DD won't share kitchen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've got a rough road ahead if your DH bends and sways to the whims of his teenaged daughter.

Anonymous wrote:If your teen daughter is pulling things like this, and you are letting her (which you are), you and your DH are in for a real treat in the coming years.
She is not in charge and does not set the rules of the house.
YOU need to set the ground rules. Things will only get worse.

+ about a billion

Seriously

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a great rule for her own house.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a college fund? Threaten to empty it. If she wants to not share the house, you don't share your hard earned money. It's a two way street

[Anonymous]

Don't use threats and punishments. If you need to use the kitchen and she is in there and protests you simply say, as cheerfully as possible, "The kitchen is a community area and we all have to share it." Then proceed to put the kettle on for a cup of tea, pleasantly engaging her in light conversation about your day at work or whatever. Done.

If she argues with you about her right to use the kitchen alone simply repeat that it's community area you all must share. If she doesn't like it, she can sulk off. Let her and don't comment on it. Once she sees you are firm, but pleasant in a way that does not invite engagement in her version of rights, she'll back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't use threats and punishments. If you need to use the kitchen and she is in there and protests you simply say, as cheerfully as possible, "The kitchen is a community area and we all have to share it." Then proceed to put the kettle on for a cup of tea, pleasantly engaging her in light conversation about your day at work or whatever. Done.

If she argues with you about her right to use the kitchen alone simply repeat that it's community area you all must share. If she doesn't like it, she can sulk off. Let her and don't comment on it. Once she sees you are firm, but pleasant in a way that does not invite engagement in her version of rights, she'll back off.

So basically teach her how to be passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't use threats and punishments. If you need to use the kitchen and she is in there and protests you simply say, as cheerfully as possible, "The kitchen is a community area and we all have to share it." Then proceed to put the kettle on for a cup of tea, pleasantly engaging her in light conversation about your day at work or whatever. Done.

If she argues with you about her right to use the kitchen alone simply repeat that it's community area you all must share. If she doesn't like it, she can sulk off. Let her and don't comment on it. Once she sees you are firm, but pleasant in a way that does not invite engagement in her version of rights, she'll back off.

So basically teach her how to be passive aggressive.

Huh?

How is it passive aggressive to firmly state a family rule (albeit as pleasantly as possible) and stick to it? You don't have to engage in arguments where the the starting point of the other person is completely unfounded.

BTW, this is pp with OCD son. This was exactly the advice we were given by the psychologist when we were faced with "rules" my DS made up. It worked and broke an important link in his OCD spiral.

Personally, I could have made lots of catty statements about the posts that suggesting draining her college funds etc. So much more civilized than stating the family rule and sticking to it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had eating disorders and serious battles with emotional disorders throughout my teenage years. This sounds *exactly* like something I would have done, but I wouldn't have had the guts to do more than flounce in and out of the kitchen once or twice -- indeed, I would have used the 'lack of consideration for my food needs' as further evidence that I should "simply stop eating with the family.' I am putting this in quotes to illustrate the disordered and sick nature of my thinking.

No 'punishment' would have helped -- indeed it would have fueled the fire. Further, associating foods and their preparation with rewards and punishment is, for an eating disordered person, a 'slam dunk' affirmation that they are on track with their behavior.

I don't know if your daughter is struggling with issues such as I did or if this is just a battle she's staging 'just so,' but I'd honestly be thinking about talking with her doctor or a counselor, if she has one already, just to check in with where this is coming from. I hope it's teenage angst that you can quell with reasonable conversation and nothing more serious.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Small kitchen I shared with my mother, brother and grandmother while I stayed with them a few years ago. If we were only going to be 10-30 minutes, whoever was in there would just get in, get everything done and get out, moving over so that someone else could get water or something out of the fridge when they needed it. If anyone was going to be in the kitchen for 30+ minutes, we asked if anyone needed anything first, then you either budged over if someone needed something and you were taking too long or stopped frosting hte cake (or whatever else you were doing) to get the water they wanted, if you didn't want them in there.

If she wants the kitchen to herself while cooking, she needs to be willing to compromise. That means that she either lets someone get something quickly, or she gets it for them.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe this is a real post. You tell your daughter that the kitchen is a common space. End of discussion. Please do not unleash your daughter on society until you give her better tools to cope with life.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to rephrase your family "rule" about asking permission to enter to be part of a larger lesson about being considerate. Being considerate means you wouldn't start baking a cake in there while someone else is making cookies, because it is too small. It is also considerate, though, for the person who is making cookies to make room for you to get a bowl of cereal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you go down punishment route, please make sure that something else more serious is going on like an eating disorder or OCD.

+1. I think it sounds likely that it's one or both of these things, too. Perhaps a counselor is in order, and definitely some close observation during mealtimes and meal prep.

Other commenters - for God's sake, OP's tween daughter isn't *really* "making household rules." Hence OP's quote marks. Her DD is TRYING to establish a rule, and in the process is lashing out at family members, and the situation is untenable. Can't you people read? Or can you read, but just pretend to misunderstand so you have an excuse to jump on the OP and haul out all your pet cliches about parental authority? It is perfectly clear that OP isn't kowtowing to her daughter, but is instead perplexed (understandably), looking for BTDTs for advice, and crowdsourcing explanations. Stop treating her like an idiot who lets her children run the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you go down punishment route, please make sure that something else more serious is going on like an eating disorder or OCD.

+1. I think it sounds likely that it's one or both of these things, too. Perhaps a counselor is in order, and definitely some close observation during mealtimes and meal prep.

Other commenters - for God's sake, OP's tween daughter isn't *really* "making household rules." Hence OP's quote marks. Her DD is TRYING to establish a rule, and in the process is lashing out at family members, and the situation is untenable. Can't you people read? Or can you read, but just pretend to misunderstand so you have an excuse to jump on the OP and haul out all your pet cliches about parental authority? It is perfectly clear that OP isn't kowtowing to her daughter, but is instead perplexed (understandably), looking for BTDTs for advice, and crowdsourcing explanations. Stop treating her like an idiot who lets her children run the household.

Please stop being mean to people who misunderstand. Many kids have learning disabilities including reading comprehension. They don't just magically go away once you become an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you go down punishment route, please make sure that something else more serious is going on like an eating disorder or OCD.

+1. I think it sounds likely that it's one or both of these things, too. Perhaps a counselor is in order, and definitely some close observation during mealtimes and meal prep.

Other commenters - for God's sake, OP's tween daughter isn't *really* "making household rules." Hence OP's quote marks. Her DD is TRYING to establish a rule, and in the process is lashing out at family members, and the situation is untenable. Can't you people read? Or can you read, but just pretend to misunderstand so you have an excuse to jump on the OP and haul out all your pet cliches about parental authority? It is perfectly clear that OP isn't kowtowing to her daughter, but is instead perplexed (understandably), looking for BTDTs for advice, and crowdsourcing explanations. Stop treating her like an idiot who lets her children run the household.

Please stop being mean to people who misunderstand. Many kids have learning disabilities including reading comprehension. They don't just magically go away once you become an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has a "rule" where if she is in the kitchen NO ONE else is allowed in. Between making snacks, lunch, tea etc she is in there for quite a while. I also have a 7 year old DS and a DH who runs a business out of out home who need to use the kitchen as well. How do I make her stop getting irrationally angry at DH and DS?

Wait a minute. Your daughter has a rule that no one be in the kitchen when she is? Then you have a rule that she is not in the kitchen at all. Its family space.