of the woodwork. So much of this forum (and the area in general) is skewed toward an assumption that life ends and you're a terrible person if the child doesn't make it into the $75K/semester school l.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

This was refreshing. THANK YOU!!

[Anonymous]

My child is 13. A big part of my adjustment in the last few years is allowing her to make mistakes, then offering her help on how to prevent them again. I don't berate or punish her for learning natural consequences. She got a D in math, which is usually her best subject. She didn't turn in assignments. We discussed the mistakes and ways to improve. I would have taken away a privilege when she was younger for a more immediate consequence. She was already upset about the grades, so I offered guidance only. She didn't make honor for the first time in a long time and that was upsetting to her.

She handles her own money. She prefers to spend, but is capable of saving.

Screen time is not limited. I would step in to add limits if her responsibilities were slipping. Loss of the phone for a few days is the ultimate punishment.

She manages her food intake generally. I remind her about fruits and vegetables. I have an eating disorder, so I leave most of this to her father.

She manages her interactions with her friends. I read text messages from time to time. I lived in a very bad neighborhood when I was a kid. I tell my child about the real risks of gang members and troubled kids. I saw a lot of kids destroy their lives or die due to their bad decisions.

We talk openly about sex. I encourage and answer questions honestly and without shame. We crack jokes about sex.

I will start the college conversation once she's in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids are 23, 20, 11.5 and 8.5.

Alcohol - boyfriend owns bars, so there's always alcohol around. the kids have all tasted. There is actually a fully stocked bar in our den. In our circle of friends/family once you go away to college, when you come home you can have your own glass at the table. You are NEVER too old that you can't call us for a sober driver to get you home. Both kids were taught how to hold a drink so nobody can slip a roofie in, to watch their friends drinks, to never leave their drink unattended, to always just get a new drink if they're unsure, etc.

How do you do this? Please explain!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids are 23, 20, 11.5 and 8.5.

Alcohol - boyfriend owns bars, so there's always alcohol around. the kids have all tasted. There is actually a fully stocked bar in our den. In our circle of friends/family once you go away to college, when you come home you can have your own glass at the table. You are NEVER too old that you can't call us for a sober driver to get you home. Both kids were taught how to hold a drink so nobody can slip a roofie in, to watch their friends drinks, to never leave their drink unattended, to always just get a new drink if they're unsure, etc.

How do you do this? Please explain!

Instead of holding the cup around the side so their thumb and pointer are closest to the ceiling, you hold it as if your hand is a spider - palm down facing the liquid and the top of your hand is facing the ceiling. If it's a glass bottle you hold the neck of the bottle rather than down near the base, and put your thumb over the top, as if you're winning a thumb war with the bottle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids are 23, 20, 11.5 and 8.5.

Alcohol - boyfriend owns bars, so there's always alcohol around. the kids have all tasted. There is actually a fully stocked bar in our den. In our circle of friends/family once you go away to college, when you come home you can have your own glass at the table. You are NEVER too old that you can't call us for a sober driver to get you home. Both kids were taught how to hold a drink so nobody can slip a roofie in, to watch their friends drinks, to never leave their drink unattended, to always just get a new drink if they're unsure, etc.

How do you do this? Please explain!

Instead of holding the cup around the side so their thumb and pointer are closest to the ceiling, you hold it as if your hand is a spider - palm down facing the liquid and the top of your hand is facing the ceiling. If it's a glass bottle you hold the neck of the bottle rather than down near the base, and put your thumb over the top, as if you're winning a thumb war with the bottle.

Exactly. As long as your hand or thumb is in the way, nobody can slip something in if you turn your head to talk to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is great! I want to see a spin off on how you managed high school stress and college applications.

There are a few things I did for high school.
1. Each quarter I gave each high schooler a "coupon" for a "This entitles Mom to clean my room." This way they could hide whatever they needed and hand me the coupon when they were overwhelmed. I mainly just made their bed, washed all dirty clothes and put them away and organized clean clothes, vacuumed their rooms, aired them out, neatened up desk/dresser/night table. Generally the kids used it during a big testing week.
2. Each semester, provided decent grades and attitude, if you did not have a test or presentation you could take a mental health day. The kids would generally sleep until noon. Then they'd do anything from playing basketball all day to going to the beach to taking the train to NYC for a long weekend to laying in front of the tv.
3. During midterms/finals if you write the rough draft or dictate, I will type for you. If you ask nicely, I will waive your obligation to cook one dinner a week and clean up from one dinner a week.
4. I figured out what each kid found relaxing, and cleared the way for them to do those things. I offered to drive DD to the pool so she could swim laps if we could carve out two free hours. I paid Baby DD to fetch the basketball and return it to DS while he shot baskets for an hour. I made their comfort foods during stressful times. Immediately after taking the SAT's, I picked them up, rolled down the windows and blasted music all the way home so they could scream.

For college apps:
1. I had each kid make spread sheets of what each school required, and when it was due, when it was submitted, what the response was from the college. As they wrote in dates, I was happy to update the spreadsheets.
2. We did two college tours per kid - one to see schools to know if they wanted to apply (DD thought she'd like rural until she saw rural), and a second to tour schools they got into and were considering.
3. I purposely gave terrible suggestions for essay topics. I knew whatever I suggested would be rejected, so I did not offer good topics; that way both kids could pick those ideas themselves.
4. I swore to them there would be no Facebooking or gossiping about what schools they were applying to or accepted to or rejected from. My response to EVERYONE aside from grandparents was "When Zack is ready to share, he will. I'm respecting his privacy on this one."
5. We take four vacations a year and let each kid pick once a year. But the years they were applying to colleges, I told them they did not pick and instead I would pick for them. They were grateful to not have to make yet another big decision. I picked something I thought they'd like, but I took away the pressure of decision-making.
6. I allowed ONE totally inappropriate temper tantrum style freakout. For DS it was stamping his feet all the way up the stairs screaming and crying he didn't need any new clothes for college (he owned one pair of jeans). For DD it was an "I hate you" with a metric ton of curse words. Neither were punished, both were forgiven.

In all, humor goes a LONG way. I have had them hold out their hands palm down, and I've slapped their hands with one finger. I've had them repeat after me "I just went temporarily crazy just then, but I'm better now and that won't happen again."

PP- you totally rock at parenting. Thank you for your posts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child is 13. A big part of my adjustment in the last few years is allowing her to make mistakes, then offering her help on how to prevent them again. I don't berate or punish her for learning natural consequences. She got a D in math, which is usually her best subject. She didn't turn in assignments. We discussed the mistakes and ways to improve. I would have taken away a privilege when she was younger for a more immediate consequence. She was already upset about the grades, so I offered guidance only. She didn't make honor for the first time in a long time and that was upsetting to her.

I loved your entire post but really wanted to highlight this. I think its more important for kids to learn from mistakes than simply doling out punishment for punishment's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids are 23, 20, 11.5 and 8.5.

Alcohol - boyfriend owns bars, so there's always alcohol around. the kids have all tasted. There is actually a fully stocked bar in our den. In our circle of friends/family once you go away to college, when you come home you can have your own glass at the table. You are NEVER too old that you can't call us for a sober driver to get you home. Both kids were taught how to hold a drink so nobody can slip a roofie in, to watch their friends drinks, to never leave their drink unattended, to always just get a new drink if they're unsure, etc.

How do you do this? Please explain!

Instead of holding the cup around the side so their thumb and pointer are closest to the ceiling, you hold it as if your hand is a spider - palm down facing the liquid and the top of your hand is facing the ceiling. If it's a glass bottle you hold the neck of the bottle rather than down near the base, and put your thumb over the top, as if you're winning a thumb war with the bottle.

Exactly. As long as your hand or thumb is in the way, nobody can slip something in if you turn your head to talk to someone else.

Thanks! I'm the PP who asked and will be teaching my kids this for sure.