MIL Shares Too Much - How to Get DH Not to "Divulge" to Her

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. And I'm really sorry to hear that I am not alone! I mentioned the issue to my DH, and while he was sensitive to the issue, I think that he sometimes feels that I am a little hard on his family. I thought the issue might sink in more if his brother mentioned it. My SIL reached out to me, not my DH, and so he did not hear it firsthand. My DH also doesn't think it is a really big deal, b/c, in this case, the issue is such a non-issue and "we know what really happened."

My DH truly is not bothered by what other people say or think, so he simply ignores the follow-up. I honestly wouldn't care either, until the point when it reaches our kids, and then I draw the line.

I will mention to DH again, before his "weekly" call with his parents. I don't think his mom possibly can keep her mouth shut. I understand trying to be direct with her, but I think it would really hurt her feelings and I don't think she'd get it. I really don't.

[Anonymous]

My mom has become this way. I don't tell her anything personal anymore. She doesn't have a lot going on in her life and uses other people's news as a reason to be important and all news is fair game--even sensitive items. I just don't want to be the subject of other people's conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has become this way. I don't tell her anything personal anymore. She doesn't have a lot going on in her life and uses other people's news as a reason to be important and all news is fair game--even sensitive items. I just don't want to be the subject of other people's conversations.

+1000000

They made their bed, they can lie in it.

PP who mentioned, ED - I swear my MIL would find a way to blame that on me. She is awful. It really is easier to just not deal with it and distance them if you have to.

[Anonymous]

My mom is this way. I don't tell her anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is this way. I don't tell her anything.

I had to read OP's post 2x to determine if she could possibly be in my family. OP, you are NOT alone and I saw this as a mom married nearly 20 years; I do not tell my MIL any detail about myself, my DH or DCs that I am not comfortable sharing with the world at large.

My MIL is an equal opportunity meddler and gossip. Years ago, she ruined a surprise engagement of her best friend's daughter...by calling the bride to be to congratulate her mere hours before the big proposal.

Each time I became pregnant, we told my MIL last...otherwise, everyone would know before we wanted to share.

I've still never told my MIL that with my last pregnancy over a decade ago, I had to have repeated sonograms because there were some abnormalities seen. Ended up being very minor and was frightening for me and my DH, but we agreed that we just can't share this info with MIL.

I no longer tell my MIL really anything personal about me or my kids. Fortunately, my DH is a man of few words and doesn't exactly have a knack for details...so MIL just doesn't get much room us, period. She's thinks I'm a cold, boring robot and doesn't really recognize that I'm keeping her at arm's length, even though I've been acting this way for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is a lovely, well-meaning woman, but she knows no boundaries. My MIL truly feels like she is simply updating the family on what everyone else is up to, but she does not understand line-drawing. My BIL knows this and, for that reason, told me that he and his wife purposefully avoid any topic that they don't want repeated. I asked my BIL to talk with my husband (his brother) about not discussing any "sensitive" topics with my MIL, but my BIL did not get the chance. My DH gets really defensive when I ask him not to discuss family issues with his parents, but I need to do/say something - any suggestions?

Otherwise, our family life (no matter how mundane) becomes front-page news and is blown out of proportion. Right now, we are working through an extremely minor (in the grand scheme of thngs) issue with our DD. I really did not want anyone to discuss it, in part, b/c I don't want it getting back to our DD. I hear my DH mentioning it in passing to his parents, and next thing I know, his mom is asking hundreds of questions, comparing our DD to her nieces, and then drilling our DD about the incident. Next thing you know, my SIL (a teacher) is asking us if we have any concerns about our DD's behavior, b/c she has been told a truly tall tale. Our DD's "issue" is so minor that it is silly to call it an "issue."

In sum, how do I get my DH not to talk to his mom about our kids unless it is to talk about something totally innocuous? (like what they wore to school).

Does your MIL update you and your husband on other siblings' personal issues? If not, point this out to your husband and show him how the other sibling(s) are already limiting the spread of their issues.

Also, would it help to tell your husband that by limiting the personal news, you will not have to hurt her feelings by telling her to "stop spreading gossip"?

Does your MIL have a lot of time on her hands? It may help to get her into volunteering, a part time job, a new hobby, so that she has other stuff to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Does your MIL update you and your husband on other siblings' personal issues? If not, point this out to your husband and show him how the other sibling(s) are already limiting the spread of their issues.

Also, would it help to tell your husband that by limiting the personal news, you will not have to hurt her feelings by telling her to "stop spreading gossip"?

Does your MIL have a lot of time on her hands? It may help to get her into volunteering, a part time job, a new hobby, so that she has other stuff to talk about.

Yep, my MIL fills us in on everything. The news about my nieces is relatively slim, b/c my BIL doesn't share much with his mom, but I know everything about my nephews (children of a different sibling). There have been several occasions where I have specifically asked my DH not to discuss a particular issue with the family, and he was good about dodging an issue that his mom kept bringing up. But I had to ask not to share; it was not automatic. It's more the little things that he doesn't give a second thought to disclosing. Oh well. I'm going to take everyone's advice and have a sit down with my DH about the issue.

Oh, my MIL is really active. She has a part-time job she loves, takes classes at the local university, goes running every day, etc. She just likes to be involved.

[Anonymous]

DH sounds clueless, tactfully get his to see the light. Via a direct conversation. My husband wouldn't draw he connection if I made an example of him...

[Anonymous]

Sam issue here, but it's my own mother. I just stopped discussing anything personal with her. Our conversations are banal and she feels shut out, but after a lifetime of having my privacy and trust broken, I decided to draw the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH sounds clueless, tactfully get his to see the light. Via a direct conversation. My husband wouldn't draw he connection if I made an example of him...

My DH is a smart man, but he can be clueless sometimes. He actually told me that subtle hints don't work. You have to be blatant. I think women are hardwired to be subtle and pick up clues, whereas men are the opposite. Think about the way women act vs. men. I think there is some truth here.