I have no desire to be my grandchild's daycare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who are quite clearly taking advantage of their parents and in laws. It's upsetting.

That's an interesting statement.

If the parents or in-laws do not mind, why are you upset? Maybe they are very happy that they are getting to spend time with their grandkids or maybe they are happy to be helping their kids? Or, are you upset that you do not have a similar setup?

In one instance, the grandmother is living frugally in retirement while her son (who can now bank his wife's entire salary thanks to her help) is spending money on huge needless purchases. In the other case, it just seems very taxing and stressful for the grandmother. It's hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, lady, live in the moment. Are you seriously stressing about this already?? I can't fathom being concerned enough about an issue that is years away from even being possible, no less a reality. Very concerning.

Exactly!

OP, newsflash, either you or your child can be killed in a car accident tomorrow, and then day care for your "grandchildren" would not be an issue altogether. Not that I wish this scenario on you, but it doesn't hurt to be aware of it, nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, lady, live in the moment. Are you seriously stressing about this already?? I can't fathom being concerned enough about an issue that is years away from even being possible, no less a reality. Very concerning.

Exactly!

OP, newsflash, either you or your child can be killed in a car accident tomorrow, and then day care for your "grandchildren" would not be an issue altogether. Not that I wish this scenario on you, but it doesn't hurt to be aware of it, nonetheless.

How the hell does that thought help anyone with anything, other than as a reminder to use seatbelts and carseats?

[Anonymous]

Okay. I'll write that down.

[Anonymous]

OP You are a very self-centered person. When I retire I want to babysit my grandkids (hopefully I will be lucky enough to have them). I really don't understand the entitlement attitude..I am retired and have by default no obligations but I'd rather do my own thing then help my kids and get to know my grandkids. I'm in my 40's now and work 50 hours a week at a job to provide for my kids. Maybe the ire I have is that you remind me of my very sucky parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, lady, live in the moment. Are you seriously stressing about this already?? I can't fathom being concerned enough about an issue that is years away from even being possible, no less a reality. Very concerning.

Exactly!

OP, newsflash, either you or your child can be killed in a car accident tomorrow, and then day care for your "grandchildren" would not be an issue altogether. Not that I wish this scenario on you, but it doesn't hurt to be aware of it, nonetheless.

How the hell does that thought help anyone with anything, other than as a reminder to use seatbelts and carseats?

It's a reminder not to waste time fretting about things that you have no control over, that aren't likely to happen. Less tragically, her kid might decide she has no interest in having kids.

More to the point, the vast majority of my friends live in different parts of the country than their parents. I only have 1 friend whose mom watches her kid-and that's definitely her mom's choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, lady, live in the moment. Are you seriously stressing about this already?? I can't fathom being concerned enough about an issue that is years away from even being possible, no less a reality. Very concerning.

Exactly!

OP, newsflash, either you or your child can be killed in a car accident tomorrow, and then day care for your "grandchildren" would not be an issue altogether. Not that I wish this scenario on you, but it doesn't hurt to be aware of it, nonetheless.

Aware of what? You're weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP You are a very self-centered person. When I retire I want to babysit my grandkids (hopefully I will be lucky enough to have them). I really don't understand the entitlement attitude..I am retired and have by default no obligations but I'd rather do my own thing then help my kids and get to know my grandkids. I'm in my 40's now and work 50 hours a week at a job to provide for my kids. Maybe the ire I have is that you remind me of my very sucky parents.

Oh give me a break. I'm the PP who said I'd love to watch my grandchildren, but that's because it's something I think I'd truly enjoy. There's absolutely nothing wrong with someone deciding what kind of relationship is best for them and their grandchildren, and what kind of retirement they want. My own mother is a fantastic grandmother. She's got a rich retired life full of interesting things, like volunteering with her church, working on political campaigns, taking college classes, and traveling the world. She's a wonderful role model for my kid and can teach him all sorts of interesting things, but there's no way she'd want to take on the task of watching her DGS full time, nor should she have to. She's earned the right to do as she pleases.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't going to help physically care for grandkids find other ways to show support. Write a check to help pay for childcare, gift it as a tax write off. My mom does this and it helps a lot.

You might find it more fun when the kids get out of the diaper stage. Both sets of grandparents come around more now that the youngest is 4 and charming and pretty self sufficient.

[Anonymous]

OP why are you worrying about this now? Have your children asked you to do this? Do they ask you for excessive babysitting now? Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it.
Even then, if they are in school, it's not exactly a huge lift to do after school child care for older kids (eg 3:30-5:30 or 6). Pick up, snack, supervise homework. Sounds like a great bonding opportunity for you. It's not like watching a 3 year old hellion or a screaming newborn.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the current cultural expectation is for a grandparent to assume a full child care role, so not sure why it has created so much worry for you. If the moment ever comes just say no, or say you will need to work, etc.

If I am able to retire early, am lucky enough to see grandchildren born, and am still healthy enough to help, I would really look forward to helping with my grandkids. I think it would be great to get that bonding time with them and take an economic burden off my child. Especially without the distractions of work, running the house, etc. Would have loved to be a SAHD with my kids, but that was never going to be economically possible.

[Anonymous]

OP here. As I said earlier, it was something that crossed my mind.

I absolutely want to be part of my grandkids' lives deeply, but I don't want to be the full-time care for 3-5 years, and part-time after that. But if my kids NEED me to be that care for GC's then I will help however I can.

Just not my hoped-for situation.

That may sound heartless and it really is putting the cart before the horse, as my OP opened. Don't we all put ourselves in imagined scenarios from time to time and wonder how we'd feel?

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine just assuming my mom or MIL would be our full time childcare provider. I would never just assume that. If they offer a certain amount of availability, that's great, but I don't think any responsible adult will just assume their parents are going to be their childcare solution 100% of the time without the grandparent proactively voice a desire to play that role.

So just focus on responsibly raising the child you have and watch her grow up to be a responsible, respectful person who when the day comes, will appreciate the time you offer and not demand or expect more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd love to be the primary daycare provide for my grandchildren one day. I wanted to be a SAHM for all my childhood and early adulthood, but I ended up as a single mom and while my child thrived in daycare, I loved my career, and of course I was happy that I could support my family, if it had turned out differently and I could have stayed at home I think I would have loved that. If my son one day presented me with that opportunity to move and support myself as "nanny and Nana", I'd jump at the chance.

But I also think that there are many families who make the choice to have a grandparent stay at home because of financial difficulties, and I think that's a bad thing. I think that kids can thrive in all kinds of care situations, but that almost universally the best childcare situations are ones where the primary caregivers are there, at least in part, because they want to be there. I think there's a fundamental difference, for example, between having a SAHP who wants that role, and a a parent who is unemployed and wishes they were back at work. I think there's a fundamental difference between someone who chooses to be a daycare teacher, and someone who takes that role because it's the only thing they could find, and I think there's potentially a difference in the quality of care provided by a Grandparent who wants to be providing care because they enjoy a day structured around the needs of small children (note: as an elementary school teacher, I can say that there's a huge difference between "loving" children, and "loving building your life around the needs of someone else's children". You can be a wonderful loving parent or grandparent without loving the role of full time caregiver), and one who is motivated by fear of strangers or by financial necessity.

I was convinced you were my mom until you mentioned having a son, otherwise the similarities are uncanny! From about the time I was college-aged onward, my mom made it clear that when I eventually settled down, she'd be thrilled to play an active part in helping me with my kids, even if that meant relocating for her. I still don't have kids yet, but it's nice to know I'd have that kind of support from her. But I would NEVER ask that of her if it wasn't something she was happy to give.

The one thing I would consider OP, is what kind of relationship/support you'd like in your old age. I quite often see parents on here claiming they won't help their children with college or with their grandchildren, that they are on their own for that. I then have to wonder what kind of help they are expecting in their old age. My mother helped me with college and would help me with my children, and in return I would gladly help her emotionally and financially when she was no longer able to care for herself. That's the kind of family we have established ourselves as.

I'm not saying you need to care for your grandchildren 24/7 in order to "earn" support in your old age, more that you just need to be aware of the overall message of your family. Is it one of "we support those in our family when they need help" or one of "we take care of ourselves and maintain independence". Neither is necessarily better, but they both have ramifications that you need to think through.

[Anonymous]

I know lots of grandparents who don't do heavy lifting as far as childcare. Just be clear about what you are willing to do, and convey all your messages with love. It's NOT going to be a problem.