Middle School Shunning and How to Overcome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

It's hardly new. Happened to me in 7th grade in 1984. Obviously not with the text messages and such, but my former tight group of BFFs started ignoring me in school and stopped answering my calls, and when they did call it was with one person on 3-way on mute listening in while the other one tricked me into saying bad stuff about her. Good times.

Yikes - when did things turn around for you?

Not the pp, but this happened to me in high school too. It ended when I went away to college and found my people.

Where are those bullies now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD goes through this at swim team during the summer. Its awful. She insists she doesn't want to quit, because she loves to race, and does have a couple close friends, but the vast majority in her age group do all sorts of weird shunning things. One of the most egregious, and one I don't understand how the coach allows, is a group of girls wear different, matching suits to the meets instead of the team suit all to indicate they're all a unit and the rest are not. She is not allowed in the team tent when her age group is in there (the girls gather and close the circle), and they do not speak to her - even when she is on the relay team with them. I do not understand why she won't quit, but she does have friends and told me she has realized it is just them, and not anything she has done wrong, and she won't them ruin her sport for her.

HOLY COW!

First of all your DD is awesome.

Secondly, that coach needs a talking to. Big time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD goes through this at swim team during the summer. Its awful. She insists she doesn't want to quit, because she loves to race, and does have a couple close friends, but the vast majority in her age group do all sorts of weird shunning things. One of the most egregious, and one I don't understand how the coach allows, is a group of girls wear different, matching suits to the meets instead of the team suit all to indicate they're all a unit and the rest are not. She is not allowed in the team tent when her age group is in there (the girls gather and close the circle), and they do not speak to her - even when she is on the relay team with them. I do not understand why she won't quit, but she does have friends and told me she has realized it is just them, and not anything she has done wrong, and she won't them ruin her sport for her.

I LOVE your daughter!!! Good for her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD goes through this at swim team during the summer. Its awful. She insists she doesn't want to quit, because she loves to race, and does have a couple close friends, but the vast majority in her age group do all sorts of weird shunning things. One of the most egregious, and one I don't understand how the coach allows, is a group of girls wear different, matching suits to the meets instead of the team suit all to indicate they're all a unit and the rest are not. She is not allowed in the team tent when her age group is in there (the girls gather and close the circle), and they do not speak to her - even when she is on the relay team with them. I do not understand why she won't quit, but she does have friends and told me she has realized it is just them, and not anything she has done wrong, and she won't them ruin her sport for her.

I admire your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

It's hardly new. Happened to me in 7th grade in 1984. Obviously not with the text messages and such, but my former tight group of BFFs started ignoring me in school and stopped answering my calls, and when they did call it was with one person on 3-way on mute listening in while the other one tricked me into saying bad stuff about her. Good times.

Yikes - when did things turn around for you?

Not the pp, but this happened to me in high school too. It ended when I went away to college and found my people.

Where are those bullies now?

Who knows, I haven't seen or spoken to any of them since 1990! But the best revenge is living well, which I have

Even now, in my 40s, I still carry around sadness that my mother didn't help me more at the time. So, to any parents whose child might be going through this, please be sensitive and help them in whatever way you can (without being overbearing and helicoptering, of course). I am very sensitive to this with my own daughter now as she approaches middle school and I would be prepared to switch schools or take other drastic measures if needed so she doesn't have to go through my experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

It sucks, but I'm not sure it's all that new. I remember it from my own eighth grade experience, unfortunately. But I'm guessing all the social media / tech venues make it feel even worse to kids now.

Does DC have friends who are unconnected to this group? Teammates from a different sport or even a former team? Friends from the neighborhood? Friends who go to other schools? Kids DC knows from Sunday school / church / youth group etc? Or even a friend who moved away but is still even tangentially in touch?

It won't take away the hurt, but it may help a bunch if DC has even one friend (or group of friends) to turn to outside this group. Just having someone to be with and talk with can bring comfort, even if they're not as close friends as this group once was.

NP, this is what saved me in sixth grade. I had other friends from the neighborhood and church. Then in seventh grade there was a big shakeup among the girls and I had new friends at school.

+1 This is why I have insisted that my kids stay involved with our church youth group. There is no overlap between it and their middle school friends, although some of the youth group kids will got to HS with DS's. When you are dealing with crap in one area it's nice to have a place without it.

[Anonymous]

WTH Is that swim coach thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD goes through this at swim team during the summer. Its awful. She insists she doesn't want to quit, because she loves to race, and does have a couple close friends, but the vast majority in her age group do all sorts of weird shunning things. One of the most egregious, and one I don't understand how the coach allows, is a group of girls wear different, matching suits to the meets instead of the team suit all to indicate they're all a unit and the rest are not. She is not allowed in the team tent when her age group is in there (the girls gather and close the circle), and they do not speak to her - even when she is on the relay team with them. I do not understand why she won't quit, but she does have friends and told me she has realized it is just them, and not anything she has done wrong, and she won't them ruin her sport for her.

This is completely unacceptable. The fact that the Coach and the team representatives are allowing this to go on sets a really poor example for team behavior and support. Our swim team coach would never allow this to happen and if it continued, our coach would not allow the girls to be on the team. We are on a high division and our Coach has always been inclusive of everyone, even those with challenges. That has meant more to the team than any of the wins or championships.

[Anonymous]

This is NOT happening at school so your daughter does not need to take part and feed the drama. If she feels that poorly, she should find another activity. Join a different team etc. The swimmer girl sounds particularly "brave" but if your daughter is not, why subject her to it??

My daughter had a somewhat similar situation but it was the COACH of the team that was the "bully" and constantly singling a few girls out for obnoxious treatment etc. The coach had the nerve to turn her nonsense on me one day and the same day I saw one of her "targets" was the special needs student on the team (and my daughter got chewed out for consoling that girl when the coach was belittling her). That was the final straw and my daughter quit the team. Some of her friends did not "approve" of her choice but most of them learned to just accept that my daughter was not going to be part of that team and was going to pursue other interests. What I can't believe is the parents who allow their girls to continue with this coach who is such a negative role model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

It's hardly new. Happened to me in 7th grade in 1984. Obviously not with the text messages and such, but my former tight group of BFFs started ignoring me in school and stopped answering my calls, and when they did call it was with one person on 3-way on mute listening in while the other one tricked me into saying bad stuff about her. Good times.

Yikes - when did things turn around for you?

Not the pp, but this happened to me in high school too. It ended when I went away to college and found my people.

Where are those bullies now?

Who knows, I haven't seen or spoken to any of them since 1990! But the best revenge is living well, which I have

Even now, in my 40s, I still carry around sadness that my mother didn't help me more at the time. So, to any parents whose child might be going through this, please be sensitive and help them in whatever way you can (without being overbearing and helicoptering, of course). I am very sensitive to this with my own daughter now as she approaches middle school and I would be prepared to switch schools or take other drastic measures if needed so she doesn't have to go through my experiences.

I think it is overbearing and helicoptering to switch schools because your child is being shunned. This stuff happens. In middle school it is particularly bad, but it happens in high school, college, the workplace, the PTA, the church, the neighborhood, and so on.

Do you plan on teaching your child to run away every time the dominant group doesn't accept her?

[Anonymous]

If this were happening to my DD, I would break out Queen Bees and Wannabees and urge her to confront the Queen bee as described in that book. Such a confrontation may not change the behavior of the other girls but your DD should be empowered to stand up for herself and assert that she does not deserve to be treated the way she is being treated. Then, she can choose to move on to another social circle as she wishes. . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD goes through this at swim team during the summer. Its awful. She insists she doesn't want to quit, because she loves to race, and does have a couple close friends, but the vast majority in her age group do all sorts of weird shunning things. One of the most egregious, and one I don't understand how the coach allows, is a group of girls wear different, matching suits to the meets instead of the team suit all to indicate they're all a unit and the rest are not. She is not allowed in the team tent when her age group is in there (the girls gather and close the circle), and they do not speak to her - even when she is on the relay team with them. I do not understand why she won't quit, but she does have friends and told me she has realized it is just them, and not anything she has done wrong, and she won't them ruin her sport for her.

OP here - I am inspired by your daughter's courage! Good for her! I also believe that mean girls like that will get what's coming to them some day.

Or they might get a reality show and earn zillions of dollars... Though that sounds like its own kind of hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a new form of bullying. The worst part is it's on DD's team, outside of school. Coach has been made aware but it's so subtle yet maddening. DD has moments of sadness about it. She felt used as she did a lot for the group (getting them more followers on Instagram as she has a channel with a big following ) prior to the shunning.

It's hardly new. Happened to me in 7th grade in 1984. Obviously not with the text messages and such, but my former tight group of BFFs started ignoring me in school and stopped answering my calls, and when they did call it was with one person on 3-way on mute listening in while the other one tricked me into saying bad stuff about her. Good times.

This happened to me the first month of HS with my middle school friends in 1994! Minus the technology of course. A boy that I made friends with over the summer was nice to me, because we were, you know, friends and one of the leaders of the group had a huge crush on him and apparently I stood in the way. 14 year old me was SO clueless about it, especially since the boy and I were only friends, he was a new neighbor! It worked out great though because it led me to the group of friends that I grew throughout HS with and 2 of them are best friends to this day.

Its not new but it is still hard. Sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD goes through this at swim team during the summer. Its awful. She insists she doesn't want to quit, because she loves to race, and does have a couple close friends, but the vast majority in her age group do all sorts of weird shunning things. One of the most egregious, and one I don't understand how the coach allows, is a group of girls wear different, matching suits to the meets instead of the team suit all to indicate they're all a unit and the rest are not. She is not allowed in the team tent when her age group is in there (the girls gather and close the circle), and they do not speak to her - even when she is on the relay team with them. I do not understand why she won't quit, but she does have friends and told me she has realized it is just them, and not anything she has done wrong, and she won't them ruin her sport for her.

I admire your daughter.

+ 1 your daughter is incredible, and so resilient. It might be time to take the coach to task, though. Bad coach, bad coach!

[Anonymous]

Everyone should go rewatch Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion with their DDs. So spot on and great fun.