Letting Grandma drive your kids

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks all. I'm glad I'm not the only person to think this is a no go.

Reflecting more, I think the issues can be boiled down to:
- MIL is not honest (to herself, or to others) about her limitations. She was, prior to DS being born, and now she tells FIL and DH that she can handle things, because she wants to be "involved." FIL and DH take her at her word (she, in general, calls the shots in their family anyway). I get frustrated, because I see it as selfish on her part (ie. putting her desire to feel important and involved over the safety of DS).
- DH is admittedly very busy and has a high stress job, so he delegates a lot. One of the things he's repeatedly trying to delegate are his responsibilities to watch DS while I'm working. On the very few occasions I've had to work during an evening or weekend, I've left DS with DH only to come home to MIL there instead of him. Likewise, I'm sure a large part of this from DH's side is that he wants the flexibility of having MIL pick DS up when it's not convenient or he has to work late. As it stands, DH is only on pickup duty one night per week, when I have to work until 6pm (not including commute). I get frustrated at DH always trying to pawn off what I see as his minimal childcare responsibilities on MIL. Of course, MIL loves the opportunity to help DH and, again, feel needed and important.

[Anonymous]

No freaking way would I let her drive my child. Can you have a friend from preschool be the emergency pickup?

[Anonymous]

I would have some very choice words for DH in this case, not limited to but including things like:

--He needs to have one on one time with his own child.
--You planned to have a child with him, not your MIL.
--If pick up one night a week is too much for him to manage, he needs to either buck up and say so so you can hire someone or else he needs to suck it up, block the time off permanently on his work calendar, and commit to it (like, you know, a parent).
--MIL started downplaying her limitations once DS was born, and that is bullshit and you don't want her driving or babysitting anymore because it is just not safe. If he wants to entertain MIL occasionally on his nights, fine, but DH needs to step up and ensure the safety of his own kid.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is smoking crack. Hit him upside the head with a heavy skillet and put your friend down as emergency pickup.

[Anonymous]

Op, I was in a very similar situation lately. My fil was driving my 4 yo to and from school while I was looking after the newborn. He is 52 and not the safest driver by all means. He speeds up on yellow lights and speeds everywhere. His attitude towards the car seats were minimal at best. He wouldn't fasten the chest clip or leave it down at her stomach etc. when she finally outgrew her car seat, he refused to believe that she was too big for it. I wouldn't let her on the car with his seaway though. I was always uneasy with him driving her but this situation always created extreme tension between my dh and me. My final straw was when my dd told me one day that "Grandpa left her alone in the car while he ran into cvs yesterday." I about lost my mind. Of course I called my husband and he said that his father would never do such a thing and he highly doubts what my daughter said.
Well, it did happen and that was the last time ever that fil has driven her anywhere. It's hard for spouses to come to term with the fact that their parents are sometime wrong or not capable of doing things the right way. In my opinion, it sounds like your husband is intending to use his "emergency pick up" to the max if his mom is listed so that he may work late often and not truly use her as an emergency.
Go with your friend.
Good luck op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. Forgot to mention that the straw that broke the camel's back was when we realized that she had driven DD in her car with the car seat unsecured - someone (she claims she doesn't know who) unlatched the car seat. Had DH not done periodic checks on the car seat he wouldn't have known.

Don't be too sure on this one. My car seat came unsecured recently. I still can't figure it out but I think a package rested on the buckle and it unlatched. Or maybe my son managed it. But I drove around that way for at least an hour. I just happened to be on that side getting something and noticed it. Now I check my own seat every. Single. Time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have some very choice words for DH in this case, not limited to but including things like:

--He needs to have one on one time with his own child.
--You planned to have a child with him, not your MIL.
--If pick up one night a week is too much for him to manage, he needs to either buck up and say so so you can hire someone or else he needs to suck it up, block the time off permanently on his work calendar, and commit to it (like, you know, a parent).
--MIL started downplaying her limitations once DS was born, and that is bullshit and you don't want her driving or babysitting anymore because it is just not safe. If he wants to entertain MIL occasionally on his nights, fine, but DH needs to step up and ensure the safety of his own kid.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP - Do not reproduce with this jackass again.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Do not reproduce with this jackass again.

Good luck.

Read the bolded part carefully OP

[Anonymous]

No. Call the school and leave instructions the MIL is not to drive with your child

[Anonymous]

Where does G'ma live? Your emergency contact needs to be about 10 minutes from the school. You stated that G'ma is 45 minutes away. Just having someone nearby trumps all the other issues.

[Anonymous]

I would break down the issues into to two sides. There is the issue of Grandma wanting to be important and involved. There is the issue of your son's saftey. Safety comes first. ALWAYS. From all of the details given I would not let MIL drive your child. What I'm not as certain about is if MIL would be capable of caring for your son on her own. If the answer to that part is yes then I would approach the situation from a different angle. Your DH is who he is and the job he has isn't changing. If you need to work late one day a week then you need to be realistic on what the plans are for that day. If DH is truely not able to do pick up then I would pay someone to pick up your son. Now comes your choices...if MIL is capable of watching your son then you could offer that as an option. Person X will do pick up and take son to your house where Grandma is waiting. She gets to be important and spend quality time with grandson for a limited time until you get home.

Person X could be anyone but I would start with looking at the parents at school/daycare and see if anyone would be up for doing the job for $ or trade of time.

[Anonymous]

Safety trumps all. The decision about emergency pickup seems quite clear.

Your main issue is a marital/parenting one, not grandma's limitations.

Unfortunately, the marital problem is much less easily solved. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

No chance would I let MIL drive him. Not worth the risk even once to test it out. If she was nervous drivin herself, how will she be with a fussy toddler screaming in the back seat? Will she turn around to tey to quiet him down? Be so distracted she runs a red light? Never find out.

The issue of her watching DS at your home when your DH is supposed to be with him seems separate. Could your DH work from home while his MIL takes the lead with DS? I would also make sure DH is spending some quality time with his son. Also, not cool that he passes him off to MIL without even telling you.

[Anonymous]

Did you actually discuss this with your husband? If so, why? Why did you not simply keep your thoughts to yourself and fill out the form the way you wanted? My child is 11. If you asked my husband point blank who is on her emergency care card at school, he would say, "What is an emergency care card?" Next time, don't discuss it, just fill it out and send it in.