Insensitive Friends or Am I Too Sensitive?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry a third solution could not have been found. Maybe in the future, you need to schedule a trip totally around your son's needs, but it may be hard right now with so many people to accomodate. That being said, I think your friends showed some level of insensitivity and I think it is worth bringing up, so as to not harbor resentment. Maybe they really don't understand what it is like for him. I like that your DH is pushing to make the best of it (that IS healthy) but you need to speak up for yourself. GOOD LUCK.

[Anonymous]

I think your husband is wrong. Your son will have to live his entire life in that body and the least he can expect is that his parents will ensure that he is included in family vacations. He will be angry, and justifiably so. I'm sorry, but he will have plenty of opportunities to learn that life is not fair. And what kind of vacation will this be for you if you have to watch your son go through this?

I don't like your friends. And I'm mad at your husband.

[Anonymous]

If you are agreeing to go along w/ your husband, tell your friends that you are making this compromise/sacrifice this year as you have in the past but you expect that they will be the ones to do so in the future. Be sure to tell them why too. I think you should stand up for your son, but that is my opinion and I recognize that I don't walk in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

I have skied everywhere in the area and I must note that Nemacolin is not a ski hill, except for the most novice of novices. Plus the resort, while nice, is incredibly expensive for all of the extras. Wintergreen, on the other hand, has a variety of trails and lots of things to do at the resort and in the surrounding region. They also have a really cool kids' center with trampolines and video games, etc.

[Anonymous]

this story breaks my heart. i think you are unquestionably in the right here, op. and your husband's position is just wrong-headed. as many have stated, your son learns (and will continue to learn) every day that the world is, by and large, not designed to accommodate people with disabilities. he doesn't need his father to teach him this lesson, particularly on a vacation. in fact, i question whether your husband, who i assume is able-bodied, is even in the position to teach your son such lessons. the teaching probably happens in the other direction. your husband will figure that out eventually.

[maynie]

Anonymous wrote:this story breaks my heart. i think you are unquestionably in the right here, op. and your husband's position is just wrong-headed. as many have stated, your son learns (and will continue to learn) every day that the world is, by and large, not designed to accommodate people with disabilities. he doesn't need his father to teach him this lesson, particularly on a vacation. in fact, i question whether your husband, who i assume is able-bodied, is even in the position to teach your son such lessons. the teaching probably happens in the other direction. your husband will figure that out eventually.

I agree with this poster. I think it would be really hard to have a good time and vacation while my son was 'learning a life lesson'. There's no way I would go on this trip.

I wouldn't say your friends were being insensitive, but maybe there's a point where you can't always vacation together and meet everyones needs. You said it wasn't too much of a problem when your son was younger, but now that's he's older you may have to start doing your own thing when a situation like this comes up.

[Anonymous]

Group trips should be accommodating to everyone. If your friends want to go on a ski trip they should do it alone.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if your friends realize this but the spa at Wintergreen is pretty great also. I have gone to a friend's bachelorette party there and a few girls' getaway weekends and each time we used and LOVED the spa. There are a variety of treatments, an indoor pool and a gym there. Just my FYI. I agree with the others that your son's needs should come first. The fact that the spa at Wintergreen is great hurts their argument even more.

[Anonymous]

I'm appalled at your friend's behavior. I would ask what they would do if it were their child. I realize some may find this analogy to be far out, but what if one of them had or adopted an African-American child. Would they go to a "whites only" resort? I have a child with CP, and I don't think people realize that exclusion of our children is just as damaging to them as racism is to black children. Your friends are horrible people, OP, and this story makes me cry for my own child.

OP, I don't ski, but I would be happy to get together and have a vacation with our kids.

[Anonymous]

OP again, thank you 9:04 for your response. Funny thing is my group of friends and I are all African American. I wish I could email them your response. You would think that we as a people would have a little more sensitivity to what it feels like to be excluded. How old is your DC with CP and do you live in the area?

What I have realized over the last few days with one particular couple in this group (the mom is still not speaking to me), is that they just do not get what we go through on a daily basis with our son. And while they have been there through all of our hospitalizations and sicknesses, they really don't get it. My son is also a kidney patient, received my kidney when he was 4. The dad told me the other day that we are all going through tough emotional issues with our kids right now and parenting is getting tougher for all of us as our kids grow and their issues change. I said nothing, because I really don't think you can make someone understand or get it, if they have not walked in your shoes.

So I'm not getting rid of my friends. They are all wonderful people. And this group dynamic works mostly for the kids. A few of them just have a difficult time seeing outside of themselves. A coworker told me that I should feel sorry for them instead of being angry. That is what I am trying now.

But I would love to open up our world and develop some relationships with other families of children with special needs. So 9:04, I would love to vacation with you. Funny thing is, I'm not a big skier either.

Thank you all for all of your responses.

[Anonymous]

I guess I can see your friends side of it.

Its their vacation too and they are paying and they want to have the most options available to them and their families. Too be honest, I would want to pick the 2nd place also.

Why don't you and your family go ahead and go to resort #1 and just tell your friends that's what works best for your family and that you will join them on the next trip?

[Anonymous]

I too see your friends side of it however, as a parent I can't imagine placing my needs over the needs of a child. I do think that if these are good friends they should be able to find a place that is accommodating for all children first and then for adults. Because I think that if the kids are happy then the adults are happy.
I don't know CP but I do know 7-year olds and any 7-year old who would have to be excluded from their friends and siblings would not be happy. I think that in this situation maybe you should make the group smaller and vacation with perhaps only one more family to the place that would accommodate your son. That way it's still a group but a smaller more accommodating group.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't even imagine what you are going thru with your special needs child, but thank you for posting. It helps me to see your side of the story and to be more sensitive to others. I don't think the vacation should exclude one child from the main activity.

I completely agree with the poster who said:

I think your husband is wrong. Your son will have to live his entire life in that body and the least he can expect is that his parents will ensure that he is included in family vacations. He will be angry, and justifiably so. I'm sorry, but he will have plenty of opportunities to learn that life is not fair. And what kind of vacation will this be for you if you have to watch your son go through this?
I don't like your friends. And I'm mad at your husband.

[Anonymous]

Outside of the friends issue, I wouldn't go with them to site #2. You will be absolutely misereable. You'll be resentful of having to go somewhere you don't want to and hovering over your child constantly wondering how he feels. Even if everyone is accomodating and all the kids are playing with him, he'll pick up on your stress which will affect his ability to have a good time. It may even make him feel bad that he is the cause for everyone having a bad time because he's different. Your friends will also pick up on your stress and resentment which could affect them wanting to include your family next time. Very politely, and I mean all sugar and spice, gently tell your friends that you've been thinking about it and you and your family just can't make it this year. But please include us on another trip. You don't need to explain why, they'll know. You can tell your son the reason your aren't going is the cost, timing, whatever, and do something else fun like Wolf Lodge. Maybe do something with friends of his from school.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go either. Not out of spite, but just because it is an activity that your son can't fully enjoy.

It'd be like taking a child allergic to chocolate on a chocolate-tasting tour, where, oh, yeah, there will also be a little bike riding. Yeah, but the POINT is the chocolate tasting. And this is an expensive vacation. It doesn't make sense for a family to spend significant money on a vacation that one child can't enjoy. It'd be different if it were a little day trip. IMO.