13 years old DD

[Anonymous]

^^
by the way she hates to code, and computer programming....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thanks everyone.
It is kind of complicated.

Child seems addicted to anime and books. (Like real alcoholic, she has literal withdrawal with shaking and screaming if you take either..)
We tried to set time for them and the rest to be studying and activities, helping around.
That did not work. She craved so much, that she could not stop.
(braked passwords, tried to record us when we used passwords, tried to watch anime in the middle of the night etc.)

This is classic inattentive ADD. It's often missed in girls. Consider getting an evaluation. She won't outgrow it and can't control it. She will move on from anime and get similarly addicted to something else - a sport, a craft, a tv show, another genre of literature, etc

Anonymous wrote:
She has interests outside of school and happy to participate, but thinks that she is entitled to everything.
Parents have to drive her, have to buy good clothes, have to provide her favorite food, have to respect her etc.
On the other hand do not provide any respect back:
I will not clean my room, I will not unload dishwasher, I will touch only my plate, I will not help around etc. I will do everything in order I want (i.e. promise things and break promised immediately.)
I will study when I want to study...

That's your own doing. You will need to work to undo it. You need to have an expectation that she helps around the house because she lives there. She isn't doing anyone a favor by helping. If you have always driven her everywhere, made sure she had good clothes, favorite foods, etc when she was younger of course now she still expects that. Why wouldn't she? She doesn't know any different. You will need to gradually start making changes.

Anonymous wrote:
Grades are not all terrible...
One subject E, one D and the rest are Bs.
She is smart not because she works hard. She is gifted child (really gifted.) All teachers always said that she never works to her full potential, which is absolutely amazing. (She can get a B with absolutely minimal effort.)
However at this point this potential wasted on how to break passwords, and how to outsmart parents, and how to make everyone do what I want to do..

Take that with a grain of salt because teachers say that all the time about kids. It's possible she could do better and get an A if she studied more but also possible that she is doing the best she can. Getting an A with absolutely minimal effort in school would be 'really gifted'. Getting Bs that way says smart, studies but not genius level gifted.

Anonymous wrote:
She will do anything not to do any activities with the family. If family wants to go to park, she does not wants to go to park.
If the rest of family wants to go to the right, she would go only to the left.

If you have family dinner, she would prefer to eat at her room.

It is non stop entertainment...

Eh, I think teenagers start to sour on family time so not really unusual. Also consider whether she might be depressed?

[Anonymous]

You really need to take her for an evaluation. She sounds like she has extreme anxiety and possible depression. She may well need appropriate medication to help regulate her mood. This really won't get better on it's own. I used to be a 13 year old girl who didn't have any friends and who lived my life inside of books. I'm now a successful 43 year old adult who is on anti-anxiety medication and antidepressants. And I'm only successful because I'm on the appropriate medication. When I'm not, I start disassociating like you wouldn't believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Set aside a time each day when you listen to her and don't judge. Then you'll win her trust back, and might understand better what's going on with her.

[Anonymous]

She seems on the somewhat more extreme end of my DD: a few (3) friends, but they are good friends...but when home, she just wants to be in her room reading Percy Jackson books, or watching Anime...or on social media (I monitor it).

But, she refuses to do anything at home....

Her grades are a bit better than you described, but they would be all A's if she only did and turned in her homework.

No suggestions...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a normal, bookish kid cracking under too much academic pressure. Are there by any chance grandparents or other relatives abroad, ideally in a rural area without reliable internet service? A summer of running in the dirt, swimming in the pond, and reading books without anyone demanding much beyond maybe feeding the chickens could do wonders for her mood and attitude.

Lol...she'll come back pregnant because that's all there was for a teenager to do out in the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to take her for an evaluation. She sounds like she has extreme anxiety and possible depression. She may well need appropriate medication to help regulate her mood. This really won't get better on it's own. I used to be a 13 year old girl who didn't have any friends and who lived my life inside of books. I'm now a successful 43 year old adult who is on anti-anxiety medication and antidepressants. And I'm only successful because I'm on the appropriate medication. When I'm not, I start disassociating like you wouldn't believe.

What do you do for a living? Pharmaceutical sales?

[Anonymous]

just a general question to all - But do you ever TALK to your kids?

I am always chatting with my daughter and her friends. always

I get the scoop on everyone, and we dig deeply into other issues, too.

Take a walk. Take a drive. Go for coffee or ice cream.

I don't understand how kids suddenly change. They don't - unless, God forbid, something terrible happens.

Be proactive and look for signs.

[Anonymous]

Be kind. She had to quit something important due to health issues. That is a VERY big pill to swallow as a kid her age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:just a general question to all - But do you ever TALK to your kids?

I am always chatting with my daughter and her friends. always

I get the scoop on everyone, and we dig deeply into other issues, too.

Take a walk. Take a drive. Go for coffee or ice cream.

I don't understand how kids suddenly change. They don't - unless, God forbid, something terrible happens.

Be proactive and look for signs.

I think this is a good point. A mistake I have made, and perhaps others have as well, is to be too action oriented. That is, I know there is a problem, and I want to focus all attention on that problem and solve it so everyone can move on..

IME this can work with younger kids but can be very counter-productive with teens. Sometimes you are much better off ignoring the elephant in the room and going about daily life as though it does not exist.

This frees you up to chat about this or that, inquiring after friends, talking about what happened in the office, or what is happening in the world. Enough of this and eventually your child will still letting out bits and pieces of what is bothering him or her. Then you have to resist the temptation to go full bore.

Many things simply need more time and patience than we think.

[Anonymous]

+100 on checking for inattentive ADHD.

[Anonymous]

This worked for my sister and her DD 14-18 yrs old...go to a rescue and volunteer together (just one parent is fine). You need to do it for at least a year to stay focused and gain all the experience has to offer. You will talk about the animals and staff to and from the shelter and then will tell the other parent over dinner etc which will have her communicating again. She feels like she has nothing to offer in her life since you are not making her DO something.

[Anonymous]

Buy tickets to an Anime convention and commit to getting dressed up and going with her, or get extra tickets and commit to taking your DD with a couple of friends. She will understand that you are making an effort. Possibly she will be appreciative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy tickets to an Anime convention and commit to getting dressed up and going with her, or get extra tickets and commit to taking your DD with a couple of friends. She will understand that you are making an effort. Possibly she will be appreciative.

Otakon in Baltimore July 24 to 26. Register online and get a hotel room.

https://www.otakon.com/